POLICE SEARCH FOR THIEF WHO STOLE RIFLE FROM CHARLETON HESTON’S COLD DEAD HANDS
By R J Shulman
BEVERLY HILLS, California – Police are searching for the person who removed Charlton Heston’s prized rifle from his body moments after his death. “We walked out of his bedroom for just a moment,” said family spokesman Bill Powers, “and when we returned, some fiend had pried the Remington 30-06 from his hands.” Charlton Heston, an actor who seemed larger than life, is known for his heroic roles in movies of the 50’s and 60’s, and of course for his stand on the rights of gun owners.

Police have few clues and have asked the public to inform them if they have seen any suspicious characters carrying a rifle. “That could be half of the United States population,” said Fred Swinton of the Beverly Hills Police Department. When asked about the crime, Vice President Dick Cheney said, “Why would I take the rifle? I own enough guns to blow the faces off any friend I want to.” After aides interrupted President Bush from re-reading My Pet Goat, he said, “Brownie, you’re doin’ a heck of a job.” General Patraeus upon learning the news, “while we may need to recover that rifle, I can assure you that the surge is working.”

The three major Presidential candidates have weighed in on the stolen rifle. “We must find that rifle of mass destruction,” said John McCain, “even if we have to bomb Iran for one hundred years.” “I pledge to my supporters that I am not a quitter,” said Hillary Clinton, “I will not give up looking for that rifle, even after it is recovered.” “I think it’s time for a change,” said Barak Obama, “America should forget about that rifle.”

The Heston family will have a private funeral with a closed casket. Bill Powers explained, “He looks so naked without that gun.”