SLIDE RULE COMPANY ASKS FOR GOVERNMENT BAILOUT
By R J Shulman
DEFIANCE, Ohio – (PTSD News) – The Tilden Slide Rule Company has asked to be part of the ever growing government bailout of failing businesses. “It will be a national disaster if our company slides past the point of no return,” said Tilden president Pembroke Westley. “Millions of great minds depend on our products which helped win the cold war.” Westley recommended a stiff tariff on foreign made calculators. “We have to save these skilled American slide rule manufacturing jobs as we can’t compete with the cheap labor of China and Malaysia.”

The Tilden request comes on the heels of one from Smith-Corona to keep its typewriter business afloat. This is in addition to the pleas from General Motors, Ford and Chrysler.

“The federal government should bail me out, and I mean bail literally,” said Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska who is facing a stiff prison sentence. “If I am in jail, how will the market of illegally fixing up politician’s houses survive?” Benny Rodriguez of Stamford, Connecticut believes that the government should bail out his gambling debts. “When I lost all that money at Foxwoods,” Rodriguez says, “it was my money. I wasn’t reckless with other people’s funds as were those Wall Street speculators that got bailed out.”

“Don’t you think the government should have bailed out New Orleans before AIG?,” said Monty Robicheaux, of Slidell, Louisiana. “We need a bailout down here, literally. My basement is still flooded.”

In light of the deepening crisis, President Bush has announced his new three point plan to shore up these ailing business. “The three points to my three point plan are first you have to shop,” said Bush,’ “the second point is to shop and thirdly, you should shop, you know shopicate ‘till you dropicate, just like I told everyone to do after 9-11.”

Governor Palin addressed the issue on Larry King Live when she told Larry, “By golly, Charlie, we should get Joe the Plumber to bail us out once he gets his plumbing license and legally changes his name to Joe.” Senator John McCain said, “we have to fight, fight, fight. Even if the bailout takes one hundred years.” President Elect Obama urged Americans to “Stay calm. This is not time for you to panic. It is time for me to panic. I can’t believe what the arugula I got myself into.”

Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters from a secure line from one of his bunkers, “I believe, if you will, that the economy is in it final throes.”