EXCLUSIVE! POLITICO'S TOP NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
By R J Shulman
SANTA FE, New Mexico – (PTSD News) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained an exclusive list of the private new year's resolutions of political figures and of some popular political commentators. The following is a list of each person’s number one resolution for the year 2009:

1. Barack Obama – Effect change on the White House by fumigating and exorcising all evil spirits from the premises before I put my family in there.
2. John McCain – Figure out just how many houses I own.
3. Sarah Palin – Get that answer to Katic Couric about John McCain’s pro-regulation record.
4. Al Gore – Continue to support the environment and pray there is still an environment at the end of the year.
5. Joe Lieberman – try to figure out what party I am in and who's ass needs to be kissed next – (Oy vey, these lips are getting tired).
6. Dick Cheney – give up torture, lying and stealing… who am I kidding?
7. Scooter Libby – Get that SOB Bush and tear him limb from limb if he doesn’t pardon me.
8. George W Bush – successfully hide from the people I had promised to pardon but didn’t.
9. Rush Limbaugh – To get Barack Obama impeached for ruining the economy and lying us into costly wars and for me to be more creative.
10. Sean Hannity - To get Barack Obama impeached for ruining the economy and lying us into costly wars and for me to be more creative.
11. Matt Drudge - To get Barack Obama impeached for ruining the economy and lying us into costly wars and for me to be more creative.
(note: this exact same resolution appeared on over 150 conservative talk show host's lists – a most amazing coincidence).
12. Bill O’Reilly – kill all the heathen bastards in the name of the Baby Jesus before they can start another war on Christmas.
13. Larry Craig – Convince the world I am not gay, so they will leave me alone long enough so I can enjoy my fabulous collection of Liza Minelli records.
14. Dennis Miller - try and figure out what the hell I am saying.