BILL O’REILLY: ENEMY COMBATANTS COULDN’T STOP CHRISTMAS
By R J Shulman
BETHLEHEM, Pennsylvania – (PTSD News) – General Bill O’Reilly, chief commander of the forces to save Christmas, stood in the central square of this Pennsylvania town known as Christmas City to announce victory over the forces who had declared war on Christmas. “We have lost a few good men,” O’Reilly told the small crowd who had traveled from near and far to be in Bethlehem on Christmas Eve, “such as Mervyn’s and Linens and Things, although the latter was a bit of a sissy as they waved the white sheet like they were French or something. And we can all recall how difficult it was to hear how the Baby Jesus wept when we lost KB Toys. But in the end, the Xmas spirit prevailed.”

“This was a hard fought battle, my friends,” said evangelist Pat Robertson. “We even had to weather the severe storms caused by all those gay people who angered our Lord by trying to get married. We owe a debt of gratitude to General O’Reilly, who surged to victory like General Petraeus Iraq, by surging us to a yuletide victory with his slogan, ‘onward, Christian Shopper.’” Pastor Rich Warren agreed, saying, “If it wasn’t for Bill O’Reilly, Santa Clause would be saying ‘ho, ho, ho. Happy Chanukah.’”

President Bush, who was dressed as a Christmas elf when he lit the White House Christmas tree said, “With the Christmas mission accomplished, I can go into retirecation very happy knowing that our children will not be forced to say Happy Quonset Hut or whatever that holiday is called.”

“I am glad we were able to hold the line at Christmas,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “Because the next thing you know, if they had defeated Christmas, these people would declare war on other holidays such as Easter, Mother’s Day and God help us, National Secretary Day.”