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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Friday, August 25, 2006

By R. J. Shulman

NEW YORK - In a bold and shocking move that has garnered sharp criticizm, CBS will be airing a new series of their popular show Survivor: Kook Islands, in which the teams will be made up of members of different races. “It’s more like the real world,” said host Jeff Probst, “just look at the cafeteria in any urban high school and groups hang out by race.”

Probst revealed that there will be four teams, one made up of fundamentalist Muslims, one of fundamentalist Christians, one of illegal immigrants and the fourth made up of white right wing talk show hosts. “This will prove once and for all the power of Allah,’ said Amir Al Shaleem of the Muslim group called Team Jihad. He was immediately shouted down by Team Crusade member Pat Robertson who said that God had talked to him and that his team would prove victorious. “Without Jesus,” Robertson said, “those non-believers don’t have a hell of a chance, except to go to hell, of course.”

The team of right wing talk show hosts, called the Middle Aged Conservative Anglo Cowardly A**holes or Team MACACA was to be headed up by Rush Limbaugh. However, Limbaugh was disqualified for sneaking oxycontin into camp. He was replaced by Bill O’Reilly who said, “I just can’t wait to harass one of the female contestants.”

The four teams will be dropped near a border, but will not be told which border it is. “It could be between Iraq and Iran, Israel and Lebanon or Mexico and the US,” said Probst. "and the team who crosses the border first with the least casualties will be the winner."

“I think we have the advantage,” said Ernesto Mondragon, of La Gente, the team of illegals, “as most of us have crossed the border before many times.” “I can’t wait,” said Lupe Suarez, of La Gente, “to see Team MACACA’s Pat Buchanan’s face when he sees our group coming right at him.”

Thursday, August 24, 2006

By R. J. Shulman

HOLLYWOOD - In a stunning move, Disney announced today that after a study of his attributes, Pluto will be downgraded from a full fledged Disney Character to a sidekick. “He just wasn’t on the level of a Mickey or even Mini,” said Disney spokesperson Milton Frediman.

“He’s not very cuddly, nor does he exhibit a brashness of a let’s say, Donald Duck,” said Mark Gundlesburger one of the researchers studying the case, “He was more or less like a Sneezy, who you could just blow off if you had to.”

“Just because Pluto has lost his status,” said Leland Fine, Disney attorney,” Doesn’t mean we will not vigorously defend any unauthorized use of the Pluto character.”

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – In the face of an escalating Iraqi civil war, sectarian violence, rampant unemployment and severely hampered utility services, President Bush announced a bold new approach to solving the problems in Iraq. “It is a time tested solution,” the President said from a hastily called press conference at the Oval Office, “but we know this solution has actually worked in Iraq in the past to keep the peace, stop the religious fighting, restore electrical power and keep fundamentalists from using Iraq as a breeding ground for terrorists. The solution is that we will re-install Saddam Hussein as dictator.”

When asked by reporters how Saddam could rule with a possible conviction for war crimes hanging over his head. “I know just how he feels,” said the President, “but you don’t see that stopping me from being the decider for this country, the US of A.”

Another reporter questioned this plan by asking if the President was concerned with the underhanded tactics that Hussein had used against his political enemies. “Since Saddam has agreed to fight the war on terror, he would have the same authority over there as we have over here to wiretap and spy on terrorists.”

“He’s a pretty good guy if you just allow for a few transgressions,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “I kind of like the way he shakes hands.” “Besides,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “as part of the brokered peace, we drop all charges against Saddam and in return we get a stable Iraq and five permanent military bases in that country.”

Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow said, “at least this is a real positive solution, not the unpatriotic cowardly cut and run strategy embraced by all Democrats.” Under this plan, the reconstruction of Iraq will be carried out by Halliburton using illegal immigrant Mexican labor shipped over from the United States . “This ingenious solution kills two birds with one stone, “said Vice President Dick Cheney, “and you know how much I love killing.”

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

By R. J. Shulman

DENVER – The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that Jon Mark Karr who has confessed to killing child beauty queen Jon Benet Ramsay has also admitted to being the unnamed twentieth hijacker in the attack on September 11, 2001. “It took me longer than I had planned to plant evidence against Jon Benet’s parents,” said Karr, “that I missed my plane to get my instructions to fly a 747 into the New York Times building on that fateful day.” Authorities are investigating his story, although one White House source was quoted as saying that “wouldn’t have been too much of a loss had he succeeded.”

Mr. Karr also confessed to killing Natalee Holloway in Aruba, Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman in Brentwood, California and the sitcom “Everybody Loves Raymond.” “I hated that show,” Karr said. He also hinted that he will have some more confessions that he will reveal the next time the Bush Administration’s approval ratings dip to new lows or another court finds that President Bush has violated the Constitution. Speculation is that if the President is charged with war crimes, that on that very day, Karr will admit he was the one who molested boys at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. "At the right time," speculated an unnamed White House spokesperson, "he may be ready to admit that he was the source for the misinformation about Iraq's non-existant weapons of mass destruction."

“Some people have bad things to say about the Vice President,” Carr said, “but Cheney sure pays on time.”

Friday, August 18, 2006

By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – In a report exclusive to the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, officials say that certain governmental buildings have been infested with large poisonous snakes. “It is especially bad at the White House,” said an unknown spokesperson.

President George W. Bush said, “I don’t know who is responsible for the snakes. It’s a large administration and it will take some time to find who is at fault.” When asked when the investigation would begin, Bush said, “I’m the decider and I’ll let you know when I decide when the investigation will s-s-start.”

“Not to worry,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from an undisclosed snake infested bunker, “the s-s-s-snakes are in their last throes.”

Other buildings experiencing problems include the Pentagon. When questioned, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, “there are knowables about the s-s-s-snakes and unknowables. We know the knowables, but it is the unknowables that we don’t know about that are the problem.”

“I wish we had ol’ Tom Delay back again,” said Speaker of the House Denis Hastart, “We are s-s-surly in need of an exterminator.” Hastard's remarks were in regard to the massive infestation of snakes in the halls of congress.

Trapped in the White House after hours, Actor Samuel L. Jackson currently on a national promotion tour, said to the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, “I’m tired of these motherf*&%kin’ snakes in this motherf*&%kin’ White House.” When asked if he had made progress for his pet charity the National Medical Muscular Federation Society, Jackson said, “you got it mixed up with another organization. This NMMFS stands for No More motherf*&%kin’ snakes.”

Thursday, August 17, 2006

by R. J. Shulman

RICHMOND, Virginia – Claiming it was the liberal media who unfairly spun comments he made at a Breaks, Virginia campaign speech to make it seem that he was being racist and insensitive, Senator George Allen said he will do what it takes to regain the confidence of macaca voters. “All the liberals talked about in the media was how I mentioned that the macaca guy I pointed out had on a yellow shirt, implying that I think all macacas are yellow belly chicken types,” he told the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch. “Those rag-heads are almost as brave as white people. Besides,” he added “they make fine servants. Just ask my mother who employed them when she lived in Tunisia. They are even classier than Mexicans because they speak French.”

“The biased media, controlled by Hollywood elite types,” Allen continued, “did not mention that I had said for all the wonderful white folks in the audience to welcome the macaca to America. Not all of them hate us for our freedom, you know.” The senator said he will now devote much of his campaign to attract the brown skinned voters back into his “campaign of meaningful positive American values.” “There is plenty of room for these voters in the large Republican tent,” he said, “as long as they enter from the back of the tent.”

In his bid for re-election, Allen asked long-time friend, George W. Bush for advice on how to attract the macaca vote. Bush, who has been successful in attracting Mexicans and other darker skinned voters told Allen, “Just look at that horde and say ‘you’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie.”

Polls have shown that Allen’s efforts are beginning to pay off as macaca support for the senator has already doubled from one to two percent. The poll, conducted by Fox News has an error margin of five percent.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

by R. J. Shulman

NEW YORK – The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that nationally syndicated radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh will leave the airwaves on Friday. Sources close to the talk show radio icon say that Limbaugh, who had been addicted to pain killer oxycontin, had recently become hooked on ibuprofen. “Ibuprofen is an anti-inflammatory,” said the source, “and with the vast amount of that drug he is taking, he can no longer inflame his listeners with lies, innuendoes and hate mongering.”

“Rush is so out of it on this drug,” said one his senior producers, “that he actually questioned a talking point handed to him by Karl Rove. He said, ‘isn’t this lie going to inflame the Republican right wing base?’”

“This is a shame,” said Fox commentator Sean Hannity, “Rush was the gold standard when it came to inflammatory remarks and hate-based speech guaranteed to get people so mad they would vote against their own best interests. He will be sorely missed.” Limbaugh will enter rehab at an undisclosed location.

By R. J. Shulman

NEW YORK – In a broadcast to be aired tomorrow, the Fox News Network will say that the so-called squeeze on the middle class is a hoax. The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that Fox will offer proof that reports that rumors that Republicans are attacking the middle class is a vicious tactic used by the left to use fear to secure votes. “Using fear has always been a tactic of the liberals,” said radio show host Michael Savage on the report. “I would never stoop to such lows, not even when I continually warn Americans about the dangers of the liberal homosexual elite who are out to steal the minds of our young.”

In the report, Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) says that just because jobs have moved overseas and the tax breaks have gone to the rich does not mean there is a war on the middle class. “If the middle class stopped wasting their energy on whining and crying and started bribing us Senators instead, they might just get what they want.”

“They just want handouts like an increase in the minimum wage,” said Bill Frist (R-Tenn) on his way to the Senate floor to vote for yet another boost in benefits and pay for Senators. “Poor people are poor because they want to be,” said talk show host Bill O’Reilly, “besides those people refuse to take steps such as lying, cheating, fear mongering and molesting co-workers get to the top like I did.”

Rush Limbaugh agrees, “The middle class could be rich if they just controlled their impulses to buy things. Now where the hell is my maid with my oxycontin?”

When told that more people are falling into poverty under her son’s presidency than at any other time in recent history, Barbara Bush said, “those people will finally learn the value of a dollar so it is working out very well for them.” “I’m the decider,” said President Bush, “and I decided that we will institute a new program of faith based economics to help the economy of the American people to help them put food on their families.”

“Even if there were a problem about the middle class,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “the war on poverty was Lyndon Johnson’s responsibility. These days, we have bigger war to fight.” When asked if he meant the war on terror, Snow said, “I mean the war on truth.”

By R. J. Shulman

BOSTON - Scientists as Boston University are warning about a phenomenon that has them worried about the future of mankind. Their studies are pointing to a marked increase in bad hair days. The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that the scientists will be issuing a paper in the August 23rd issue of the prestigious New England Scientific Journal, called Split Ends of the World, which warns that the planet cannot sustain itself if the trend keeps up. “It’s bad enough when one person in an office has a bad hair day,” said Shirley Mendoza, a Cambridge psychologist, “but can you imagine what it will be like with a room full of bad hair?”

“Of course, there have always been people with bad hair, the Rod Stewarts and the Don Kings, but this new phenomenon is affecting the every day person,” said Wesley Stone, professor of hairology at Boston University. Split Ends of the World will make a link between the recent ban on bringing shampoo and other hair products on airplanes due to terrorists threats and the increase in horrendous hair days. “People have to make a choice,” said Samantha Panagakos, head of Shampoo Studies at Harvard University, “is it worse to have exploding shampoo or exploding hair?”

Quick to join the fight against global bad hair is former Vice President Al Gore who is preparing a film documentary called, “An Inconvenient Root,” about the root causes of bad hair. The Bush Adminstration, which until recently has denied global bad hair, saying bad hair was just contained to Texas, announced a new preemptive strike on bad hair with a nuclear attack on Iran. President Bush said, “Would you rather, fight the bad hair over there or over here?” However, Vice President Dick Cheney said from his undisclosed bunker that he is not personally worried about global bad hair as, “the hair on my head is in its last throes.”

Not all scientists agree there is a problem. “This bad hair stuff is just a giant hoax, allot of fluff,” said Stanley Filbert a scientist with Helene Curtis Products, “any woman can look like the after picture in our ads with just a dab of our product.”

By R. J. Shulman

EAGLES NEST, Austria - Among the fears of spreading calls for peace, world leaders met secretly in the Austrian Apls to find ways to preserve the fragile fear they have been able to maintain in recent years. In an exclusive to the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, British Prime Minister Tony Blair said, “Lacking fear, you cannot control the masses, which allows peace and prosperity to break out at any time.”

“Without fear, without hatred, where are we? said Osama Bin Laden. “I second that demotion,” said President George W. Bush, holding Osama’s hand, “this is the man that gave me my chance to be a warring time President.” “Wartime means wartime powers said Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, leader of Hezbollah who was sharing a drink with Israeli Prime minister, Ehud Olmert. Bush was further complimented by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who said “the American President's manipulation of the terror alerts was brilliant.”

However, talk of past victories soon faded as the leaders got down to the business of devising new ways to keep the fear. “Televised wardrobe malfunctions, phony weapons of mass destruction, homophobia, pyrotechnic destruction of American flags, and hordes of Mexicans crossing the border can only work for so long,” said Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld. “We need a lasting and sustainable fear.”

The world’s most influential men huddled around the same table the leader of Germany had used to keep control of his people some sixty-odd years ago in a conflict he eventually lost. “Adolf lost when he ran short on keeping fear and hatred in lock step, a mistake we will not make,” said Kim Jong Il of North Korea.

The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that some of the plans the leaders are discussing involve further manipulation and control of the media, nuclear first strikes, inflaming religious hatred, destroying the middle class, stealing votes, absolute control of women and making a non-religious education practically impossible.

Vice president Dick Cheney, the keynote speaker, commented via phone from an undisclosed bunker, saying “the only thing we have to fear is fearlessness itself.”

Thursday, August 10, 2006

By R. J. Shulman

CRAWFORD, Texas - In an exclusive report, the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that President Bush has finally come out of the closet. “He went in there three days ago to get a different pair of cowboy boots,” said his wife Laura, “and I was worried that he might not be able to find his way out.”

The Secret Service had already launched a full scale search for the President, when he suddenly emerged holding onto one chartreuse cowboy boot saying, “gracious, that was almost as hard finding my way out as that time with the paper bag.” His advisors immediately persuaded the President not to go back into the closet to find the matching boot and to let the experts find it for him.

The President gushed excitedly about the closet saying, "you’ll never guess who I met on my fabulous journey in there. I asked Karl Rove and Condi Rice if they wanted to come out, but they said they’d rather stay inside the closet.”

After the other boot was retrieved, the President left his ranch to attend a fund raiser in Killeen, Texas where he spoke about his plans to introduce a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

By R.J. Shulman

HARTFORD - Senator Joe Lieberman, undaunted by his stunning upset loss to newcomer Ned Lamont in the Connecticut senate Democratic primary, has announced that he is running for office. When asked for what office, Lieberman said “it doesn’t matter.” “He is just going to throw his hat in the ring,” said his wife Hadassah, “even if there is no ring.”

This lack of focus does not seem to worry Democratic Party officials. “Not to worry,” said Len Smithers, a Democratic Party spokesman, “he is so out of touch that he will have no clue when a real election will take place.” “And every last Democrat has promised not to tell him when there is one,” added Ruth Mancuso, a party leader from Waterbury.

When asked how it felt to be a man without a party, Senator Lieberman said, “just wait until the party I throw to kick off my next campaign.”


By R. J. Shulman
P-T-S-D entertainment reporter

LOS ANGELES – Reeling from having her boyfriend and major movie roles stolen by Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Anniston has now suffered the final insult at the hands of her arch rival. “Poor baby,” said longtime Jen friend Sally Hunt in an exclusive report to the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, “Jen just couldn’t stop thinking about what that botoxed bitch was going to do to her next.” Sally’s comments are not the only proof that the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has that Anniston has been consumed by Angelina Jolie.

“She tasted a little like chicken,” Miss Jolie told the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, “but not a spring chicken, if you know what I mean.” Angelina complimented the “Anniston and Dumplings,” with fava beans and a salad of mixed greens topped off with delicious purple grapes. Apparently, Jolie lured Anniston into a dark alley by telling Jennifer that she was the most talented “Friend.” The meal was ready sixty minutes later using one of the most popular recipes from a Rachel Ray cookbook.

The news surprised Brad Pitt who said, “Angelina has been so busy traveling the world looking for babies to adopt that I can’t see how she found time to prepare such an elaborate meal. Don’t tell Angelina,” he added, “but her cooking left a bad taste in my mouth.”

Upon learning the fate of Jennifer, Courtney Cox said, “Serves her right for stealing my thunder on Friends. She finally ran up against someone who had her for lunch.”

“This is a great loss,” said Sidney Schmaltz, senior editor of the National Enquirer, “the feud between those two broads sure sold a lot of papers. Now we will have to settle with whether or not Nicole Richie is eating again.”

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

by R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – Amidst the all negative news from the Middle East, the unprecedented spike in oil prices and the unparalleled negative image of America in the world, comes the news that President Bush is taking on such challenges by embarking on a new hobby.

“At first I thought learning the guitar would be a good idea, but I got a lot of flack for playing one while Katrina hurricaned the Gulf Coast,” the President said. “So I thought I would take up another instrument.”

“He is a really good student,” said Rudolf Von Stumpen, of the Houston Symphony Orchestra who is giving private music lessons to the President, “he has only destroyed three violins and four eardrums so far, much less destruction than he usually causes.”

"Clinton had his sax," said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, " and now George has his violin. And everyone knows Americans have alot more trouble with illicit sax than with indiscriminant violins."

“I really feel inspired,” the President said as he played furiously, “the greater the problems, the harder I play. Middle East? Fiddle East,” he said launcing into a rousing solo from The Devil Went Down to Georgia. “I am happy that he can finally face the music,” said Laura Bush, obviously proud of her husband.

“This is a good thing for America,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “I mean, would you rather have him fiddle over there or fiddle over here?”

It is reported that Vice President Cheney has also taken up the same instrument. “Boy if I had one of these,” Cheney said from his undisclosed bunker, “my friend Harry might still have his face.”

by R. J. Shulman

CHICAGO - The Chicago Cubs announced today that they have acquired Cuban Leader Fidel Castro in a trade that sent Dusty Baker to Havana. “We always knew Fidel wanted to play for our team,” said Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry, “besides Dusty was too nice to the players, and we needed a clubhouse leader who could dictate to the players just what was needed to win in the struggle for the pennant.”

“If they had only done this when I first tried out for the team decades ago,” said Castro from his Havana hospital bed recovering from a recent operation, “I wouldn’t have had to waste all those years as a blow-hard Communist tyrant. I am happy for Cuba,” he added, “as Dusty is a much better leader than my incompetent little brother, Raul.”

Most Cubs players have embraced the news, “if Castro could stand up to the Yanks for all these years he can certainly stand up to all the other teams,” said Catcher Michael Barrett.

“This is for the better,” Dusty Baker said as he boarded a rickety Liberian freighter for Havana, “at least where I’m headed, if somebody on my side messes up, they will let me kick some serious ass.”

“We expect Fidel to make some changes around here, like a better healthcare plan and a meaningful education for those illiterates who play for us at Wrigley Field” said Hendry, “I can’t wait until Castro gets off the DL list.” It was unclear whether Hendry meant the disabled list or the deposed leader list.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer

WASHINGTON - In an announcement delayed by a scheduling glitch, President Bush announced that his administration was going to win the so-called “war on f-ups,” by outsourcing incompetence around the world. “Would you rather fight incompetence over there or fight it here,” he said into a nonworking microphone that had to be replaced. “I am going to personally bring my vision of American incompetence around the world,” Bush said, after falling off his bicycle injuring a security guard.

“Incompetence is on the march in the Middle East,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice touting recent successes. “Just look at the Iraqis trying to get their government together and how successful I've been at keeping the peace in the Middle East.”

Among the first steps taken by the Bush Administration was to appoint Michael Brown to head UNICEF, the United Nations children’s relief fund. “If you look at his performance during Hurricane Katrina, you can just imagine what he can do for the children of the world,” said a White House source that could not be identified due to a typo in the press release, “besides,” the source stated, “we already have John Bolton as our ambassador, so our UN incompetence is now completely in place.

“I’m headed out to be in charge of the Chinese Infantry, soon as I finish cleaning this rifle” said Vice President Dick Cheney to a group of scattering reporters. Wasting no time, the White house announced that former Speaker of the House, Tom Delay will be the new Pope. “This is a position in which much of the world looks up to for moral and ethical guidance and Tom is the perfect choice,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, still wiping egg off his face from a cheese omelet that had mysterious exploded earlier in the day.

Other announcements included appointing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to be in charge of the military operations for different foreign countries on a rotating basis. “There is no one who can spread incompetence around the world faster than Don,” said former Secretary of State Colin Powell, still trying to get the yellow cake uranium off his face.

When asked about this new development, national radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh said, “I’m going to outsource my maid to Outer frickin’ Mongolia for taking so long to get me my drugs.”

By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer

WASHINGTON - Exercising only his second veto in the six years of his administration, President George W. Bush vetoed science today. “After experiencing the thrill of what its like to just say no,” the President said, “the decider is now the Vetoer in Chief.” The President grinned and vetoed science with a flourish of a pen. The President used a quill pen, as he stated he didn’t want to use gel pens, or any instrument of scientists, as science is “ a theoretical set of theories that some East Coast terrorists loving egghead theorists have theorized which does noting but burdenize the absolute proof of faith.”

This approach mirrors what the President said yesterday when he vetoed a bill passed by Congress regarding funding for stem cell research. “I veto this bill because I believe in the culture of life,” he said, “and I authorize the killing of anyone who disagrees with not saving the poor little embryos.” When told that the embryos in questions were going to be thrown out anyway, he ordered the killing of the “thrower outers” who are “definitely anti-life killers.”

Pat Robertson, popular host of the 700 Club, said “I wholeheartedly agree with the President about saving the embryos, unless we know that the little snowflake is going to grow up to be another Hugo Chavez.”

After vetoing science, the President vowed to veto “any gun control, pollution control, governmental corruption control, lawsuits against corporations, the quaint and pesky Geneva Convention, all taxes for the rich, dissent, the obstructionary Bill of Rights, the tired poor huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and the three Al’s of terror – Al Gore, Al Franken and Al Qeida.” He also threatened to veto birth control. “If God wanted women folk not to be barefoot and pregnant,” he said with a half-chewed buttered roll falling out of his mouth, “they would have been born with shoes and a DUI or a diagram in their parts that OBGYNs practice their love on all over this great country of ours.”

Vice President Dick Cheney was pleased with the President’s bold new initiatives saying from his undisclosed bunker location that the “liberals are in the last throes of their liberalism.” Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow said, “Essentially, the President with this decisive new action has basically said for Americans to just cut the s**t and let the President get back to clearing brush on his ranch.”

When asked about the President’s new veto initiative, national radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh said, “He didn’t say anything about vetoing oxy contin, did he?”

When questioned if he would now veto all bills sent to him by Congress, the President promised to sign any bill declaring English as the official language of the United States, but said he would issue a signing statement saying “since I am the big honcho jeffe boss, I don’t have to be a utilizer of perfectionary English myself.”

By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer

WASHINGTON - In a shocking new study, Fox News has reported that 98% of scientists are so driven by the need to get research grants that they have compromised their integrity in their mad dash to the feeding trough. So says Martin Bowman of the Heritage Foundation who conducted the study. “For example, every scientist who claims to have evidence of global warming has received money for their scientific work. Now just how much more money do you think they would get if they told the world that everything was hunky dory?” Mr. Bowman remarked that the few scientists who did not need research money because they were paid by Exxon/Mobil, Shell, or Conoco Phillips were unanimous in stating that global warming was a great hoax.

Others have used the corrupt scientific community to further their own personal political agenda, the report continued. Mark Terrier of the Scientists for a Safer Tomorrow, a think tank created by General Motors and the Coal Industry, said that “irresponsible scientists have created a monster in Al Gore who is now scaring the country with his deeply flawed “shockumentary.” In response, the Swift Boat for Truth group has just released a film called, “An Inconvenient Gore,” that exposes just how boring the former Vice President is if he has to make a presentation without a slide projector. The documentary will be shown on over 100 television stations, pre-empting the Evening News.

“Scientists have been making some wild claims,” said Rene Picard of the Flat Earth Society. “How can they dare say the world is older than six thousand years when it is clearly against the Bible,” said Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family, a popular syndicated radio show.

“For pure reasons of greed,” said John Brown, CEO of British Petroleum, “Scientists have claimed that oil spills cause death and irreparable harm to ocean life. How can this be as oil is a natural substance?” The report chided scientists who have made wild claims that mercury poisons fish or that cigarette smoking is a hazard to health. “This bogus profit driven research has all but obscured such tried and true facts such as ‘four out of five doctors who smoke, smoke Camels,” said Raleigh Winston of the Tobacco Institute.

When told of the massive corruption uncovered in the scientific community, President Bush said “that is why you have to say the same things over and over again to catapult the propaganda. The next thingy you know,” the President added, “science people will say that too much alcohol and drugs consumpticating can make a man as stupider as you can get.”

From an undisclosed bunker, Vice President Dick Cheney said that all America should take heart because “the scientists are in their last throes. Besides, even if there was global warming, what would be so bad about a scheme that would keep hell from freezing over?”

by R.. J. Shulman

WASHIGNTON- In a shocking move that took everyone by surprise, George W. Bush announced that he has resigned the Presidency effective immediately. Bush said, “I am the resigner and when I resign that means that I have resignicated the Presidency.” Stating the he has “done everything I set forth to do,” Bush said, “I would like to finally get the brush cleared around my ranch. I keep telling the brush to cut the s**t out, but it keeps piling up.” He also indicated that he would finally get to finish reading “My Pet Goat,” without being interrupted by petty incidents such as planes crashing into buildings.

When asked what it was he had set out to do, Bush said, “I wanted to catapult the propaganda and I surly was the catapulter. Since I took over the office in the oval room, there is peace, every American has prospercated, the deficit is better than we purposefully predicted, Cindy Sheehan is losing weight, the slums have been cleaned out of New Orleans and stem cells are now protected so they can turn into little snowflake soldiers.” When questioned about the trouble in the middle east, the President said, “I know that middle eastern states such as Pennsylvania and Ohio have some unrest about the march of democracy, but our counters will be countercating the votes to make sure terrorist voters don’t vote over here.”

Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow stated that the President wanted to spend more time with his family. When asked if he thought Laura and the twins would be happy with this, Mr. Snow stated that he had no idea, as he meant that Mr. Bush wanted to spend more time with Mr. Snow’s family.

The resignation has already caused ripples around the world. British Prime Minister Tony Blair said, “Thank God, if I had to be in the same room with that uncouth oaf one more time, I would probably soil me knickers.” German Chancellor Angela Merkel echoed the sentiment saying, “that if that ugly American tried to give me another shoulder massage I would have had to rearrange his face to one even Barbara Bush would have to say didn’t work out so well for him.” There is an unsubstantiated report that upon hearing the news of the Bush resignation, both Israeli and Hezbollah soldiers threw down their arms saying it was about time that “prayers to Yaweh and Allah were finally answered.”

After taking the Presidential oath of office in his undisclosed bunker, President Dick Chaney said that he had no plans to make any policy changes, stating “Why would I change my mind now?”

by R. J. Shulman

PARIS, FRANCE - A study just released by the Scientific Cultural Societie, SCS, a prestigious French research group shows that American men have a significantly higher amounts of testosterone. “The study shows figures of two to three times the testosterone of the typical Frenchman,” said Pierre Girard, President of SCS.

When asked if this study was a reaction to the victory of American Floyd Landis in the recent Tour de France bicycle race, Girard said “there is no connection between a silly bicycle race and this survey called the Lance Armstrong Syndrome.

Girard also said that “the study further offered proof that too much testosterone causes aggression, cheating, bad TV reality shows and starting wars, all things American.” When asked if he agreed with the survey, President Bush said, “I don’t have too much technosteron and I’ll kill the SOB who says so.” Also disagreeing with the notion that wars are caused by too much testosterone, writer Gore Vidal said, “they are caused by too much greed.”

The survey was conducted on 1000 American men and Ann Coulter.

by R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON - The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that mysterious fires have been plaguing the Bush Administration. Initial reports indicate that arson has been ruled out. “While these fires are not the classic spontaneous combustion where a person bursts into flames,” said a White House spokesperson, “these fires do involve a person’s clothing that catch fire.”

A top secret report, obtained by the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, indicates that President Bush seems to be one of the most effected by this problem. “One minute, I’m telling the American people the reason we are fighting in Iraq and the next thing you know, my clothes start to smoke.” An unconfirmed report pinpoints the location of where the fires start is the speaker’s pair of pants.

“We think there is a problem with the trousers,” said White House spokesperson, Clyde Jones, “so we are having them investigated by scientists from India.” When asked why American scientists were not tapped for the study, Jones said, “We couldn’t find qualified American…,” but could not complete the sentence as his own pants erupted in flames and he had to be rushed to Bethesda Medical Center.

“I think it might be worse for Vice-President Dick Cheney,” said a senior staff official, “he’s had to hide out in a fire proof bunker because every time he opens his mouth, his trousers burst into flames.”

“We have instructed Condi not to wear those pants suits she is so fond of,” said Phil Larson of the State Department, speaking of Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of State. “At least her dresses don’t seem to catch fire so easily.”

“We’ve tried using leather and metal for replacement trousers,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “but they keep on catching fire.” Rumsfeld said the Pentagon is working on a new type of body armor to prevent burns from exploding pants. However, it may take years before these armored pants get deployed. “After all,” Rumsfeld said, “exploding car bombs are still a bigger worry.” Curiously, no American soldier has been injured by this phenomenon, although it has been reported that it has affected several generals.

“When I first heard about this,” said Pat Roberson of the popular 700 Club, “I thought that all the bursting in flames was God’s way of punishing homosexuals. However, I realized it was happening to all my closest friends and on occasion to me.”

There is an unconfirmed report that national talk show host Rush Limbaugh’s addiction to the prescription pain killer Oxy Contin was due to his need for immediate relief from the extreme discomfort caused by the burning sensation he would experience in his posterior every time he spoke into his microphone.

Former White House Press Secretary, Scott McClelland said that the real reason he resigned was his job was becoming quite a “pain in the ass.” Current Presidential Press Secretary, Tony Snow was unavailable for comment as he was recently hospitalized for second degree burns. He is sharing the same hospital room with Presidential Chief of staff Karl Rove who is recovering from recent buttocks replacement surgery. “Maybe J. Edgar Hoover knew something when he chose to wear dresses,” Rove said.

Commenting on this issues, former President Bill Clinton said, “I can sure feel their pain. It was the same one I felt when I said that I never had sex with that woman.”

“We will get to the bottom of this before it gets to all of our bottoms,” said Michael Chertoff, Homeland Security Chief. His press conference was abruptly ended by fire sirens right after he said that this phenomenon only happened to former FEMA chief Michael Brown, but not to him.

In a related story, Fox News announced it was ending its use of the slogan, “Fair and Balanced News.” Every time one of our anchors says that,” a Fox News spokesperson, Les Moore said, “it costs us another pair of pants.”

By R. J. Shulman

COLUMBIA, S.C. – In a stunning announcement, archeologists from Bob Jones University announced today the completion of the translation of a newly discovered book of the bible. They claim that the main thrust of the Book of Cletus is that Jesus was decidedly anti-gay.

The ancient scrolls found deep inside a cave near Summerville, S.C., paint of picture of a young savior who “consistently preached against the dangers of homosexuality,” said Billy Joe Mason, captain of the university football team and one of the science students who have been working on the translation since its discovery last August. “For example,” continued Mason, “Jesus said to disciple Paul, ‘Just because I'm not married, like my robe freshly pressed and a fabulous toe manicure doesn’t mean I’m gay.”

In no less than six-hundred and sixty-six times in the new book, Jesus expresses his disapproval of the homosexual lifestyle. “I always knew he felt this way," said Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family. “Now we can get the congress to rubber stampede my amendment against gay marriage,” said President Bush from his ranch in Crawford, Texas.

Other scientists are skeptical of the authenticity of the document. “I find it suspicious that the ancient scroll was found in North America rather than in the holy lands, where the Dead Sea Scrolls were found,” said Clayton Worthington, professor of archeology at Yale University. “From the looks of the whiskey stains on the document, they are more like the Dead Drunk Scrolls,” he said. After reviewing the document, Lionel Martinson, a Biblical scholar from Brown University said the back of the scroll looked "suspiciously like a flyer for a NASCAR race."

Regardless of the controversy surrounding the new Gospel, many churches, mostly in the south and the midwest, are ordering new bibles which include the new book.

By R.J. Shulman, Staff Writer

MALIBU – Actor Mel Gibson has just set a new worlds record for celebrity apologies when he said he was sorry for the fifth time for anti-Semitic comments he made after being arrested for drunk driving. In a statement released today, Gibson said, “I am sorry I said those things about Jews because those are the people who control Hollywood. Christ, the place is crawling with Hebes.”

In an earlier statement made yesterday, Gibson said, “I apologize for mouthing off. I’ve received so many complaints from people of the Jewish persuasion that there is no way so many were killed in the Holocaust.” That statement followed his appearance on the Larry King show where he said, “I shouldn’t have said those racist remarks. Heck, everyone knows Jews control the frickin’ media and they have really laid into me. Now, Larry isn’t your nose a little on the Semitic side?”

Gibson had also apologized by saying, “I’m sorry my comments against Jews caused such a furor. And speaking of the Furher, where is one when you need one?”

Gibson further commented that he wants to make amends by changing his drink of choice from Jose Cuervo to Manichewitz, “even if that s**t tastes like pigs pissing in a trough.” He has also promised to make a movie entitled, “The Passion of the Moses,” the story of Moses Cohn, who leads a group of Jewish pawn shop owners safely out of Harlem. “It’s the least I could do,” Gibson said.

The previous celebrity apology holder is former President Bill Clinton, who apologized four times for his affair with Monica Lewinsky. When he heard that his record was broken, he said “At least I did not have sex with Mel Gibson.”

By R. J. Shulman,staff writer

WASHINGTON - In an announcement today, President Bush unveiled a stunning new survey that showed by a margin of 100 to 0, that dead Iraqis support his decision to invade Iraq and back the continued presence of US troops. “You’re either for us or against us,” Bush told reporters, “and since not one dead Iraqi has protested or disagreed with our policy, it means that they are in full agreement with all that we are trying to accomplish in Iraq.”

When asked about reports that the dead Iraqis silence could mean nothing more that they were simply dead, Presidential Press Secretary, Tony Snow dismissed such reports as distortions by the Democrats “who were trying to use the war on terror for their political gain. It is quite unfortunate that the Democrats with their near stranglehold on the liberal media would stoop to such unspeakable depths to use fear and smear tactics for political purposes.”

Also touting the survey from an undisclosed bunker location, Vice President Dick Cheney said this survey “was like a shot in the face, or arm as you will, to the President. Besides,” he continued, “the insurgency among dead Iraqis is in its last throes.”“ The President thought that there were only about 30,000 dead Iraqis since the start of the war,” said an unnamed White House spokesman, “but now that this survey is out, the President is much more comfortable with a number closer to 200,000.”

Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld commented that this survey is further proof of the soundness of the Bush Administration’s Iraqi strategy. Rumsfeld added, “would you rather have dead Iraqis over there or have them over here?”“ It is clear,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “that the dead Iraqis are better off now under a government where they can vote than they were under the tyrannical Saddam Hussein.” When a reporter commented that dead people don’t vote, Ms. Rice said, “they do in Chicago.”“

This survey should put and end once and for all,” said Sean Hannity of Fox News, “to the notion that the dead Iraqis see the US as anything other than liberators. In fact, just as we’ve been saying all along, the dead Iraqis at this very moment are pushing up daisies to give to the liberating American troops.”

The survey, conducted last week by Diebold, Inc. had a plus or minus error factor of 100%.