DISCOURAGED WITH FIELD OF PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES, REPUBLICAN INSIDERS PLAN TO RESURECT RONALD REAGAN
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Top Republican strategists are so disheartened with the slate of potential GOP Presidential candidates, that they are planning to bring back Ronald Reagan to run in 2008. “Our front runner is an incompetent thug who cross dresses,” said Mike Duncan, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, “I mean, is it Rudy Giuliani or Judy Rudiani we got here?”

“And McCain wants to pour more troops into a losing cause in Iraq,” said Jo Ann Davidson, Co-Chairman of the RNC. “I guess poor John will always be a prisoner of war rhetoric.” “And look at the rest of the pathetic White House wannabes,” lamented Davidson, “we got half who don’t believe in evolution, and half that are so stupid they put the theory of evolution in serious doubt.”

“Reagan is like our Jesus,” said Fox Network’s conservative talk show host Bill O’Reilly, “so why not raise him from the dead?” “Reports now indicate, if you will,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from deep inside his vacation bunker somewhere in the Rockies, “that despite erroneous reports from the American hating propogandist liberal media, Ronald Reagan was not in his final throes.”

When asked how they would get past the term limit on Presidential service, Senator Mel Martinez, General Chairman of the Republican Party said, “There’s nothing in the law that specifically states that the two-term limit applies to someone who is dead. We’ll just prop him up like Weekend at Bernie’s and it will look like he’s dozing through meetings. It will be just like old times.”