YOO: I WAS TORTURED INTO WRITING THAT MEMO
By R J Shulman
BERKLEY, California – John Yoo, the former Bush Administration lawyer who now teaches at Berkley’s law school, told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that he was forced to write the recently disclosed memo which paved the way for the US to begin torturing suspected terrorists in Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo and secret black prisons. “When somebody is sticking a hot poker up your keister, suddenly it’s easy to say the international laws against torture don’t apply to the President. And when you are being waterboarderd,” Yoo continued, “all I could do was say, “bll-bll-bll-bblub, which when they sopped pouring water on my face, I could repeat as, “any thing you say, Mr. Cheney.”

“I don’t know about any of this talk about hot keisters and surfboarding,” President Bush said, “but it is clear as night that as the decider, I have decidicated that I am not above any law that I decide I have to follow and as of yet to this date, I have not read any law that meets with my strict requirements of followcation, as they will get in the way of winning the war on terror.”

“Obviously this is a disturbing discovery but understandable,” said Wayne Baldwin of the American Civil Liberties Union, “I too, with electrodes to my privates would say ‘we don’t need no stinking Fourth Amendment.’ But it does not mitigate the fact that John Yoo’s torture memo has sent America’s moral standing down the tubes, the Yoo tubes if you will.”

“You sometimes have to go to the dark side,” said Vice President Dick Cheney. “What people don’t understand about torture is that it is not only necessary to win the global war on terror, but that it is so damn enjoyable.”