NEW FAITH BASED SCIENCE FINDS SMOKING DOES NOT CAUSE CANCER; DDT AND LEAD PAINT DO NOT CAUSE HEALTH PROBLEMS
By R J Shulman
WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. – Bolstered by the findings of some scientists that global warming is not a certainty, scientists for R.J. Reynolds have issued a report saying that there is no complete consensus that smoking causes cancer or other breathing problems. “This means that there is a real debate regarding the merits of smoking,” said Wendell Couch, one of the team of three scientists responsible for the new study, “and the liberal media should be forced to show both sides of this issue.”

Ever since President Bush has promoted a new approach to science, what has become known as “faith-based science,” certain long held beliefs, such as evolution have come under new scrutiny. “Our study has shown that DDT and other so-called toxic chemicals do not necessarily have a negative effect on he health of humans,” said Cherie Sykes, a Dow Chemical scientist. “Lung cancer could be caused by many other things,” said Sykes, “including not supporting the troops enough or for voting for Hillary Clinton.”

The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that Mattel scientists will publish a new report that shows that lead paint actually has a beneficial effect on children. It sites that a whole generation, in fact the so-called “greatest generation,” who fought and won World War II grew up on lead paint. “This is great news,” said Bob Eckert, CEO of Mattel Toys, “as great shipments of Chinese manufactured toys drenched in lead paint will not have recalls that could delay them past the Christmas season.”

Both Mattel and R. J. Reynolds are set to distribute a documentary, outlining their new findings. “It’s called ‘An Inconvenient Gore,’” said Reynolds spokesperson Glenn Branch, “and shows how the liberal media is using propaganda and stiff ex-politicians to attack the free marketplace and free enterprise to promote their socialized communistic gay anti-American agenda.”