CHENEY NOMINATES HIMSELF AS VICE PRESIDENT FOR LIFE
By R J Shulman
BUNKERVILLE, Wyoming – Dick Cheney announced today that he has nominated himself as permanent head of the Vice Presidential search committee. “As committee chairman,” Cheney said from a secret underground location, “I have informed John McCain, Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton that I am the most qualified person for the VP job. I have complete confidence,” Cheney continued, “that the three leading candidates for President will take my recommendation to make me their running mate.” When asked how he knew this he said, “a little birdie told me, a birdie on a waterboard.”

Cheney noted that the Twenty-Second Amendment to the Constitution, which limits the President to two terms, does not specifically place limits on the Vice Presidency. Harvard Law professor, Alan Dershowitz agreed that the amendment does not specifically restrict the office of Vice President, “a mostly titular position for someone to support pet causes such as stopping global warming, like Al Gore or stopping dissent like Spiro Agnew. The real intent of the law,” Dershowitz said, “was to keep anyone from becoming a benevolent dictator.” “There is no way Cheney would become a benevolent dictator,” said a spokesperson, “there is nothing benevolent about him.”

When an aide read the Twenty Second Amendment to George W. Bush, the President announced that he would run again, as “the amendment says you can’t get elected to the Presidency more than twice and I never really got electocated. I was installed in office.” The President seemed pleased with his new decision, saying it means that “I won’t have to act like a lame duck President after all.” “Then he can just act lame,” said a White House staffer who immediately resigned to spend more time with his family in Guantanamo.