BUSH SAYS ALBERTO GONZALES IS NOT LYING: BECAUSE

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - Amidst the increasing calls for the resignation of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales for possible purjery and obstruction of justice, President Bush has once again expressed his support for Gonzales. "Some of you have asked with all the inconsistications in what Alberto was tellin' the Congress folks, why Alberto is not a big fat liar," said Bush in a prepared statement issued this afternoon, "The reason he is not lying is because."

"That should put an end to questions about the Attorney General's integrity," said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, "Now it's time to move on." "What a succinct and perfect answer," said Vice President Dick Cheney. "If I was asked that question by anyone, I would have been forced to shoot their face off"

"Even if Alberto was lying," said an unamed White House spokes person, "it wouldn't matter because President Clinton lied first and this administration will not stoop to level of the Clinton administration's childish behavior, so na-na-na-na-na, so's your old man, tag your 'it'."

BUSH ADMINISTRATION CAUSES SHORTAGE OF WHOLE CLOTH

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - In an exclusive to the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, reliable sources have stated that there is now a shortage of whole cloth. "It's more like a whole cloth shortage crisis," said Mark Slade, of the Bethesda, Maryland based Fabic Study Insitute. "The lack of whole cloth has occurred becasue the Bush administation has had to spin so many stories out of it." "Just yesterday alone," said Slade, "Alberto Gonzales uses so much cloth in his testimony to Congress, that we may never be able to recover our supplies."

The shortage has espically hit hard in Corporate circles. "We are having trouble getting out annual statments out to our shareholders," said Tom Ward, CEO of Chesapeake Energy, "as we have practically nothing to spin it with.

In a related story, the Post-Time-Sun-Dispatch has learned that national talk show host Rush Limbaugh my soon be indited on illegal mill shopping to supply him with the large amount of whole cloth he needs each day for his radio program.

Some experts predict that globally we may see an extinction of whole cloth as early as March of next year. "The absolute danger of that," said Alfred Hack, of the Heritage Institute, "is that we will now be stuck with stories and reports that are true."

NEW SCIENTIFIC STUDY: ELEPHANTS CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING

by R J Shulman

ATHENS, Ga. -A newly released study conducted at the University of Georgia proporsts to dispell the myth that elephants have a superior memory. "It's quite the opposite," said Clyde Mason, a science professor. "They can't seem to remember a damn thing. Just look at Scooter Libby who couldn't remember a single cogent fact about who outed Valarie Plame."

"The poster child for the forgetful elephant has got to be Alberto Gonzales," said Mason. "He not only can't recall anything that went on in his Justice Department, he seems to have forgotten that he took the oath to protect the US Constitution." "Actually all of the elephants seem to have forgotten that one," said fellow scientist Hallie Johnson, "as they continue to stomp all over it."

BUSH COLONOSCOPY REVEALS IRAQI EXIT STRATEGY
by R J Shulman
BETHESDA, Md – The Naval doctors who performed a routine colonoscopy on President Bush on Saturday, announced the results of the test today. “We discovered two small irregularities,” said Dr. Willard Stone, “the first polyp was unusual in that it contained writing. It apparently set forth the President’s plan for exiting Iraq.”

“This ends speculation by the Defeatocrat name callers,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “that the President has no plan to end the war. This newly revealed plan clearly calls for the troops to come home from Iraq through Iran.” “This won’t be the first time,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “that Bush has pulled foreign policy out of his ass.”

“The second colon polyp was more troubling,” said Dr. Stone. “We were concerned that it might be Bush’s brain, but it couldn't be as it was benign.”

BUSH: PROGRESS BEING MADE ON PLAME OUTING COVER-UP
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – “With my friend, that Judge Bates tossin' out Valerie Plame’s lawsuit against Dick Cheney, Operation Cover-up about the release of Plame’s name to the press folks is almost competicated,” Bush told reporters gathered at the White House Rose Garden. “The President would like to thank the American people,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “for their patience in allowing time for the administration’s surge in lies to finally take effect.”

“I would like to commend the President,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from an undisclosed bunker, “for having the foresight to appoint Judge Bates whose disregard for the law was so helpful in removing the terrorist threat of Valarie Plame and her enemy combatant supporters from being able to launch a successful attack agaist me and Karl Rove.”

“The President is a man of his word,” said I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, finally breaking his silence after the President commuted his sentence for perjury and obstruction of justice in the Plame case, "George said that when he found out who was responsible for the Plame name leak, he would take care of them, and I am living proof of that.”

Sources close to the President say that Bush will be able to claim “mission accomplished” for Operation Cover-up as soon as a few loose ends are sent to Guantanimo for storage.

NFL TO PURGE LOSING TEAMS
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Taking a page from the Michael Vick playbook, the National Football League will execute players from losing teams right after they suffer their loss. “We saw how much publicity Michael got for executing dogs that lost their fights,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, “so we will do the same with the losing players.” “Not only should this be a boost to the popularity of football,” said New York Giant’s owner John Mara, “but it should help with the salary caps as there are a lot of overpaid guys who just don’t give it their all.”

The executions will start with the 2008 season to allow players the option to break their contract if they disapprove of the new rules, according tho an NFL spokesperson. "We are not sure whether we will shoot, electrocute or send out crazed pit bulls to kill the losers,” said former NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, “but it should keep people in the stands to share in the family value of revenge against the players who once again have dashed their hopes of a Superbowl ring for their city.”

“In addition to sprucing up the excitement of the game Goodell said, “we will be adding a team in Los Angeles, a market that is desperate for a franchise. They’ll be called the LA Christians whose first game will be at the Coliseum where they will play the Detroit Lions in a winner take all game.”

SENATE SHOWDOWN: REPBULICANS SAY ‘GIVE WAR A CHANCE’
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – During an all night session of the Senate called by Democrats to dramatize their opposition to the Iraq war, Senate Republicans fired back by demanding that America should “give war a chance.” “The Democrats are so committed to peace," said Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, “that they are blind to the humane benefits of a lasting war.” “Why all this drum beat to peace?” asked Arizona Senator John McCain, “how can you finally enjoy a war divided when you are hell-bent on waging peace?”

“The Democrats and their allies in the militant environmental complex will do anything to destroy the honest efforts of those that are working so hard to keep the war alive,” said Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas. “Unless I get this Senate to give me my war,” said Orrin Hatch (R-Ut), “I will hold my breath until I turn blue.”

Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina said, “Those Dems were so supportive of giving the inspectors time to search for weapons of mass destruction before the invasion. Now all you hear from those hypocrites is that they favor prematurely ending the war due to their power mad dash for all-out peace.”

BUSH DEFICIT SPENDING NOW INCLUDES POLITICAL CAPITAL
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – The spending during the Bush administration that turned a record surplus into a record deficit has spread to include the President’s political capital. “Every President who gets elected,” said Samuel Worthington, a DC political analyst, “comes to office with a certain amount of political capital they can use to “buy” passage of their agenda. With the massive failures of the Iraqi war, the botched attempt to eliminate social security, the scandals with the Valerie Plame outing and commuting of Scooter Libby’s sentence, not to mention the Attorney General firings, the trashing of Constitutional rights and the loss of American good will around the world, the President has long since spent any political capital he may have had.”

“He has over spent so much political capital,” said Florence De Long, of the General Accounting Office, “that it will take at least three future Presidents to straighten out the mess, and only if they were Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln coming back to save us.” The political capital deficit problem has become so acute that political insiders speculate that the government may have to grind to a halt and the United States assets be sold at auction to China, Japan or Saudi Arabia.

SENATOR VITTER ON SEX SCANDAL: I AM GLAD THAT I’M A REPUBLICAN
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - After revealing that his phone number was on the phone records of the so-called “DC Madam,” Louisiana Senator David Vitter, said, “At least the GOP will defend you when you get caught in a sex scandal and not leave you like a sinking ship as those defeatist Dems did when they found out Clinton was getting his oil changed by someone other than Hilary.”

“It is well established law,” said Clemson Gaithwhite, a Harvard law professor, “that it’s excusable to perform below standards or commit tawdry deeds, but only if you are a Republican. Membership in the Grand Old Party,” Garthwhite continued, “grants you an automatic get out of jail free card, if you will. Look no further than the case of that strangely named Scooter Libby.”

“It all has something to do with the fact that the Republicans have Jesus to forgive their sins, while the godless liberals have no one to forgive them,” said Hiram Whitney, Yale theology scholar. “Calling Vitter a hypocrite because he led the charge to condemn and impeach Clinton for sex outside of marriage,” said Herman Gratz of the Heritage Foundation, “misses the point that only Democrats can be hypocrites as they, as unrepentant sinners have no right to condemn those that have or will receive forgiveness from a God.”

“Now you know why Bush is called the 'what-me-worry' President,” said Charles Hardin, a White House spokesperson. “No matter how much he screws up, he has his Republican membership card to keep him warm at night.”

NEW REPORT: AL GORE ADDS TO GLOBAL WARMING BY BREATHING
by R J Shulman
HOUSTON, TX – In a new report issued by Findings in Energy and National Defense, or FIEND, a think tank sponsored by Exxon/Mobil, Al Gore has been determined to be the biggest hypocrite regarding global warming. “If it turns out that there is global warming, a question which is seriously still in doubt” the report said, “Al Gore adds to it every time he breaths out carbon dioxide.”

“In fact,” says Oscar Carbondale, the scientist hired by FIEND for the study, “Al Gore adds to the warming problems every time he eats as his body coverts food into heat.” The report, which is slated to go on the road to 15 cities as a slide show, was issued today in Houston, and concluded that global warming could continue to be a possible problem until Al Gore stops breathing and eating.”

MCCAIN SAYS THAT HIS CAMPAIGN IS SAFE
By R J Shulman
LACONIA, N.H. – Despite the recent loss of chief strategist John Weaver and campaign manager, Terry Nelson, John McCain (R-Az.) remained upbeat as he made a campaign appearance at an Ace Hardware store in this quiet New Hampshire town. “I can walk into my campaign headquarters in broad daylight and feel completely safe,” said a smiling McCain as he addressed a small crowd milling around the front of the store.

“He has lost touch with reality,” said Jack Lions, a former McCain staffer, as he stood by the power sanders, “each day that passes, people in McCain's campaign offices are dropping like flies. “McCain, McShane,” said Millie Windham, a fifth grade teacher at Jefferson Middle School who walked right past the Presidential hopeful on her way to aisle three, “I came here because I heard tools were 50% off and I need a pair of pliers to open my stuck desk drawer.” “I didn’t recognize him either,” said Heather Carr, a dental technician from nearby Guilford, “I thought he was part of a Mr. Clean promotion, but Mr. Clean usually looks a little happier.”

McCain is trying to shore up his flagging campaign amidst the loss of key personnel and the disclosure that his campaign is down to its last $250,000 dollars.

HARRIET MIERS FORGETS HER APPOINTMENT WITH CONGRESS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Former White House Counsel Harriet Miers skipped a scheduled hearing in front of the House of Representatives who want to know her knowledge regarding the firings of US district attorneys. “I was so busy forgetting everything I knew about what happened at the White House,” Miers said, “that I forgot all about the time and date for the hearing.” “Besides,” she said, “it conflicted with a hair appointment and with my hair, it would be a Federal crime to miss that appointment.”

Congress is debating whether to officially hold Ms. Miers in contempt of Congress for her failure to appear. “All I can say about Congress trying to hold Harriet contemptible,” said President Bush, “it that for those Congress folks, I have nothing but the utmost contempt.”

BUSH TO DECLARE PROGRESS BEING MADE ON REPORT DUE CONGRESS ON IRAQ PROGRESS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – While not claiming that his report to congress regarding the situation in Iraq has met all its benchmarks, the President will announce the report will have “most of the stuff” that Congress wants to read about. Under a promise of anonymity, a senior White House staff member told the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch that the President wants everyone to know that reports that his report was going to be an absolute failure were premature. “There will be a bunch of pages with writing on them,” said the unnamed official, “and it looks like we got the right ink in the printer, but there will still need to be some improvements in spelling, grammar and the proper spin of the truth that we hope to have completed in time for the September report.”

“I hope that Congress can have some patience,” said President Bush, “as preparing reports is hard, hard work.” The reports requested by the newly Democratic controlled Congress will be the first after the recent Presidential order for a surge in US misinformation in Iraq.

PRESIDENT BUSH CONFUSES APPROVAL RATING
by R J Shulman



Bush trying for an approval rating of 1

WASHINGTON, D.C. – It was revealed today that President Bush has been misinterpreting his approval rating. “I thought it was like golf,” Bush said, “where the lower the score the better it is.” Bush continued, “that is why as soon as I went below 30, I thought it meant I had enough political capital to commute ol’ Scooter’s sentence.”

“This explains why the lower his approval rating, the more he thought he could do whatever he wanted,” said political pundit Frank Harvey. “I don’t know how he could have got it mixed up,” Laura Bush said, “especially since under George’s theory, Dick Cheney would be the most popular man in America, tied with Hitler and the Devil of course.”

GONZLES SAYS HE WAS NOT LYING ABOUT KNOWING ABOUT FBI VIOLATIONS

by R J Shulman

WSHINGTON D.C. - As he campainged Congress to renew the Patriot Act in 2004, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said that there were "no documented cases of civil liberties abuse." Reports just released reveal that prior to Gonzales' 2004 testimony to Congress, the FBI had sent Gonzales documents that showed the government had obtained information about United States citizens in a manner that constituted legal and procedural violaions.

"I did not lie," Gonzales said when confronted with this new evidence. "because I did not consider those so-called violations as real violations as those actions were taken in support of the war on terror." "It is clear,'' said Presidential Press Seccretary Tony Snow, "that there can be no violations of the law as long as the President approves such action and such action was decided on by our chief decider to be A-OK."

BUSH FINALLY ADMITS IT'S A CIVIL WAR

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After long denying it was a civil war, President Bush announced today that he has changed his mind. "I thought it was us aginst them terrorists," he said today, "but it looks the war between the states was a civil kind of war, 'cause I just found out that Al Quida wasn't around in 1861." Bush blaimed the error on a problem with intelligence.

"No one could have known when South Carolina seceeded from the Union that it was really a civil war," said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow. Even though he was asked several times by reporters, Bush failed to comment on the nature of the current conflict in Iraq.

BUSH ADMINISTRATION TO INVESITIGATE IRAQI BENCHMARK SLIPPAGE
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush announced that his is ordering a full-scale investigation into the apparent slippage of benchmarks that were to measure the progress of the new Iraqi government. “One day them Iraq folks were supposed to have elections, power sharing agreements and all this Cumbayah,” Bush said, “but now all they seem to have to do to meet a benchmark is to slow down the number of killings a hair or two.” The original tougher benchmarks were part of the President’s new Iraq strategy announced last January in conjunction with his call for a US troop surge.

“Someone keeps moving the benchmarks,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow. "We think its either Al Queda, Al Gore or Al Franken," Snow continued, "but regardless of which Al it is, we need to stop this benchmark slippage if we are ever going to get democracy on the march in the Middle East.”

“Unfortunately,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from deep inside a bunker at an undisclosed location, “the benchmarks may be in their final throes.”

CONGRESS VOTES TO START IMPEACHMENT PROCEEDINGS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The House of Representatives by a vote of 294 to 141, voted to start impeachment proceedings against Hilary Clinton. “The poles show she could be our next President,” said Roy Blunt, (R- Missouri), “so we better get started early.”

“Hilary has not come clean with the American people,” said Dan Burton (R-Iowa) , “while she's claimed she was upset when Bill cheated on her, we have irrefutable evidence she's lying because a lesbian wouldn’t give too hoots whether Bill was having sex with that woman.” “We know she's one of those lesbians,” said John Boehner (R-Ohio), “because we read it on the internet."

It is unknown whether there will be enough Senate votes to preemptively remove Hilary Clinton from office before she was elected, but Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.) said, “I will have to change my affiliation and declare myself a Republican to make sure that flip-flopper Hilary never gets to live in the White House again.”

SUPREME COURT RULES TO END VOTING DISCIMINIATION AGAINST CORPORATIONS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an historic 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court struck down a law that would limit the amount of contributions a corporation could make toward buying election ads on radio and television. "The heinous laws were trying to stifle the free speech that corporations enjoy under the United States Constitution that considers corporations as persons,” said Justice Alito. “So 'we the people,' means corporations," he continued, "and since people are not corporations, people are the ones who are not people under the Constitution”

“This is our Brown v. the Board of Education,” said GE CEO Jeffrey Immelt, referring the landmark decision of 1954 that ended school segregation. Ironically, in Parents v. Seattle School District just decided by the Court, Brown was virtually overturned as the court eliminated diversity as a tool to rebalance school districts.

“Voter discrimination against corporations has been institutionalized for so long,’ said talk show host Rush Limbaugh who approved of the decision, “I mean, my friends, when was the last time that a corporation was allowed to run for President? This year we have a woman and a black man running, but the liberals who control everything have unfairly blocked any corporations from running for our highest office.”

“This historic decision may not single-handedly aleviate the long history of discrimination against coporations,” said Halliburton CEO David Lesar, “but it is a good start for corporations to one day be able to sit down at the table with persons and be judged for their character, not the color of their stock certificates.”

DOCTOR SAYS LIBBY SAVED FROM FATAL HEART ATTACK WHEN HIS SENTENCE WAS COMMUTED
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Dr. Thomas Matthews, of the CDC in Atlanta, released a medical report today, which concludes that George W. Bush may have saved I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby from having a life-ending coronary when the President spared Libby from having to go to jail. Studies have indicated that a mysterious life-threatening heart ailment may develop for anyone close to Vice President Dick Cheney who has to serve jail time. "This disease seems to be brought on by the sudden urge to start talking, once jail time is eminent," Matthews said.

‘We don’t know if there is a risk of contagion from the Vice President who has his own heart problems,” said Matthews, “but, unfortunately the ‘get out of jail free’ cure was not available for close Cheney asssociate Kenneth Lay, founder of Enron, after his conviction.” Lay died of a fatal heart attack after his conviction in the Enron fraud case, but before he could plea-bargain to reduce his sentence .

FOR JULY FOURTH HOLIDAY, BUSH DECLARES HIS INDEPENDENCE FROM THE CONSTITUTION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In keeping with the theme of the July 4th holiday, President Bush announced his independence from the the United States Constitution. "If they had only told me," the President said in his statement, "that the doument that I was supposed to uphold was even older than my mother, I would never have signed that pledge."

"While the President has unoffically ignored that tyrannical document," said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, "he is now offically free of its oppressive restrictions." "What a heddy week," said Fox new's Brit Hume, "first he grants freedom to the unfairly persecuted Scooter Libby and now this declariation of ultimate freedom." Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who approved of the President's action said,"now we really don't need no stinkin' warrants."

"This brings back an old family value," said talk show host Rush Limbaugh, "more specifically a royal family value, namely, the triumphant return of the devine right of kings." "The Constitution, if you will," said Vice President Dick Cheney, face sooty from a recently burned document, "is in its final throes."

BUSH COMMUTES LIBBY'S ORIGINAL SIN
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON D.C. - Just five hours after an appeals court ordered I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby to begin his jail sentence for this conviction for perjury and obstruction of justice, President Bush not only commuted his sentence, but declared that Libby was now free from all sin. "I asked myself," Bush said in an issued statement, "what whould Jesus do? And it was clear as a bell jar, Jesus would forgive the man of all his sins." The President added that as the decider, he could do it.

"There is nothing in the Constitution that specifically prevents a President from absolving an American Citizen from all sin," said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow. "Nor anyting," Snow continued, "that prevents the President from walking on water."

‘HEY HEY PAULA’ DEBUTS TO MIXED REVIEWS
by R J Shulman
HOLLYWOOD, Cal. – Bravo Network's new reality show “Hey Hey Paula,” starring the life and times of Paula Jones, aired it first show last night to mixed reviews. “I thought it was interesting to see how the other half lives,” said investment manager Chad Sterngultz, of Greenwich, Connecticut. “Who wants to see some ugly old broad stuck in a white trash neighborhood upset that the President of the United States won’t return her phone calls. Like she has some chance with the leader of the free world,” said Selma Fernhoffer, a hair stylist from Alpharetta, Georgia

In the first episode, “The Check’s in the Mail,” Paula anxiously waits by her mailbox for a promised payment. “Those folks at the Republican National Committee,” Paula says to her friend Betty Pinehurst a waitress at nearby Razorback Diner, “promised to make me purty if I said ol’ Bubba Clinton made a pass at me. The schnozz repair was just the beginning. But my droopy eyelids, not to mention my other parts that are falling fast will cost a pretty penny.” Later, Paula in a quandary after a tornado threatens Ft. Smith, Arkansas, says, “I don’t know whether I should hide out in my trailer or the church, ‘cuz I’m not sure which one God will hit this time.”

David Grace, the creator of the show said, “’Hey, Hey Paula’ is kind of a cross between Extreme Makeover and the West Wing. It will require the type of viewers who have impeachable taste.”