INVADING IRAN:TWO WRONGS MAKE A RIGHT WING
By R J Shulman
SANTA MONICA, California – A new study by the Rand Institute shows that the reasons many Republicans support a US invasion of Iran is that they believe that two wrongs make a right. “They are not unaware the invasion of Iraq was a monumental blunder. Quite the contrary, as only a mentally challenged person would think otherwise,” said Arthur Josserand a senior researcher, “what these conservatives believe is that a second similar mistake absolves them of the first.” Josserand said, “This is the same reason why after realizing Bush was an incompetent fool, they voted for him again in 2004.”

The report cites among other findings, that Bush deliberately repeated Reagan’s disastrous “trickle down” theory of giving huge financial breaks to the ultra wealthy in hopes it would benefit the middle class. “In their minds, the second mistake made everything OK,” the report said.

“Of course, this report is right,” said CNN’s Glenn Beck, “everybody knows if you make three hard lefts, it becomes a right and so it follows that two wrongs also make a right.”

“I prescribe to that theory of wrongs making rights,” said President Bush. “Because the wronger I get, the righter I am and that means after all that I’ve done in my life, I am now the rightest person in the whole wide planet.”

“The good news about all the death and carnage I have caused,” said Dick Cheney, “Is that I get to do it all over again.”

McCAIN:IF PRESIDENT, I’LL SHRINK GOVT, JUST NOT MY JOB
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – Senator John McCain jumped on a familiar GOP talking point when he said, “if elected President, I’ll shrink the Government, only not my job or any other Republican position. As you know, Ronald Regan, I feel so good when I can quote God, said the eleventh commandment is not to talk ill of a fellow Republican or take away a Republican job or Republican government handout. To make government smaller I will cut benefits to the poor, education for the poor, health care for the poor, but will not leave them with nothing as we will continue to give them, free of charge, our scorn.”

“McCain is talking straight stuff,” said President Bush, “as there is an old saying in Texas or is it Tennessee, that fool me once, no, I mean fool me twice, wait, I got it, the saying is I’m a fool twice over.”

“Thanks to the fair and balanced media, Americans will soon know how much sense it makes,” said Karl Rove, “that people who hate the Government and pledge to destroy it should be the ones elected to run it.”

DUE TO QUESTIONABLE OBAMA PREACHER ATTORNEY GENERAL TO BEGIN “AMERICAN INQUISITION”
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In light of the shocking revelations by former Obama minister Jerimiah Wright, Attorney General Michael Mukasey has announced the formation of a new program to protect America. The program will be called the American Inquisition and is designed to purge the unfaithful from the flock, according to Mukasey. “With the Islamofacists at our door and phony Christians already among us,” Mukasey said, “this program should be able to detect the true believers. With our carefully selected lists of potential terrorists we got from our legal spying, we will start with a procedure called ‘the Edicts of Grace’ where we will ask, lets say for example, Jeremiah Wright to voluntarily come forward and confess fully and freely any of his heresy. And if he should refuse,” Mukasey continued, “we have a program in place to persuade him to confess more fully and freely.”

“We feel some Americans have falsely converticated to Americanism, wearing bibles and thumping jeans,” said President Bush, “go we need to go on this crusade to separate the meat from the chaff.” “For those that are worried about the budget,” said Hank Torquemada, a senior Bush financial advisor, “we already have the equipment needed for this operation.”

“This will be a good direction for our efforts,” said Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff, “so we will direct our employees away from the time wasting duties such as trying to secure the boarders and checking out foreign cargo to go after these dangerous heretics.”

Senator John McCain has given his full support to the program. “This should help John with the Hispanic vote,” said William Rowe, a McCain campaign spokesman, “John understands how to be sensitive to the Latino culture and heritage and since the American Inquisition is directly based upon the Spanish Inquisition, his support for this new program clearly shows his support for Hispanics.”

Mukasey has tapped Vice President Dick Cheney to head up the committee to oversee the American Inquisition. “I can say, if you will,” the Vice President said from deep inside a chamber of an underground bunker, “that Barak Obama’s ridiculous claim he is a Christian and not a Muslim is in its final throes.”

“PREACHERGATE” DEEPENS AS PROOF SURFACES OF SECOND OBAMA MINISTER’S OFFENSIVE REMARK
by R J Shulman
CHICAGO – The controversy regarding comments made by Pastors connected to Barak Obama has worsened upon the discovery of another preacher’s questionable remarks. Reverend Zechariah Washington, Jr., whose regular congregation is the 57th Street Zion AME Baptist Church, and who once delivered a sermon at Barak Obama’s church when Reverend Wright was ill, said, “forgive me Lord, but sometimes it’s so damn hard to believe in you.”

“That was Reverend Washington alright,” said Reggie Holmes, a member of Washington’s congregation, “but he be saying that on the day his wife and kids were hit by a truck, right after he find out his mamma got cancer and then his house burned down.”

The audio tape of Reverend Washington has been airing constantly on Fox News, only interrupted by a repeat of Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s now famous comments about America. When Jeremiah Wright heard that Fox was playing Reverend Washington’s comments over and over again, he said, “God damn Fox News.”

Barak Obama said he had never met Reverend Washington, but that it was not unknown for a religious person to have a crisis of faith, especially if you live on the South Side of Chicago.

“Preachergate has reached such a crisis level,” said Attorney General Michael Mukasey, “that I have ordered all Justice Department personnel to drop investigating possible violations of the Constitution and the Geneva Convention by the Bush Administration to focus on getting to the bottom of Obama’s wayward preachers.

“I don’t want to comment on what Senator Obama should have done,” said Hillary Clinton, “but I wouldn’t stand for a preacher who suffers from a loss of faith.” “It so unacceptable,” said Sean Hannity commenting on Barak Obama, “how the potential leader of the free world could be so close to a preacher who instead of condemning Islamofascists, questions God."

Senator John McCain was asked as to whether Obama’s connection to Reverend Washington was as questionable as McCain’s accepting the endorsement of controversial pastor John Hagee. McCain said, “No, because, I’m only interested in the votes of Hagee’s congregation, but don’t necessarily endorse everything he said. Heck, if Hitler endorsed me, and I accepted the votes of his high-stepping followers, that wouldn’t mean I was a Nazi, now would it?”

McCAIN VISITS NEW ORLEANS:IF I WE’RE PRESIDENT I WOULD HAVE NUKED KATRINA FIRST
By R J Shulman
NEW ORLEANS – Senator John McCain made a visit today to view the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. “This is not as safe as walking in Baghdad,” McCain said as he walked through the devastated lower 9th ward. “Of course, if I’d been President, I’d never have allowed this to happen. I ‘d have used nuclear missiles to destroy Hurricane Katrina before it could hit New Orleans.” McCain promised as President, if needed he would fight hurricanes for one hundred years.

“John has assured me,” said Reverend John Hagee, a McCain supporter, “that he will help prevent future natural disasters by banning gay parades which bring the wrath of God to reign upon any city planning gay parades that will be especially flamboyant like the one scheduled for New Orleans right around the time of Katrina.” Senator Larry Craig said, “I am not going to one of those parades. I have never gone to one of those parades.”

“No one could have known,” said President Bush, “that McCain would visit New Orleans, the Croissant City, so it’s not my fault I wasn’t prepared for his comments about how I should’ve used them nukes for a preemptive strike on the terrorist killer hurricane sos New Orleans wouldn’t have had to split it’s Levis. But if I nuked first, how could Brownie have done a heck of a job?”

IN CHANGE OF WEDDING PLANS, JENNA BUSH TO WED SAUDI PRINCE, BARBARA TO MARRY CHINESE GENERAL
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Just months after the White House confirmed that Jenna Bush would marry Henry Hagar, the 29 year old son of former Virginia Lieutenant governor John Hagar, President Bush announced that Jenna will be marrying 58 year old Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia. “When the Prince came to me and told me he wanted to marry Jenna,” the President said, “I said, ‘done deal,’ just like on Deal or no Deal that show that I cameo appeared on.” When asked about this sudden change of engagement from Hagar, a man that George W. Bush had called Jenna’s “soulmate,” Bush said, “the Prince is more soulmatey than Henry,” who was promised a job with Blackwater in Iraq. His royal highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz had recently been appointed Secretary General of the National Security Council by Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques King Abdullah of Suadi Arabia. Jenna, who recently entered a clinic for an unknown ailment was unavailable for comment.

In a related story, Jenna’s twin sister Barbara announced her engagement to General Zhu Chenghu, a top Chinese General. General Zhu had become known in world circles for his comments that he would not rule out the use of nuclear weapons against the United States if there was ever a skirmish over Taiwan. “If I have to for the good of the country,” Barbara said, before she was taken to the hospital for an apparent case of alcohol poisoning, “I’ll marry the wrinkled yellow bastard.”

“My granddaughters were headed for disastrous marriages to weak individuals,” said Barabara Bush, the President’s mother, “so these sudden marriages should work out well for them.” “It will work out for the US,” said Harold Winnokur, a senior researcher at Rand Institute, “as now Saudi Arabia won’t call in the US debt and China will hold off on their long range nuclear missiles, the ones aimed at the US.

“Georgie is going to have the two sons he always wished he had,” said Laura Bush, who seemed to be moved to tears.” “I am pleased at these arrangements,” said Dick Cheney, “because if those two spoiled brats didn’t choose to marry those fine gentlemen, we would be hit again and hit hard.”

FOX NEWS STUDY:NOT WEARING FLAG LAPEL PIN ENCOURAGES US ENEMIES


Flag pin worked well
for Hitler

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - In a new study unveiled by Fox News, conclusive evidence points to the fact that Americas have put themselves in danger by not wearing flag lapel pins. The exhaustive study of radio talk show hosts showed that Osama Bin Laden cheers every time he hears that an American is not wearing one of these pins. “Just how many people were not wearing their flag lapel pins when 911 hit,” said Rush Limbaugh.

Even more disturbing is that pin wearing failure, or PWF as it has become known is the cause of other serious problems, according to the 255 page report. “It is not a coincidence that New Orleans had the lowest percentage of flag pin wearers of any major American city when Katrina hit,” said Laura Ingram. “Further proof of the dangers on not wearing pins,” said Sean Hannity, “comes from the fact that there were a substantial number of mortgage borrowers who took out sub-prime loans while not wearing their pins.” “As I have warned you,” said Michael Weiner, better known to his listeners as Michael Savage, “the biggest threat to America are Americans themselves, the ones who refuse to wear flag lapel pins, which clearly means they support amnesty for disease ridden-Mexican illegal immigrants. And even worse, those illegals don’t wear pins either.”

“The fact that Obama won’t wear a flag lapel pin,” said Neil Bortz, “is proof positive that he is a Muslim terrorist who favors natural disasters which ruin the mortgage market.” “On the other hand, I might think of voting for Obama,” said Bill O’Reilly, “if he would say pass me the MF pin. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon.” “The message is clear,” said Dick Cheney, “if Americans don’t wear these pins, we will be hit again and we will be hit hard.”

“The greatest patriotic duty and sacrifice that can be made by any true American who loves their country,” said Mike Regan, “is to make sure they are wearing a flag lapel pin.” This could be a bigger problem than anticipated due to the recent recall by All American Trading Company of El Segundo, California which just announced a massive return of flag lapel pins due the accidental use of lead paint when they were manufactured in China.

AFTER “DEAL OR NO DEAL,” BUSH TO APPEAR ON ABC-TV’S “LOST”
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - Due to the success of George W. Bush’s cameo appearance on NBC-TV’s popular “Deal or No Deal,” the President will soon appear on other TV shows.” “It was so exciticating to be on the TV,” said President Bush, “and not have reporter folks pesticate me with questions that try and make me look like some kind of dunce who can’t even complete a sentence without, you know.”

The President taped a “good luck video” in the White House library for “Deal or No Deal” contestant Captain Joe Kobes who served in Iraq. The President said, “I am here to supporticate Private or whatever his rank Joe Krebbs or whatever his name is as a real hero for going to Iraq for three times and wishing him luck to have three jobs waiting at home for him whenever he gets back, and of course, having them jobs ready will be the responsibility of the next President.”
“The show’s producers contacted the White House after learning that Captain Kobes wanted to meet the President,” White House spokesman Tony Fratto said. “I just wanted to hear from the guy who had the guts to send me and my buddies back to Iraq for three tours of duty,” Kobes said. “The least the President could do for me was to bring along his friends who won him Florida in 2000 and Ohio in 2004 so they could help fix things for me with NBC in 2008. I really need the million dollar prize to send to my wife back home to help pay for gas so she can drive to her three jobs.”

The President will be careful what he does on TV to preserve the dignity of the highest office,” said Fratto, “so the next show he will appear on will be Bravo’s new reality show “America’s Next Disgraced President,” and then he will be part of an episode of ABC-TV’s “Lost” where he can show just how lost he is when it comes to foreign policy, domestic policy or determining his posterior from a hole in the ground.” Fratto has since left his White House position to spend more time with his family.

ON EVE OF PA PRIMARY, BILL CLINTON ENDORSES OBAMA
By R J Shulman
POTTSTOWN, Pennsylvania – Stating that he wants to back the future of the Democratic Party, Bill Clinton announced today that he is supporting Barak Obama as the Democratic nominee for President. “If you look at the numbers she can’t win,” the former President said, “even if you count Florida, Michigan and the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir.”

“It looks like Bill has become part of the great right wing conspiracy,” Senator Clinton said upon hearing the news of her husband’s sudden switch of support, “and when I claw my way into the White House, he can forget about ever sleeping there again.” “I’m not really concerned about any sniper fire from Hillary,” Bill Clinton said. “She can’t call me Judas because that’s Bill Richardson and she can’t call me a lying cheating adulterous fool because she’s used that one up, too.”

Barak Obama noted Bill Clinton’s support by saying, “I appreciate his support, but after what he did for Hillary’s campaign, I would hope he wouldn’t be making any speeches on my behalf.”

EARTH DAY CANCELLED BY FOUNDERS:THINGS ARE JUST TOO FAR GONE
By R J Shulman
SEATTLE – The founders of Earth Day have called off this year’s celebration because the state of the earth according to their press release, “is past the point of no return.” “Unfortunately,” said Vincent Holly of Earth First, “there comes a time when you just have to admit it’s too late, so we’re gonna party like it’s 1999, you know when there was still hope.”

“I’m so relieved,” said Al Gore. “It’s like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. You have no idea how impossible it is to try to save the planet for a bunch of ungrateful bozos.” “Actually, I’m disapointicated,” said President Bush, “I was just about to say that there might be a thing called global warming and they cancel the day, ruinicating my photo op.”

“Now that they have cancelled one useless day,” said Senator John McCain, “maybe they can do the same to Dr. Martin Luther King Day.” “It looks like, if you will,” said Dick Cheney, “from a drilling rig somewhere in the pristine Alaskan wilderness, “that the earth is in its final throes.”

CHENEY REPLACES ROVE AS CHAIRMAN OF OCTOBER SURPRISE COMMITTEE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Vice President Dick Cheney announced that he is naming himself as the head of the October Surprise Committee replacing long time Chairman Karl Rove. “Karl got soft from all his reporting and commentating,” Cheney said, “so as head of the new Chairman search Committee, I named myself as Karl’s successor.”

One of the complaints against Rove was that he was using the old school strategy of letting Senators Clinton and Obama fight it out to self-destruct the Democrats. “The problem with that,” Cheney said, “is that would make McCain the winner and McCain is a wuss who can’t hold up under torture. The first bit of pressure, and he might give it up that he knows nothing about the economy. What Karl doesn’t understand is it’s not about the Republicans winning the election, it’s about keeping me and Bush in office. As new Chairman, I’m looking at strategies to convince Americans that holding the Presidential elections would support the terrorists. One plan is in late October, to tell Americans that Osama Bin Laden is in Teheran so we’ll have to invade Iran and therefore can’t change horses in the middle of shock and awe. Another idea is to spread the word that little green islamofascists from outer space are invading, you know illegal aliens in turbans. Then we will have no choice but to declare marshal law and call off the elections.”

Calling off the elections even this early may be too late,” said George Stephanopolus from ABC-TV. Diebold has already given us the election results and McCain has been declared the winner with 52.4% of the vote.

CLARENCE THOMAS ON OBAMA:THEY SHOULD HAVE STOPPED AFFIRMATIVE ACTION WITH ME
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In an exclusive interview with the Post Times Sun Dispatch, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said that while affirmative action had done some good in the past, these “hand-out programs have, worn out their welcome. For these preference programs,” Thomas said, “to have propelled a nobody like Barak Obama onto the national scene as a viable Presidential candidate is all the evidence I need to make my decision that affirmative action should be outlawed.”

“The last kind of person you want in the Oval office,” Thomas said, “is an unqualified dunce, who got into the Ivy Leagues due to some unfair preference, like his father went there and ends up as President where he will surely be in over his head. This is the kind of guy who could get us into needless wars and attack the very Constitution he has sworn to uphold.”

The issue of affirmative action is slated for review by the Supreme Court later this year. Many people believe that the court will strike down affirmative action as being unconstitutional. “I certainly hope so,” said Paris Hilton, “people should get where they are on pure talent.”

FOX TV: ABC-TV ASKED DEMS SOFTBALL QUESTIONS ALL NIGHT
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Fox News lamented today that ABC-TV’s Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopolous threw softball questions at Senators Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama. “It was a freaking kumbayah love fest,” said Britt Hume. “I can’t believe talk was wasted on the economy and the war when Americans really needed to know whether Reverend Wright was wearing a flag lapel pin when he made that hatful sermon. Americans also want to know just how bitter that radical weatherman Bill Ayers was in the 60’s and speaking of weathermen, whether Al Roker is bitter because he hasn’t lost as much weight as he wanted to.”

“I would have asked Hillary,” said Bill O’Reilly, “what was the first thing she said to her husband Bill after she found out about that blue dress, and whether she believed that the infamous blue dress made Monica Lewinsky look fat or was she just fat.” “The most important issue of this campaign was completely ignored by ABC’s liberal commentators,” said Laura Ingram, “They didn’t ask Obama when his wife Michele stopped hating America.” “Another major political question on the tip of all of America’s tongues that was not asked,” said Sean Hannity, “was who would have a better chance of defeating John McCain in November, Paris Hilton or Britney Spears?” “The media must start asking tough relevant questions,” said Ronald White, a Fox News staffer, “or Americans could unwittingly end up with a moron in the oval office, and then where would we all be?”

LEGENDARY PROGRAMMER BROUGT BACK TO DEPROGRAM BUSH SUPPORTERS
By R J Shulman
SAN DIEGO - In a desperate effort to rescue their loved ones from a dangerous cult led by George W Bush, a group of concerned relatives and friends have convinced retired cult de-programmer Ted Patrick to help them. Patrick is considered to be the father of cult deprogramming, earning the nickname “Black Lightning” for the daring methods he used to rescue children from cults, often leading to Patrick’s arrests and incarceration.

“It really wasn’t that hard to get him to leave retirement,” said Sally Schwinhouser, whose son Oscar voted for Bush twice. “Ted said that the Bush cult is the most dangerous he’s ever seen. Ted said he could help my Oscar,” Schwinhouser said through tears. Patrick confirmed his return by telling the Post Times Sun Dispatch that Bush followers are so dangerous that it makes Scientology and Jonestown seem like a junior high pep club. “I’ll get Bush’s followers to snap back to reality, if I have to kidnap the whole damn state of Kansas,” Patrick said.

“I don’t give Patrick much thought,” said Bush. “I don’t really care if some name-calling anti-American terrorist killers like Ted Patrick make me the person on their wanted most posters.”

“We expect to be able to snap thousands out of their mindless support of Bush,” said Wally Carmichael, whose brother Bill actually donated money to Bush’s campaign. “I am hopeful we can make Billy realize that Bush is not some kind of cowboy decider and that ‘yippie yi yo’ is not a viable foreign policy.”

DESPITE PLEA FROM BUSH TO FIGHT, POPE TURNS OTHER CHEEK TO WAR ON CHRISTMAS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – During his historic visit to the White House today, Pope Benedict XVI politely rejected President Bush’s request that the Pontiff participate in a troop surge in the War on Christmas. “I tried to explainicate to his highness,” Bush told reporters, “the importance of his supportication of our fight to win the global war on Christmas as America needs Christmas shopping like a dog needs a mouse, like a cat needs a bone and like Rush Limbaugh needs oxycontin. All I asked him to do,” Bush said, “was to say for the American people a few ‘Our Fathers” and ‘Hail Macy’s’”

“Just how un-American can this Pope get,” said Fox’s Bill O’Reilly. “We need all the help we can to save Christmas trees, ornaments and greeting cards and the Pope’s refusal to condemn the terrorist Christmas haters is nothing short of treason from this Pope Benedict Arnold.”

Later today, Vice President Dick Cheney will accompany the Pope on a most American tradition, hunting. “I have this vision,” Cheney said, “that I can get the Pope to change his mind.”

HALLIBURTON ON IRAQ:THE SPLURGE IS WORKING
By R J Shulman
DUBAI – In a report just issued to Congress, Halliburton CEO David Lesar stated that his research of the Iraq war clearly shows that, “the splurge is working.” “The bottom line in the Iraq operation,” wrote Lesar from his new office in the United Arab Eremites, “is frankly, our bottom line.”

“My mother always told me to share,” said President Bush, “and I know she is proud that I have been able to billionaire my friends. I mean, when I blew the lock off Al Gore’s Social Security lock box and saw the treasury, I felt like a candy in a kid’s store.”

“Going to the dark side, if you will,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “takes a lot of green. It’s not cheap to make sure our troops are equipped with state of the art torture equipment.”

“The President’s plan has been working,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino. “First you pass the wealth of the nation to your friends, then you lower their taxes, get rid of capital gains and the estate tax and then you tell the American people to hate welfare cheaters and bozos who took out bad home loans.” “I agree that the splurge has worked for Bush,” said David Ulrich of the Rand Corporation, “W came into office saying that the US Government wasn’t working, then he destroys it, and then he can say that he was right all along.”

While the future of the United States involvement in Iraq is in question when Bush leaves office, Lawrence Sprague, a spokesman for Halliburton subsidiary KBR expressed his support for John McCain. “There is nothing more solid than Senator McCain’s straight talking strategy for Iraq. His well planned hundred-year splurge makes me, well, swoon.”

BUSH ATTACKS OBAMA FOR TRYING TO EXPLOIT ‘OUR REDNECKS’
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In a scathing speech, President Bush attacked Barak Obama for the comments he made last Friday about economic conditions making certain working class Americans bitter. “How dare Obama pick on our folks for thumping guns and shooting bibles in times of trouble. Us Republicans have the God given exclusive right to use these people to catapult the propaganda and pass our agenda. If these rednecks were supposed to be used by them Democrats,” the President said, “they would be called blue necks, now wouldn’t they? The American people must understand that its as un-American as not wearing a flag lapel to look down on these hick people like Obama did.” Bush concluded by saying, “Barak shouldn’t act like he is above everybody and above the law as the only person who can do that is the decider.”

“Without the support of these uneducated frightened people that Obama was being elitist about,” said Clark Monahan of the Heritage foundation, “the Republicans couldn’t get elected to pass tax breaks for the ultra rich, privileged and other very important friends of theirs.” “These basic sub-humans vote for us because they want to be like us,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “you know, be able to have a few beers, torture something and then shoot someone in the face and get away with it.”

“I can’t believe how elitist Obama is,” said former President George Herbert Walker Bush, “the next thing you know the Senator from Illinois will get his no good son into an Ivy League school, get the kid into a cush National Guard unit to avoid serving in McCain’s hundred year war, so the spoiled kid can get drunk and ruin everything he touches. Now that’s elitist.”

Barak Obama has since apologized, saying he was trying to point out that thirty years of bad economic policy, under Reagan, Bush and Clinton including the adoption of NAFTA have caused loss of jobs and security which leads to frustration. Hillary Clinton, who had earlier attacked Obama over his statements, had to defend her initial support of NAFTA under her husband’s Administration saying she had misspoken back then due to the stress of being under sniper fire.

POPE TO TELL BUSH TO SPEND LESS ON WAR, BUSH TO TELL POPE HE’S AN ISLAMOFASCIST
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In his visit to the United States next week, Pope Benedict XVI has indicated he will tell President Bush he hopes the US will spend less on the war and more to help the poor. “If he asks me,” the President told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “to waste our money on poor folks who want to be poor instead of wasting it on our noble cause to fight Democracy and spread the global war on terror, then I’ll have no choice but to tell him he is an Isamofascist and a Communist to boot.” “That will essentially be the President’s message,’ said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “except he will say we should fight the war on terror and spread democracy, not the other way around.”

“Hasn’t anyone told the Pope that Kennedy isn’t the President anymore?” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “This President gets his orders from a different God, a God who is bigger and more full of shock and awe than anyone else’s God.” “Actually, I look forward to the Pope’s visit, as I will expedite the opportunity for him to enlighten us first hand,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “as to whether waterboarding is really torture.”

The Pope will visit New York and Washington in his first visit to the United States since becoming Pope three years ago. “At first I thought we should let the Pope visit America,” said Senator John McCain, “but now that I am a true conservative, I believe we should build a fence around the country to keep this subversive German foreigner out as he seems to have forgotten the true meaning of ‘onward Christian soldier.’”

BUSH LABELS NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND TEST AS TERRORIST PLOT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – The Bush Administration has pulled a test that was slated for the no child left behind program due to its inflammatory content. “The test must have been prepared by Al Qaeda or the Iranians,” said Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings. “The content of this multiple choice test was not only anti-American, it offered no correct answers. How are our children going to affected by having a test where every choice is dead wrong?”

“I was shocked and awed when they read this test to me,” said President Bush, “Education is the bestest way to teachicate our children, and these terrorist killers are trying to catapult the propaganda to our young ones.” “As soon as we find the perpetrators of this attack,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “we will make them take a test where they will get to answer the question, ‘is waterboarding a form of torture?”

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a portion of the now cancelled test that has caused so much controversy. This is an excerpt from the history and politics section:

17. The Unites States will remove its troops from Iraq after:
a. Friends of Bush and Cheney have tapped out all the no-bid contracts possible
b. The US Treasury is completely exhausted
c. Hell freezes over
d. All of the above
18. The difference between President George W. Bush and Adolph Hitler is:
a. Hitler had a moustache
b. Hitler didn’t pretend to be a cowboy
c. Hitler actually got elected
d. All of the above
19. Which of the following phrases has President Bush used to the point of nausea:
a. “We’re making progress”
b. “The surge is working”
c. “Heh-heh, heh-heh, heh-heh,”
d. All of the above
20. Dick Cheney came to the office of Vice President from:
a. Wyoming
b. Halliburton
c. The depths of Hell
d. All of the above
21. If the Founding Fathers were here today and witnessed the Bush Presidency they would:
a. Throw up
b. Start a new Revolution
c. Be sorry the ever founded anything
d. All of the above
Investigators are searching for the source of the bogus document. Ms. Spellings said there should be a new exam in place in time for the next round of testing.

BUSH ADVISES CHINESE TO AVOID OLYMPIC PROTESTS BY HOLDING GAMES IN SECRET LOCATION
By R J Shulman
CRAWFORD, Texas – President Bush announced that he notified Chinese authorities of a plan to help them, “avoidicate the embarrassing times of protestors protesting up the place.” Olympic protests have sprung up worldwide, as many are calling for a boycott of the Olympics to highlight disapproval of China’s human rights violations against Tibet and their own people.

“In the Golden Gate City by the bay,” Bush told reporters, “we mission accomplished by secrifying the torch location away from sign carrying folks with signs. So,” Bush continued, “I told the Chinese guy, Pong Ping Xanthum Gum or whatever the Premier’s name is, to move the Olympic Games to a secret place not disclosed to anyone sos to keep the Chinese from getting egg foo young on their face in public.”

“The Chinese are considering Mr. Bush’s offer,” said Presidential Press secretary Dana Perino. “After all, going to a secret location did wonders for the President after his reading of My Pet Goat was interrupted by 9-11.” “We do some of our best work in secret,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from an undisclosed underground location.

The three leading Presidential candidates weighed in on the issue of whether the President should boycott the Chinese Olympics. So far, Mr. Bush has not indicated he will miss the opening ceremony. “I agree with Bush not caving in to political correctness,” said senator John McCain, “because who cares if a few A-rabs die in China.” He was quickly corrected by Senator Lieberman who told him it was Chinese people who lived in China. “If I were President,” said Senator Hillary Clinton, “I would do whatever it takes to convince the Chinese to uphold basic human rights, even if I have to do it through sniper fire.” “I don’t see how President Bush can protest the Olympics,” said Barak Obama. “What is he going to do? Take a pause from spying, torturing and imprisoning political enemies to tell the Chinese to quit spying, torturing and imprisoning political enemies?”

McCAIN: SHIITES, SHMEEITES, SUNIS, SCHMOONIES, THEY’RE ALL GOOKS TO ME
By R J Shulman
PHOENIX - In a move to silence his critics, Senator John McCain fought back today against charges he does not understand the difference between the factions in the Iraq conflict by saying, “who cares?” He pointed to his war experience as teaching him that the best way to cut through all the rhetoric is to simply call all non-Americans ‘gooks.’ “While the left leaning liberals are politely asking those frickin’ foreigners whether they want to be called Shiites, Sunis or A-rabs," said McCain, "I’ll be bombing the heck out of Iran, you know nuking the gooks.”

McCain also pointed out that if he is the next President, “there’s going to be some changes around here,” he told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “First, I will force Barak Obama and his damn preacher to wear flag lapel pins at all times, even when they're is in the shower, and then I have a plan to stop Hillary from campaigning for President even if it takes one-hundred years.

FOX NEWS REPORTS OBAMA KNEW SOMEONE FROM THE HOOD
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Fox News reported today that they have evidence that Barak Obama may have known someone from the hood. “It is not clear at this time which hood,” said commentator Brit Hume, “but Obama definitely had a discussion with someone about the hood.” An Obama spokesperson said, “he must be thinking of Joe from Joe’s Body Shop in Peoria, who fixed a dent in the hood of Barak’s BMW.” “Those are just left-wing excuses,” said Bill O’Reilly, “If, God forbid, Obama is our next President, how far are we away from hearing ‘pass me the MF nukes?”

“The American dream is all but over if that America hater wins,” talk show host Michael Savage told Fox, “with Obama on Pennsylvania Avenue, we’ll have to call the White House the Black House or even worse, the Crack House.” “Even though I hate McCain’s guts,” said Sean Hannity on Hannity and Combs “he is the now the great white hope.” “As opposed to Bush, the great white dope,” said Alan Combs.

“We think this story of Obama associating with the criminal element of the inner cities,” concluded Hume, “will be even bigger than the story that we’ve been running non-stop, the one about Obama telling his preacher to hate America.” “Thank goodness for Fox News,” said Ann Coulter, “their fair and balanced exhaustive journalism protects us from the fear mongering hate filled words of those anti-American liberal terrorists who want you dead.”

IN MOVE TO BE ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY, GENERAL PETRAEUS WILL USE RECYCLED SPEECH TO CONGRESS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – When General Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker travel to Capital Hill on Tuesday, they promise to be energy efficient by utilizing recycled speeches from their Congressional appearances last September. “There is no need to waste words,” said Patraeus, “so we will say the same thing we said last Fall, and that is that the surge is working and we need six more months to know exactly how well”

The only twist this time is that Patraeus will be testifying before the three leading Presidential candidates. “I’ll tell Senator McCain,” said Patraeus, “that it’s a good thing he knows nothing about economics, or else he’d keel over at the cost of this war. I’ll tell Hillary that it is too early for her to draw down her campaign workers, until Obama has clearly secured control of the Democratic party. And I would tell Obama, heck, I’d say the surge is working and we need six more months to know exactly how well.”

President Bush weighed in on the expected testimony from the Petraeus by saying, “You should pay attention to the General who has troops with boots in the air and like he said, the six months are working and we need more surge to know exactly how well.”

POLICE SEARCH FOR THIEF WHO STOLE RIFLE FROM CHARLETON HESTON’S COLD DEAD HANDS
By R J Shulman
BEVERLY HILLS, California – Police are searching for the person who removed Charlton Heston’s prized rifle from his body moments after his death. “We walked out of his bedroom for just a moment,” said family spokesman Bill Powers, “and when we returned, some fiend had pried the Remington 30-06 from his hands.” Charlton Heston, an actor who seemed larger than life, is known for his heroic roles in movies of the 50’s and 60’s, and of course for his stand on the rights of gun owners.

Police have few clues and have asked the public to inform them if they have seen any suspicious characters carrying a rifle. “That could be half of the United States population,” said Fred Swinton of the Beverly Hills Police Department. When asked about the crime, Vice President Dick Cheney said, “Why would I take the rifle? I own enough guns to blow the faces off any friend I want to.” After aides interrupted President Bush from re-reading My Pet Goat, he said, “Brownie, you’re doin’ a heck of a job.” General Patraeus upon learning the news, “while we may need to recover that rifle, I can assure you that the surge is working.”

The three major Presidential candidates have weighed in on the stolen rifle. “We must find that rifle of mass destruction,” said John McCain, “even if we have to bomb Iran for one hundred years.” “I pledge to my supporters that I am not a quitter,” said Hillary Clinton, “I will not give up looking for that rifle, even after it is recovered.” “I think it’s time for a change,” said Barak Obama, “America should forget about that rifle.”

The Heston family will have a private funeral with a closed casket. Bill Powers explained, “He looks so naked without that gun.”

IS RANDI RHODES THE CHRIST OF TALK RADIO?
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Questions arose regarding the role of Randi Rhodes after the popular talk show host was suspended indefinitely by the Air America Radio Network due to her off color remarks about Hillary Clinton and Geraldine Ferraro at a night club. “It looks like Randi has taken the hit for all of our sins,” said Rush Limbaugh who was miraculously not disciplined for calling Barak Obama a spade and Hillary Clinton a ho on his highly rated radio program.

“I say much worse everyday on my program,” said Michael Weiner, better known to his fans as Michael Savage. “At least once every show, I rant about those disease-ridden Mexicans who are invading us in an attempt to destroy our way of life. If Randi wants to be the one to take the punishment, then she is a saint.” “I’m in awe that Randi decided to sacrifice herself for the rest of us,” said Ann Coulter.

“By being crucified by Air America Radio,” said Talkers Magazine’s Michael Harrison, “Ms. Rhodes has saved all of the other talkers.” “I’ve put my faith in Randi and she has forgiven me,” said shock jock Don Imus who is now back on the air after being fired for calling the Rutgers women’s basketball team, nappy headed hos. “It’s great to know that no matter how wretched I am on the air, I’ll be saved by my faith in her,” said talker Bill Cunnigham, “What a friend we have in Randi.”

When asked about the punitive action that her employer Air America took against her,” Rhoades said, “forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Not all thinks she is radio’s savior. “I know everyone else seems to think she walks on water,” said on talk show host, “but I’ll believe she’s the Jesus of radio if her show is resurrected in three days.”

YOO: I WAS TORTURED INTO WRITING THAT MEMO
By R J Shulman
BERKLEY, California – John Yoo, the former Bush Administration lawyer who now teaches at Berkley’s law school, told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that he was forced to write the recently disclosed memo which paved the way for the US to begin torturing suspected terrorists in Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo and secret black prisons. “When somebody is sticking a hot poker up your keister, suddenly it’s easy to say the international laws against torture don’t apply to the President. And when you are being waterboarderd,” Yoo continued, “all I could do was say, “bll-bll-bll-bblub, which when they sopped pouring water on my face, I could repeat as, “any thing you say, Mr. Cheney.”

“I don’t know about any of this talk about hot keisters and surfboarding,” President Bush said, “but it is clear as night that as the decider, I have decidicated that I am not above any law that I decide I have to follow and as of yet to this date, I have not read any law that meets with my strict requirements of followcation, as they will get in the way of winning the war on terror.”

“Obviously this is a disturbing discovery but understandable,” said Wayne Baldwin of the American Civil Liberties Union, “I too, with electrodes to my privates would say ‘we don’t need no stinking Fourth Amendment.’ But it does not mitigate the fact that John Yoo’s torture memo has sent America’s moral standing down the tubes, the Yoo tubes if you will.”

“You sometimes have to go to the dark side,” said Vice President Dick Cheney. “What people don’t understand about torture is that it is not only necessary to win the global war on terror, but that it is so damn enjoyable.”

FEDS SKIRT ENVIRONMENTAL LAWS IN PUSH TO BUILD BORDER FENCE WITH CANADA
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In a aggressive move to finish the barrier along the US – Canada border by the end of the year, the Department of Homeland Security announced that it will waive environmental and safety laws. The waivers are allowed by the Secure Fences Act. They grant Homeland Security the opportunity to slash through the red tape of over 75 laws that protect the environment and the health and safety of people who live near the border. At 5522 miles, the US Canadian border is the longest in the world.

While strenuously opposed by environmental groups, the fence is the darling of many conservatives. “It’s about time,” said talk show host Michael Savage, “this Great Wall of America should stop the hoard of disgusting Canadians from invading America with their dirty hockey sticks, maple syrup and Canadian Bacon.” “If we don’t stop those cunning Canadians now,” said Fox’s Bill O’Reilly, “we will soon have print all of our signs in French.”

“We are pushing Congress to allow us to increase our labor pool by eliminating the restrictions of child labor laws,” said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, “along with asking for a waiver of the laws banning slavery. Instead of those people selling illegal drugs in the inner city, they can stop illegal prescription drugs from being smuggled in from Canada.” Chertoff said that to save taxpayer money, he will insure that the bulk of the construction work force will be those willing to work for less, “which means,” he said, “Mexican Nationals.”

CHENEY NOMINATES HIMSELF AS VICE PRESIDENT FOR LIFE
By R J Shulman
BUNKERVILLE, Wyoming – Dick Cheney announced today that he has nominated himself as permanent head of the Vice Presidential search committee. “As committee chairman,” Cheney said from a secret underground location, “I have informed John McCain, Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton that I am the most qualified person for the VP job. I have complete confidence,” Cheney continued, “that the three leading candidates for President will take my recommendation to make me their running mate.” When asked how he knew this he said, “a little birdie told me, a birdie on a waterboard.”

Cheney noted that the Twenty-Second Amendment to the Constitution, which limits the President to two terms, does not specifically place limits on the Vice Presidency. Harvard Law professor, Alan Dershowitz agreed that the amendment does not specifically restrict the office of Vice President, “a mostly titular position for someone to support pet causes such as stopping global warming, like Al Gore or stopping dissent like Spiro Agnew. The real intent of the law,” Dershowitz said, “was to keep anyone from becoming a benevolent dictator.” “There is no way Cheney would become a benevolent dictator,” said a spokesperson, “there is nothing benevolent about him.”

When an aide read the Twenty Second Amendment to George W. Bush, the President announced that he would run again, as “the amendment says you can’t get elected to the Presidency more than twice and I never really got electocated. I was installed in office.” The President seemed pleased with his new decision, saying it means that “I won’t have to act like a lame duck President after all.” “Then he can just act lame,” said a White House staffer who immediately resigned to spend more time with his family in Guantanamo.