LIMBAUGH: MY STIMULUS PLAN – EAT THE POOR
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – “I must admit that cutting taxes on the rich to shift the burden to the shiftless poor is not working fast enough,” Limbaugh said on his syndicated radio show last Friday, “The poor are so entrenched in staying poor that the only way to lift them out of poverty is to lift them with a fork from your plate to your lips. So, my friends, my advice is for you to find someone poorer than you and eat them.”

Limbaugh boasted that his plan was pure genius as it would bring down the poverty level while at the same time shrink the welfare rolls. “Just make sure you stay away from white meat,” Limbaugh told his vast audience, “because there is a greater chance they will vote Republican.”

“We agree with everything Rush said,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told the Post Times Sun Despatch. “And I have just introduced a bill that would give tax breaks to the most cannibalistic 1%.” “I really stand behind Mr. Limbaugh’s thoughtful plan,” said televangelist Pat Robertson, “as it says in Leviticus 24:12, “and Jesus said, ‘let’s treat the poor,’ which we all know means to have the poor as a treat, to eat them, if you will.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner also support’s Limbaugh stimulus package. “Obama mistakenly wants to put these poor people back to work, when he should be putting them between two pieces of bread.” Boehner recommends that Limbaugh’s program should begin in Washington because “there is so much pork in DC.”

“The hidden benefit to my plan is that poor people are the ones breaking all the laws,” Limbaugh said, “so consuming these poor people will surely take a bite out of crime, and most delicious of all, it will put a new twist on the age old question of look who’s coming to dinner.”

GOP ELECTS FIRST AFRICAN AMERICAN CHAIRMAN, “NOW WE HAVE OUR OWN MAGIC NEGRO”
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) – Former Maryland Lt. Governor Michael Steele became the first African American chairman of the Republican National Chairman after a tumultuous voting session today. Steele edged out Katon Dawson, the South Carolina GOP party chairman in the final ballot.

“Why should the Democrats be the only party to have a magic Negro” said former RNC chairman Mike Duncan who dropped out of the race and threw his support to Steele. “Since black people seem to be so in theses days, we didn’t want to be left behind,” said one GOP insider, “especially since most of our voting base have read Left Behind at least twice.”

“The party of Lincoln has returned to the vision of that great man,” said Newt Gingrich. “With Michael as our leader, we will be able to recapture the White House and Congress so we can stop minorities from gaining too much power.”

REPUBLICANS TAKE PAGE FROM NANCY REAGAN: JUST SAY NO TO OBAMA
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Republicans seemed have rallied around the words of the person who seems to be emerging as their new leader, popular talk show host Rush Limbaugh and will do anything to make Obama fail. House Republicans, to a party member voted against the new President’s economic stimulus plan, which passed due to the large Democratic majority in the house. The bill will face some stiff opposition in the Senate.

“Thirty years of Regan’s trickle down theory of taking from the poor to give to the rich is on the line here,” said Ebenezer Clydsdale III, author of From Madoff toLaid-off: Wall Street Bandit As Hero and Why We Need to Smash the Middle Class, “If Obama succeeds, it will put an end to the theory that America is best served if a few rich people govern over the great unwashed.” “Our goal is to make sure this president will not succeed,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner. “We would rather that the United States ceases to be a country or that the planet explodes than to have Barack Hussein Obama look like he is doing a good job.”

“Obama is going to be tough to beat,” said Mitch McConnell, “so we will have to distract his little love fest by introducing distracting legislation that will appeal not only to our base, but to the base instincts of the American voter. Therefore, I will introduce a bill that will ban married gays from performing abortions while confiscating guns all while they are burning American flags and palling around with terrorists.”

BLAGOJEVICH BLITZES TV:THE PARANOID PEOPLE ARE OUT TO GET ME
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – In a massive public relations campaign, embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is taking his case to the people instead of attending his own impeachment trial. “When the Romans falsely accused Jesus of crimes,” said Blagojevich of the Today Show, “did he show up at their kangaroo court? No, he took his message to the people.”

Blagojevich, who has compared himself to Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa and Gandhi, has now settled on his similarities with Jesus Christ. “While I embody the virtues of Gandhi,” he said, “he didn’t have hair as good as me, and Mandela doesn’t have the boyish good looking features as me, and Mother Teresa, well she didn’t have hair as good as me. So it follows without a doubt that I am most like Jesus, if fact I am Jesus.”

“Patrick Fitzgerald and the rest of his treacherous Constitution crashing crew have absolutely no proof that I am not the second coming of Christ,” Blagojevich told Larry King, “now how ironical is it that my enemies want to nail me to the cross again.” The governor has scheduled a dozen more TV appearances and has taken to passing out dozens of bumper stickers with the bold letters “WWBD” which stands for What Would Blagojevich Do?”

Blagojevch told Katie Couric that he has compassion for those that are attacking him. “Forgive them, father,” he said, “for they know not what they do.” ,

OBAMA’S FIRST WEEK REPORT CARD: C-
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – According to pundits and politicos, President Barack Obama earned a grade of C- in his first week as the leader of the free world. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said, “Obama has shown great leadership skills and hit the ground running in his first seven days, but I had to give him a C +, because as a Democrat, people would think I was being partisan if I gave him the A he deserved.”

“I had to give him a D because he didn’t keep his promise to fix the economy and get us out of Iraq by the end of the week,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “I gave him a B+,” said Bill O’Reilly, “because he didn’t say ‘pass me the MF nukes’ which is pretty good for a Negro, which shows that I am not a bigot.” “I gave him a B-,” said Senator Larry Craig, “but I would have given him an A+ is he had just told everyone that I am not gay.”

“I was hoping for better, but all he gets from me is a C-,” said George Will. “He didn’t come up with one of those memorable quotes like, ‘we have nothing to fear, but fear itself,’ or ‘ask not what your country can do for you’ or ‘you’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie.’” Sean Hannity said, “I gave Obama a C and that stands for cult. These liberals have given up critical thinking and agree with everything he says like he is a cult leader, which is unlike conservatives who supported Bush because they knew Bush was right on everything.”

When asked what she thought of Obama’s first week in office, Sarah Palin said, “I don’t know what the president does, so I’ll have to get back to ya.” The lowest grade came from Rush Limbaugh who said, “I want him to fail, so I gave him an F-.”

GOP STATEGY:WE WANT TO BE THE PARTY OF AGING ANGRY WHITE MEN
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – The Republican party announced that its strategy is that it will appeal to angry aging white men who still think the Viet Nam war was a good idea and that the United States could have won it, if it wasn’t for those dope smoking hippies. “This seething mass of hatred and rage that we want to serve is the most motivated voter there is,” said Mitch McConnell, “and we want to tap into this powerful machine.” McConnell stated that his party would therefore move harder to the right. “For example,” McConnell said, “not only will be opposing gay marriage, but we will support a measure that says that anyone who lets their child turn gay, will have their marriage voided.”

This means that the Republicans have officially given up on appealing to other voting demographics. “The chick vote is so unpredictable,” said Ray Boynton of the Republican National Committee, “they change their minds more often that Mitt Romney changed positions and besides, it’s an enigma why these broads think we don’t respect them.” “We are not going after the downtown Willie Brown vote either, if you catch my drift,” said RNC chairman candidate Chip Saltsman, who was most recently in the news for sending fellow Republicans a copy of the song, Barack the Magic Negro, “because this would jeopardize our control of the South and that is now the last area of the country we can really count on.”

“We are not worried about losing the youth vote as that is just a temporary setback for us,” said Republican strategist Grover Norquist, “with the economy trashed, in the foreseeable future, young people will be so busy working three or four jobs to make ends meet, that they won’t have time to vote anyway.” “We feel we can take back the presidency and congress by sticking to the basics - division, exclusion and fear,” said Newt Gingrich on Fox and Friends. “While the Democrat party will be wasting their time construction this ridiculous big tent to include people, we will simply burn the darn thing down. Opposing gay marriage, science, and a living wage will position us well, as we prepare to dive headlong into the new century, the 19th, I believe,” Gingrich said.

BUSH:MY LONG NIGHTMARE IS OVER, I CAN NOW DRINK IN PUBLIC
By R J Shulman
MIDLAND, Texas – (PTSD News) – In an exclusive interview with the Post Times Sun Dispatch, former President George W. Bush said that he is relieved that his term in office has finally ended. “Without the red hot light of the press searchlight on me,” Bush said, “I can really be like that old Sly and the Family Rock song, Thank You For Letting Me Be Me Again. Now I can tap a brew and hoist a keg, if you know what I mean. I can do a few lines and not the ones of the telepromticator which you have to do in public on TV, no, I will do these lines in the privacy of my own room with my own rolled up dollar bill. Now, I can spend the night at Condi’s house and talk about affairs that are not national. And most of all, I don’t have to pretend I care about anything, ‘cause I don’t.

“I don’t have to pretend I am a cowboy, no more neither,” Bush said. “The only thing I hate worse than damn stinky horses is having to clear brush. Cheney said hacking away at the brush would make me look manly. Well, Dick, see if you like whacking brush from your wheelchair and truth about you Dick is that having to be in the same room with you was like torture. Not, like torture, actually was torture. And finally,” Bush said, “I’m getting rid of that red elephant ranch down there in Crawford, faster than Bernie Madoff lost all that money. And I can give the finger to anyone I want. So, America, you give me the lowest rating in history, then I’ve got this big bird for you, heh-heh. So I want you to know that you guys at the Post Times Sun Dispatch get the last interview with me as now I am going to AWOL it, you know, I'm going to make like a tree and split, make like a banana and leave, heh-heh.”

The Post Times Sun Dispatch will print the entire interview this Sunday.

FEAR FACTOR TO RETURN TO NBC WITH NEW HOST:DICK CHENEY
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - (PTSD News ) – Most notable in the slew of ex-political figures moving into the entertainment business is Dick Cheney who will be the new host for NBC-TV’s Fear Factor. “We are thrilled to have Dick host this show,” said Andrew Goldstein of ABC-TV, “the stuff he will force or rather ask contestants to do would scare the pants off a Philadelphia lawyer.” “I am pleased, well as pleased as possible for me,” Cheney said, “that I will get to use my instruments of enhanced interrogation that would otherwise go to waste now that President Obama has foolishly closed down Guantanamo.”

Cheney’s new endeavor follows the announcement that embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s will appear on the new Law and Order:White Collar Crime Unit and Senator Larry Craig announcement that he will be hosting Americas Next Great Not Gay Hairdresser reality show. While Cindy McCain turned down dancing with the stars and Sarah Palin said no to National Geographic’s Russia from My House, expect to see more political figures on the small screen in your livingroom soon. Sources close to disgraced financier Bernie Madoff say he is close to a deal with Fox to star in a show called Scumdog Millionaire.

FOX NEWS: TEN REASONS WHY OBAMA IS NOT REALLY THE PRESIDENT
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – Fox News will be report tomorrow that there are at least ten valid reasons why Barack Obama is not really the President of the United States. “The liberal media was so in love with this guy,” said Bill O’Reilly, who will host the program, “that they missed at least ten facts that disqualify Obama from being president. “We will present the facts and then you can decide which reason is the best one to use to remove Obama from the White House,” O’Reilly said.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that Fox News will claim that Obama cannot be president because:
1. He does not have a valid birth certificate. Fox will say that not only do they not know where he was born, but they don’t even know if he was born.
2. Americans may be ready for a black president, but the liberal media hid the fact that Obama is the first half-white president and American is not ready for that.
3. Obama did not take the oath of office on time, which negates the oath.
4. Obama tripped up on the oath of office which disqualifies him
5. Obama wants to take your guns and your daughters and make you eat arugula and that violates the Constitution.
6. Obama did not wear a flag pin at the inauguration.
7. Obama does not have an American sounding name so no one will know what country he is president of when his name is spoken.
8. Dick Cheney said he shouldn’t be president and you don’t want to disagree with a dangerous man in a wheelchair
9. When Obama speaks, he makes sense which will be too confusing to Americans who expect their president to sound dumber than they do.
10. Palling around with terrorists made Obama an enemy combatant and not eligible to be president.

OBAMA INAUGURATED: CONSERVATIVE TALK SHOW HOSTS SECEDE FROM THE UNION
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – In his inaugural address, President Obama called for all Americans to come together, take responsibility, and pitch in to restore the luster to the American dream. Millions of Americans and people around the world cheered as Obama took the oath of office and addressed the huge crowd, but this message of unity fell on a few deaf ears, namely conservative talk show hosts.

“I don’t care how much magic this Negro has,” said Rush Limbaugh, “it’s just not the proper order of things for him to be president.” Limbaugh’s words were echoed by dozens of other popular right wing talkers. “Barack Hussein Hussein Hussein Obama is the worst president ever,” said Bill O’Reilley, “and did I mention that his middle name is Hussein?” “He is not my president,” said Sean Hannity, “Sarah Palin is my president and she would be in the White House right now if the liberal media conspiracy had not succeeded in making her look uniformed and totally unprepared to be elected. The nerve of that communist Katie Couric for asking her what magazines she reads just to make her look bad. You didn’t see Couric ask Obama what magazines he reads.”

“I can no longer be part of this nation, now that we have a Muslim president with a bad Christian preacher, both of whom are illegal aliens who snuck across the border from Mexico to bring their diseased corrupted foreign ideas into America,” said Michael Savage. “Americans better wake up,” said Glenn Beck, “this Obama is an imposter is in the White House, a fake president who is responsible for killing Vince Foster, the assassination of JFK and the death of America itself. So, I am seceding from the United States and forming the CSA, the Conservative States of America.” “I can no longer live in a nation where the president has caused the economy to fail, and has stuck us in two useless wars,” said Neil Bortz. “And if Obama can cause so much havoc in just minutes in office, image the damage he will do in four years.”

“It is not surprising that conservative talkers have separated from the United States,” said Dr. Miles Cohan, a psychologist from Columbia University. “Their constant attacks against Obama during the election campaign utterly failed and they are angry that they have lost their perceived birthright as white men to dominate women and minorities. They are also furious over the small size of their penises.”

When asked if he would fight to keep the conservative talkers as part of the Union, President Obama said, “They have been in a world of their own for some time now, and unfortunately there may be nothing that can be done.”

CHENEY INJURES BACK WHEN HE SLIPS ON WATERBOARD
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Vice President Dick Cheney injured his back while moving today and will be in a wheelchair for the inauguration tomorrow. “He picked up a box and was moving it when he accidentally stepped on a waterboard that wasn’t packed yet. “We underestimated how long it would take to pack up all of the gear that was used in Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib and his own private chamber,” said Walter Hutchinson, a Cheney spokesman.

Cheney’s doctors recommended that he stay in a wheelchair for at least a week. Cheney said he wasn’t going to be upset about his injury because, “I get to emulate one of my heroes, Doctor Strangelove and two, they have fitted my wheelchair with machine guns and a rocket launcher.”

BUSH: I PROTECTED AMERICANS FROM BEING ATTACKED BY EVERYONE BUT ME
By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – On his last day in office, President Bush told reporters that he can rest easy now that he had achieved his goal to make America safe. “I have protecticated the American people, and I made sure that since 9-11, the twin towers were not attacked again. And since 9-11, I made sure that we were not attacked by those that want to destroy our Constitution…wait, Alberto Gonzales let that attack. Well, at least we didn’t get attacked by flying monkeys, wait… Dick Cheney led that attack. Well, at least we kept our spies safe from being discovered by the enemy, wait... Dick Cheney led that attack, too. Well, at least we didn’t get attacked by a wild pack of dinosaurs trying suck out our life blood, wait, my friends in the oil industry let that attack. Well at least we didn’t get attacked by greedy Wall Street criminal monsters who wanted to destroy America’s economy, wait… that attack was led by all my deregulation Well, at least we didn’t get attacked by incomepetence… who am I kidding… all I got to say is mission accomplished, heh, heh, heh heh."

CHENEY’S ONE REGRET:I SHOULD HAVE TRIED CANNIBALISM
By R J Shuman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – In a candid interview with Fox’s Sean Hannity, outgoing Vice President Dick Cheney said that overall, his eight years in office were quite fulfilling. “I got to invade and decimate helpless countries, oversee torturing prisoners to death, funneled funds to Halliburton on no bid contracts, spied on citizens and outed spies, watched a whole city drown and witnessed millions thrown out of their homes. But I do have one regret,” Cheney said, “and that is that I didn’t eat anyone.”

When asked by Hannity who would be at the top of his menu, Cheney said, “Michael Moore looks pretty juicy.” But Chaney backtracked a bit. “If it is true that you are what you eat, I would have to choose more conservatively, and maybe look for someone with a little less gristle, perhaps Sarah Palin.”

When a viewer called in and asked the vice president if killing and eating another human wasn’t the most barbaric thing you could do, Cheney replied, “So?” Cheney then told Hannity, “They say you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. What could be closer than having your enemies inside your gut?”

“Actually, I think Cheney got his wish,” said another caller from Nevada, “because America has been eating its young for some time now.”

BUSH FINALLY ADMITS ECONOMY IS BAD:HECK, EVEN I’M LOSINING MY JOB
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – In his farewell speech tonight, President Bush acknowledged that “everything wasn’t as rosy colored glasses as I thought.” He said he was surprised to learn that Senator John McCain may have “mispoked when he said the economy was basically sounding good. I can now feel the pain of the people who line up in the unemployment line as I am being laid off next week. It’s and old saying and its true,” Bush said, “you don’t know what it’s like behind someone else’s eyes until you talked a mile in their shoes.”

Even thought he admitted that “problems may have happened while I was president, and you may not agree with all the wrong decision’s I made, but you have to agree that I was willing to make those wrong decisions.” He spoke from the East Room of the White House just 112 hours before he leaves office. He acknowledged that the inauguration of Barack Obama will be a historic moment of hope as it shows the promise of this country, that anyone can grow up to be president, “even someone who is smart and whose daddy wasn’t a president first.”

MICHAEL VICK OFFERS TO FIND DOG FOR OBAMAS
By R J Shulman
LEAVENWORTH, Kansas - (PTSD News) – With uncharacteristic indecision, President Elect Barack Obama cannot seem to choose which doggie in the window he wants to take home to his family. However, help may be on the way from a very unexpected source. Former Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick has offered his expertise on man’s best friend to assist the new First Family find the perfect pet.

“I look for two things in a dog and only two things,” Vick said, “can it bite and can it fight. Now when you be leading a team whether it’s a steroid pumped posse or the free world, you can’t be shy, and you don’t want no dog who will be walking with its tail between its legs. I mean, what kind of signal would that send to the enemy terrorists?

While Vick has not said what dog he favors for the Obamas, he has ruled out Bichon Frises or any other dogs “with faggy French names.” Michael Vick had received a 23 month sentence for his involvement in illegal dog fighting.

MADOFF TAPPED TO WRITE BUSH LEGACY
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – President George W. Bush has asked investor Bernard Madoff to help write his biography. “My daddy always said, ‘Junior you must always put your best foot in your mouth forward,’” said Bush, “and what better guy to have on my side to convincicate the American people that I was pretty good at being a great president than the guy who convinicated all those people that his investments were good bet to place your money and not part of a big fat Fonzi scheme, so that’s why I decided to ask Bernie to write my autobiography.”

“This is really a win-win situation,” said Wilton Margolis,” a Bush spokesperson, “Bush needs an extreme make-over and Madoff will soon have a lot of time on his hands.” These two are like peas in a pod,” said Michael Stephenson, a history professor at Yale, “Bush began with a record surplus, Madoff had record investments and they both leave with huge deficits and debts.” “There is no better person than Bernie to shine up a pile of poop,” said Henry Brill, an out of work Wall Street investment manager, “he will make Bush look like an FDR or Lincoln and you can bet your bottom dollar on Bernie. I certainly did.”

The parties have not disclosed how much money Madoff will receive for his efforts, but President Bush said it didn’t matter as the payment was coming from the bailout money already approved by Congress.

SENATE TO SEAT BURRIS, BUT SAY HE MUST SIT IN BACK OF CONGRESS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – After a lengthy struggle, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has finally agreed to allow Roland Burris to be seated as the Illinois junior senator as long as he sits in the back of the Senate Chamber. “This is an outrage,” said Jesse Jackson, “first they didn’t choose my son and now they want a black man to sit in the back.” Reid insisted the seating arrangement was not racist. “Mr. Burris in not being seated in the rear because of his color, but the color of his appointment, which is tainted by the man who appointed him, Governor Rod Blagojevich.”

Burris said he will not give up his front row seat when he enters Congress tomorrow. “I have been legitimately chosen for this position,” Burris said, “and I will take my rightful seat even I have to become the Rosa Parks of the Senate.” “At least he gets a seat,” said Al Franken the apparent winner of the hotly contested Minnesota senate race. Franken has been denied his seat due to a challenge by Republican loser Norm Coleman.

“I am still prepared to buy my way back into the Senate,” said former Senator Ted Stevens who was hoping the Burris appointment would be denied. “I have all this money I saved when I got my house remodeled that I would be glad to give to Governor Blagojevich to get that senate seat. We need integrity brought back to Congress and I am just the one to do it.”

BUSH WON’T LEAVE WHITE HOUSE, VOWS TO KEEP HIS HOME
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – President Bush, who was scheduled to vacate the White House next week to make way for the new tenant, Barack Obama, surprised everyone by using his last weekly presidential address to announce he is not leaving. “I aim to be a beacon of symbolisms for them American families who are being foreclosicated out of their homes. Besides, I need to have this place in Washington as the White House has served me well as a vacation home when clearing the brush on my ranch got a little too intense. Also, what kind of a man would I be if I allowed Laura to have her heart broken sick by having to leave behind all of that decoratin’ that she decorated,” Bush said, “So, you will have to get the sheriff to smoke us out dead or alive, so all I can say, Mr. Sheriff, is ‘bring it on.’”

President elect Obama was surprised by the announcement that Bush will be a hold-over tenant and favors a peaceful solution to the crisis. “I plan to talk to the enemy as you have to keep all channels open rather than just go in guns blazing, but if an invasion proves to be necessary, I am ready for such action.” President Bush’s refusal to peacefully leave his home comes in the wake of embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s refusal to leave that state's Governor’s mansion without “fight, fight fighting, until my last breath.”

The Mortgage Brokers Association has express alarm at these turn of events. “We can’t just have people thinking they are above the law,” said Clarence Blair, MBA president, “if we don’t stop this utter disrespect for our principles and values, the next thing you know they’ll torture people and say it's OK.”

CBS-TV is reporting it has obtained the rights to The Battle for the White House to run Tuesday nights against ABC-TV’s “Bribe-o-vech – the Rise and Fall of a Governor.”

LACK OF INTELLIGENCE SINKS BUSH ADMINISTRATION
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Eight years ago when George W. Bush took the oath of office, there were high hopes. There was peace, the economy was robust and there was the greatest budget surplus in US history. The new president promised to be a uniter, not a divider and was the kind of guy you could have a beer with. However, the problem with those with whom you might share a brew is that, frankly some of them are just not too bright.

Eight years later, the US is entangled in two costly and pointless wars, the economy is dropping faster than a Brandon Webb sinkerball, and the deficit is of such a mammoth size, that our grandchildren’s grandchildren will wish it was just an albatross hanging from their necks rather than their crushing debt.

How could all these terrible events occur so quickly? “This was clearly an intelligence problem,” said Randy Vorhees of the Sterling Foundation, “there was a reliance on faulty intelligence that got the US embroiled in a disastrous adventure in Iraq and even worse, a devastating mistake of relying on the intelligence of the president. “Compared to W, Forrest Gump is Einstein,” said a White House staffer who wished to remain anonymous.

“I should have been more smarter to be a decider,” Bush admitted, “but all is not lost because in the last eight years I finally got to learnicate answers to some of the most important questions of all time and I can say that yes, a tree is catholic, the pope does sh*t in the woods, and a bear does make a sound when it falls in the forest when no one is there.”

President Elect Obama has pledged that intelligence will be a priority in his administration. “The first order of business has already been accomplished,” said an Obama spokesman, “and that is to make sure we have a chief executive who an talk in complete sentences.”

JAMIE KENNEDY TO SEEK NY SENATE POST: I’M TRADING ON KENNEDY NAME
By R J Shulman
PEEKSKILL, New York (PTSD News) – Comedian/Actor Jamie Kennedy launched his bid for the vacant New York Senate seat today from the HaHa House, a comedy club in this small upstate community. “Why should Caroline be the only one to cash in on the political magic of the Kennedy name,” he said, “so I am throwing my hat in the ringer.”

Kennedy has appeared in a number of movies but is best known for his WB television show, The Jamie Kennedy Experiment which combined a hidden camera and a comedy sketch to trap an unsuspecting person in bizarre and uncomfortable positions. When the mark looked like they’d reached the end of their rope, Jamie would pop out and yell, “you’ve been X’ed!”

“The Senate has been so lame and stuck on their own self importance,” Kennedy said, “and I know Sarah Palin said it first, but if chosen, I am going to Washington to shake things up. I’ll scare the pants off Congress with talk of terrorists, then I’ll sponsor a bill that strips away Constitutional rights and see if I can get them to vote for it… wait, they did that already. OK, so I will get Congress so distracted with talk of the failing economy than I’ll get them to vote to grant a pass to liars, war criminals, thieves and murderers, you know the Bush administration…wait, they are already working on that. How about this one – I’ll electrify the senator’s chairs from Minnesota and Illinois and shock anyone who tries to sit in them.”

FRANKEN SOFTENS ANTI-TORTURE STANCE: IT’S OK IF ITS BILL O’REILLY
By R J Shulman
MINNEAPOLIS – (PTSD News) – Apparent Minnesota Senator-elect Al Franken said today that he has changed his mind about the legitimacy of the use of torture. “Generally, I’m against it because it is barbaric and thoroughly un-American,” Franken told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “but if the person being tortured is Bill O’Reilly, I’m all for it.”

The issue of the treatment of Bill O’Reilly first came to light when O’Reilly said on Fox News that “the thought of saying the words, ‘Senator Franken’ is pure torture.” Several of O’Reilly’s co-workers said that they heard “un-godly screams” coming from O’Reilly’s locked office. “When I first told Bill that Franken was going to be declared the winner,” said Wanda Feeley, an associate at Fox News, “he let out with such a blood-curdling scream that I thought someone had attached electrodes to his nether parts.”

“The shrieks I heard coming from Mr. O’Reilly,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, who had just finished an interview on Fox and Friends, “where the kind I’ve only heard from someone we were waterboarding, specifically, the ones who didn’t quite make it.”

“Turn around is fair play,” Franken said, “as O’Reilly’s drivel has tortured us for years.”

WITH MIDDLE EAST IN TURMOIL BUSH COMPLETES QUEST TO BE WORST PRESIDENT EVER
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – President Bush told reporters that he finally completed his last piece of unfinished business with the outbreak of violence in Gaza. The president took credit for the latest surge of fighting in the Middle East, saying he personally told Israel that it would be a good idea to “shock and awe” Hamas by a full-scale attack on the Gaza strip.

“There is no doubtification in my mind,” Bush said, “that I am now the worstest president ever. Yup, I’m number one. See, I didn’t want to be one of those presidents that school kids forget like Martin Van Bureaucrat or Millard Filibuster. And since I couldn’t compete with the great presidents like Washington, Lincoln and Petraeus, I would have to be best at being bad.”

Bush touted his accomplishments of turning the biggest surplus into the biggest deficit, a massive loss of jobs, leading the country into two pointless and costly wars, sinking the economy, making a pathetic response to natural disasters, trashing the Constitution, shredding the Bill of Rights, elevating torture to the status of an American value, and causing an unprecedented loss of American esteem around the world. “I especially liked saying ‘mission accomplished’ all dressed up as a top gun fighter pilot,” Bush said. “But my favorite was looking at the mess in New Orleans and telling Brownie that he was doing a heck of a job.”

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid agreed saying last Sunday on Meet the Press, “I really do believe President Bush is the worst president we’ve ever had.”

“What the American people must understand,” Bush concluded, “is that you can’t mess up this bad by accident. It takes hard, hard work and a consecrated effort to achievicate what I have achievicated in total worseness.”

AFRAID THEY WILL LOOK TAINTED DUE TO BLAGOJEVICH’S APPOINTMENT OF BURRIS, DEMS REFUSE TO SEAT THEMSELVES
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said today that Democrats will not allow themselves to be seated in the Senate due to the appointment of former Illinois Attorney General Roland Burris to the forer Senate seat of President Elect Obama by embattled Governor Rod Blagojevich. “There is a good chance the Supreme Court would allow Burris seated, and we can’t have that,” said Reid, “so the Democrats, in the name of integrity will not seat themselves in the Senate.”

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said David Vitters R-La who was recently engulfed in a call girl scandal, “so I guess that means the Republicans will have complete control of the Senate.” “What is most important now,” said Larry Craig, R-Id, "is that all of us in the Senate come together and unite in one chorus saying, ‘Larry Craig is not gay.’”

“Integrity is more important than making laws, protecting the American people or stopping the shredding of the middle class by the Republicans,” said Reid, “so we are staying out. “I guess this means we can continue shredding the middle class,” said new Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell.

SEC ON WHY THEY MISSED MADOFF SCHEME: THERE WAS JUST TOO MUCH PORN TO REVIEW
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – SEC Chairman Christopher Cox defended his agency against accusations that they failed to investigate disgraced investor Bernard Madoff when they had received information that his investments looked suspicious back in 2003. “We run a lean and mean agency to save the taxpayers money,” said Cox, “so our employees were completely overwhelmed with all the internet porn they had to review.” “Just when you think you have explored all the racy sites,” said Jack Norwood, an SEC supervisor, “something like topless saucy cooks from around the word or buns and guns pops up, and then there is just no time to investigate Madoff.”

“The reason we weren’t that concerned if Madoff’s investments exploded,” said Nate Carney of the SEC, “was because he was just too big to fail and we could always use taxpayer money to bail him out.”

Madoff is accused of running the largest Ponzi scheme in history and losing perhaps as much as $50 billion dollars of investors' money. He is currently under house or mansion arrest where he is restricted from calling on new investors. “Do you know how hard this is on me,” Madoff told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “I have a couple of great investment vehicles and can’t call anyone to invest in them.” Even if convicted on all counts, Madoff may never see jail time because the prisons are too full inmates who have stolen a loaf of bread to feed their families.

EXCLUSIVE! POLITICO'S TOP NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
By R J Shulman
SANTA FE, New Mexico – (PTSD News) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained an exclusive list of the private new year's resolutions of political figures and of some popular political commentators. The following is a list of each person’s number one resolution for the year 2009:

1. Barack Obama – Effect change on the White House by fumigating and exorcising all evil spirits from the premises before I put my family in there.
2. John McCain – Figure out just how many houses I own.
3. Sarah Palin – Get that answer to Katic Couric about John McCain’s pro-regulation record.
4. Al Gore – Continue to support the environment and pray there is still an environment at the end of the year.
5. Joe Lieberman – try to figure out what party I am in and who's ass needs to be kissed next – (Oy vey, these lips are getting tired).
6. Dick Cheney – give up torture, lying and stealing… who am I kidding?
7. Scooter Libby – Get that SOB Bush and tear him limb from limb if he doesn’t pardon me.
8. George W Bush – successfully hide from the people I had promised to pardon but didn’t.
9. Rush Limbaugh – To get Barack Obama impeached for ruining the economy and lying us into costly wars and for me to be more creative.
10. Sean Hannity - To get Barack Obama impeached for ruining the economy and lying us into costly wars and for me to be more creative.
11. Matt Drudge - To get Barack Obama impeached for ruining the economy and lying us into costly wars and for me to be more creative.
(note: this exact same resolution appeared on over 150 conservative talk show host's lists – a most amazing coincidence).
12. Bill O’Reilly – kill all the heathen bastards in the name of the Baby Jesus before they can start another war on Christmas.
13. Larry Craig – Convince the world I am not gay, so they will leave me alone long enough so I can enjoy my fabulous collection of Liza Minelli records.
14. Dennis Miller - try and figure out what the hell I am saying.