BIG 3 AUTO CEOS ON PRIVATE JET FLAP: AT LEAST WE CANCELLED THE HOOKERS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – The top executives of the big three auto manufactures came to Washington to ask for help for their failing companies and ended up defending themselves against harsh criticism from Congress that they flew in on private jets. “We are well aware of having to cut our spending,” said Richard Wagoner of General Motors, “so we didn’t have the call girls to fly with us.” “In addition,” said Alan Mulally of Ford, “we cut costs by booking the limos without the hot tubs in them.”

“We wanted to tell Congress we needed a little bridge loan to help start our new line of cars America really wants,” said Robert Nardelli of Chrysler. “Leading the way for Chrysler’s resurgence will be the new Plymouth Behemoth, the worlds largest SUV crossover, part off road monster, part muscle car. This baby will get 30 mpg, well really 30 gpm, but gas prices are coming down and Americans want big and bold. Plus, our research shows the public have really missed their Plymouths so we are bring that venerable nameplate back.”

Congress was not amused and sent the three packing back to Michigan. The Democrats demanded the big three come back with viable plans to turn their businesses around. The Republicans were less interested. “Let’s see,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “the auto industry is in Michigan, Indiana and Ohio who voted for Obama, so forgettaboutit.”

President Elect Obama said he wanted to save the auto industry jobs “to keep the workers from getting bitter and turning to guns and bibles.” “What is wrong with guns and bibles and being bitter,” said Sarah Palin, “extremely bitter.” “I think we should fight, fight, fight,” said John McCain, “fight, fight, fight because we have to… what are we fighting for again? Well, doesn’t matter we have to fight, fight, fight.” “Unfortunately, if you will” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “the US auto industry is in its final throes.”

“I can’t believe the nerve of those failed automobile managers trying to get a hand out from the government,” said AIG chairman Robert Willumstad, “I’ve lost so much on their damn stocks, it could eat into the bonus money I just got from Congress.”