IT’S HALLOWEEN AND BUSH COMES AS “THE DECIDER GUY”
By R J Shulman
WEIRDINGTON, D.C. – For the nation’s official Halloween Party, President George W. Bush decided to come as the “decider guy.” “As the top Presidential leader of the free world,” Bush said, “I deducicated that it would be most good for me to be able to make up my mind to decide decisions. In my life I couldn’t decide if I should be a drunken frat boy or an oil man who loses money, a baseball guy who trades away Sammy Sosa or a guy who governs a state by executing laws and criminals, but now I decided to decide to be the decider.”

“Wow,” said Dan Rather, who came dressed as a newsman, “in all my years, this is the scariest thing I have ever seen in the White House.”

When asked about Bush’s new character, Vice President Dick Cheney who did not need to dress up to scare the jovial crowd, said, “don't worry, the decider guy is in his final throes.”

FEMA: LESSONS LEARNED FROM KATRINA TO THE CALIFORNIA FIRES – BETTER MANAGEMENT OF REPORTERS
By R J Shulman


WASHINGTON, D.C. – If there is one thing that the Federal Emergency Management Agency learned from the debacle of their Hurricane Katrina response, it has been better control of the news reports. “We looked so incompetent back then when New Orleans got hit,” said R. David Paulison, FEMA director, “because we were very disorganized in our approach to the media. Back then, we actually let real reporters ask us questions.”

This time, FEMA was prepared to deal with the California fires by holding a press conference, where the reporters were FEMA employees with pre-screened questions. “It was incredible teamwork as all of us pitched in,” said Clyde B. Scroggins, a FEMA janitor, “I got to wear a suit and ask Mr. Paulison if he thought FEMA was doing all it could.”

“It's a shame we were not this prepared when Hurricane Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast,” said Wendy Stallings, a FEMA secretary, “If we were, everyone would have believed the President when he said, you’re doin’ a heck of a job, Brownie.”

BILL O’REILLY REVEALS SECRET DOCUMENTS THAT OUTLINE THE GAY AGENDA
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK, New York – Talk show host Bill O’Reilly announced today that he has obtained secret papers that lay out the Gay Agenda. Found in a raid on a secret public bathroom stall, O’Reilly who has dubbed the documents, “the Pentagay Papers, says that he can now expose what he feared “all decent Americans would have to guard themselves against.”

“These San Francisco values,” said O’Reilly, “show without a doubt that gays want to elect Hillary Clinton as President, who is a known Lesbian who will then try and outlaw breeding, which would of course, end America as we know it. In addition,” O’Reilly said, “Hillary and her illicit cohorts would then attack all good thinking Christians by pointing out that Jesus Christ was in his thirties, never married, adored his mother and wanted to help the poor and promote peace, like all homosexuals do.”

“The next thing you know,” said talk show host Glen Beck, after he read the documents, “is that some disgusting perverts will go around to funerals of dead soldiers with signs that read, “God hates Straights. We just can’t have that.”

BUSH SAYS WATER BOARDING NOT TORTURE, BUT AN ALL AMERICAN SPORT

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush weighed in today on the controversy regarding the use of water boarding by saying it is “as American as Mother Pie and Applehood.” He cited that the Beach Boys and Jan and Dean sang all kinds of songs about it.

“It was all about tying your water board to the roof of your woody station wagon with the wood on the sides,” the President said. “Whether you were ‘hanging ten,’ which I wish I had thought of when I was governor of Texas, or ‘shooting the girl,’ water boarding is not torture, unless they played “Little Surfer Girl” too many times on the radio.”

BUSH TO TURKEY: LET THE KURDS HAVE THEIR WAY
By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a sharply worded communiqué, President Bush told Turkey to refrain from invading Northern Iraq to contain Kurdish rebels. “It is against the law as well as not legal to invadicate another nation with sovereignty just to furthersize a leader’s whims of desire unless, of course the desiring whims are from the decider, meaning me.” The President is trying to curb the growing tensions between Turkey and the Kurds in northern Iraq after raids by the Kurdistan Workers Party or P.K.K. killed 12 Turkish soldiers.

“At the moment,” the President continued in his message to Turkey, “the Kurds are our allies in friendship, so you must understand that we want you to let the Kurds have their way. So don’t do anything cheesy that will destroy their cottage industries and curdle their economy.”

MYSTERIOUS NEW FIRES BREAK OUT IN CALIFORNIA AFTER BUSH VISIT
By R J Shulman

POWAY, California – Authorities are puzzled at the outbreak of at least a dozen new fires that broke out after President Bush visited fire ravaged areas of Southern California. “We are not sure what happened,” said Sergei Moss of the San Diego Fire Department, “one minute the President said he was pleased to send Federal help and the next thing you know, some nearby brush burst into flames.”

“We finally got our fire under control,” said Connie Hutchinson, Mayor of Poway, California, a town that has lost over 200 houses to the blaze, “until the President said something about caring about what happens to Californians. Then, poof, the whole side of the road ignited.”

In addition to the aid he promised, the President said, “I am taking out my veto pen to vetocate any new fires that the Democrats send to me. As you know, the American people must understand that any global warming that could be heating up is caused by the fires, as fires burn hot flames that give off heat and the name calling defeat-o-crats are always fannicating the flames on something or other.”

BUSH TO SEND FIRE FIGHTING EQUIPMENT TO NEW ORLEANS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of the devastating wild fires that are raging out of control in Southern California, President Bush pledged today “because of the lessons learned in the Katrina Tornado, I will make sure the Federal Government folks will send some hoses and stuff and people power to New Orleans to fight those fires that are burnicating. In fact,” the President continued, “we will send a surge of fire power to contain the terrorist flames over there so we won’t have to fight them over here and then I will have General Petraeus make progress reports on the progress.”

When asked if this meant that the President was admitting that mistakes were made regarding Hurricane Katrina, Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino said, “There were no mistakes made by the President, just lessons learned.” When asked why the President was sending fire fighting help to New Orleans instead of Southern California where the fires actually were, Perino said, “The President is using the same reasoning he used successfully after we were attacked my mostly Saudi nationals in 9-11, where he then invaded Iraq.”

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned from a reliable source that Vice President Dick Cheney has already visited California to survey the damage and while standing in the flames, near Ramona, said “aaahhh! this feels just like home to me.”

CASTRO TO US: PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A NON-BUSH ERA
By R J Shulman
HAVANA, Cuba – In a speech delivered to reporters, Fidel Castro said today that in a little over a year, George W. Bush would no longer be in office and he hoped that America would embrace fair elections, support education, decry bigotry and greed and seek to provide universal healthcare. “I cry out to my American brothers and sisters to rise up and take back the freedom and fundamental fairness that had made America great.”

The Cuban leader suggested that countries who hold fair election should send emissaries to the United States to help make sure that the election of 2008 is fair. “We would like,” said Castro, “to be able to welcome the US back into the family of peaceful and fair minded nations.”

BUSH TO CERTIFY PROTECTION OF TWO EXTINCT SPECIES
By R J Shulman

ST. MICHAELS, Maryland – President Bush signed an executive order today, to protect the Great Auk and the Pycnodont fish. “I want to be known as a compassionate conservation guy,” the President said, “so I am proclaiming guns and hooks off limits toward those two species, because birds gotta swim and fish gotta fly.” When it was pointed out that the Great Auk went extinct in 1852 and the Pycnodont several million years ago, Bush said, “I would like to point a finger that neither extinctification was caused by a Republican President.”

“This executive order was such a success,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “that the President will sign an executive order protecting two American Values, Free Speech and Truth in Government.”

HALLIBURTON AND BLACKWATER ACCUSED OF OVERCHARGING FOR CANS OF WHUP-ASS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The General Accounting Office has announced that private contractors, such as Halliburton and Blackwater have routinely overcharged the Pentagon for their services. “In one instance,” said Harriet Blocomb, of the GAO, “Halliburton invoiced the Government $3.8 million for a can of semi-gloss whup-ass. What makes it worse,” said Bolcomb, “was that the can was defective and could not be opened.” Other defective items listed on invoices included, $1.7 million for “a bottle of hell-raising and $1.3 million for a box of ass kickin’.

“At least them folks ain’t agin the war on terror like the name-calling Defeat-o-crats that have infilterated Congress,” said President Bush, “and besides that money going to my buddies is like the old saying they have in Texas or is it Tennessee, “you’ve got to have honor among thieves and Halliburdon and Blackface have a barrel full of honor.

DEMS ASK REPRESENTATIVE STARK TO APPOLOGIZE FOR BEING BORN
By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has publicly asked Representative Pete Stark to apologize not only for his remark that President Bush sends troops to Iraqi “to get their heads blown off for his amusement,” but for Stark to say he is sorry for ever being born. “We have so much apologizing to do already,” said Pelosi, “that Stark’s unfortunate remark has put us further behind schedule.” Pelosi is referring to the fact that the Republicans never apologize for anything, leaving the entire apologizing burden to the already stressed out Democrats.

“I am appaulicated by what that Stark fellah said about me,” the President said while watching a recent video of some of the fighting in Iraqi, “I have sended the troops to Iraq to get their heads blowed off not for my amusement but for my – holy cow, did you see the way that guy’s arm got blowed off, like some busted twig on my ranch. One minute he’s holding a picture of his wife and kids and the next, that arm is flying though the air like some hail Mary pass from Tony Romo. Hey, Cheney, run the machine back so I can see an instant replay. Heh-heh, Heh-heh."

REPORTER ASKS WRONG QUESTION ABOUT FREE SPEECH
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D. C. – Reporter Madison James apparently asked a White House official whether the Bush Administration was in favor of free speech and was immediately subdued by police. “He asked it in an obnoxious way,” said officer Wayne Gibson of the DC Police Force “so we had to let him have it.” “We made sure we read him his rights,” said officer Blanche Puggs, “you know ‘you have a right to remain silent or say don’t taze me bro’, and stuff, but the jerk just looked at me in horror, and said Kucinich, you know the name of that left-wing traitor from Ohio that’s running for President that I hate so much, so I zapped him a good teeth-rattling one.”

James who works for the suburban Washington, Bethesda, Maryland weekly Bugle, told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that he was asking the White House official about whether President Bush supports the free spinach program being offered in several Maryland grade schools. “When that big officer came at me,” James told the P-T-S-D, “I kept yelling spinach, spinach, but it just seemed to enrage her further.” Vice President Dick Cheney was pleased with the response of the DC Police. “It is gratifying to know that we Americans are protected when some traitor steps outside a free speech zone. It’s is another example of how we are safer now than before 9-11.”

BUSH SAYS CONSTITUTION NOT WORTH THE PAPER IT WAS TYPED ON
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In pushing for a bill that will allow warrantless wiretapping and secret tribunals for enemy combatants, President Bush dismissed the Constitution as irrelevant saying, “that Constitution is from the Seventeen hundredths, more than five hundred years-old, we need to more follow a much newer thing, like the Bible.” “Pesident Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney held a Rose Garden ceremony where they burned the original document. "I beleive the Constitution is in its final throes," the Vice President said. "Besides,” Bush added, “my doctor says I have a good constitution and that is all the constituting the American people need to know about."

LARRY CRAIG TO LEAVE SENATE TO HOST REALITY TV SHOW CALLED AMERICA’S WIDEST STANCE
By R J Shulman
Hollywood, CA – Senator Larry Craig once again announced that he is resigning his seat in the senate, although this time it will be to host a new reality TV show on the Logo Network. “In America’s Widest Stance,” Craig said, “we will cruise bathroom stalls, non-gay ones of course, in cites such as Minneapolis, San Francisco, and Greenwich Village to find the men with the widest stance.” When asked why he is taking the TV job, Craig said, “you just can’t refuse an interesting position when opportunity comes tapping at your door and this chance is so exciting I’ve just been groping for words.”
The show, which is set to start taping next Monday at midnight in a stall in Madison, Wisconsin’s Hot Kielbasa Bar, will allow the show’s winner to select his own prize by choosing whatever is behind closet number one two or three.

REPORTERS MISREPORTED REASON FOR BUSH’S VETO OF REPORTER SHIELD BILL
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned the real reason why President George W. Bush is planning to veto the bill overwhelmingly passed by the House that would shield reporters from having to reveal their sources to government requests. “It is not to protecticate national security as some say,” said President Bush, “as me and Dick Cheney already know who the sources are before even the reporters do thanks to some tapitations of the wires and dropping of the eaves that we do to listen in to terrorist American killers.”

“The real reason I am going to ink my veto pen,” the President told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “is that they are just reporters, while I am the decider and while the decider can report, the reporters can’t decide and I can show that I am a revelant decider by using the veto. Now, the American people must understand that veto is vote spelled sideways and the Republicans are going to need all the votes they can swing their way in the next election.”

LAURA BUSH TO RELEASE NEW BOOK: IT TAKES A PILLAGE
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK, NY – Laura Bush announced that her new book It Takes a Pillage, will be released by Simon and Schuster on October 31st. “It all about how little Georgie wanted to help his friends out,” Laura said. “But these days, you can’t just go it alone in the helping department,” Laura said, “My book illustrates how it took an entire government and all of its coffers both present and future to line the pockets of W’s buddies.”

“I couldn’t have done it without the help of all them friends I was able to stick up in high places in the government,” the book quotes the President, “but most of the help come from my friends in the media who were more looking at Anna Ricola Smith and Rome Hilton I think her name was that, maybe London Hilton, instead of how much moolah was being slipped to my friends, not that I have billions to hide or anything.”

When asked what kind of advance she received from the publisher, Laura Bush said, “I can’t divulge such state secrets, but I can say it’s a heck of a lot less than Dick Cheney makes on any of those no bid contracts of his.”

BUSH MISTAKES THE DALAI LAMA FOR DOLLY PARTON
By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an exclusive, the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that President Bush thought his meeting with the Dalai Lama was really with one of his idols, Dolly Parton.

“I thought it was strange,” said a White House aide who requested anonymity, “when I walked in with the Dalai Lama, and his assistant, George was dressed in some kind of western cowboy outfit. What was the most embarrassing,” the aide continued, “was that he had his back facing us, said ‘how does it feel to work 9 to 5,’ then quickly turned around with a guitar and started singing Jolene. I will have to live with that sight for the rest of my life.”

“It’s the first time I have ever seen the master lose his smile,” said Utha Ling, assistant to the Dalai Lama. “It was just for a moment, but I am certain the smile was gone.”

The Post Times Sun Dispatch learned that when the President finally spotted his guest, he asked the Dalai Lama if he had come for the laundry or to deliver some Chinese food. When asked if he would apologize for his mistake, the President said, “what mistake? The only mistake around here was that the oriental fellah wasn’t Dolly Parton.”

SUPREME COURT DECIDES IN 5-4 VOTE THAT BUSH IS VICTOR OVER GORE FOR NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. - By the narrowest of margins, the Supreme Court ruled that the Nobel Peace Prize is to be awarded to George W. Bush over Al Gore, the apparent early winner. In Bush v. Gore II, Justice Antonin Scalia, speaking for the majority, said. “we had to stop the Nobel Prize Board from re-counting their votes as it would prejudice the votes of the members who had already voted for Mr. Bush.”

Gore has stated that while he was surprised by the outcome, he has to abide by the Court’s decision. Senator John Kerry commented that he would have given up long before the court decision.

President George W. Bush, who when told of the Court’s decision as he stood over a map of Iran, rattling a seventeenth century Samurai sword, the gift of Japanese Prime Minister , said, “We got to fight the oceans over there, before we have to fight the oceans over here, because OBGYN’s can no longer protect us. Stay the course. Terrorist killers. 9-11. 9-11. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.”

“He is really grateful for the honor,” said Laura Bush, “and will let everyone know just how much as soon as the new meds kick in.”

WARRENTLESS WIRETAPPING HAS SAVED AMERICA FROM HORRIBLE ENEMIES SAYS BUSH ADMINISTRATION
By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D. C. Trying to fend off criticism of his administration when it became known that he authorized warrentless wiretapping from the inception of his Presidency, George W. Bush outlined the program’s benefits. “Without our listenations of our enemies, we would not have been able to defenedate against the old lady Quakers of South Florida who were planning an unpatriotic cookie bake off to raise money for peace that would have undermined our war in Iraq. These snoopdroppings have also let us know the exact details of just how some OBGYN’s practice their love for women all over this country.”

“This intelligence gathering has prevented many an attack,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “of course we missed 9-11, but we were forewarned and thus prepared just how to counter attack and ridicule that traitor John Kerry when he planned to don a duck hunting outfit during the last election campaign.”

“Nobody wants an administration that is uniformed,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “so it should be with great relief that the American people understand that not only do we know where you live, but exactly what you do when you are there.”

MEDIA MISTAKENLY REPORTS GORE WINS NOBEL PEACE PRIZE AWARDED TO DICK CHENEY
By R J Shulman
STOCKHOLM, Sweden – Vice President Dick Cheney has called for a full scale investigation of “the liberal media,” that mistakenly reported that the winner of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize was Al Gore. “We have made progress on finding who leaked the wrong information to the press which has only emboldened our enemy,” the Vice President said. “Our progress in finding the guilty parties,” Cheney continued, “is the result of us traveling to the dark side, if you will and I can assure you the Noble Prize Committee is in its final throes.”

“The Vice President earned the Peace prize by terrifying everyone so much that they’re scared to cause unrest,” said an unnamed spokesman for the Vice President, “and there will be more lasting peace as soon as Dick consolidates his bold vision of world dominance.”

“I am the most proudest of our Dick for winning the Nobels Prize for the peace,” said President George Bush, “everyone knows war is peace. Too bad those war monger peaceniks cheaticated him out of the statuesque statue of the peace prize.”

While there is no clear indication yet on what made for the reporting error. The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that the Noble Award committee may have confused, Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth,” to Dick Cheney’s movie about endless war called “An inconvenient Troops.”

“If you want some global warming,” said Dick Cheney addressing a group of Generals at gathered to discuss the United States nuclear weapon capability, “I’ll give you some fricken’ global warming.”

BUSH DECLARES 12 YEAR OLD GRAEME FROST ENEMY COMBATANT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush declared that Graeme Frost the 12 year old who spoke out against President’s veto of the SCHIP children’s insurance bill, is an enemy combatant and will be shipped off to an unknown location. “I am staying the course to keep the fighting over there in Iraq,” the President said, “and this spoiled kid is bringing the fighting over here where oceans can no longer protect us.” “This traitorous kid is speaking out against the President in a time of war,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “so it is for America’s safety that he will soon be cooling his heels in Gitmo, Egypt or some other detention center that doesn’t exist.”

“We know he is a terrorist,” said a White House spokesperson, “because he had a chance to distance himself from Al Qaeda and Move-On.org, but decided to criticize the Commander in Chief instead.” “It is my understanding,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “that little Graeme is in his final throes.”

BUSH TO PROPOSE CHILD INSURANCE ALTERNATIVE: ISSUE POOR KIDS THEIR OWN BOOTSTRAPS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D. C. – In a move to counter the rising criticism for vetoing the bill commonly called SCHIP that would have provided health insurance to millions of children, President Bush announced that he is proposing a counter measure. “My bill of legislative would grant these not rich kids their very own bootstrap,” the President said, “so’s whenever they need some health, they can just hoist themselves up by their own Government supplied petard.”

“The tax and spend name calling Defeat-o-crats bill would’ve cost $35 millions, mine would use excess bootsraps, some from soldiers who won’t need them anymore and costicate only $1 million, sos anyone who calculataticates the math could see it would save more than 57 millions.”

“In addition to the bootstraps,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “our bill, the Children of Want Childrens Insurance Program, or COWCHIP bill, would give kids a copy of financier Warren Buffett’s book, “If You Want to Make Money, Here’s How it Was Done,” while the little black kids will get a book from one of their own heroes, “If I Did it, Here’s How It Was Done,” by O J Simpson.”

FRED THOMPSON DEBATES WHETHER OR NOT HE WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT
By R J Shulman
DEARBORN, Mich – While the other Republican Presidential hopefuls will debate the issues, Fred Thompson will use today’s TV debate to decide if he wants the role of President. “I am not sure,” said Thompson, “that with all the power wielded by Dickie [Cheney], that the role of President will be big enough for me.”

“This is disgusting,” said Rudy Giuliani, holding a bull horn with a logo “9-11 - we will never forget America’s Mayor,” “that a candidate will shamefully use previous appearances on TV for political purpose.”

“This is plain disgusting,” said Senator John McCain, “that this Freddy-come-lately is beating me in the polls even though I have been running for over a decade.”

“This is plain disgusting,” said Mitt Romney.

BUSH DISCOVERS COLUMBUS DAY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush announced that he has just discovered Columbus day. “I was looking at a calendar and discovered there was a Columbus Day,” the President said, “so I want to congratulate all of the Ohioans from Ohio who have a vacation day named after their state capital.”

“I am going to proposicate,” “the President said, “to make a national holiday for all the state capitals, so I will introduce legislation to add Austin day for Texas, New York City day as the Capital of the Entire State, and all them other capitals, you know who they are. This will give me dozens of new holidays to clear brush on my ranch.”

“These new holidays will apply only to the Administrative branch, which for this purpose will include Vice President Dick Cheney,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Parino, “as too many holidays will make the American worker lazy.”

BUSH DECLARES THE SIXTIES ILLEGAL
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In a signing statement on a little heralded bill to continue funding a national study on hemorrhoids of Government Office workers, President Bush declared what happened in the 1960’s not only illegal, but that it never really happened. “If I was able to ignoricate all the doings of that time in my Frat house, it is only common sensical for the rest of the American peoples to also remember to forget that decade of ten lost years. Besides, there are now ten past nine-elevens that we don’t have to think about in our dreams and nightmares anymore.”

“This mass forgetting of the 60’s will remove all the unfair criticism that this President has had to endure by those who claim he hadn’t learned the lessons of Viet Nam in his handling of the Iraq War,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “How can you learn from something that never happened?”

“That means all this political correctness can disappear,” said Fox talk show host Bill O’Reilly, “I can say anything I want about how Negroes eat and can mention how they just might like watermelon and fried chicken without having to hear an earful from liberal sissies.”

“Now Civil Rights can go back to meaning what it used to,” said talk show host Rush Limbaugh, “that we white males have the right to make all those women and colored people act civil and in their place.”

“While this new law may have a dramatic effect on how we will now live our daily lives,” said Yale Historian Creighton Martinson, “it will not effect anyone who truly lived through the sixties as they have forgotten most of it anyway.”

JUDGE REVIEWING LARRY CRAIG GUILTY PLEA DECLARES HIM GAY
By R J Shulman
MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota – After reviewing the evidence in the case regarding Republican Senator Larry Craig’s plea to have his guilty plea overturned, Judge Charles A. Porter, Jr. said, “the evidence is clear, this man is gay and he has always been gay.”

“I was shocked at the ruling,” said Craig’s attorney in an emotional speech at his office, “I expected a finding of Larry being a bisexual at the worst. I certainly expected a bi on the gay thing or at least being gay about a bi ruling.”

Senator Craig was unavailable for comment as he had locked himself in his bathroom closet at his home. “We will certainly know more,” said a close family friend, “when Larry finally comes out of the closet.”

MASSIVE RECALL OF DEFECTIVE SUPPORT OUR TROOPS DECALS
By R J Shulman
WESTCHESTER, New York – All American Trading Company has ordered a substantial recall of over two million “support our troops” stickers. The decals, which were manufactured in China have been found to be dangerous to Americans.

“We discovered that placing one of these stickers on a car or SUV has given the user a false sense that everything is going great and that they don’t have to do anything else,” said William Ford of the Consumer Protection Agency. “They seem to lure the sticker’s owner into an unrealistic belief that they have done some kind of good deed,” Ford continued, “when they have really done dick.”

The problem has been linked to a sticker factory in Shanghai that used phony materials. News of the recall has caused the death of factory owner, Ling Pao Shan, who committed suicide by shooting himself in the back of the head. So far only one American, General David Petraeus has been hospitalized for overdosing on the sticker.

MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS PREVENTS RUSH LIMBAUGH FROM SERVING IN IRAQ TO ROOT OUT PHONY SOLDIERS

by R J Shulman

BOCA RATON, Fl. - Shortly after President Bush announced that he was sending radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh to Iraq to identify "phony" soldiers, Limbaugh said that due to an unnammed illness, he would have to decline serving in Iraq. "I am really disapointicated," said President Bush, "as Rush is the rightest man to determinate the soldiers in Iraq who have phonily taken a position against my specially winnable war."

"I am also very disappointed," said General David Petraeus, "because the Rush on Iraq was working as he made it look like we are winning the war in Iraq and we could have really used his skill to further silence the soldier dissenters who are obstructing our mission in Iraq, which of course, is to make President Bush look good."

Rush Limbaugh has resisted attempts of the press to obtain his medical records, saying "while I support the Administration's rights to wire tap without a warrant and gather information on American citizens whenever it sees fit, that right stops at my medical records." However, the Post Times Sun Dispatch has discovered that Limbaugh's deferrement from serving in Iraq is due to a cyst on his buttocks. An unnamed doctor who treated Mr. Limbaugh has disclosed to P-T-S-D that his condition "was not caused by too much sitting, as much as it was caused by too much lying."

BILL O’REILLY TO TEACH BLACK STUDIES AT BOB JONES UNIVERSITY
By R J Shulman

GREENVILLE, S.C. – Starting next spring, Fox TV talk show host Bill O’Reilly will be teaching several black studies courses at Bob Jones University in this quiet South Carolina town. “After his successful dinner at Sylvia’s Restaurant, a black owned eating establishment in Harlem,” said Bob Jones University President Stephen B. Jones, “we knew we could use his expertise to teach our students all about African Americans.”

“I am pleased to be able to bring my vast trove of humble knowledge of black people to the mostly white student body of Bob Jones,” O’Reilly said. “I especially look forward the course I will teach about the Revolutionary war, where Crispus Attucks, the first African American to fight for America’s freedom stood up in Boston Harbor and said, ‘lets throw the MF tea in the bay!’ right before the Red Coats put a cap in his ass.”

US SUPREME COURT TO START NEW SEASON WITH HIGH HOPES OF MAKING PLAYOFFS

by R J Shulman

Fans showing support for Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a bruising season last year, that featured close calls and narrow losses, the United States Supreme Court opens its new season today with high expectations. “We think we have a winning team that can achieve victory,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, “this year we should be able to strip away more pointless rights unfairly claimed by some of our most undeserving citizens.”

“I am hoping we can uphold the use of voter ID’s,” said Justice Clarence Thomas who has just released a book of memoirs entitled Call Me Mr. Uncle Thomas, “it has been a tradition to be able to block certain undesirable people from voting and I hope to be able to hit this one out of the park for Jim Crow when I get to decide this case.” He was referring to Crawford v. Marion County, and Indiana case which deals with a law that requires a person to show a picture ID before being allowed to vote.

Another case involves whether foreign nationals held in Guantanimo have a right to plead their innocence before a judge. “I think we have enough good talent coming from the bench to strike out the Gitmo complainers before they can get to first base,” said Justice Antonin Scalia.

“I am confidentiality of my team,” said Manager George W. Bush, “that they will be able to wrong all the rights we want to defeat. Team owners, Exxon, GE and Halliburton echoed their enthusiasm. “We finally have the right line up to utterly crush the opposition,” said Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson.