EARTH DAY CANCELLED BY FOUNDERS:THINGS ARE JUST TOO FAR GONE
By R J Shulman
SEATTLE – The founders of Earth Day have called off this year’s celebration because the state of the earth according to their press release, “is past the point of no return.” “Unfortunately,” said Vincent Holly of Earth First, “there comes a time when you just have to admit it’s too late, so we’re gonna party like it’s 1999, you know when there was still hope.”

“I’m so relieved,” said Al Gore. “It’s like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. You have no idea how impossible it is to try to save the planet for a bunch of ungrateful bozos.” “Actually, I’m disapointicated,” said President Bush, “I was just about to say that there might be a thing called global warming and they cancel the day, ruinicating my photo op.”

“Now that they have cancelled one useless day,” said Senator John McCain, “maybe they can do the same to Dr. Martin Luther King Day.” “It looks like, if you will,” said Dick Cheney, “from a drilling rig somewhere in the pristine Alaskan wilderness, “that the earth is in its final throes.”