SENATOR STEVENS PLEADS WITH COURT: DON’T SEND ME TO JAIL, THEY WILL TURN ME MUSLIM
By R J Shulman
ANCHORAGE, Alaska – With his re-election bid still up in the air, Senator Ted Stevens is concerned about something else, his pending jail sentence. “What I am most afraid of about prison,” said the 84 year old, who was convicted of concealing improper gifts, “is going in a Christian and coming out a Muslim.” Stevens told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, that “in jail, they are going to recruit me to their side by playing Peace Train over and over again until I join the Stevens Gang, you know Ted and Cat, praying up a storm to Allah.”

Senator Stevens is not expressing an idle fear. The latest study by the Garland Institute of Bethesda, Maryland shows that over 34% of those sent to prison are converted to Islam. “This number has been increasing steadily, and at this rate and with America having the largest prison population in the world, well, you do the math,” said Edward Satterfield, senior analyst at Garland. “With the war on Christmas and outlawing God in full swing, we are in deep trouble,” said Christopher Hammond of the Jesus in Jail project, “if they outlaw Jesus, only outlaws with have Jesus, or was that guns?”

Of deeper concern to the Bush Administration is that President Bush makes sure gets his pardons in place. “He better be checking his list and checking it twice,” said Scooter Libby, former chief of staff for Vice President Dick Cheney, “otherwise his whole damn administration may soon end up in the pokey all turned toward Mecca.”