MUKASEY SWORN IN AS ATTORNEY GENERAL, SAYS CONFIRMATION HEARING WAS TORTURE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts administered the ceremonial swearing-in of new Attorney General Michael Mukasey at the Justice Department’s Great Hall. “I must admit,” said Mukasey, “that the confirmation ordeal was torture.” Mukasey had run into trouble when he said that he could not define waterboarding as torture.

“Waterboard, smorgesboard,” said President Bush of his new Attorney General,” as long as my new General of Attorneys knows what retroactive immunity means, he’s top notched in my book, especially when it comes to the wireless warrant-tapping.”

Mukasey’s first task will be to investigate the warrentless wiretapping that President Bush began early in his Presidency. “I will be able to kill two birds with one stone,” said Mukasy, who began his new duties earlier in the week, “as I can find out if waterboarding is torture when I use it to identify the person who leaked the warrentless wiretapping to the press.”