GOP YOUTUBE DEBATE: ROMNEY TELLS GUILIANI, “I DO TOO HATE ILLEGALS MORE THAN YOU DO”
By R J Shulman
ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. – In a sometimes heated debate, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romeny assailed front runner Rudy Giuliani by saying that the former New York mayor not only didn’t hate immigrants enough to qualify as a Republican, but had a last name that hinted that he must have descended from immigrants.

Guiliani quickly shot back, “so’s your old man. Besides I’ve got family values that will make an offer your family values can’t refuse.”

“You made New York a sanctuary for those foreigners,” responded Romney. Guiliani answered by saying, “It was not a sanctuary for illegal immigrants to hide in. I made New York a sanctuary for my police chief to have a tryst with his honeys.”

Senator John McCain, whose campaign has been damaged by his support for immigration legislation said, “I am in favor of securing Borders, as well as Hastings, Sam Goody, Brentanos and any other place selling unpatriotic books that say it is not safe in Iraq.”

Meanwhile, former Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson asked, “where in the hell is craft services, I’m hungry.” He noted that he didn’t have to wait so long for food and breaks on the set of Law and Order.
The other main issue that was discussed by the candidates was the rights of unborn children. “It looks like the GOP race is all about who loves the fetus most and who hates the Mexicans more,” said political analyst William Pepe. “The question I have,” said Pepe, “is where does that leave a Mexican fetus?”

INTERESTING RUMORS ABOUND REGARDING THE SUDDEN RESIGNATION OF TRENT LOTT AND DENNIS HASTERT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Speculation has been running rampant on the Hill over the suddenly announced departure of two leading Republican lawmakers, Trent Lott of Mississippi and Dennis Hastert of Illinois. Gossip regarding their resignations has ranged from the usual, that they want to spend more time with their families to the more novel, that they are leaving together to go to Massachusetts to start their own family. Massachusetts is the only state that recognizes gay marriage.

However, the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that the real reason for their decision to leave their posts early is that both want to take advantage of the current rules which allow a departing member of Congress a quicker access to becoming employed as a lobbyist after leaving their position. A new law, enacted by the Democratically controlled Legislative branch that goes into effect January 2008 would make the wait to transition to a lobbyist a minimum of two years.

“I will become a lobbyist for the other white meat,” Hastert told the PTSD between bites of a pork loin, “Pork has gotten a bad name on the hill and as a lobbyist, I can keep the meat industry from falling on lean times.” “He has already been offered the position,” said Walter Hadley, a friend of Hastert’s, “so you can understand that Denis is already in hog heaven.”

According to reliable sources, Trent Lott will have a job waiting for him at the WSMA, the White Sheet Manufacturers of America, based in Heart of Dixie, Alabama. “Too many of these textile jobs have left the South for South Asia,” Lott said. “I want to make sure that when one of the boys needs a white sheet, they’ll know it’s made by folks who understand tradition and the need for sheets to hold up to outdoor as well as indoor use. With me lobbying,” Lott said, “I can offer help to some of our white sheet manufacturers who may be in over their heads.”

DOCTORS WHO GAVE CHENEY HEART SHOCK MAKE SHOCKING DISCOVERY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Doctors who administered an electrical shock Monday to Vice President Dick Cheney’s heart to restore it to a normal rhythm made an astounding discovery. “We noticed a sizable lump in his abdominal cavity,” said Dr. Warren Thiebald . “An x-ray indicated that thousands of young people were inside the Vice President. He apparently has eaten America’s young,” Theibald concluded. Nurse Brenda Gomez commented, "That whale that swallowed Jonah has nothing on Cheney."

While the doctors were able to correct the Vice President’s irregular heartbeat, they were unable to save the thousands of young Americans adversely affected by Cheney’s massive appetite. “He seems to be a weapon of mass digestion,” said spokeswoman Megan Mitchell. “The doctors believe the only cure for such a medical condition is to prescribe two impeachments," Mitchell said, "but unfortunatley, we hear that impeachment is off the table.”

BUSH TO AGGRESSIVELY PUSH PEACE AT SUMMIT IN MARYLAND
By R J Shulman
ANNAPOLIS, Maryland – President Bush said he is pleased that all 15 invited Arab nations have agreed to attend a two-day conference to re-start the Middle East peace process. Syria, the last hold out, just announced they will attend since they will be allowed to discuss the future of the Golan Heights which they lost to Israel in the 1967 war.

“The people must understand,” the President said, “that the conflictication between the Israelis and Palestinians is like the Hatfields and McCoys only not as old as that feud. I don’t know if the Hatfields are more like the A-rabs or the Jews like the McCoys, but I will try and get them to be more Christian toward each other sos they can start the roadwork to peace to get to a two state solution.” The President added, “I know two states can get along from my own personal experience, for instance, like the state of confusion and a drunken state.”

HOMELAND SECURITY MISSES OPPORTUNITY TO INCREASE TERROR LEVEL DURING FRENZY OF BLACK FRIDAY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff is scratching his head after missing a prime opportunity to raise the terror level during a time when millions of Americans were frantically trying to find holiday bargains. “I guess we were caught napping,” admitted Chertoff, “We should have issued a red or at least an orange.”

“Homeland Security is dedicated to preventing the public from forgetting the prime issue of our time,” said a Homeland Security spokesman, “and that issue is to be afraid, very afraid.” “How can we modernicate the Constitution,” said President Bush, “if the people’s pants aren’t scared off enough for the American people to understand just what the decider has to do to protecticate the Fatherland with his final solutions.” Chertoff has promised that there will be a proper increase in the terror alert at Christmas and “a whopper of one at the Super Bowl.”

BILL O’REILLY ARRESTED FOR ACTING “GHETTO” AT A WAL-MART ON BLACK FRIDAY
By R J Shulman
WESTCHESTER, New York – Fox TV commentator Bill O’Reilly was arrested at a Super Wal-Mart in this New York suburb for unruly behavior. “This fat old bald white guy comes up to my counter,” said Coretta Griffith a Wal-Mart clerk, “and says ‘gimmie one of dem muthafuckin ipods or I be putting a cap in yo ass.' So I called security.”

“They must be confused,” said O’Reilly after his release on bail, “How could Black Friday mean something about special Holiday sales. Everyone knows the War on Christmas has ended shopping as we know it. I thought Black Friday was a day to give us white Americans an opportunity to show our knowledge of our Black American brothers and sisters by acting as they would.” O’Reilly faces a fine of up to one thousand dollars and a 30 day jail sentence. “I know the man is after my white ass,” O’Reilly said, “cause how is dis brutha gonna come up with bling like that.”

NATIVE AMERICAN CANDIDATE FOR TRIBAL PRESIDENT CHIDED FOR OFFERING AMNESTY TO ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
By R J Shulman
PLYMOUTH, Massachusetts – With the election for President of the Tsirf Nacarema Tribe just one week away, candidate Henry John’s position on illegal immigration may have cost him the lead. John, who had said he was in favor of granting amnesty to the illegals who had entered the land from Europe and other parts of the world, has recently back pedaled on his position after stiff opposition. “I didn’t mean complete amnesty,” John said later, “I would make them take a test about how to take care of the land, and only let the ones in who could pass that test.” John supporters say that maybe Al Gore and a couple of others would be allowed in.

John’s opponent, Clifton Noitidart said that he has never wavered from the position of his ancestor Tall Bear who had warned the tribe not to kill that damn turkey for the immigrants, let alone sit down and eat with them. Noitidart says he will offer a plan to protect the borders and rid the land of the illegal aliens who have brought disease, crime and an uncivilized culture.

PELOSI: DEMS ARE WILLING TO PUT IMPEACHMENT BACK ON THE TABLE, BUT NEED TO OBTAIN TABLE FIRST
By R J Shulman


WASHINGTON, DC – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi told reporters today that despite the overwhelming evidence of high crimes, misdemeanors and high treason committed by President Bush and his administration, impeachment is still off the table. “The truth is we have to get a table first,” Pelosi said, “and frankly the way we Democrats have been acting, we don’t have a leg to stand on, let alone four.”


“Who don’t need no stinkin’ table,” said Presidential hopeful Dennis Kusinich, “if we don’t have a darn table, then let’s just put impeachment on the floor, the floor of the House that is.” “They can impeachicate me all they want,” said President Bush, “I’ll just Musharrif them with some re-selecting of the Superb Court, re-constitute the Constitution with some house arrests and dismissication the legislative branch.”

BUSH SAYS DON’T BELIEVE MY FORMER PRESIDENTIAL PRESS SECRETARY’S TELL-ALL BOOK, HE WAS LYING THEN AND HE’S LYING NOW
By R J Shulman
DALLAS, Texas – Former Presidential Press Secretary Scott McClelland will be releasing a book this spring regarding his years as President Bush’s Press Secretary in which he claims that he was assured that senior officials of the Bush Administration did not have any knowledge or participate in the outing of covert CIA agent Valarie Plame. The book will implicate those in the highest levels, including Karl Rove, Vice President Dick Cheney and the President himself as being involved in the Valarie Plame affair. McClelland claims that he did hot know at the time that what he was told to disclose to the press by Bush, Cheney and Rove was untrue.

“The American People must understand,” the President said upon learning of McClelland’s upcoming book, “that I have first hand knowledge that the little twerp was lying to y’all whenever me and Dick sent him out there to the press folks, so you certainly can’t believicate his lyin’eyes now.” “Sometimes you have to go to the dark side, if you will,” said Vice President Dick Cheney to the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “and I can assure you that Scott McClelland is in his final throes.”

WHITE HOUSE THANKSGIVING TURKEY TO BE HELD FOR INTERROGATION
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Contrary to tradition, this year’s Presidential Thanksgiving Turkey will not be pardoned, but will be held for questioning. “I don’t mean to beat a dead drumstick, but something is afoul in the barnyard,” said President George W. Bush, “and I mean to get abreast of any terror information we can get. After we knock the stuffing out of the turkey and get everything on our wish bone list, we will render the turkey to Turkey and what information they can obtainigate at that point will be gravy.” The CIA says that they are fully prepared to gobble up any pertinent data they can get.

“For those of you who think the President is winging it when it comes to homeland security,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “you should remember that torture is the President’s meat and potatoes.” However, the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that any questioning will have to wait until the turkey recovers from shotgun wounds. “It’s a bit odd,” said an unnamed White House spokesperson, “but it’s usually Dick Cheney’s friends who get full of buckshot, not some animal they’re hunting.” “It was an accident,” said the Vice President, “as I had planned to give the bird to the American people.”

MUSHARRAF PLEADS WITH BUSH TO RETURN USA TO CONSTITUTIONAL GOVERNMENT
By R J Shulman
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan – Amid the rising turmoil against the Bush Administration’s warrentless wiretapping, approval of torture, denial of vote recounts, control of the media and silencing of dissent, President Gen. Parvez Musharraf sent a message to George Bush pleading with him to return the United States to a constitutional form of government.

“The whole world used to look up to America as the land of the free and home of the brave,” Musharraf said in his tersely worded statement, “now the US is look upon as the land of freeloading friends of Bush and the home of the Knave.”

Bush responded by saying, “He shouldn’t be sticking his nose in other people’s beeswax. In any case, we will allowicate elections in November of 2008, unless there is some terrorist attack around October that could act as some kind of Pearl Harbor two, in which case the American people will understand that they need the decider to lead them in a crusade against terror who will bring in his good friend Marshal Law.”

NEW ORLEANS LEVY REPAIR: THEY PROMISED US FIVE FEET BUT GAVE US SIX INCHES
By R J Shulman
NEW ORLEANS – In it’s initial report, the Army Corps of Engineers had stated that repairs to the levies in New Orleans would now with stand floods five feet higher than what occurred in Hurricane Katrina. However, a closer examination has indicated that the levies now would withstand only six inches more than Katirna’s flood level.

“No one had any idea that the levies needed to be fixicated after Tornado Katrina,” President Bush said. “The levies were already in poor shape,” said Barbara Bush, “so any repairs they have made should work well for them.”

“The fault lies with the governor and the mayor, and not the President who had not been called regarding a need for levy repairs.” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino. “It’s just like them fat cat white politicians,” said Sadie LaRoux, a New Orleans Native, “to promise you five feet and then give you just six short-ass inches.”

BUSH SAYS GLOBAL WARMING

JUST A BUNCH OF HOT AIR
By R J Shulman
CRAWFORD, Texas – Commenting on the Global Warming Summit that is being held in Bali, President Bush says, “of course it’s hot in Bali. They should changicate the location of the summit to the Antartic Circle or Chicago, then they would see we have some serious global chillin’.”

Bush has rejected the findings of the United Nations commission on global warming that says something must be done soon to prevent catastrophic results. He has refused to meet with other world leaders and instead is spending time clearing brush on his Texas Ranch. “Who cares if a little polar ice melts,” said Bush, “as long as the melting isn’t the ice in my martini.”

GENERAL PETRAEUS TAPPED TO PICK NEW GENERALS, SAYS THE PURGE IS WORKING
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unprecedented move, General David Petraeus has been summoned back to Washington to preside over a board that will choose the next group of generals. It is unusual for an active general in a combat theatre to be brought in to choose the next line of generals.

“I was so much impressicated with Petraeus,” said President Bush, “as David is who gave us progress on the progress we have been progressing with in Iraq against the terrorist killers that I have decided that he pick the kind of generals that we need on the ground for all our future wars.” Petraeus said he is happy that all the new generals “will be on the same page.”

BARRY “BAIL” BONDS TO HAVE ASTERISK NEXT TO RECORD
By R J Shulman
SAN FRANCISCO – Slugger Barry Bonds will have an asterisk next to his record in the records books, according to Major League Baseball officials. “His 19 RBL’s will be marked,” said Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, “due to massive steroid use.” RBLs in baseball are the number of Really Bad Lies uttered by a player to a grand jury. Bonds has been accused of lying in front of a federal grand jury in 2003 when he said he did not knowingly use performance enhancing drugs.

“If this was politics,” said Bond’s personal trainer and long time friend Greg Anderson, “Barry wouldn’t be facing jail, he’d be facing a promotion.” When asked about his indictment, Bond said, “I ain’t gonna start bawling, if that’s what your after, ‘cause there’s no crying in baseball.”

MUKASEY SWORN IN AS ATTORNEY GENERAL, SAYS CONFIRMATION HEARING WAS TORTURE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts administered the ceremonial swearing-in of new Attorney General Michael Mukasey at the Justice Department’s Great Hall. “I must admit,” said Mukasey, “that the confirmation ordeal was torture.” Mukasey had run into trouble when he said that he could not define waterboarding as torture.

“Waterboard, smorgesboard,” said President Bush of his new Attorney General,” as long as my new General of Attorneys knows what retroactive immunity means, he’s top notched in my book, especially when it comes to the wireless warrant-tapping.”

Mukasey’s first task will be to investigate the warrentless wiretapping that President Bush began early in his Presidency. “I will be able to kill two birds with one stone,” said Mukasy, who began his new duties earlier in the week, “as I can find out if waterboarding is torture when I use it to identify the person who leaked the warrentless wiretapping to the press.”

GOP PREFERS HILLARY: THEY ARE IN THEIR ELEMENT WHEN THEY CAN BLAME A CLINTON
By R J Shulman





Type of picture of Hillary GOP will use

WASHINGTON, D.C. The Republican strategists are doing all they can to assure that the Democratic Nominee for President will be Hillary Clinton. “It’s not that the GOP wants to run against her to defeat her,” said Clifford Stanton of the Heritage Institute, “it’s that they know two things, first, a Democrat will win, just look at the bozos the Republicans have put up, and two, Bush has screwed things up so bad that even if the next President was a combination of the best elements of Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Jesus combined, they couldn’t fix Bush’s mess.”

The GOP idea, according to reliable sources is to spend the next four years blaming Hillary for the failed Iraq campaign, the loss of American prestige and jobs, and for the terrible deficit. “Fox news and the rest of the corporate media were so successful at blaming everything on President Clinton during his term in office, it should be a very easy to blame a Clinton again, and like before sweep the GOP back into power in the Congress,” said the source. The Post-Time-Sun-Dispatch has learned that the GOP has already printed up a million bumper stickers that say, “It’s all Clinton’s Fault.” “It’s not whether you win or lose,” said a Republican Strategist, “it’s ultimately how you shift the blame.”

GIULIANI: IF ELECTED, I’LL NAME BERNIE KERIK JAIL CZAR
By R J Shulman
KEOKUK, Iowa - While on the campaign trail in Iowa, Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani told a group of his supporters that he would appoint long time colleague Bernie Kerik to be his “jail czar.” Standing beneath a huge banner that read, “9-11 we will never forget America’s Mayor,” Giuliani said, “What better way to reform the jail system than with someone who has been on both sides of the law.” Kerik, once Giuliani’s recommended nominee for chief of Homeland Security, is facing up to thirty years in jail for bribery.

Guiaini also disclosed that he would tap ex-Representative Mark Foley to oversee a new department of Children’s Safety. “He has had hands on experience and would be able to identify predators right away,” said Giuliani. The former New York Mayor also disclosed he would nominate Senator Larry Craig for Secretary of Defense, because “if anybody could come up with defenses to defend the undefendable, its Larry.”

BILL O’REILLY: THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS IS STARTING EARLIER EVERY YEAR
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK, New York - The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that Bill O’Reilly of Fox News will report that he has proof that this year the War on Christmas will be well underway earlier than ever. “In fact,” O’Reilly says, “these Christ haters will start firing their ammo for the first time before Thanksgiving. These evil devil worshipers are so despicable,” O’Reilly said, “that they want to soil a most sacred and holy day with crass and vulgar secular attacks.” O’Reilly will point out that the Christmas attackers this year have enlisted the stage hands union, who have targeted the Broadway production of “The Grinch who Stole Christmas,” which has now been cancelled.

“I think O’Reilly is worrying about nothing,” said William Forrest of the Observer, “because I can’t imagine the War on Christmas being anymore successful than the War on Poverty, the War on Drugs or the War on Terror.”

MYSTERIOUS FIRES IN BUNKER DESTROY CHENEY’S PICTURE FILE
By R J Shulman

HOOVER, Wyoming - A pre-dawn fire in a bunker near this picturesque Wyoming town apparently has destroyed Vice President Dick Cheney’s secret collection of photographs of government officials. The origin of the blaze remains a mystery, but the Vice President told the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch that “one minute I was looking at a hot picture of Valerie Plame and then a fire broke out.”

Before the fire could be brought under control, it destroyed Cheney’s prized collection of photographs, many of them of members of Congress and the press. “Not to worry,” the Vice President said, “I still know where they all live.”

IRAQI WAR: LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL COMES FROM IRAN
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D. C. The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that the light at the end of the tunnel that President Bush has been assuring everyone exists in war against the insurgents in Iraq is not just a figure of speech: It’s real. “At the end of the Iraqi tunnel there is a light, alright,” said a Pentagon official who made the statement on condition of anonymity, “but the tunnel is between Iraqi and Iran and the light will be from all the bombing and shock and awe the Administration has planned on the Iran side.”

President Bush was unavailable for questioning, asking for privacy as he clears brush from his ranch. However, while not confirming or denying any plans to bomb Iran, Vice President Cheney said, “we have a lot of excess bombs and would you rather use them over there or use them over here?”

SCHUMER ON VOTING FOR MUKASEY: YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN WHO BUSH HAD ON TAP FOR ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL
By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C.- New York Senator Chuck Schumer’s last minute support of Michael Mukasey for Attorney General, despite the nominee’s refusal to say water boarding is torture may have surprised some. However, the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned why Schumer recommended Mukasey. “If we didn’t confirm someone soon,” Schumer told P-T-S-D, “Bush told me who the new acting AG would be. If you think it would be hard to rid the Justice Department of the stench of the politics of Alberto Gonzales,” Schumer continued, “just try to eliminate the smell of sulfur.”

WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRUCTION FIND HANS BLIX
By R J Shulman
BETHESDA, Maryland – While on his way to testify to Congress about how he had found no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq before the war began, former UN weapons inspector Hans Blix’s car was hit with a massive explosion that destroyed five whole blocks of this quiet Washington suburb. Initial estimates are that the massive blast killed 28 people, but the Post Times Sun Dispatch could not confirm these reports as all of our staff had to leave the P-T-S-D Building after anthrax was mailed to the PTSD managing editor.

“How ironical,” said President Bush upon learning of the incident “that Hans Blix wouldn’t know a weapon of mass destruction if it jumped up and bit him dead.” So far, authorities are baffled by the origin of the explosion “We have no idea who could have made such a sophisticated weapon,” said Steve Holt of the FBI team investigating the blast. “as such cutting edge technology is only matched by a secret US government program to curb terrorists.”

PRESIDENT BUSH TO BREAK HOLLYWOOD/TV WRITERS STRIKE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move reminiscent of President Ronald Regan’s breaking of the air traffic controllers union, President George W. Bush has ordered some of his staff and supporters to report to work to write TV and movie scripts. “In a world creeping in terrorist killers,” the President said, “the American people rely on television sets to get their bread and circuses and we can’t have a bunch of terrorist writers kill their chance of getting in some chuckles and learnicating what Jack Bower will do next against terrorists in the name of the home of the brave.”

Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino said, “all in all, this is a good way to get rid of the communistic America hating writers anyway, and provide us with benefits like we got from Hurricane Katrina which finally got rid of all the blighted public housing in and around New Orleans. We already have made strides in replacing news reporters,” Perino said, “we smoked Dan Rather, for example and have been replacing real journalists with our good friends, just look at Fox News.”

Now the Bush Administration is replacing the writers. The first show to use these new writers will be the Daily Show. The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of the first script. The opening comment for John Stewart will be “Isn’t it great how Bush has succeeded in helping Americans to put food on their family and now thanks to the Commander in chief, OBGYN’s are once again practicing their love for women all over the country.” “This show is going to be one helluva side splitting ride,” said one unnamed source.

CHENEY TO DONATE HIS HORNS TO THE SMITHSONIAN
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vice President Dick Cheney announced today that after his term in office is over, he will donate his horns to the Smithsonian. Speculation was that he was going to either give them to the British Museum or sell them to the highest bidder on EBAY. “After I leave the office of Vice President which is not part of the executive branch, “Cheney told reporters, “I just want to relax with the fruit of my labors and shrink from sight, if you will. Besides these damn things get in the way of wearing hats and getting through doorways.”

“This is a real victory for the Smithsonian,” said Trevor Harding of the Museum, “many Americans will want to view the horns that apparently had the power to make an ordinary young man from a small town in Wyoming be able to avoid the draft five times, survive five heart attacks and amass power and fortune beyond most anyone’s wildest dreams.” The horns will go on display as soon as Cheney leaves office, which is scheduled for January 10, 2009 or longer if some “things should come up,” according to a Cheney spokesman.

ANGRY BUSH TO MUSHARRAF: WE ARE EXPORTING OUR DEMOCRACY STUFF, NOT MY DECIDER STUFF
By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a strongly worded communiqué, President George W. Bush admonished Pakistani leader General Pervez Musharraf for suspending his country’s constitution, arresting members of the Supreme Court, taking control of the media, postponing parliamentary elections and arresting members of the opposition. “You must understan,’” Bush said. “that you countries ending in ‘stan’ such as Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraqistan are supposed to import the democracy we are exporting, not import the dictator-decider stuff I have been importing to the US.”

“What added insult to injury,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “was that without permission, Musharraf plagiarized President Bush when he used the excuse of future terrorist activities as the reason for his actions.” Perino noted that Bush will send Pakistan what little democracy remains in the US to help Musharraf correct his mistake.

"I think Bush was really angry," said an unnamed White House spokesman, "because Musharraf completed the total export of democracy first."

FOX NEWS DOCUMENTARY: THOM HARTMANN HUGS TREES THEN WRITES COUNLTESS BOOKS THAT CAUSES THEM TO BE CHOPPED DOWN
By R J Shulman
PORTLAND, Oregon – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that Fox News is going to air a half-hour documentary called Thom Hartmann: Environmental Hypocrite and His Secret War Against Trees, in which the Air America talk show host is accused of promoting environmental friendly positions but then authoring a string of books that needed a slew of trees to be harvested for paper. Hartmann has released “Screwed, the Undeclared War Against the Middle Class” and “Cracking the Code” in just that last two years.

“If he loves the environment so much,” says Brit Hume in the documentary, “he shouldn’t even be reading books, let alone publishing them causing whole forests to be devastated.” “Just like that fake environmentalist Al Gore who uses electricity and flies on planes,” says Bill O’Reilly, “Thom is one of those liberal hypocrites who want to communistically stop the free market from making the best use of trees, but have no trouble when a tree is felled to make paper to be used to print their personal propaganda which will find its way into the hands of all of those people who don’t listen to liberal talk radio.”

The documentary is set to air next Thursday, right before the documentary on John Edwards, called “John Edwards, Poverty Supporting Hypocrite Who Refuses to Take Vow of Poverty Himself.”

NEW FAITH BASED SCIENCE FINDS SMOKING DOES NOT CAUSE CANCER; DDT AND LEAD PAINT DO NOT CAUSE HEALTH PROBLEMS
By R J Shulman
WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. – Bolstered by the findings of some scientists that global warming is not a certainty, scientists for R.J. Reynolds have issued a report saying that there is no complete consensus that smoking causes cancer or other breathing problems. “This means that there is a real debate regarding the merits of smoking,” said Wendell Couch, one of the team of three scientists responsible for the new study, “and the liberal media should be forced to show both sides of this issue.”

Ever since President Bush has promoted a new approach to science, what has become known as “faith-based science,” certain long held beliefs, such as evolution have come under new scrutiny. “Our study has shown that DDT and other so-called toxic chemicals do not necessarily have a negative effect on he health of humans,” said Cherie Sykes, a Dow Chemical scientist. “Lung cancer could be caused by many other things,” said Sykes, “including not supporting the troops enough or for voting for Hillary Clinton.”

The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that Mattel scientists will publish a new report that shows that lead paint actually has a beneficial effect on children. It sites that a whole generation, in fact the so-called “greatest generation,” who fought and won World War II grew up on lead paint. “This is great news,” said Bob Eckert, CEO of Mattel Toys, “as great shipments of Chinese manufactured toys drenched in lead paint will not have recalls that could delay them past the Christmas season.”

Both Mattel and R. J. Reynolds are set to distribute a documentary, outlining their new findings. “It’s called ‘An Inconvenient Gore,’” said Reynolds spokesperson Glenn Branch, “and shows how the liberal media is using propaganda and stiff ex-politicians to attack the free marketplace and free enterprise to promote their socialized communistic gay anti-American agenda.”

KAREN HUGHES LEAVING PUBLIC RELATIONS POST; BUSH TAPS JOHN BOLTON TO TAKE HER PLACE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Long time Bush confidant Karen Hughes has resigned her post as head of the State Department’s public diplomacy programs to return to Texas. “She left a lot of work undone,” said a State Department spokesman, “as she was supposed to help the image of the US around the world.”

Bush immediately appointed former UN Ambassador John Bolton to fill her post. “If there is anyone who can force everyone to become the coalition of the willing to love America,” said Bush, “its John. “If they don’t love us over there,” said Vice President Cheney, “then we will force them to love us over here, or is it that if we don’t love them over there, oh what the hell, we still have some unused shock and awe ready to go.”