TOP TEN PTSD STORIES OF 2008
by R J Shulman

SANTA FE, New Mexico (PTSD News) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch, which strives to bring you the news that the corporate media chooses to ignore, announces the ten most important stories of 2009:


1. Tuesday, November 04, 2008
OBAMA VICTORIOUS; NORTH FINALLY WINS CIVIL WAR
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) Senator Barack Obama decisively defeated his Republican opponent to become the first American president of African-American descent. “To put this historic event in perspective,” said historian Lowell Baxter of Yale University, “you must look to President Lincoln’s own words. In an obscure passage he wrote, ‘freeing the slaves does not free America. This great nation will be free not when a person born in a log cabin can become president, but when a person born black in a log cabin can become president.’ The North,” said Baxter, “has finally prevailed.”

2. Friday, December 26, 2008
BUSH PROVES TO BE UNITER: JUST ABOUT EVERYONE WANTS HIM GONE
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Making good on his promise to bring people together rather than tear them apart, President Bush has united people in an unprecedented fashion according to a new poll which shows that 76% of Americans and 98% of the rest of the world will be happy to see him leave office. “I always knew I was a unitifyer and not a dividicator,” Bush said upon learning of the new poll results.

3. Thursday, November 13, 2008
PALIN FINALLY GETS HER EX BROTHER-IN-LAW FIRED
JUNEAU, Alaska – (PTSD News) – After a brief hiatus to conduct her campaign for vice president of the United States, Sarah Palin resumed her duties as governor of Alaska. As job one, she completed the task of securing the firing of her ex-brother in law, Mike Wooten. Wooten who was once a state trooper, had been working at Klondike Upholsterers in Anchorage, until last Friday, when he was terminated.

4.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
REP. WESTMORELAND REGARDING HIS “UPPITY” COMMENT ABOUT THE OBMAMAS: “THOSE PEOPLE SURE ARE SENSITIVE”
ATLANTA – (PTSD News) - Representative Lynn Westmoreland (R-GA), who made quite a stir when he called Barack and Michelle Obama “uppity,” defended himself today. “I had no idea,” said the two term congressman from Sharpsburg, Georgia, “that ‘uppity’ would offend darkies. What? Darkies is offensive? The next thing you know, some Jewboy lawyer will try and sue me over it. What? Jewboy is offensive? I just cant believe it. Those PC people are taking away our best language.”

5.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
INVESTMENT BANK CEO’S TO BUY AUTO CEO’S PRIVATE JETS
DETROIT – (PTSD News) – The three big automakers announced that they have sold their executive private jets to Wall Street investment bankers. “After the massive negative reaction we got when we flew our corporate jets on our first trip to Washington, we realized we could never use them again,” said Richard Wagoner of General Motors. “They were useless to us, and we had to take a great loss on them” said Alan Mulally of Ford, “but we got some money and the jets were the only transportation vehicles that Ford was able to sell this month.”

6.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
McCAIN ON GAY MARRIAGE: I BELIEVE MARRIAGE SHOULD ONLY BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A RICH WOMAN
FLORENCE, Ala. ( PTSD News) – Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican candidate for President set forth his position on gay marriage today. “In order to keep the institution of marriage viable,” McCain told a rally at the Florence First Baptist Church of the Flaming Cross, “it should only be between a man and a rich woman.” He stated he would support a Constitutional Amendment that would ban same sex marriages.

7.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
BUSH’S NEW STIMULUS PACKAGE: BRING BACK SLAVERY
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) - President George W. Bush announced a sweeping economic stimulus package to bring the United States back from it’s current woeful economic state by reinstating slavery. “The only way to competicate with all that cheap low-cost inexpensive labor in China is to have even more cheaper labor, and that cheaper labor is slavery.” “Forclosin’ back the land is too slow,” Bush continued, “so I can more immedicate the situation by un-proclomating the emancipation proclamation.”

8.
Monday, February 25, 2008
CHENEY GOES TO HELL
HELL, Michigan – (PTSD News) - Vice President Dick Cheney made a rare trip to the Midwest when he visited Hell, Michigan today. Hell, a tiny town, population 266, located approximately 20 miles northwest of Ann Arbor, welcomed the Vice President with open arms. “We wanted him to feel right at home,” said Mayor George Devlin.

9.
Friday, January 11, 2008
WITH CAMPAIGN FUNDS RUNNING LOW, GIULIANI CALLS 911
BOCA RATON, Florida – (PTSD News) - When Rudy Giuliani discovered that he was low on funds for his Presidential campaign, he first asked his staff to work without pay and then called 911. “He looked at the polls and the money that Mitt Romeny had,” said an unnamed staffer, “and then started screaming ‘911, 911, why the hell can’t I get help from 911?’”

10.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
POLICE SEARCH FOR THIEF WHO STOLE RIFLE FROM CHARLETON HESTON’S COLD DEAD HANDS
BEVERLY HILLS, California – (PTSD News) - Police are searching for the person who removed Charlton Heston’s prized rifle from his body moments after his death. “We walked out of his bedroom for just a moment,” said family spokesman Bill Powers, “and when we returned, some fiend had pried the Remington 30-06 from his hands.” Charlton Heston, an actor who seemed larger than life, is known for his heroic roles in movies of the 50’s and 60’s, and of course for his stand on the rights of gun owners.