BLACK FRIDAY YACHT SALES SOAR THANKS TO WALL STREET BAILOUT
By R J Shulman
SAN DIEGO – (PTSD News) – Predictions of a dire yacht sale season may prove to be erroneous as sales of large boats hit new holiday levels according figures just released by the Boat Manufactures and Retailers of America. “After the collapse of the capital markets, we thought we were sunk,” said Raleigh Westerfield of Marquis Yachts, “but thanks to Henry Paulson, Bush and Congress, our boating business has been kept afloat.”

“One minute, I thought I was going to be in the unemployment line,” said Sol Burns of Goldman Sachs, “and the next I am on line to buy a Chris-Craft 36 footer. Thank you, taxpayers!”

The 58% increase from last year’s Friday after Thanksgiving yacht sales has given hope that this rising tide will help raise the rest of the luxury boating industry such as slip rentals and deck furniture sales. However, experts worry this boom may be temporary. “I wasn’t in the market for a boat this year,” said Barney Rawson a Senior Vice President at the recently rescued Citibank, “but I figured I’d better buy this Carver 47 Motor Yacht now, before those greedy auto workers get a free handout from the government or Obama comes in and tries to spread the wealth around. This may be the last time I get such a large bonus for losing Citibank so much money.”

FDA FINDS MELAMINE SAFE IN BABY FORMULA, LEAD OK IN PAINT AND RADIOACTIVITY IN MILK JUST FINE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – The Food and Drug Administration apparently reversed itself Friday when it proclaimed that the chemical melamine is safe in baby formula. “We have found that melamine will not cause harm,” said Steven Sundlof, FDA’s director of the Center for Food Safety, “if the level of melamine falls below whatever the amount is in Nestle’s Good Start Supreme Instant Formula and Meade Johnson’s infant powder, Enfimil.”

The FDA had previously stated that they could not determine any safe level of melamine in baby formula, a substance responsible for at least four infant deaths in China and for sickening thousands of babies. The fact that the change in position came hours after a closed door meeting between FDA officials, Nestle and Mead Johnson, “was just a coincidence,” said Sundlof.

In another announcement, the FDA stated that lead paint was no longer to be considered toxic if it fell below the level of lead originally found in Dutch Boy, Sherwin-Williams and Benjamin Moore. “Just like there has been an over reaction to fears of global warming,” said Gary Carter of the EPA, “there has been an almost hysterical discrimination against lead. These enviro-fascists are driving up the cost of paint. The homeowner has enough trouble trying to make their adjustable rate mortgage payment, let alone pay a premium for paint.” The report fell short of blaming the current financial crisis on the banning of lead in paint

Along with the FDA report on melamine, it released its findings that radio-activity and growth hormones found in milk were fine as long as they fell below the levels suggested by the American Dairy Council. “The children are our future,” said Cindy Collins of the American Dairy Council, “and we wouldn’t dream of having anything harm them. Certainly not before the rapture.”

NEW FOX NEWS POLL: OBAMA WORST PRESIDENT EVER
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) – In a report to be broadcast tomorrow, Fox News will unveil its exhaustive new poll that shows that Barack Obama is now considered the worst President ever. “It is a very scientific poll of our viewers,” said Fox President Roger Ailes, “they are absolutely appalled by Obama, who now has the lowest approval rating in the history of Fox Television.”

The report shows him with an unfavorable rating of 95%, easily topping the previous worst President, Bill Clinton who had a negative rating of 79%. “Frankly, I am not surprised,” said Glenn Beck, “what’s there to like about a militant black Muslim who follows a hateful black Christian preacher, while going around stealing money from rich folks who stole it fair and square from the idiots who were too stupid to know it was being stolen from them in the first place.”

Our poll indicated that Americans were fed up with the Obama recession, his two failed wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the way he did nothing when Hurricane Katrina hit, and all the bad feeling he crated around the world for the United States,” said Doyle Manchester, a Fox analyst. “You have to feel for Obama a bit” continued Manchester, “because after all, Obama had to follow one of the most loved and patriotic presidents of all time, George W. Bush.” The Fox News poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 100 percent.

An Obama spokesperson said the Fox report was preposterous as President Elect Obama has not yet taken office. “That is the lamest excuse in the world,” responded Shirley Cott, of Fox News. “It’s just like Obama to try and avoid responsibility.”

TURKEY PARDONS BUSH, PALIN
By R J Shulman
CONWAY, Arkansas – (PTSD News) – Just moments before being slaughtered, a 32 pound turkey named Francis pardoned President George W. Bush. Gordon Molina, better known as “the Turkey Whisperer” to his loyal viewers on his popular Animal Planet TV show, said that Francis, told him that “he was grateful for the life he had led, thanking God saying, father, please forgive Bush and Cheney for than know not what they do.”

Molina said that Francis also pardoned Sarah Palin even though she “made millions watch the senseless slaughter of my brother, Clarkson Turkey.” “If Francis was just given a little more time,” Molina said, “he would have pardoned the whole Bush Administration as Francis so aptly told me, ‘they just couldn’t help being the way they were. They are just birds of a feather.’”

“Turkeys are fighting a courageous battle,” said Molina. “First, their name ‘turkey’ has become synonymous with being a real loser. Then the yearly holocaust where any turkey becomes fair game. Even if I am just one voice, crying out in the wilderness, I cry foul.”

BUSH WILL PARDON EVERYONE BUT FATHER AND DICK CHENEY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Sources close to George W. Bush say the President has made his list, checked it twice, but two prominent names will not be on it. “I am pardonating everyone from Ted Stevens to Cat Stevens, from Tony Soprano to Tony Romo,” said Bush. “I’ve been writing so many names my hand is too tired to sign any bail out for the auto industry, heh-heh. But don’t expecticate me to put my daddy’s name on the list,” Bush said, “He didn’t complete the job in Iraq, leaving it up to me to finish messing it up. And Cheney? Why should I pardon the guy who gave me such bad advice that he made Rumsfeld seem like a genius. Resistance in its final throes, my ascot.”

Vice President Dick Cheney replied to the announcement that he was not being pardoned by calling the New York Times from one of his bunkers. However, the phone call was garbled requiring a team of audio experts to try and decipher the message. So far they have detected two phrases, “puppet moron” and “hunting trip.”

OBAMA PICKS PALIN FOR AMBASSADOR TO RUSSIA
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – In a bipartisan move, President Elect Barack Obama chose Sarah Palin as Ambassador to Russia. “I know how important her family is to her,” Obama told reporters, “so that’s why I chose a position where she could work from home.”

Palin said she told Obama she would “have to get back to ya on that one,” but indicated she would accept as long as the job didn’t require her to “pal around with terrorists.”

“You know how they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer,” said Robert Clemson, a Washington insider. “This is Obama’s real strategy. He has already included former rivals Bill Richardson and Hillary Clinton in his cabinet. Expect further odd fellows in his administration.” The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned from a reliable source that Obama will tap talk show host Michael Savage as his ambassador to Mexico and Rush Limbaugh as the new drug czar.

DRUDGE TO REPORT OBAMA’S CHOICE FOR SECRETARY OF STATE WILL BE MONICA LEWINSKY
by R J Shulman
HOLLYWOOD, California - (PTSD – News) - The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that The Drudge Report will claim Barack Obama will not choose Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State as anticipated, but will offer the post to Monica Lewinsky. President Elect Barack Obama was unavailable for comment, but Senator Clinton said, “you mean that twit will take my place again?”

The Drudge Report speculates that Obama changed his mind about Hillary Clinton because he did not want to be perceived as being too tied into the Clinton Administration which would weaken his message of change. Matt Drudge continued, “Obama then decided to reach across the aisle and choose Sarah Palin, but when Sarah did that interview where the turkey was getting slaughtered, he thought better of it. Besides, Obama advisors reminded him that Lewinsky has more foreign affairs experience than Palin. Monica had White House experience and if the White House is bombed she will at least know how to get under a desk.”

“The Drudge Report is 99.9% accurate,” said Clayton Wainwright of the Heritage Foundation, “until proven wrong, of course. But by that time, Fox News and conservative talk radio have been banging away at the false story so many times, it has already become the truth.”

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has also learned Drudge will claim Obama runs a secret landing strip near Matoon, Illinois where drugs are flown in from South America to help fund his nefarious schemes, and will also report it was Obama who really killed Vince Foster. “Why reinvent the wheel, when this stuff worked so well against Bill Clinton?” Drudge said. “Although, if that doesn’t work, I will report that Obama will be coming for your guns, your bibles and your daughters. And if that fails to rile the Republican base, I’ll use the nuclear option. I’ll say Obama is coming for your best hunting dog.”

In addition, Drudge will report that an unusually large number of persons died in Fort Wayne, Indiana after Obama spoke to them. “The President Elect made a stop at a the Happy Hills nursing home, there” said an Obama spokesperson. “Anyone who died, died of old age.”

“With just a few more of my reports like this,” concluded Drudge, “the impeach Obama bandwagon will be rolling down the road at full steam.” A spokesman for the House Majority leader said Nancy Pelosi won’t make the same mistake twice. This time, as a bipartisan gesture, she will put impeachment back on the table.

BUSH DISCOVERS ECONOMY IS NOT JUST ONE OF THE SIZES OF CARS YOU CAN RENT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) - In his weekly radio address, President George W. Bush admitted that he had just recently discovered that there is an economy which effects the financial health of the country. “This other kind of economy, you know that the country runs on was news to me,” Bush said, “I always thought that economy was the large size of stuff that people can buy if they are, you know, not rich.”

The President said he was further misled about the state of the economy when right after he learned what it was, Senator McCain told him the basic fundamentals of the economy were sound. “Boy, if that was straight talk,” Bush said, “I might just want to hear gay talk.”

The President concluded his radio address by saying that there are four things that are important in getting the economy going again. “There is free trade, free markets, free people, and me getting a free pass for not getting blamed for messing up the economy.”

The President’s plan is already well underway according to White House Press Secretary Dana Perino. “I am not sure about any of that free this and that,” Perino said, “but we are having success starting to get the media call the downturn in the economy the Obama recession.”

REAGAN’S TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS HITS FIRST MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY
By R J Shulman
PAWLING, New York – (PTSD News) – Sydney Wollink may have just made history. The 53 year old dry cleaner may be the first middle class American who has benefited from President Reagan’s economic plan which became known as the trickle down theory.

“I was returning a suit to this very rich guy, Dyson Winterbridge III,” said Wollink, “ and he handed me an extra five dollar bill. He mumbled something about missing Ronld Reagan and worrying that Obama was going force him to share his wealth rather than for him to do it voluntarily.”

When contacted by the Post Times Sun Dispatch, Winterbridge, who is better known as Joe the Billionaire, said he was unaware of any gift to Wollink and insists he is going to take action to get his five dollars back including interest.”

“This proves the trickle down surge is working,” said John McCain. “Obama has to admit that the trickle down surge is working.” “I always knew the theory of giving all the money to the rich would work someday,” said President Bush. “and now it's finally tinkling down to the not rich people.”

BIG 3 AUTO CEOS ON PRIVATE JET FLAP: AT LEAST WE CANCELLED THE HOOKERS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – The top executives of the big three auto manufactures came to Washington to ask for help for their failing companies and ended up defending themselves against harsh criticism from Congress that they flew in on private jets. “We are well aware of having to cut our spending,” said Richard Wagoner of General Motors, “so we didn’t have the call girls to fly with us.” “In addition,” said Alan Mulally of Ford, “we cut costs by booking the limos without the hot tubs in them.”

“We wanted to tell Congress we needed a little bridge loan to help start our new line of cars America really wants,” said Robert Nardelli of Chrysler. “Leading the way for Chrysler’s resurgence will be the new Plymouth Behemoth, the worlds largest SUV crossover, part off road monster, part muscle car. This baby will get 30 mpg, well really 30 gpm, but gas prices are coming down and Americans want big and bold. Plus, our research shows the public have really missed their Plymouths so we are bring that venerable nameplate back.”

Congress was not amused and sent the three packing back to Michigan. The Democrats demanded the big three come back with viable plans to turn their businesses around. The Republicans were less interested. “Let’s see,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “the auto industry is in Michigan, Indiana and Ohio who voted for Obama, so forgettaboutit.”

President Elect Obama said he wanted to save the auto industry jobs “to keep the workers from getting bitter and turning to guns and bibles.” “What is wrong with guns and bibles and being bitter,” said Sarah Palin, “extremely bitter.” “I think we should fight, fight, fight,” said John McCain, “fight, fight, fight because we have to… what are we fighting for again? Well, doesn’t matter we have to fight, fight, fight.” “Unfortunately, if you will” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “the US auto industry is in its final throes.”

“I can’t believe the nerve of those failed automobile managers trying to get a hand out from the government,” said AIG chairman Robert Willumstad, “I’ve lost so much on their damn stocks, it could eat into the bonus money I just got from Congress.”

PRESIDENT BUSH INJURED OPENING A CAN OF WHUP ASS
By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – In the waning moments of his presidency, George W. Bush has admitted that he was severely injured in 2003 when he was opening up a can of whup ass. “I was cranking this can opener on this big old giant can of whup ass and speechifying to the American people,” said President Bush, “One minute I was saying ‘bring it on’ and the next minute I cut a deep cut in my hand.”

“The wound was so deep,” said Norman Unkler, a White House aide, “that the President bled everywhere. He got blood all over the economy and the Constitution. We were able to save his hand, but I am not so sure we were able to salvage the economy or the Bill of Rights.”

“President Bush also cut himself on cans of Whup Ass when he said ‘mission accomplished’ and ‘Osama bin Laden, wanted dead or alive,’” Unkler said, “but those injuries were not as server or long lasting. In fact, the ‘bring in on’ injury is so severe, George is going to be forced into a disability retirement sometime in January.”

“We began an investigation to determine if the can of whup ass or the can opener was defective,” said Flip Schoenfeld of the Consumer Protection Agency, “but when we found out that both the can and the opener was supplied on a no bid contract by Halliburton, Vice President Dick Cheney suggested he should handle the investigation. So far, the report has not been released.”

Does President Bush have any advice for the incoming President? Bush said,” nobody could have known that you have to planicate ahead before you open a can of whup ass.”

LIEBERMAN OPERATION SUCCESSFUL: LIPS REMOVED FROM BUSH’S BUTTOCKS
By R J Shulman
BETHESDA, Maryland – (PTSD News) – In a painful 16 hour operation performed at Bethesda Medical Center, a team of doctors has successfully separated Senator Joe Lieberman’s lips from the posterior President George W. Bush. “It was touch and go for a while,” said Dr. Siddhartha Gupta. “We didn’t know if we were going to lose a lip or a buttock, but it all worked out.” The doctors had a brief scare when it appeared they had lost the President’s right cheek.

“I wouldn’t of minded losing my right rear that much,” quipped President Bush, “because that would of remained me with a left behind and that is the book Laura has promised to read after she finishes that one bout that pet goat.”

“This is a real red and blue letter day for me,” said Senator Lieberman who had to type his responses due to sore lips, “I get to keep my lips and my chairmanships of my Senate committees.” Speculation had grown that the Democrats would strip him of his committees in retaliation for his support of Senator McCain. However, they did not take action against him.

“We have entered a new age of tolerance,” said one Washington insider. “Or maybe the donkeys have shorter memories than the elephants. If Republican lips had gotten to close to Clinton buns, that Republican would be on the next hunting trip with Dick Cheney.”

Sources close to Senator Obama say they are pleased Lieberman’s operation had gone well, but are secretly worried about Obama’s safety. “We’re concerned about those loose Lieberman lips getting too close to the president elect,” said newly named Obama chief of staff Rahm Emanuel. “so we have given special CYA instructions to the Senator.”

“We generally do not see this much ass kissing in the free world,” said Ridley Mountblanc, a professor of international affairs at Stanford, “that kind of survival behavior is usually reserved for tyrants and dictators.”

FOX TV SECURES RIGHTS TO EXTREME MAKEOVER, WHITE HOUSE EDITION
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – In one of the fiercest bidding wars in TV history, Fox Television out bid ABC for the right to air the show that chronicles the changes being made to the White House in preparation for it’s new occupants, the Obamas. “We want to make the new first family feel right at home,” said Tom Mullins, one of the show’s producers. “Since Barack Obama is the first black president, these changes will not just be window dressing and speaking of window dressing, the curtains will be made out of this gold fabric with so much bling hanging from them that we had to call in the Army Corps of Engineers to make sure the curtains wouldn’t collapse.”

“And the walls of the White House won’t be white any more,” Mullins said, “does a Crayola box have just one color? I can’t give it away, but here is going to be some umber getting burnt.” Mullins said he can’t disclose any more details, but he guarantees when they are done, there will be “one fly crib on Pennsylvania Avenue.”

Fox expects record ratings for the program which is scheduled to be broadcast on January 21, 2009, the day the Obamas move in. Barack Obama admitted he was not aware of the television show or about any major changes at the White House. “I am just trying to carry out the job I’ve been elected to do,” Obama said.

Fox Television announced that the no bid contract to renovate the White House was awarded to Halliburton by Senator Ted Stevens who was in charge of the project.

OBAMA VICTORY STARTS HOT NEW TREND: PALLING AROUND WITH TERRORISTS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – The decisive victory of Barack Obama in the presidential election has made a once taboo topic the talk of the town, associating with a terrorist. “Everybody wants to have their picture taken with a terrorist,” said Sandy Holsteder of US Magazine, “William Ayers has so many invites, he will never have to buy lunch or dinner again.” The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that Reverend Wright has so many guest sermons to make all over the country, that it will be 2012 before he can preach at this own church again.” Just overnight, Cat Stevens has been booked at hundreds of weddings and bar mitzvahs.

“Rather than in the past where you might want to shoot a terrorist,” said People Magazine editor Heidi French, “now you want to shoot the breeze with them.”

“It looks like Sarah Palin’s attacks on Barack Obama have backfired and has had the opposite effect of making having a terrorist over for lunch a bad thing,” said political analyst Forrest Banks. When asked by Larry King if her comments regarding Barack Obama palling around with terrorists has caused their new found popularity, Sarah Palin said, “Katie, I’ll have to get back to ya, on that one.”

“This trend is not new as Hollywood has always palled around with terrorists,” said Clive Bollinger of the Hollywood Reporter. Rumor has it Brad and Angelina are going to adopt a terrorist instead of another baby.

Experts say the public has got to beware of people falsely claiming to be terrorists. “These unscrupulous people will take advantage of the terrorist hungry public and claim they have bombed buildings or planned attacks when they haven’t so much as spit on the sidewalk,” said Bollinger.

SENATOR STEVENS PLEADS WITH COURT: DON’T SEND ME TO JAIL, THEY WILL TURN ME MUSLIM
By R J Shulman
ANCHORAGE, Alaska – With his re-election bid still up in the air, Senator Ted Stevens is concerned about something else, his pending jail sentence. “What I am most afraid of about prison,” said the 84 year old, who was convicted of concealing improper gifts, “is going in a Christian and coming out a Muslim.” Stevens told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, that “in jail, they are going to recruit me to their side by playing Peace Train over and over again until I join the Stevens Gang, you know Ted and Cat, praying up a storm to Allah.”

Senator Stevens is not expressing an idle fear. The latest study by the Garland Institute of Bethesda, Maryland shows that over 34% of those sent to prison are converted to Islam. “This number has been increasing steadily, and at this rate and with America having the largest prison population in the world, well, you do the math,” said Edward Satterfield, senior analyst at Garland. “With the war on Christmas and outlawing God in full swing, we are in deep trouble,” said Christopher Hammond of the Jesus in Jail project, “if they outlaw Jesus, only outlaws with have Jesus, or was that guns?”

Of deeper concern to the Bush Administration is that President Bush makes sure gets his pardons in place. “He better be checking his list and checking it twice,” said Scooter Libby, former chief of staff for Vice President Dick Cheney, “otherwise his whole damn administration may soon end up in the pokey all turned toward Mecca.”

SLIDE RULE COMPANY ASKS FOR GOVERNMENT BAILOUT
By R J Shulman
DEFIANCE, Ohio – (PTSD News) – The Tilden Slide Rule Company has asked to be part of the ever growing government bailout of failing businesses. “It will be a national disaster if our company slides past the point of no return,” said Tilden president Pembroke Westley. “Millions of great minds depend on our products which helped win the cold war.” Westley recommended a stiff tariff on foreign made calculators. “We have to save these skilled American slide rule manufacturing jobs as we can’t compete with the cheap labor of China and Malaysia.”

The Tilden request comes on the heels of one from Smith-Corona to keep its typewriter business afloat. This is in addition to the pleas from General Motors, Ford and Chrysler.

“The federal government should bail me out, and I mean bail literally,” said Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska who is facing a stiff prison sentence. “If I am in jail, how will the market of illegally fixing up politician’s houses survive?” Benny Rodriguez of Stamford, Connecticut believes that the government should bail out his gambling debts. “When I lost all that money at Foxwoods,” Rodriguez says, “it was my money. I wasn’t reckless with other people’s funds as were those Wall Street speculators that got bailed out.”

“Don’t you think the government should have bailed out New Orleans before AIG?,” said Monty Robicheaux, of Slidell, Louisiana. “We need a bailout down here, literally. My basement is still flooded.”

In light of the deepening crisis, President Bush has announced his new three point plan to shore up these ailing business. “The three points to my three point plan are first you have to shop,” said Bush,’ “the second point is to shop and thirdly, you should shop, you know shopicate ‘till you dropicate, just like I told everyone to do after 9-11.”

Governor Palin addressed the issue on Larry King Live when she told Larry, “By golly, Charlie, we should get Joe the Plumber to bail us out once he gets his plumbing license and legally changes his name to Joe.” Senator John McCain said, “we have to fight, fight, fight. Even if the bailout takes one hundred years.” President Elect Obama urged Americans to “Stay calm. This is not time for you to panic. It is time for me to panic. I can’t believe what the arugula I got myself into.”

Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters from a secure line from one of his bunkers, “I believe, if you will, that the economy is in it final throes.”

PALIN FINALLY GETS HER EX BROTHER-IN-LAW FIRED
By R J Shulman
JUNEAU, Alaska – (PTSD News) – After a brief hiatus to conduct her campaign for vice president of the United States, Sarah Palin resumed her duties as governor of Alaska. As job one, she completed the task of securing the firing of her ex-brother in law, Mike Wooten. Wooten who was once a state trooper, had been working at Klondike Upholsterers in Anchorage, until last Friday, when he was terminated.

“Once this governor sets her mind to get something done,” Palin told KTUU-TV, channel 2 anchor Chad Michaels. “I stay on it until it gets done. Now excuse me while this pit bull hockey mom puts on some lipstick, Chad.” Seizing the moment of levity, Michaels asked, “Tell me Sarah, do you call yourself a hockey mom because your kids are all pucked up?” The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that Michaels was fired from his job after KTUU got a call from the governor’s office.

“Man, a caribou doesn’t stand a chance if he gets in the governor’s sights,” said Wooten.” One minute I am stuffing a couch and the next my boss knocks the stuffing out of me by telling me I’m fired. It’s a good thing McCain lost because if she was the VP, I’d be employee non grata in the lower 48 too.”

“Some people might say that the governor has abused her power by getting her ex brother-in-law fired,” said a Palin spokesperson. “But a committee of six people appointed by the governor found that Sarah did nothing wrong and the problem here is that the media has just been unfairly attacking Sarah, falsely portraying her as a power hungry, vindictive person who will go to any length to destroy her enemies. Now there will be a more balanced portrayal of the governor on TV, now that she got all the local news anchors fired.”

POLITICAL SATIRISTS IN PANIC: OBAMA JUST NOT FUNNY
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD – News) – Political satirists are in a frenzy as it has become clear that President Elect Obama is just not humorous. “Simply put,” said satirist Andy Borowitz, “ Barack Obama is the least funny leader since Jesus Christ.”

“We have nothing to write, nowhere to go,” said Freddie Rosenthal, a staff writer for David Letterman. “Obama not only knows how many houses he owns and that Yugoslavia is no longer a country, but he won’t be saying anytime soon that he’s the decider who wants to put food on your family,” said Howie Cohensteinleibowitz, who writes for Jay Leno. “I wanted to add some political humor to my nightclub act,” said comedian-actor Michael Richards “but with Obama all I can think of are inappropriate black jokes.”

Some pol-sat writers have cried foul, claiming there is a conspiracy to rob them of their livelihood. “There is something funny, not ha-ha funny, but funny about a politician who is not funny,” said Moshe Schlomo Wilson, senior vice president of the Comedy Network. “Even our own John Stewart is at his wits end with the Obama thing and we are calling for a full scale investigation.”

Not everyone is convinced the humor shortage is really a crisis. Bill O’Reilly of Fox News said, “I know me saying Obama has a funny name went over like a white hood at an NAACP convention, but, come on, Obama has funny initials. B.O. Every decent fun loving American knows that stands for body odor. Now what moron would put himself in the public eye the initials B O,” Bill O’Reilly concluded.

So far, the sudden downturn in political satire has already claimed over 42 jobs at the major networks, cable stations and comedy clubs. “Political humorists are dropping faster than Starbuck’s profits,” said Billy Lyons owner of the Laff Riot Comedy Club in Kansas City. Larry Martin, who was just let go by the Colbert Report, said “It’s so bleak out there for political satirists that it would be easier to get a job as a mortgage broker for out of work auto workers.”

Many fear that the United States is on the verge of a satire recession or worse. “Without humor,” said Dr. Dante Proust of the Bennett Cerf institute, “we really are headed for a depression.”

McCAIN RESUMES CAMPAIGN
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – (PTSD News) – Claiming the economy is once again fundamentally sound, Senator John McCain announced that he has ended the suspension of his campaign. When told that the election was over and Obama had won, McCain said, “I have not yet begun to fight.”

“That man wants to fight everything,” said a former McCain staffer, Lyndsey Marsh. “He wants to fight the Iraqis, he wants to fight the Iranians, the Soviet troops in Yugoslavia, William Ayers, the Acorn voter registrants, he wants to fight the goddamn Dallas Cowboys. The only thing I heard him say he doesn’t want to fight is poverty.”

“He was quite livid when he found out that Sarah Palin had gone back to Alaska,” said Syd Greene, a McCain organizer in Vincennes, Indiana. “He said he picked Palin because she wasn’t afraid to shoot her weapon, but didn’t expect her to cut and run back home like a scared rabbit.” Sarah Palin responded by saying there was no rift between her and McCain. “We love each,” she said, “it is just the damn media blowing it all out of proportion.” She said she would personally send a couple of Alaska State Troopers down to Arizona to make sure John knows just how much she loves him.

“They want a maverick do they?,” McCain told a reporter from the Phoenix Sun who he had pinned against a wall, “What is more maverick than a candidate who still fights after he lost the vote by as much as I did?”

BUSH MEETS WITH OBAMA TO DISCUSS HIS ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT IN HISTORICALY SHORT MEETING
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – In the first meeting to begin the transition of power, George W. Bush told President elect Obama, “After my presidency, I’ve got some mighty big boots for you to fill because I put my brand on everything. First, I bushwhacked our standing in the world and our national security with that little excursion in Iraq,” the outgoing president said, “then I bushicated that quaint old document called the Constitution, then bushmantled government agencies until we could have something like New Orleans drown, and then Bushsploded the economy with all of that deregulation of my friends. So all I gotta say after all my hard, hard work as President is that I’m bushed.”

President elect Obama said his meeting with the president was “quite informative” and told reporters he was going to see his doctor to have his head examined for “wanting to try and clean up this mess.”

GOP STRATEGISTS LAMENT:WE COULD HAVE WON ELECTION IF WE DIDN’T RUN SUCH A POSITIVE CAMPAIGN
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – What has come to light in recent days is that there was a major rift in the Republican party as to the tone that was to be taken by the McCain Campaign. On one hand was the more subdued approach of Rick Davis and Steve Schmidt of the McCain camp and on the other Sarah Palin’s more aggressive ‘rip the antlers off,’ approach that was ultimately scrapped.

“We think Sarah may have been right and we were just too nice to Obama,” said Davis. “They were just too afraid to expose the real Obama because they were scared of being called racists,” said national talk show host Rush Limbaugh, “so now we are going to be stuck with an affirmative action President.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that the Palin plan was just moments away from being launched two weeks before the election, until John McCain blocked it by threatening to re-suspend his campaign. “I’ve gone as low as I can go, already,” McCain told GOP party officials.

Here are some of the themes that were going to be used in these Obama attack ads that would claim the following would happen if people voted for Obama:

1. Obama will name William Ayers as the head of homeland security,
2. Obama will declare all religions illegal, except for Muslims who follow radical black preachers,
3. You will be forced to eat arugula,
4. Any person not found palling around with a terrorist will be sent to Guantanamo,
5. Obama will confiscate your guns and give them to inner city drug dealers,
6. Obama with turn the White House into the Crack House,
7. Since black people had picked cotton and raised white people’s children for four hundred years, Obama will tell white people it was there turn for the next four hundred years,
8. Country music will be banned at NASCAR races and be replaced with Snoop Dog and Flavor Flav,
9. There may be good news that there will be more public transportation, the bad news is you will have to move to the back of the bus,
10. Obama’s idea of spreading the wealth will make good on the promise to give every black person 40 acres and a mule and god help you if you don’t have a mule to give,
11. Joe the Plumber will be forced to face the firing squad,
12. And most horrifying of all Obama will divorce Michelle, marry Senator Clinton and you will get Hillary as the first lady again.

“The Republicans are going to have to be able to run tough campaigns and be able to get down in the gutter with the Democrats in the next election or they will be sunk,” said Hamilton Blore of the Heritage Institute. “They had some powerful material but were too hampered by political correctness and ethics to let the other side have it.”

BUSH TO OBAMA: I BROKE IT, YOU BOUGHT IT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – President Elect Obama met with President Bush to begin the transition of the presidency. “I am really impressicated with Mr. Obama,” Bush said after he emerged from a two hour meeting with the Illinois Senator. “Even after I speechicated to him how bad things really were he still said yes, I can.” “Actually,’ Obama said, “After he told me the real state of the country, I asked him where the can was, as I had to throw up.”

“I know that Mr. Obama will reach across the isle to non-partisan the presidency,” Bush said, “because right after he got back from the bathroom, he said now that he knows what the next president is going to inherit, did he think John McCain would want a recount.” Obama aids, insist that was a joke. The two men talked about the economy, foreign affairs, the War in Iraq and why Bush traded Sammy Sosa to the Cubs.

When I told him the mess I was leaving was such a messy mess that even my daddy and the Supreme court couldn’t fix it,” Bush said, “I was shocked out of my surprise when Obama didn’t bat an eye, but started talking about birthplaces. He said would it make any difference if he disclosed that he was born in Nairobi and not Hawaii?” An Obama spokesperson said the president elect was just kidding.

“When I conversated with him about the actual economic numbers and the bottom lines and the wars in Iraq and showed him the email I keep getting from around the world,” Bush said, “Obama started talking about birth again, asking whether he should tell everyone he was really thirty years old and just looked old for his age. I said to him, you want to look old, just wait to you are the president and the notes come due on all them checks I wrote.”

Obama emerged saying that he wasn’t looking to put a cabinet together unless he could fill the post with super heroes.

PALIN PUNK’D BY McCAIN
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – (PTSD News) Now that the election is over, bits and pieces of campaign secrets are starting to see the light of day. The most shocking of these so far, is that Sarah Palin was not supposed to be Senator John McCain’s choice for running mate.

“The Palin phenomenon is actually the result of a practical joke gone haywire,” admitted Rick Davis, former McCain campaign manager. “John was a guest on the Morning Madness radio show on Phoenix’s KZZP, hosted by Fireball Frantic and Gene the Bean. When Frantic asked McCain which political figure was the least qualified to be his running mate, McCain mentioned an obscure governor from who was an ex-beauty queen. Frantic insisted McCain prove he was still young enough to be ‘with it’ and insisted he make that call to Alaska.”

“It was just a joke,” McCain recalls, “but she was so sincere and so excited, I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just kidding. The hardest thing about it,” admits McCain, “was having to tell my real selection, Joe Lieberman that he was, well, not a chosen person when it came to being the veep.”

“I must say that I was a little put off when John told me I wasn’t one of the chosen people,” Lieberman said, “But it just as well. The Republicans took a monumental shellacking at the polls and I am going to have to peel my lips off of George W. Bush’s tucas and start kissing up to the Dems again.”

Governor Palin was unavailable for comment, but a spokesperson said the Governor would address these new allegations that she was part of a practical joke right after she purchases a $150,000 commemorative Remington Rifle and a box of shells that in Palin’s own words, “has McCain name all over it”

This new joke revelation comes on the heels of a rather embarrassing prank played on Palin by a couple of Montreal disc jockeys on CKOI radio, when they called, pretending to be President Sarkozy of France.

“Wait until Palin learns about that other joke played on her,” said Reverend Pat Hailey of the First Baptist Church of Juneau, “the one were it wasn’t really St. Peter who sent her that special invite.”

CINDY McCAIN: I WISH I CALLED THE EXORCIST EARLIER
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – (PTSD News) Many political pundits expressed surprise when John McCain seemed to abruptly change his tone and spoke graciously about Barack Obama during his concession speech. But Cindy McCain was not surprised because she had seen to it John McCain would change. Cindy McCain had called a exorcist.

“I had become frightened at how John was behaving so erratically and so mean on the campaign trail,” Cindy McCain said. “At first I thought it was the medication that made him seem so different than when he ran in 2000. Straight talk had turned to hate talk. He kept attacking and smearing his opponent. I was at a loss until I caught him one night kissing a photo of Dick Cheney. I knew what to do. I called Father Grotski, the famous exorcist.”

“Cindy and I finally cornered John the night before the election,” said Father Bernard Grotski, a 59 year-old priest from Detroit, famous for his exorcisms. “John’s face was twisted in hate, but I knew it was not really John,” Grotski said. “That demon spouted hatred toward gays, liberals and screeched that it wanted the troops to stay in Iraq forever. It wanted to get people to fight with it, just to fight and it kept saying it wanted to drill for oil, drill everywhere for oil. It was a tricky exorcism and the entity almost killed me before I got it out of John’s body.” Grotski suffered a broken collar bone, lacerations and had his face peppered with a shotgun that was fired, according to the priest by McCain when he was still possessed.

“If I had only realized what was wrong earlier,” Cindy McCain said. “I would have called the good Father earlier and we could have had the old John back on the campaign, instead of that horrible demon who was so crazy and hateful and more importantly, we wouldn’t have had that demon pick Sarah Palin as the running mate.”

THE HONEYMOON IS OVER; GOP CALLS FOR IMPEACHMENT OF OBAMA
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Just hours after an impressive win by Barack Obama over John McCain, Republican leaders are calling for the impeachment of the President Elect. “Obama has lied to the American public about change. Everything was change. Do you see any change?” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “I don’t see any change.”

“Obama told the American people repeatedly that he was going to change things,” said House minority leader John Boehner of Ohio, “this has turned out to be a lie. Anyone who stands in front of the American people and lies like that should be removed from office. How can we explain to our children the audacity of lying coming from this man.”

“Obama’s lying is the cruelest act in American political history,” said Clifton W. Grotz, of the Heritage Foundation. “instead of fixing the economy like he promised, an economy that has languished for the past eight years due to Bill Clinton, Obama is running off to do celebrity things like picking a cabinet. “In fact,” Grotz said, “by now Obama should have rebuilt New Orleans and rebuilt the Constitution.”

“We have to hold Obama’s feet to the fire,” said Sean Hannity of Fox News, “and the only way to do that is to start the impeachment process. And another thing the American people need to know is why Obama sat next to Sam Perkins, a known terrorist when they both attended Harvard. Perkins, a Constitutional Law Professor at the University of Virginia, seems to have ended up on the airlines watch list. “I don’t know why the government has listed me as a security risk,” Perkins said. “Maybe it’s because I once owned a Cat Stevens album. I think it was Teaser and the Firecat.

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, who is suffering from painful splinters from pulling a possible impeachment of George W. Bush off the table too quickly, pointed out that impeachment was inappropriate as Senator Obama was not in office yet. “Leave it to the Democrats to cover up and protect their own,” said Karl Rove.

OBAMA VICTORIOUS; NORTH FINALLY WINS CIVIL WAR
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) Senator Barack Obama decisively defeated his Republican opponent to become the first American president of African-American descent. “To put this historic event in perspective,” said historian Lowell Baxter of Yale University, “you must look to President Lincoln’s own words. In an obscure passage he wrote, ‘freeing the slaves does not free America. This great nation will be free not when a person born in a log cabin can become president, but when a person born black in a log cabin can become president.’ The North,” said Baxter, “has prevailed. The Civil War is now over, 147 years after it began. Now it's time to bring these great southern states back into the fold.”

“The South put up a good fight,” said Professor Sarah Gonzales of Stanford University. “They won over most of talk radio which has participated in race bating, and immigrant hating. Radical religions of the South threatened to overtake government. Country music is the most popular style in the nation and have your ever heard of a Northern Fried Steak? But somehow, with the election of Barack Obama, the long war is finally over and now its time to heal.”

BUDGET CUTS CAUSE CANCELLATION OF ELECTORAL COLLEGE; INAUGURATION IN DOUBT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – President Bush announced today that “whomever was selected as the winner of the race of president was a mute point because we have run out of the money needed to installicate him. Because of the ruinication of the economy by greedy and corrupt Democrats,” Bush said, “we would be irresponsibly irresponsible to spendicate monies on keeping the doors open to the electoral college, and for the innaugahydation and the innaugahydational ball, so I decided as the decider to stay on as president of the American people.”

“It is true that if the electoral college will not convene to vote for President,” said Constitutional scholar Alan Dershowitz said, “there can be no succession of a new president. The question remains, however, whether the reigning president stays on or the United States is forced to go absolutely rudderless without anyone at the helm. I, like almost all Americans would prefer the latter.”

“Barack Obama’s posse of supporters who follow him shouldn’t have their noses bent too far up their behinds if I stay on as the chief commander,” Bush said. “because I believe in spreading the wealth, too. I take it from the American taxpayer and share it with my friends at Halliburton, AIG and those needy bank presidents and CEO’s.”

McCAIN TELLS SUPPORTERS, “IT’S CLOSE ENOUGH FOR US TO STEAL”
By R J Shulman
CARLISLE, Pennsylvania – (PTSD News) – Senator John McCain told a group of about fifteen loyal supporters in a Long John Silver’s Restaurant that, “In two days, victory is ours, my friends. The latest CNN poll shows Obama ahead by only seven points and our operatives tell me we can steal anything under nine points.”

“I’m voting for McCain because he is a straight shooting maverick who has all them tried and true American values like not being afraid of no gooks or colored people,” said Rudy Bortz a thirty-seven year old out of work handyman from nearby Willits, Pennsylvania. “I call him honest John," said Bortz’ wife Tinnie, “what other candidate would admit that he has to steal the election to win.” Not everyone at the rally was thrilled to see McCain. “I just want to get me a goddam fish platter,” said Sadie Williams, a retired heath care worker, “and the McCain shindig is holding up the line.”

“If it’s this close, it’s in the bag,” said Will Scumsta, a Republican strategist who studied under Carl Rove. “This year we are even more prepared with our ground game. While the silly Democrats are trying to get out the vote, we are busy purging Democratic voters from the roles, pre-programming black boxes that flip votes to McCain, employing all kinds of sophisticated voter intimidation techniques, making sure there is a lack of machines in Democratic precincts and adding a few new tricks that would make Dick Nixon proud.”

“The ace in the hole this year to stop the cry baby sore loser Democrats when they yell foul,” said Karl Rove, “is that we hit them back by saying they cheated with the ACORN voter fraud. Now you and I know that ACORN will not add one phony vote, while we will have removed over three million legitimate voters, but the public will be quieted by the stupid media who will treat both transgressions equally. The issue of a stolen election will be history before Vice President Palin can shoot another caribou.”

BUSH URGES McCAIN TO START GLOBAL CONFLICT, “YOU CAN BE THE WAR CANDIDATE”
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In his weekly radio address, President Bush urged Senator John McCain, who continues to trail in the polls to “start beginning a war somewhere where you can say there are terrorists there. You need to have political capital,” Bush told McCain, “something I learned the hard way when my daddy pulled out of Iraq and got clocked by Clinton in the election. So I urgicate you to invade Iran or Guam.”

Senator McCain who was campaigning in Grand Junction, Colorado told reporters, “I think we are already in Guam, so maybe I should invade Czechoslovakia instead.”

Bush said that McCain is the most experienced candidate to start a war. “While Obama was sitting around without preconditions getting all kumbayah with William Ayers, Reverend Wright and that Colidi guy from Palestine, John McCain was crashing planes for the military. Now would you rather have a President who drops some arugula on our enemy or a man who can drop the whole darn plane on them whether our enemies are in North Korea or Puerto Rico.”

Senator McCain said, “I think we are already in Puerto Rico, but it might be a good to show them all we mean business by invading the Soviet Union. Now don’t think I am going into battle lightly,” McCain concluded, “I know from first hand experience that war is hell, but not as much hell as I’ll get from Sarah Palin if I lose the election, so as with most other issues, I agree with Bush on starting a new war.”