RNC’S MICHAEL STEELE JUBILANT “WE’VE GOT SPECTOR BACK”
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – RNC Chairman Michael Steele announced today “the exciting return of Spector to the Republican party. He had an unfortunate turn with the Democrats,” Steele said, “but now he’s back. Yes, Phil Spector, record producer extraordinaire has come back into the GOP fold.”

“I’ve already gotten over Senator Arlen Specter’s defection to the Dems,” Steele said, “because who needs that old cranky coot anyway when we have Phil Spector who has worked with the Righteous Brothers, the Beatles and my main man, Ike “whats love got to do with it” Turner, may he rest in peace. Phil will help solidify the new hep urban image of today’s GOP.”

Phil Spector, who is appealing his conviction of murdering aspiring actress Lana Clarkson, said “I am switching parties because I feel that Republicans are more in line with my philosophy, you know cause the death of people and not have to take responsibility, like George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.”

Spector is currently producing a heartbreak power ballad sung by Karl Rove about Arlen Specter not being a Republican anymore called, “You’ve Lost that Loathing Feeling.”

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FOX TV WON’T CARRY OBAMA PRESS CONFERENCE-EVER
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – Fox Television network announced that it will not carry President Obama’s press conference on Wednesday and will no longer carry any future Obama appearances. “No one here at Fox voted for that Muslim who wasn’t born in the United States,” said David Evans, president of Fox Television, “so why should we allow ourselves to be used to spread the gay agenda from the lips of a man who hates American almost as much as he hates guns. How fair and balanced would that be?”

During the president’s press conferences, Fox said it will run episodes of 24. “The public is hungry to choose a strong leader,” Evans said. “So the other networks will show the apologetic wimp Obama while we will show the awesome Jack Bauer and let the American people decide what a strong no nonsense leader looks like.”

Conservative media analyst Clark Fornberg agrees with Fox. “It’s unconstitutional to show Obama so much on the TV as it is surely cruel and unusual punishment to allow Obama to get people’s hopes up, only to be dashed by reality.”

So far the other networks will carry the president’s press conference although CBS has hinted they may run the movie Rambo while ABC-TV says they are leaning toward hosting a John Wayne film festival instead.

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OUTBREAK OF SWINE FLU IN US TRACED TO RUSH LIMBAUGH
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – The World Health Organization has called it a “public health emergency of international concern. The swine flu virus has already infected millions in the United States, sparking worldwide alarm.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta has just announced they have traced the origin of the flu to talk show host Rush Limbaugh. “This is extremely troubling,” said Sarah Tinsdale of the CDC, “as Limbaugh has contact with millions of Americans every day.”

Doctors say the symptoms of the flu are getting hot under the collar with fever, the sudden inability to think for yourself, lack of appetite for the truth and diarrhea of the mouth. “One minute I started sneezing,” said Roger Wombat of Hickory, North Carolina, “and the next minute I said I wanted President Obama to fail.” “It was the swine flu that made me do it,” said Joseph Wynsocki of Lima, Ohio. “The fever took over my brain and I started to dismantle a habitat for humanity house that was slated for a welfare mother brick by brick.”

Apparently, the swine flu epidemic was the cause of thousands of infected sufferers joining together in “tea parties” to protest Obama’s tax reduction claiming it made them pay too much in taxes. “I temporarily lost the use of my brain,” said Wanda Flemming of New Rochelle, New York, who is recovering in a White Plains hospital.

“I had the radio tuned to Rush and all of a sudden I started vomiting out hatred toward poor people,” said Charlie Joe Briggs of Everett, Washington. “And I’ve been puking out garbage ever since.” Doctors at Seattle General Hospital have listed Briggs in guarded condition.

Researchers say the best way to avoid getting the swine flu is whenever you hear the sound of Limbaugh or one of his “dittoheads” is to pull a mask over your ears. Scientists are concerned over the rapid spread of the flu. “If this disease keeps infecting people at this rate,” said Dr. Lester Philpot of the CDC, “America will change from a country of decent human beings to a nation of swine.”

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CHENEY DEMANDS OBAMA RELEASE MEMOS SHOWING LYNNDIE ENGLAND ORDERED INVASION OF IRAQ
By R J Shulman
DEEP BUNKER, Wyoming – (PTSD News) – Former Vice President Dick Cheney urged President Obama to release memos Cheney claims indicate disgraced Army PFC Lynndie England not only ordered the torture of prisoners, but ordered the invasion of Iraq. “The Obama administration is deliberately trying to point the finger of blame at George W. Bush and the Republicans for all of the illegal and immoral acts of the past eight years and as being responsible for every bone-headed foreign policy decision when it was clearly all Lynndie England’s fault.”

“I wanted to follow the Geneva convention and the conventions of common human decency,” said former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “but I was ordered to sanction torture by an out of control Lynndie England.” “I had no choice but to find a legal justification of torture,” said former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, “as I was forced to do so by Lynndie, and you sure don’t want to cross her.”

“If those memos are released,” said Senator Larry Craig, “you’ll see Lynndie England was so scary, I had to turn gay.” “Who let the dogs out?” asked former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, “I’ll tell you who - Lynndie England and those dogs were so scary, I had to support the war in Iraq.”

President Obama’s office has denied they possess any so-called Lynndie memos. “This denial is more proof of Obama’s first hundred days of lying,” said Sean Hannity. “By failing to release the Lynndie memos, Obama has emboldened our enemies and made us less safe and even if he had released the memos, he would have emboldened the enemy and made us less safe.”

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CHENEY: OBAMA SHOULD BE TORTURED UNTIL HE APPROVES OF TORTURE
By R J Shulman
BUNKER, Wyoming (PTSD News) - Former Vice President Dick Cheney says that for the safety of every American, President Obama should be “interogationally enhanced” until he changes his mind and brings back the much needed torture techniques to the US arsenal in the war against terror. “Sometimes you have to go to the dark side to get someone to make the right decision,” Cheney told Neil Cavuto in Fox. “Of course, I don’t have to travel very far, as I’m already in the dark side.”

“For those of you who think that we don’t get what we want when we use torture,” said former CIA operative John Kiriakou, “just wait until Obama meets my little friend, a 250 volt friend.” “I am confident that Obama will soon be on board,” Kiriakou said, “a waterboard.”

President Obama said that he will not prosecute those that will apply the torture to him but left the door open to prosecute the lawyers who gave the go ahead to use torture.

In a related story, the possible re-instatement of the use of torture has someone cheering besides Dick Cheney. Sandford Corydon, CEO of Acme Waterboards of Waterbury, Connecticut says he may not have to declare bankruptcy and shut down his plant if his government contract is renewed. “No knowing if our company was going to survive has been pure torture.”

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COLEMAN SUES FRANKEN, CALLS HIM A SORE WINNER
By R J Shulman
MINNEAPOLIS – (PTSD News) Republican senatorial candidate Norm Coleman continued his efforts to overturn the apparent victory of Democrat Al Franken for the Minnesota senate seat by appealing yet again, this time to the United States Supreme Court. When asked if this latest round in the courts was just postponing the inevitable, that Franken simply received more votes, Coleman’s attorney Ben Ginsberg said, “no, because when a Republican fights hard to overturn a losing vote count, he is stalwart tenacious battler who stands up for his principles, while a Democrat who wants a recount, like Al Gore is just a sore loser even if it turns out later that they actually won.”

Coleman’s suit alleges that an obscure Minnesota law regulating Saturday night specials really means that it is illegal for someone who a member of Saturday Night Live to hold office. “You can be elected if you are the butt of a Saturday Night sketch like George W. Bush or Sarah Palin,” Ginsberg said, “but you can’t actually be a Saturday Night Live Special reporter, like Franken.”

While the Supreme Court has not indicated which way they might rule, Randford Chandless, a Yale law professor feels that Justice Antonin Scalia will hold that even though Franken may have received more votes, it would be unconstitutional to disenfranchise those who voted for Coleman to allow Franken to win.

Coleman said, “I am seeking justice so that Minnesota and America will have a senator who believes in fair play, quick decisions and someone who opposes the excesses of trial lawyers, unless they are my lawyers and who is against judicial activism where judges try and overturn the will of the people from the bench, unless the court decides in my favor.”

Franken has asked the Supreme Court to expedite the hearing so Minnesota can get its senate seat filled sometime before Judgment Day.

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CHENEY WORRIED OBAMA IS YAKKING WHEN HE SHOULD BE ATTACKING
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Former Vice President Dick Cheney is slamming President Obama’s efforts to change the tone of America’s international presence. “While Obama is holding out the olive branch of dialogue to our enemies, they are making plans to stab us in the back,” Cheney said. “I know because it is what I would do.”

“I am very concerned for America’s safety due to this president’s showing of weakness,” Cheney said. “In fact, I know of at least a dozen ways that terrorists can successfully attack the United States and have shown just how this can happen in a step by step report.” “I am so impressed with the bravery and patriotism of our former vice president,” said talk show host and Republican head honcho Rush Limbaugh, “that I have posted his step-by-step scenario of how terrorists can cause havoc here in America on my new website obamamustfail.com.”

“President Obama should be shooting and not saluting Hugo Chavez and all the Castros in sight,” said Cheney, “but he chooses to shake hands rather than shake entire continents with our might. The only conclusion I can draw over Obama’s pathetic actions is that he must either be a terrorist appeasing communist coward or gay, perhaps both.”

Dick Cheney’s full comments can be found on his new website, cheneysnottoblame.com.

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PELOSI: IMPEACHMENT IS BACK ON THE TABLE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) – Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi announced today that she is putting impeachment back on the table. “This is to show our willingness to be bi-partisan,” Pelosi told reporters, “This in not impeachment of Bush or Cheney, as bygones should be bygones. And since we need to move forward, it would be impeachment of Barack Obama.”

“I support this move,” said Newt Gingrich, “Obama hasn’t fixed the economy, hasn’t turned the Middle East into one big America and Christian loving democracy, he hasn’t disarmed North Korea or brought back Plymouth and the Oldsmobile. He should be impeached.” “It will be hard to know which reason to impeach Barack Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Obama first,” said commentator Michael Savage, “but even worse than calling conservative patriots who want to overthrow his communist regime terrorists, is the simple fact that his middle name is Hussein.” “The real reason he should be impeached is that he didn’t get a dog from the pound but got a purebred instead,” said John Boehner, House Minority leader. “It just makes me weep to think of all the pound kitties and pups that will have to die horrible deaths because Americans will follow Obama’s lead and get pure-breds instead.”

“Serves him right to get impeached,” said Bill O’Reilly “as all right thinking Americans don’t want a president who is planning on making everyone pledge allegiance to the Koran as their guns are confiscated.” “If Obama is impeached and removed from office,” said Governor Rick Perry of Texas, “then the Lone Star State won’t have to secede from the Union.”

“This is proof that sending out our minions to a grass roots tea party worked,” said Glenn Beck. “Just one week after we tea-bagged Obama, he’s getting impeached.” “What I want to knowicate about this re-impeachment stuff,” said former President George W. Bush, “is just what kind of table impeachment is being put back on.” “I hope it’s a folding table,” said an unidentified Obama supporter.

President Obama did not comment on impeachment as he was too busy solidifying international relationships with foreign leaders and working on the banking crisis.

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FOX NEWS: OBAMA VISITS LATIN AMERICA TO HELP COMMUNIST AUTHOR
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) Fox News is reporting that the main reason President Obama visited our neighbors to the south these past few days was to re-ignite the career of Uruguayan Edwardo Galeano, author of Open Veins of Latin America. “This communist book was an obscure piece of anti-American trash stuck at 60,280 on the best seller list behind Rush Limbaugh’s classics and My Pet Goat,” said Sean Hannity. “Then Obama shakes hands with pinko Hugo Chavez in exchange for the book and it zooms to number 14, even ahead of my book.”

“Obama has traded in the future of America to shamelessly pitch a known subversive’s book that every fair and balanced American knows should be burned from coast to coast,” said Neil Cavuto. “The next think you know he is going to shake Marilyn Chamber’s hand to promote porn stars.” When Cavuto was told Chambers had just died he said, “so Obama will promote movies about the dead porn stars.”

Not everyone is convinced that Obama visited Latin America to promote Galeano’s book. “The real reason Barack Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Obama went to Mexico and Latin America,” said conservative commentator Michael Savage, “was to buy drugs and to invite tuberculosis infested criminals down there to become illegal aliens through our porous borders to promote Acorn’s voter recruitment for mentally diseased liberal candidates. And by the way, did I remember to tell you this man’s middle name is Hussein?”

“It’s no surprise the liberal media has missed this entire story,” said Bill O’Reilly, “as they are too busy reading and agreeing with that commie’s book.” “Because Obama has become nothing more than a commie book peddler,” said Governor Rick Perry of Texas, “its time for the Lone Star State to secede.”

When asked about his successor’s trip to Latin America, former President George W. Bush said, “you’ve got to be kidding. I can’t believe that Gelato’s leftist book is outselling My Pet Goat.”

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RIGHT WING INCENSED OVER HOMELAND SECURITY REPORT SAYING THEY ARE INCENSED
By R J Shulman
FREEMAN CITY, Montana (PTSD News) Right wing groups have sharply criticized a Homeland Security report that finds that America faces a threat from extreme right wing groups who may try and attract returning Iraq war veterans and use the recession and the election of the first African-American president as recruiting tools. “Just how many government buildings will we have to blow up to prove we are not a terrorist threat?” asked Blake Forrester, commander of the East Montana Freemen, an ultra-conservative group.

“President Bush had it right when he was going after those terrorist, troop-hating Quaker bake sale moms who were against the war,” said commentator Glenn Beck. “But to call right wing groups on the ready to overthrow the creeping socialist government of Obama as a threat to democracy is just plain nuts.”

“Timothy McVeigh was just expressing his God given right to an opinion,” said talk show host Michael Savage, “but those enviro-fascist tree huggers who say there is global warming should be shot on the spot. And just to make them happy we’ll paint the bullets green.”

“We may need to secede from the Union,” said Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, “we’ve had enough of those liberals in Washington maligning our good old American patriotic organizations, like the KKK.”

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin announced today that she will be giving out a $150 reward for anyone who brings her the severed left hand of any liberal who, “has the false notion that conservatives are blood-thirsty and violent.”

“The liberal media claim that conservatives are being encouraged to threaten America is completely unfounded,” said Sean Hannity, who will be hosting a new Fox News special called, “Just When Will That America Hating Negro in Our White House Confiscate Your Guns, Bibles, and Anti-Gay Signs and Force Your Virgin Daughters to be Shipped To His Muslim Brothers for Their Harems.”

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TEA BAGS HEADED FOR PROTEST CAPTURED OFF SOMALI COAST
By R J Shulman
MOGADISHU, Somalia (PTSD News) Ships carrying tea originating in China were captured by pirates off the coast of Somalia causing a shortage of tea bags for a conservative “tea party.” Fox News and powerful Republican support groups had organized a “grass roots” tax and spend protest to coincide with tax day, loosely based upon the Boston Tea Party of 1773.

“We believe that President Obama directed the pirates to attack the ships carrying the tea bags, said Fox news anchor Neil Cavuto. “We need a Congressional investigation to determine just when Obama joined the Somali pirates,” said Newt Gingrich.

A shortage of tea bags did not dampen the revolutionary spirits of some protesters. “I was not going to let a shortage of tea bags stop me from expressing my personal views,” said Dwayne Stump of Charlotte, North Carolina. “So when Fox told us to protest, I used garbage bags. You should see all the plastic floating in the river – enough to choke Al Gore.” “I didn’t like the previous bailout under Bush,” said Frank Hawke, “but when Fox gave us the OK to protest bailouts under Obama, that’s when you can count me in.”

Gail Huck of Johnson City, Tennessee said “Fox told me when W was giving all that money to Halliburton it was to keep us safe from terrorists, but Fox says the money Obama is spending is to give my hard earned money, if I still had my job, of course, to welfare mothers to buy crack and Kanye West CDs. So that is why I protesting.”

When asked how it was that 99% of the protestors actually were now paying lower taxes under Obama’s plan than they were under Bush, tea party spokesman Glenn Beck said, “Just like math, facts have a liberal bias.” A quick survey showed that the 1% who might pay higher taxes starting in 2011 were the high paid Fox News employees and the wealthy GOP supporters who called for the protest rallies.

In some parts of the South, protesters wore hoods. “We may not have had enough of them tea bags,” said Harley Koonce, of Opp, Alabama, “so we just used our trusty white sheets instead.”

“All in all, I think telling our followers to have a spontaneous grass roots protest was a success,” said Sean Hannity. “It was especially effective to tell them that Obama’s confiscation of those tea bags was the first step in his plan to confiscate their guns, their bibles and all of their gay bashing literature.”
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MASSACHUSETTS TO MAKE SEXTING PUNISHABLE BY PILLORY
By R J Shulman
BOSTON – (PTSD News) Massachusetts became the first state in the union to specifically outlaw sexting, that is the sending of graphic pictures of oneself over the phone, a practice now rampant with teens. “We needed put an end to this immoral behavior, said Hal Winslow Thorpe a Republican from Haverhill who introduced the legislation, “and what better way to recapture good traditional American family values than to punish the sinners by putting them in a pillory in the town square or village green.”

“I can once again feel proud to be a Massachusian,” said Reverend Jonathan Edwards of the Plymouth Congregational Church, “with all this gay marriage and other heathen liberal stuff our state was getting such a bad name that it looked like we'd have to get Mayflower movers to haul us back to England so we could live moral lives.” “I like this kind of public humiliation type of punishment,” said Representative Standish Blake of Worcester, “I intend to make it the law that women who commit adultery wear a large letter A on their chest. And it is no accident that pillory rhymes with Hillary,” he added.

This anti-sexting law may be the new trend as Idaho is contemplating a similar bill. “We need to take a strong and wide stance against sexting,” said Larry Craig, “and I for one want our bill to allow for tap tap taping into the phones of young people so we can see just how deliciously sinful those young men are before we punish them.”

“I feel this imminent sense of connecting with our great colonial past,” said Putnam Brewster, Mayor of Beverly, “that I am rounding up a band of fellows to raid the Pequot Indians. I hear they have a lot of wampum down there in Foxwoods.”

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PIRATES APOLOGIZE TO LIMBAUGH: WE FAILED AT MAKING OBAMA FAIL
by R J Shulman

MOGADISHU, Somalia (PTSD News) The remaining pirate who was captured after three of his companions were killed by Navy snipers, made a public apology. “I am most sorry to have failed to bring down failure on President Obama, as El Rushbo asked us to do,” said Sagal Waabbiri through an interpreter. Captain Richard Phillips was held captive by Somali pirates after they had boarded the Maersk Alabama cargo ship.

“Those idiots botched it up,” Limbaugh said. “They were supposed to succeed in their mission to take the ship and certainly not let the captain get away. They were supposed to make Obama look bad, pure and simple.”

“I don’t think Limbaugh really meant he wanted Obama to personally fail, “said GOP Chairman Michael Steele, “he just wants Obama’s policies to fail.” Steele later apologized to Limbaugh correcting his statement and said, “yep, Mr. Limbaugh does want Obama to fail.”

“We need a catastrophe on Obama’s watch, and I don’t mean an oxycontin shortage although that is truly catastrophic,” Limbaugh said. “I am working on a plan to have our financial system completely tank and for America to be attacked by terrorists with hundreds of American’s killed. Then we can blame Obama.”

In a related story, Bernie Madoff also apologized to Limbaugh. “I am sorry I got caught when I did. I planned to totally ruin the economy so it could be blamed on Obama. “I also apologize to Mr. Limbaugh,” said Osama Bin Laden on his latest tape. “For him I was going to make another attack on America to make Obama look bad, but my men didn’t believe Mr. Limbaugh could get them 72 virgins.”

CNN, ABC and NBC have also apologized to Limbaugh for not presenting Obama in a spectacularly unfavorable light. “It is inexcusable that these communist networks continue their love affair with Obama. It’s about time to break the engagement.”

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GINGRICH MAKES BITING REMARKS ABOUT THE OBAMAS’ NEW PUPPY
By R J Shulman
ATLANTA (PTSD News) Former Republican House Speaker Newt Gingrich attacked the press’ coverage of the Obama family’s new puppy, a six month old Portuguese Water Dog named Bo. “Who gives a poop about a damn president’s puppy,” Gingrich said on ABC-TV’s “This Week.” “The press is barking up the wrong tree. Americans want to know important things, such as does Obama wear his flag pin in the shower, or just how long Michelle Obama has been hating America or most importantly, Americans want to know just when Obama will be coming to their house to personally confiscate their guns.”

“As soon I heard it was Senator Ted Kennedy who gave the mutt to the Obama’s, I knew everything I needed to know about that dog,” Gingrich said. “It’s going to lift its left leg and pee all over good Christian conservative values.”

“Bo, is a wonderful puppy that the girls and I love,” said Michelle Obama. “Unfortunately, Mr. Gingrich doesn’t know diddly about Bo.”

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CONSERVATIVE TALK SHOW HOST TO DEFEND AGAINST WAR ON EASTER
By R J Shulman
McGHEE, Mississippi (PTSD News) Conservative talk show host Cliff Hargus has named himself the “general” to defend against the War on Easter. “While everybody has their troops out defending the War on Christmas, they have left Easter completely unprotected,” Hargus said. “If we are not ready, those liberals will surely crucify Easter.”

Hargus, who was once syndicated on over 100 stations, but is currently heard only on WKKK in McGhee, believes Easter is the next logical target. “If those liberal heathens think there is nothing wrong with ripping the baby Jesus from public displays all over this great country, what will stop them from crushing Easter eggs and attacking little colored bunnies and chicks before they are old enough to be shot and eaten? If Bill O’Reilly has made a name for himself defending against the War on Christmas, then what better way to resurrect my career than to lead the defense against the War on Easter.”

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AIG CEO LIDDY CALLS ON OBAMA TO RESIGN
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) AIG CEO Edward M. Liddy asked President Obama to step down, AIG staffers said. “We don’t think his recovery plan is working fast enough,” Liddy told reporters in the rock garden outside AIG headquarters. “We need the kind of leadership in Washington that will not get in the way of the movers and shakers making money, piles on money. Liddy added, “We need policies that not only help American Corporations be competitive in the world, but most importantly we need a leader who knows that job one is to protect executive bonuses.”

“Obama being gracious enough to leave office would be a good thing,” said former Secretary of State Henry Paulson who is now back as his firm, Goldman Sachs, “America is just too big to fail.” “We that that we, the government had purchased a controlling interest in AIG,” said current Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner, “but it looks like it was the other way around.”

No word from the White House whether President Obama has agreed to leave the presidency.

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GOP NEW BUDGET PROPOSAL: IT’S TIME TO PROVE HOOVER WAS RIGHT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON (PTSD News) House Republicans unveiled more details about their “alternative” budget today, reflecting the newest strategy of the GOP. “The purpose of this budget is to show that President Hoover was right and FDR was dead wrong,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner. “This budget calls for complete deregulation of everything corporate, total elimination of taxes for the wealthy, outlawing of unions, and the end to all social programs starting with social security. If that commie FDR, who we now know was born in Stalingrad, hadn’t messed with Hoover’s plan, we could have avoided the great depression, been on the right side in WWII and been prosperous from the 50s on forward and not have had to wait until George W. Bush finally got America on the right financial track.”

The new GOP “road way-back to recovery” balances the budget by requiring all families that received welfare to pay it back with credit card like interest, while allowing employers to hire undocumented workers at market wages until either the illegal alien dies or escapes back to their country of origin. It also grants relief for beleaguered financier to help them make their yacht payments.

Another provision, called the Fair Wages Act, makes sure US workers are paid the same as their counterparts in Singapore and Indonesia. “Those hypocritical liberals that glorify the poor downtrodden foreign worker are the very same liberals who refuse to work at those people’s wages,” said Representative Bill Archer of Texas. “This budget will make them put their money where their mouth is, all 18 cents an hour worth.”

“One of the most important aspects of this budget is something that will bring America back to the basic values that created our wealth,” said Representative Bob Inglis of South Carolina, “and that American value is slavery.”

“Rich people have worked hard for their inheritance,” said Robertson Winthrop of the Heritage Foundation. “and this budget rewards them for all their efforts.” The GOP budget cuts may federal programs, such as the Judicial branch. “We don’t need no stinkin’ judges,” said Sonny Callahan of Alabama, “especially no stinkin’ Marxist activist judges.”

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IOWA STRIKES DOWN BAN ON GAY MARRIAGE, HETERO DIVORCE RATES SKYROCKET
By R J Shulman

DES MOINES - (PTSD News) - Just moments after the Iowa Supreme Court unanimously legalized same sex marriage, the number of divorces filed in Iowa courts soared to record levels. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Clara Therlow, court clerk in Des Moines county, “Divorces have increased by 575% in just one week.”

“One minute me and Marge was happy like two pigs in slop,” said Vern Unger a farm equipment salesman from Shenandoah, Iowa, “but as soon as we heard that queers can marry, our marriage just fell apart.” “I hope those homo-loving justices are happy now,” said Reverend Ned Claussen, pastor of the First Church of the Flaming Christ of Fort Dodge. “ Just in my parish alone we lost close to 50% of our good marriages and that’s just in one week since that unfortunate ungodly court decision.”

“We have noticed a sharp rise in domestic violence since the ban on gay marriage was shattered,” said Kurt Schoenbrenner, Chief of the Des Moines Police, “these days, one man and one woman seem to be going at it like Bill Maher and Ann Coulter.”

“You don’t have to look far to hear tales of woe caused by this bad decision,” said Cap Linney of Marriages And Gay Guys Offend Thee, or MAGGOT a religious conservative group opposing same sex unions. He may be right. Tiny Sloat of Ames said, “my marriage had survived infidelity, physical violence, physical disgust, lies, deception and extreme boredom, but this gay marriage thing busted up our marriage quicker than a North Carolina Tar Heel fast break.” “Thanks to these communist judges my sex life is over,” said Thomas Guice a fireman from Davenport, “’cause now when I try and be conjugal with my wife all I can think about are hard masculine abs and he-man buns.”

Bryan English, a spokesperson from the Iowa Family Policy Center, a group opposing same sex marriages said many Iowans are very upset with the activist judges’ ruling and will need to console themselves with farm animals. “I would hate to be some unsuspecting sheep right now,” English said.

Many gay and lesbian couples celebrated the court’s ruling, but many groups opposed to gay marriage are already planning to change the Iowa Constitution. “I ask myself what would Jesus do if he was thinking about which sex to marry but then again it was bad for me to think of Jesus thinking of sex,” said James Carney of Iowa City, “this gay marriage thing has pushed my mind over to the dark side."

“And what is wrong with the dark side?” said Dick Cheney.

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FOX NEWS EXCLUSIVE: OBAMA MADE SECRET VISIT TO MECCA
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) In an exclusive report, Fox News claims that President Obama made a clandestine pilgrimage to Mecca during his first trip to the Middle East. “We have proof that Barack Obama used a look alike to stand in for him at the end of his Turkish visit,” said Brit Hume, “This allowed the president to go to Mecca as required by his Muslim faith. That is why he suddenly appeared later in Baghdad as its right next door to Mecca.”

“The only reason Obama wanted to go to the Middle East was to visit Islamic holy sites and to pass American secrets to Islamofascist terrorists,” said Bill O’Reilly. “You didn’t see him visit our ally Israel, no, all he wanted to do was visit with our enemies, Turkey, Iraq and France.”

“If you look closely, you'd see he's exchanged his phony flag pin with one that has the crescent on it, the sign of the Islamic America hating terrorist,” said Glenn Beck. “And it is no accident that his disappearances five times each day coincide with Muslim prayer schedules.”

“Why aren’t the legitimate news networks reporting this?” said Sean Hannity. “This is not only my lead story, it is my only story.” “I hope Obama’s mission to Mecca is a failure,” said Rush Limbaugh, “unless he brings me back a tub of oxycontin.” “We better impeach this monster,” said Representative John Boehner, “otherwise this fear monger will take away our guns and turn our holy churches into mosques.”

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ALASKA’S MT. REDOUBT ERUPTS AGAIN, LAVA HEADED FOR LOUISIANA
By R J Shulman

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (PTSD News) – In what geologists are calling a strange occurrence, Mt. Redoubt erupted again, but instead of the usual smoke and ash, the volcano has sent forth a narrow stream of lava headed in a south easterly direction. “I’ve never seen anything like it,’ said geologist Craig Tillson of the University of Washington. “This stream of lava seems to have a mind of its own and if it continues on its present course, it will cross eight states and make a direct hit on the Governor’s Mansion in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.”

“Boy, if that’s not proof of intelligent design,” said Reverend Clay Townsend of the First Baptist Church of Monroe, Louisiana. “Our Governor made fun of spending money to study volcanoes and the next thing you know, he’s right in the path of one.” Townsend is referring to Governor Bobby Jindal’s response to President Obama’s address in February in which Jindal said, “Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is an eruption of spending.”

Alaska’s Governor, Sarah Palin did not condemn volcano research, but did agree government spending was out of control, citing wasteful projects such as hurricane monitoring. Strangely, in a related story, an unusual tropical-like storm was forming in the Gulf of Alaska heading northeast toward Wasilla.

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NORTH KOREA LAUNCHES LONG RANGE ROCKET WITH 100,000 MILE/TEN YEAR WARRANTY
By R J Shulman
Pyongyang, North Korea – (PTSD News) - Despite threats of retaliation from the United States, at 11:30 a.m. on Sunday, North Korea launched a long range missile with a twist - they are guaranteeing the rocket for 100,000 miles or ten years. “This bold defiance of the excepted standards of the world community is a threat to the global missile makers community,” said Charles Kramer, president of the World Missile Manufactures.

Experts say North Korea extended missile warranty will wreak havoc with America’s big three missile makers. “If we are not immediately bailed out by Congress,” said Lance Blowfield of General Missiles, “we will have to declare bankruptcy.” “We cannot take this situation lightly,” said President Obama, from Paris where he was in a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy, “if we allow our domestic missile industry to die, we will lose jobs which will further depress the economy.” President Sarkozy suggest that Obama immediately surrender, “In France, the white flag allows us to forget about the expenses of war so we can concentrate of what we French people do best, make wine and cheat on our spouses.”

“If we don’t make our own missiles in America anymore, we would have to get them from China” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, “This could be embarrassing if we needed these weapons to protect Taiwan from Chinese aggression and had to ask the Chinese to send us some rockets to be used against them.” “The Americans shouldn’t be so upset about getting their rockets from China,” said Fa Ho Shin, of the Chinese embassy, “after all, rockets were invented by the Chinese.”

“It may be too late in that our weapons manufacturing has been mostly outsourced already,” said General Brian Capstone, commander of the White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico. “We had a malfunction the other day. We called tech support and got some guy named Chuck in India. I couldn’t understand a damn word of what he was saying and our next test missile went haywire and almost took out El Paso.

“The problem with our missile industry can clearly be laid at the door of the MWA or Missile Workers of America union which has made it too costly to make missiles in the US,” said Senator John McCain. “We are going to need for the workers to make concessions by accepting lower pay and safety standards.”

“We can’t keep looking to old fossil fuels to power our missile program,” said Al Gore to a joint session of Congress. “We have to come up with new earth friendly sources of energy for our missiles like wind and solar so we can be more green when we blow up the rest of the world.”

KCNA, the North Korean News agency touted their new missile as having the highest crash test rating in the world. “No other missile has been crashed more times than our Super Nice Kim Jung-Il Ultra Rocket,” said Sin Son Ho, North Korean ambassador to the United Nations.” US intelligence agrees, cofirming that the missile crashed harmlessly into the ocean just east of Japan.

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SOCIALISM REARS ITS UGLY HEAD IN NORTH DAKOTA FLOOD CRISIS
By R J Shulman
FARGO, North Dakota (PTSD News) Thousands of normally good capitalistic American citizens in and around Fargo, North Dakota turned socialist under the threat of the swollen Red River which finally crested at 41 feet. “Instead of taking care of their own responsibilities and pulling themselves up by their bootstraps,” said talk show host Glenn Beck, “these weak-minded people were frightened into helping each other out, sometimes in cahoots with government officials.”

It’s no accident these people were attacked by the Red River as everyone knows commies are red,” said Karl Sloane of Moorhead, Minnesota. “This rampant sand-bagging that went on here is symbolic of just how them pinkos withhold information, like their plans to take over the USA,” said Willis Reardon of North Fargo who refused to help with the sandbagging efforts. “Just because these people may have saved my house doesn’t mean I have to like them.”

“Using tax dollars to fight the flood is just the first step of this creeping socialism,” said Bill O’Reilly. “The next thing you know we are stuck with socialized medicine. And with all this talk about dykes stopping the flooding, you know there were some serious communist lesbians involved.”

“This is a conspiracy of the worst kind,” said Carlton Hammond of the Heritage Foundation, “After this is over, we are going to have to send in some right thinking counselors and shrinks to work with the victims so they will remember that people are not supposed to help each other, and that government is not here to bail out basements, only corporations like AIG that are too big to fail.”

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FOX NEWS CLAIMS OBAMA “PIMPED” MICHELLE TO QUEEN
By R J Shulman
LONDON – (PTSD News) – Fox News claims it has proof that President Obama tried to win favor with the British by selling his wife to Queen Elizabeth. “That disgusting hug between the Queen and Michelle Obama is absolute proof that Barack pimped out his wife to the Queen,” said Sean Hannity. “Obama has no new ideas or economic plans so he tried to cover that up by offering the sexual favors of his wife to a known lesbian queen.”

“This is the first step in the lesbo-fascist take over of the world,” said Bill O’Reilly, “where these man hating feminists want to socialize the world into neutered eunuchs.” “We don’t hate all men,” replied Meg Holcomb of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance, “we just hate Bill O’Reilly.”

“It’s bad enough that Obamarama is a terrorist godless Muslim communist with a Christian preacher who hates America,” said talk show host Michael Savage, “but to sink to the level of pimping out your wife has undoubtedly destroyed the institution of marriage forever.”

The Fox report also rips the Obamas for giving the Queen an iPod saying it was filled with anti-American war songs such as Imagine by John Lennon as well as riot-inciting hip-hip artists such as Beyonce. An Obama spokesperson said that the iPod was filled with Broadway show tunes. “Those show tunes are all part of the gay agenda,” said Laura Ingraham, “as everybody knows queens like to give show tunes to other queens.”

“We need a new American Revolution to remove those despicable characters who have usurped the legitimate authority of George W. Bush,” said Glenn Beck. “They have degraded the office that Bush worked so hard to keep up its integrity.”

“What I want to know is what I will tell my 8 year old daughter when she sees that shameless display of girl-on-girl affection between Michelle Obama and Queen Elizabeth,” said Nan Chalmers of Wichita, Kansas. “Now, I’m afraid to send little Shawna to gym class.”

While there has been some discussion about the physical contact between Queen Elizabeth and Michelle Obama in England, most British people contacted by the Post Times Sun Dispatch seemed to me more concerned with solving problems such as the global economy.

The Fox New report will air tomorrow at 9:00 pm EDT.

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MADONNA SHORTS OUT THE AMBER ALERT SYSTEM
By R J Shulman
ALEXANDRIA, Virginia (PTSD News) Officials at the Justice Department have told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that the Amber Alert program has been so inundated with reports of missing children, that its main computer systems have suffered a near meltdown. “We traced the problem of the extraordinary number of Amber Alert missing children squarely to Madonna,” said Clark Waverly, a Justice Department official. “Angelina Jolie put a strain on the system, but it was no match for all those children Madonna has stolen for ‘adoption.’”

When contacted about her seemingly endless child adoptions, Madonna said, “Mine, mine, mine!” “You better lock all your windows and doors,” said Dion Wilson of High Point, North Carolina, whose missing three year old daughter, Brennie was located in Madonna’s Hollywood mansion, “’cause that practically naked lady will steal your kid, too.” “These days when a child goes missing,” said Sergeant Ed Barton of Waxahachie, Washington, “the first person we check out is that Material girl, if you catch my drift.”

“The reason we break to pieces,” said Jesus Luz, Madonna’s 22 year old Brazilian ex-boyfriend, “is that she as crazy as a mad hen taking all the other chickens’ eggs to sit on.” “We are happy that Madonna wants to adopt children,” said Millicent Ferguson of the National Adoption Organization, “but she should just chill a little and wait to go through the proper procedures to adopt a child like everybody else.”

Seth Baum of the Justice Department said the Amber Alert system should be back and running by Friday unless, “Madonna goes over the borderline and goes child crazy again.”

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