HOMELAND SECURITY MISSES OPPORTUNITY TO INCREASE TERROR LEVEL DURING FRENZY OF BLACK FRIDAY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff is scratching his head after missing a prime opportunity to raise the terror level during a time when millions of Americans were frantically trying to find holiday bargains. “I guess we were caught napping,” admitted Chertoff, “We should have issued a red or at least an orange.”

“Homeland Security is dedicated to preventing the public from forgetting the prime issue of our time,” said a Homeland Security spokesman, “and that issue is to be afraid, very afraid.” “How can we modernicate the Constitution,” said President Bush, “if the people’s pants aren’t scared off enough for the American people to understand just what the decider has to do to protecticate the Fatherland with his final solutions.” Chertoff has promised that there will be a proper increase in the terror alert at Christmas and “a whopper of one at the Super Bowl.”