INTERESTING RUMORS ABOUND REGARDING THE SUDDEN RESIGNATION OF TRENT LOTT AND DENNIS HASTERT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Speculation has been running rampant on the Hill over the suddenly announced departure of two leading Republican lawmakers, Trent Lott of Mississippi and Dennis Hastert of Illinois. Gossip regarding their resignations has ranged from the usual, that they want to spend more time with their families to the more novel, that they are leaving together to go to Massachusetts to start their own family. Massachusetts is the only state that recognizes gay marriage.

However, the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that the real reason for their decision to leave their posts early is that both want to take advantage of the current rules which allow a departing member of Congress a quicker access to becoming employed as a lobbyist after leaving their position. A new law, enacted by the Democratically controlled Legislative branch that goes into effect January 2008 would make the wait to transition to a lobbyist a minimum of two years.

“I will become a lobbyist for the other white meat,” Hastert told the PTSD between bites of a pork loin, “Pork has gotten a bad name on the hill and as a lobbyist, I can keep the meat industry from falling on lean times.” “He has already been offered the position,” said Walter Hadley, a friend of Hastert’s, “so you can understand that Denis is already in hog heaven.”

According to reliable sources, Trent Lott will have a job waiting for him at the WSMA, the White Sheet Manufacturers of America, based in Heart of Dixie, Alabama. “Too many of these textile jobs have left the South for South Asia,” Lott said. “I want to make sure that when one of the boys needs a white sheet, they’ll know it’s made by folks who understand tradition and the need for sheets to hold up to outdoor as well as indoor use. With me lobbying,” Lott said, “I can offer help to some of our white sheet manufacturers who may be in over their heads.”