BUSH TO CERTIFY PROTECTION OF TWO EXTINCT SPECIES
By R J Shulman

ST. MICHAELS, Maryland – President Bush signed an executive order today, to protect the Great Auk and the Pycnodont fish. “I want to be known as a compassionate conservation guy,” the President said, “so I am proclaiming guns and hooks off limits toward those two species, because birds gotta swim and fish gotta fly.” When it was pointed out that the Great Auk went extinct in 1852 and the Pycnodont several million years ago, Bush said, “I would like to point a finger that neither extinctification was caused by a Republican President.”

“This executive order was such a success,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “that the President will sign an executive order protecting two American Values, Free Speech and Truth in Government.”