PRESIDENT TO PREMPTIVELY PARDON ALL REPUBLICANS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of calls from members of his own party to pardon I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, who was convicted for perjury, President Bush announced that he is preemptively pardoning every Republican for any crime they may have committed now and in the future.


Bush pardons Republican Turkey

“We know that the liberal media and activist judges have weapons of mass impeachment,” said the President, “so in order to stay the course and accomplish our mission, I am authorizing the use of forceful pardons for all Republicans.”

“These pardon’s are in no way an indication that the President has changed his position as being a tough law and order decider,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “As proof of his unwavering commitment to justice, the President will make sure Democratic Representative William Jefferson of Louisiana will serve his full sentence for bribery without the Democratic partisan plan to have a trial for Jefferson first. Moreover,” Snow said, “the President is working on re-instilling a sense of moral high ground for America by sending a bill to Congress to start re-impeachment proceedings against former President Bill Clinton.”

"After all," said a White House spokesperson, "Clinton's purjury about something as dirty as sex is worse than Scooter's purjury about something as trivial as treason.