BUSH ADVISES CHINESE TO AVOID OLYMPIC PROTESTS BY HOLDING GAMES IN SECRET LOCATION
By R J Shulman
CRAWFORD, Texas – President Bush announced that he notified Chinese authorities of a plan to help them, “avoidicate the embarrassing times of protestors protesting up the place.” Olympic protests have sprung up worldwide, as many are calling for a boycott of the Olympics to highlight disapproval of China’s human rights violations against Tibet and their own people.

“In the Golden Gate City by the bay,” Bush told reporters, “we mission accomplished by secrifying the torch location away from sign carrying folks with signs. So,” Bush continued, “I told the Chinese guy, Pong Ping Xanthum Gum or whatever the Premier’s name is, to move the Olympic Games to a secret place not disclosed to anyone sos to keep the Chinese from getting egg foo young on their face in public.”

“The Chinese are considering Mr. Bush’s offer,” said Presidential Press secretary Dana Perino. “After all, going to a secret location did wonders for the President after his reading of My Pet Goat was interrupted by 9-11.” “We do some of our best work in secret,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from an undisclosed underground location.

The three leading Presidential candidates weighed in on the issue of whether the President should boycott the Chinese Olympics. So far, Mr. Bush has not indicated he will miss the opening ceremony. “I agree with Bush not caving in to political correctness,” said senator John McCain, “because who cares if a few A-rabs die in China.” He was quickly corrected by Senator Lieberman who told him it was Chinese people who lived in China. “If I were President,” said Senator Hillary Clinton, “I would do whatever it takes to convince the Chinese to uphold basic human rights, even if I have to do it through sniper fire.” “I don’t see how President Bush can protest the Olympics,” said Barak Obama. “What is he going to do? Take a pause from spying, torturing and imprisoning political enemies to tell the Chinese to quit spying, torturing and imprisoning political enemies?”