CHENEY ALREADY PREPARED FOR SUBPOENA BY CONGRESS REGARDING ILLEGAL WIRETAP ALLEGATIONS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Vice President Dick Cheney announced that he already knew that his office was going to get subpoened by the Senate Judicary Committee to end what they called the "stonewalling" by Cheney's office regarding charges that the Vice President and the Justice Department have used illegal wiretaps against the American people. "I knew about this days before, so it's no big deal," Cheney said to reporters. When asked what tipped him off, Cheney said, "That's for you to know and for me to find out."

"Unfortunately, the papers that they are going to ask us for," said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, "have already been lost." When asked how he and the Vice President could have known exactly what the Congressional committee members would be asking for, Gonzales replied, "I don't recall."

CHENEY, GONZALES TO END CONGRESSIONAL FINGER POINTING
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a move to counter the increasing questioning of their job performance by Congress, Vice President Dick Cheney and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales in a preemptive strike are authorizing that each member of Congress have their fingers removed. "It will be all of their fingers," said a beaming Cheney, "so you can say, if you will, that their digits are in their final throes."

"This is perfectly legal under the Geneva Convention," said Alberto Gonzales ,"because just like the enemy combatants in the war on terror, members of congress do not wear uniforms."

"We didn't quite have enough votes to override a Republican fillibuster of a bill that would protect the fingers of Americans ," said Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, "but we will put this to a test in September when we can ask Cheney and Gonzales to show us benchmarks as to why they should not remove our hands."

CIA ADMITS SPYING ON PARIS HILTON
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - After pressure from special interest groups, the CIA has finally relesased documents regarding past discretions that have long been suspected, but never proven. The CIA documents included active plots to kill Fidel Castro and Patrice Lamumba in the 60's, spying on peace activists in the late 60's, giving LSD to unweary citizens to study their behavior and most notably for the media, spying on Paris Hilton.

"Ever since her release of that controversial video on the internet," said CIA spokesperson Michael Crutchfield, "we have been concerned about her ability to corrupt the moral fabric of the American public." The report indicated that the spying ended when Hilton was released from jail yesterday. "We hid some cameras in her cell and in the communal bathroom," Crutchfield said.

"Now you know that I was not paranoid," said Hilton after learning of the CIA's secret actions. "American has fallen on tyrannical times if a girl can no longer control her own crotch shots."

CHENEY MOVES TO ABOLISH GOVERNMENT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After being pressured to disclose information concerning his energy policy, the Valerie Plame outing and repeated requests regarding what classified data his office holds, Vice President Dick Cheney has countered by issuing a two part edict that states that he does not have to comply with any of these requests as he is not part of the Executive Branch of Government and that, beginning immediately, he has ordered the downsizing of the Federal Government. “The American people have told us repeatedly that they want smaller government,” Cheney said, “and this new policy will do just that by eliminating the entire Federal Government except me and my staff.”

“Some people have accused me of thinking I am above the law,” Cheney said, “nothing could be more preposterous as how can a person be above themselves?” “This bold new governmental structure will eliminate the strife and partisan politics that have plagued the U S Government in recent years,” said a Cheney spokesperson who refused to identify themselves. “Besides,” said another secret spokesperson, “the elimination of all those jobs and ridiculous pensions will save the taxpayer a bundle.”

Not all agree that this new plan will save money. “I don’t really see much savings,” said recently fired Government Accounting Office manager Cedric Sampson, “as the plan calls for all the money that would normally have gone to pay government salaries, Congress, and Federal Agencies and Governmental services to instead go to Halliburton to build some kind of massive structures here in the United States. It was not clear what they contemplate building,” Sampson continued, “but much of the money is slated to be used for concrete and barbed wire.”

O.J. SIMPSON TO TAKE A STAB AT PRESIDENTIAL RACE
by R J Shulman
BOCA RATON, Fla – In a surprise announcement, O. J. Simpson has announced his intention to enter the Presidential primaries. “This may be the only job I could take where my approval rating just couldn’t be lower than the last guy who had the job,” O. J. said. “If I did kill two people,” Simpson continued, “that is still way less than W who has slaughtered a lot more with all his crazy wars and shit.” When asked about his credentials for the job, O. J. said, “You got to be joking. The little Bush was just a cheerleader in college, while I was eating up the record books on the football field of battle.”

“There should be no problem with someone like O. J. Simpson becoming President,” said one unnamed Beltway political pundit. “It wouldn’t be the first time someone in the White House got away with murder.”

BUSH ADMINISTRATON TO LAUNCH PROBE TO DISCOVER WHO OUTED SCOOTER LIBBY
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D. C. - The Bush Administration announced plans to begin a full scale investigation to determine who was responsible for leaking I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby’s name to special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. The outing of Libby ultimately led to his conviction and sentencing on perjury and obstruction of justice charges and a thirty month jail sentence.

“We need to get to the bottom of the barrel to determine which person disclosicated Scooter to the press folks,” Bush said, “so I am ordering a no-holds barred like study to find the little squealer.”

“We are saddened for Scooter’s children,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “so the least we can do for them, in fact, for all the children of the world is to find and prosecute the person responsible for taking Scooter away from his beloved youngsters.”

“In the interests of bringing the truth to the American people, “said Vice President Dick Cheney, “we may have to employ the dark side, if you will. I can assure you that we have amassed the a very experienced team for that purpose.” The panel includes Attorney General Alberto Gonzales who said, “we will do what it takes to extract the truth from the guilty party, even if there may be a few thousand false leads first. Of course, I won't remember anything about it later.”

“The unfortunate sentencing of Libby occurred, my friends, ” said talk show host Rush Limbaugh, “because of the liberal media supports all the Bush haters who secretly know if you want the real culprit here, that all roads lead to Bill Clinton.”

IMMIGRATION BILL: LEGISLATION ONLY A CAVEMAN CAN UNDERSTAND
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Immigration bill that is being debated in congress is so complicated that no one seems to fully understand it’s ramifications. “I have no idea what it means,” said Senator Biden (D-Del), “but we have to do something about immigration, and it’s the only bill on tap, so I’m for it.”

“Its easy as cake,” said President Bush who is a staunch supporter of the bill, “first you have your illegally documented folks who have points if they speak gooder English than me, then they get bigger points to be a guest worker bee, but if they wear out their guest worker bee welcome for too long, they lose points, but if they are related to a friend of mine they get to pass go and get to either collect 200 or pay a fine of $5000 and then I think we send them to Iraq.”

When asked by the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch, Capital Hill insiders were unable to give a simple explanation of the bill except for Ooog Bloogugh, a visiting Caveman from Montana who seemed confident that the proposed legislation meant, “if you are stuck in another man’s cave, ultimately, your ass gets whupped.”

ANN COULTER LOOKS TO SOFTEN HER IMAGE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After receiving harsh criticism for extremely nasty comments including calling Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards a “faggot” and blaming the “9-11 widows” of being traitors, Ann Coulter has emerged with a new look. “I wanted my appearance to be more in keeping with who I really am,” she said. “I’m really a girly-girly at heart. I like pink gloves and pearl necklaces as long as they are strangling a liberal.”

“She is really a softie,” said Bill O’Reilly. “Why, she would love nothing more than to have Hillary over for dinner, cooked medium rare.” “She might prefer Michael Moore,” remarked talk show host Sean Hannity, “because Michael’s subject matter would be a little more meaty.”

IMMIGRATION BILL: NEW BUSH COMPROMISE WILL GRANT AMMNESTY TO HIS ENTIRE ADMINISTRATION
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D. C. - In a move to resurrect his comprehensive immigration reform bill from certain defeat, President Bush made changes in his proposed legislation that would remove any possible amnesty for illegal immigrants and instead grant amnesty to his entire administration. “If you want to scare the American people,” Bush said in Des Moines, Iowa at a rally to support his immigration bill, “just tell them a bill means granting amnesty to nasty people who snuck in here from the south and speak Spanish. My new bill grants amnestification to people who are not those enemy combatant kind of darker people, but, you know, more like my kind of people. Actually they are my people.”

“This new bill,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “solves the problem of the split in the Republican base over immigration. It allows the employers a shot at the low cost labor pool without having to give those people equal citizenship rights, yet moves any amnesty issues to people that base can support. Heck most of the base may need amnesty by the end of this administration.”

When asked if he supported the bill that would grant amnesty to administration officials who had violated the law, Vice President Dick Cheney said, “would you rather grant that immunity to people who were born over there or to those who were born over here?”

CHENEY CURTAILS DAYTIME APPEARANCES
By R J Shulman
CODY, Wyoming – In a move long anticipated by political insiders, Vice President Dick Cheney announced that he will be ending his daytime appearances. “He has become a liability to the President,” said Matthew Streit, Senior Media Associate of the Heritage Foundation, a Conservative think tank. “He gives the left something they can sink their teeth into, a scapegoat, a sacrificial lamb.”

“It is unfair,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “but the liberal media have so hounded the Vice President that they have frankly put a spike through the heart of his political career.”

The Vice President, who rescheduled an afternoon appearance at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, Colorado until after sundown said, “I know that some people in my position might be discouraged, if you will, that life sucks and then you die. Well I disagree…at least with the second part of that.”

DISCOURAGED WITH FIELD OF PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES, REPUBLICAN INSIDERS PLAN TO RESURECT RONALD REAGAN
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Top Republican strategists are so disheartened with the slate of potential GOP Presidential candidates, that they are planning to bring back Ronald Reagan to run in 2008. “Our front runner is an incompetent thug who cross dresses,” said Mike Duncan, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, “I mean, is it Rudy Giuliani or Judy Rudiani we got here?”

“And McCain wants to pour more troops into a losing cause in Iraq,” said Jo Ann Davidson, Co-Chairman of the RNC. “I guess poor John will always be a prisoner of war rhetoric.” “And look at the rest of the pathetic White House wannabes,” lamented Davidson, “we got half who don’t believe in evolution, and half that are so stupid they put the theory of evolution in serious doubt.”

“Reagan is like our Jesus,” said Fox Network’s conservative talk show host Bill O’Reilly, “so why not raise him from the dead?” “Reports now indicate, if you will,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from deep inside his vacation bunker somewhere in the Rockies, “that despite erroneous reports from the American hating propogandist liberal media, Ronald Reagan was not in his final throes.”

When asked how they would get past the term limit on Presidential service, Senator Mel Martinez, General Chairman of the Republican Party said, “There’s nothing in the law that specifically states that the two-term limit applies to someone who is dead. We’ll just prop him up like Weekend at Bernie’s and it will look like he’s dozing through meetings. It will be just like old times.”

DENNIS MILLER DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HIS OWN REFERENCES
by R J Shulman
NEW YORK, N. Y. – On the Larry King Live show last night, radio talk show host and comedian Dennis Miller admitted that he himself is at a loss to explain the use of his often obscure references. “Whenever I listen to a tape recording of what I have said,” Miller told King, “frankly, I have no clue what I'm talking about. It’s like Helen Keller eating Camembert cheese.” When asked to explain that remark, Miller replied, “Got me. That made about as much sense as Marcel Proust sniffing Immanuel Kant’s underpants.”

“It’s a cinch to do right wing talk radio,” Miller told Bob, a caller to Larry King Live from Lexington, Kentucky. “All I do is spout a Republican talking point, add one of my metaphors and, bingo! - I’m a hero. For example, I might say ‘we have to kill the terrorist over there in Iraq folks or they will follow us over here to America and make us feel as lonely as Robert Oppenheimer did after his dog left.” “I don’t recall Oppenheimer had a dog,” King said. “That proves my point as certain as Rosemary Clooney could read telephone poles,” replied Miller.

“Listening to you, Dennis,” said caller Doris from Greenville, North Carolina, “is like the awful feeling I get when I hear squeaky chalk scratch on a blackboard.” “Now that,” replied King, “is one metaphor I do understand.”

SENATORS VOTE NO CONFIDENCE ON THEIR OWN ABILTY TO VOTE
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D. C. - The Senate yesterday rejected a bid to vote a no confidence in Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales by voting instead to show a no confidence vote in their own capability to vote in a rational fashion.

“We fell seven votes short of showing that we know what the hell we are doing,” said Senator Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.), “but the good news is that we are making steady progress.”

“I thought we were in the clear after the vote on Gonzales failed,” said Senator Trent Lott (R-Miss), “but those dang Democrats then had us vote on whether we knew what we vote for when we do vote.”

“I thought I was voting for starting a war in Iran,” said Senator Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.), “I had no idea the vote was for whether or not I knew my ass from a hole in the ground.”

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has no immediate plans to introduce a “no confidence in voting” bill in the House, “but it will be sooner rather than later,” she said.

PARIS HILTON TO SERVE SCOOTER LIBBY’S TERM
By R J Shulman
HOLLYWOOD, Ca. – In a move that caught everyone by surprise, Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer has ordered Paris Hilton to serve out the jail sentence of I. “Scooter” Libby. “If you thought that your 30 days were rough,” said the Judge, who seemed to be angered by Ms. Hilton’s attempt to avoid jail due to a unspecified medical condition, “just see how you like serving the term of a real hard-core celebrity jailbird.” The judge then told her to go directly to Libby’s cell. Scooter Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney’s former chief of staff received a 30 month sentence for perjury and obstruction of justice.

“It’s a win-win situation,” said Nicole Ritchie, who co-stared with Paris on FOX TV’s The Simple Life. “By going to the men’s prison, not only does Paris get to avoid tough prison women who are out to kill her, but she gets an ample opportunity to make some hot new prison sex tapes for the internet.” Ritchie also noted another advantage of prison. “I hear the food is so bad, that you can’t eat it.”

A spokesman for Scooter Libby, who now has to serve Hilton's term, had a mixed reaction, “While it is nice the sentence is shorter, some of those prison gals are pretty hard core men-haters.”

“The President is pleased,” said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, “as he will not have to waste political capital to pardon Libby, but can save such pardons for the rest of his administration that are surely going to need them.”

'TONY SOPRANO’ MAY RUN FOR PRESIDENT
by R J Shulman
NORTH CALDWELL, N. J. - While not yet declaring that he is a candidate, James Gandolfini, the actor who played Tony Soprano on the popular HBO Television series, may soon throw his hat in the Presidential ring. When asked about any plans to run for the highest office, Gandolfini said "forggetaboutit.” However, insiders say that ‘Tony’ has amassed a large fortune of a ‘war chest,’ the kind that’s necessary to run for President.

“’Tony would make a great President guy,” said Edie Falco who played Tony’s wife on the TV series, “like the current President, Tony is the decider and does what he wants without being bothered by Constitutional or moral restrctions.”

Speculation has grown about a Soprano bid for the White House as polling numbers show Soprano, though unannounced, is already leading the field of Republican candidates for the 2008 election.

BUSH SH*TS HIMSELF AT G-8 SUMMIT
by R J Shulman
HEILIGENDAMM, Germany – Claiming an “upset stomach,” President Bush had to bow out of some meetings at the international summit on Friday. “Explosive diarrhea is more like it,” said recently fired White House aide Curt Wannamaker.

“It was not likely related to anything he ate,” said another aide, “as no one else got sick from the food.” One minute he was talking to Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, who asked him about why he invaded in Iraq,” said White House counselor Dan Bartlett, “and then it sounded like a bomb went off.” “I’m afraid that I ducked like a scared chicken, admitted Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva,"I thought the terrorists had followed him from over there in Iraq to over here in Germany.”

Bartlett joked that Bush had avoided the other leaders while he felt ill as a “precautionary step” as Bush did not want to follow in the footsteps of his father George H.W. Bush, who at a state dinner in Tokyo fainted and then vomited.” “I’ll let the other so-called leaders do the puking, this time,” Bush told reporters.

PRESIDENT TO PREMPTIVELY PARDON ALL REPUBLICANS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of calls from members of his own party to pardon I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, who was convicted for perjury, President Bush announced that he is preemptively pardoning every Republican for any crime they may have committed now and in the future.


Bush pardons Republican Turkey

“We know that the liberal media and activist judges have weapons of mass impeachment,” said the President, “so in order to stay the course and accomplish our mission, I am authorizing the use of forceful pardons for all Republicans.”

“These pardon’s are in no way an indication that the President has changed his position as being a tough law and order decider,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “As proof of his unwavering commitment to justice, the President will make sure Democratic Representative William Jefferson of Louisiana will serve his full sentence for bribery without the Democratic partisan plan to have a trial for Jefferson first. Moreover,” Snow said, “the President is working on re-instilling a sense of moral high ground for America by sending a bill to Congress to start re-impeachment proceedings against former President Bill Clinton.”

"After all," said a White House spokesperson, "Clinton's purjury about something as dirty as sex is worse than Scooter's purjury about something as trivial as treason.

CONTROVERSY OVER NEW CREATIONISM MUSEUM: WAS IT CREATED OR DID IT EVOLVE FROM PREVIOUS MUSEUM DESIGNS?
by R J Shulman
PETERSBURG, Ky – Not even finished, the $25 million dollar Creation Museum is already causing controversy. The question is whether the museum, which takes the Bible literally and features dinosaurs roaming the forests at the same time Eve takes a bite from an apple, was created or whether the museum is the natural evolution of natural history museums.

"This museum is entirely my creation,” said museum founder Ken Ham as he toured the sleek high tech facility set to open some time next year. However, even among creationists, there is disagreement. “Ken Ham is not the Creator,” said Zachariah Naismith of nearby Burlington, Kentucky, “only God creates things and by God, the Almighty is the one who created this museum.”

“The Creation Museum is not made out of whole cloth,” said museum historian Thaddeus Bolinsky after a tour of the 60,000 square foot facility. “It is strikingly similar in structure to previous natural history and science museums, except that in this one, there is precious little science.”

SCOOTER CRUSHED BY BUS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a freak accident that has shocked Washington insiders, Vice President Dick Cheney’s former Chief of Staff, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, was run over by a bus. “It was so scary,” said Otis Williams, a resident of the Capital. “One minute I hear the President say ‘you doin’ a heck of a job, Scooter.’ And the next thing, I see this man in a suit get pushed right under a big ass bus.”

An unnamed official says that Mr. Libby will be out of commission for about thirty months. When asked about the turn of events, Vice President Dick Cheney said, “it’s a real shame that the liberal media doesn’t report the good news in this story, such as how much better it is Scooter got run down over there instead of me getting run down over here.”

BUSH KICKED OUT OF G-8 SUMMIT
by R J Shulman
HEILIGENDAMM, Germany - In a surprise move, the members of the G-8 Summit of the industrial powers of the world voted to oust President George W. Bush from the summit. “Go ahead and join in the liberal media fun,” said a shocked and awed Bush, “and pick on George W.” “This was not personal,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel, “it’s just that the United States no longer manufactures anything. Even American flags say ‘made in China.’”

America’s place at the Summit was taken by Singapore whose rapid growth in manufacturing has now surpassed that of the US. “We are happy to be here,” said Singapore’s Prime Minister Lee Kwan Yew “and if anyone objects we will gladly cane their bare bottoms in public.”

“We will have to bomb the crap out of old Europe, if you will,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, upon hearing of the decision to remove the US, “as soon as our bombs arrive from the plant in Bangladesh.”

BUSH TO BRING BACK ANOTHER TRADTIONAL AMERICAN VALUE: THE COLD WAR
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C., - President George W. Bush heads to the G-8 summit of industrialized nations in Germany with one goal in mind. “In order to achievacate the greatness that was the American people in the1950’s,” the President said yesterday, “we need to bring back the two most important things that mattered back then, the wholesome family valueness of the Leave it to Beavers and the terror of the Cold War.”

“The President will jump start the cold war,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “with his plan to build a missile defense system as close to Russia as possible. And it seems to be working as President Vladimir Putin has become as mad as Kruschev did when he pounded his shoe at the UN.”

“Georogie is well aware that popularity rises if you are a war President,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “but since the public is getting tired of the “hot” war in Iraq, it is time to resurrect the cold war that was so successful in building the arms industry after World War II.”

“Would you rather,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, a strong supporter of any war, “have the Iron Curtain re-built over there or over here?”

PRESIDENT BUSH REPLACED BY IMMIGRANT GUEST WORKER
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D. C. - In a surprise move the Government Accounting Office replaced President George W. Bush with Jose Gutierrez, a former illegal immigrant from Los Moches, Mexico. Gutierrez is now considered a guest worker under the recently enacted immigration reform bill. “We kind of killed two birds with one stone,” said Frank Spivey, of the GAO, “we save the American taxpayer over $66,000 on the President’s salary and found a temporary job for Mr. Gutierrez.” “We feel Mr. Gutierrez is well qualified,” Spivey continued, “as like Mr. Bush, Jose has a poor grasp of English and is a recovering alcoholic who basically failed at everything he tried before he will take the highest office.”

“Some may find irony in that Mr. Bush was replaced by someone who was now allowed to legally find US employment due to a bill that Bush himself supported and signed into law,” said former Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “but this turn of events will allow George W. the chance to finally clear the brush from his ranch in Crawford.”

In a related move, Vice President Dick Cheney has been replaced by Lupe Gonzales, a newly categorized hotel guest worker from Monterrey, Mexico. “I think,” said Ms. Gonzales through an interpreter, “that I would rather clean bunkers over here in the US, than over there in Mexico.” “Not only do we save a bundle on Mr. Cheney’s salary,” said Trenton Singleton, of the GAO, “be we save a ton on medical bills as it was getting cost prohibitive trying to keep Cheney’s defective heart pumping.”

RIGHT WING TALK SHOW HOSTS LIVID THAT “TB MAN” WAS NOT ILLEGAL MEXICAN IMMIGRANT
by R J Shulman
DENVER, Colorado – National radio talk show host Michael Savage expressed anger when it was revealed that the man who is carrying the rare drug resistant tuberculosis was 31 year-old Andrew Speaker, an Atlanta Attorney, now being treated in a Denver hospital. “I have based my whole career," said Savage from his San Francisco radio studio, “on the fact that America is in danger from drug and TB infested illegal Mexicans coming into this country. Now this infected moron has ruined everything by being a white American citizen.”

“To add insult to injury,” said talk show host Bill O’Reilly, “the SOB snuck in through the Canadian border and not from the south where all the bad people are supposed to come from.” "I can't believe English is his first language," lamented Fox's Sean Hannity. “I think we should ship him to Mexico,” said Rush Limbaugh, “but first, ask him if he knows the names of any good doctors.”