DOCTORS WHO GAVE CHENEY HEART SHOCK MAKE SHOCKING DISCOVERY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Doctors who administered an electrical shock Monday to Vice President Dick Cheney’s heart to restore it to a normal rhythm made an astounding discovery. “We noticed a sizable lump in his abdominal cavity,” said Dr. Warren Thiebald . “An x-ray indicated that thousands of young people were inside the Vice President. He apparently has eaten America’s young,” Theibald concluded. Nurse Brenda Gomez commented, "That whale that swallowed Jonah has nothing on Cheney."

While the doctors were able to correct the Vice President’s irregular heartbeat, they were unable to save the thousands of young Americans adversely affected by Cheney’s massive appetite. “He seems to be a weapon of mass digestion,” said spokeswoman Megan Mitchell. “The doctors believe the only cure for such a medical condition is to prescribe two impeachments," Mitchell said, "but unfortunatley, we hear that impeachment is off the table.”