CIA ADMITS SPYING ON PARIS HILTON
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON, D.C. - After pressure from special interest groups, the CIA has finally relesased documents regarding past discretions that have long been suspected, but never proven. The CIA documents included active plots to kill Fidel Castro and Patrice Lamumba in the 60's, spying on peace activists in the late 60's, giving LSD to unweary citizens to study their behavior and most notably for the media, spying on Paris Hilton.

"Ever since her release of that controversial video on the internet," said CIA spokesperson Michael Crutchfield, "we have been concerned about her ability to corrupt the moral fabric of the American public." The report indicated that the spying ended when Hilton was released from jail yesterday. "We hid some cameras in her cell and in the communal bathroom," Crutchfield said.

"Now you know that I was not paranoid," said Hilton after learning of the CIA's secret actions. "American has fallen on tyrannical times if a girl can no longer control her own crotch shots."