IOWA STRIKES DOWN BAN ON GAY MARRIAGE, HETERO DIVORCE RATES SKYROCKETBy R J Shulman
DES MOINES - (PTSD News) - Just moments after the Iowa Supreme Court unanimously legalized same sex marriage, the number of divorces filed in Iowa courts soared to record levels. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Clara Therlow, court clerk in Des Moines county, “Divorces have increased by 575% in just one week.”
“One minute me and Marge was happy like two pigs in slop,” said Vern Unger a farm equipment salesman from Shenandoah, Iowa, “but as soon as we heard that queers can marry, our marriage just fell apart.” “I hope those homo-loving justices are happy now,” said Reverend Ned Claussen, pastor of the First Church of the Flaming Christ of Fort Dodge. “ Just in my parish alone we lost close to 50% of our good marriages and that’s just in one week since that unfortunate ungodly court decision.”
“We have noticed a sharp rise in domestic violence since the ban on gay marriage was shattered,” said Kurt Schoenbrenner, Chief of the Des Moines Police, “these days, one man and one woman seem to be going at it like Bill Maher and Ann Coulter.”
“You don’t have to look far to hear tales of woe caused by this bad decision,” said Cap Linney of Marriages And Gay Guys Offend Thee, or MAGGOT a religious conservative group opposing same sex unions. He may be right. Tiny Sloat of Ames said, “my marriage had survived infidelity, physical violence, physical disgust, lies, deception and extreme boredom, but this gay marriage thing busted up our marriage quicker than a North Carolina Tar Heel fast break.” “Thanks to these communist judges my sex life is over,” said Thomas Guice a fireman from Davenport, “’cause now when I try and be conjugal with my wife all I can think about are hard masculine abs and he-man buns.”
Bryan English, a spokesperson from the Iowa Family Policy Center, a group opposing same sex marriages said many Iowans are very upset with the activist judges’ ruling and will need to console themselves with farm animals. “I would hate to be some unsuspecting sheep right now,” English said.
“One minute me and Marge was happy like two pigs in slop,” said Vern Unger a farm equipment salesman from Shenandoah, Iowa, “but as soon as we heard that queers can marry, our marriage just fell apart.” “I hope those homo-loving justices are happy now,” said Reverend Ned Claussen, pastor of the First Church of the Flaming Christ of Fort Dodge. “ Just in my parish alone we lost close to 50% of our good marriages and that’s just in one week since that unfortunate ungodly court decision.”
“We have noticed a sharp rise in domestic violence since the ban on gay marriage was shattered,” said Kurt Schoenbrenner, Chief of the Des Moines Police, “these days, one man and one woman seem to be going at it like Bill Maher and Ann Coulter.”
“You don’t have to look far to hear tales of woe caused by this bad decision,” said Cap Linney of Marriages And Gay Guys Offend Thee, or MAGGOT a religious conservative group opposing same sex unions. He may be right. Tiny Sloat of Ames said, “my marriage had survived infidelity, physical violence, physical disgust, lies, deception and extreme boredom, but this gay marriage thing busted up our marriage quicker than a North Carolina Tar Heel fast break.” “Thanks to these communist judges my sex life is over,” said Thomas Guice a fireman from Davenport, “’cause now when I try and be conjugal with my wife all I can think about are hard masculine abs and he-man buns.”
Bryan English, a spokesperson from the Iowa Family Policy Center, a group opposing same sex marriages said many Iowans are very upset with the activist judges’ ruling and will need to console themselves with farm animals. “I would hate to be some unsuspecting sheep right now,” English said.
Many gay and lesbian couples celebrated the court’s ruling, but many groups opposed to gay marriage are already planning to change the Iowa Constitution. “I ask myself what would Jesus do if he was thinking about which sex to marry but then again it was bad for me to think of Jesus thinking of sex,” said James Carney of Iowa City, “this gay marriage thing has pushed my mind over to the dark side."
“And what is wrong with the dark side?” said Dick Cheney.
FOR THE IMPORTANT NEWS PTSD RECOMMENDS THAT YOU VISIT CITIZENS FOR LEGITIMATE GOVERNMENT AT http://www.legitgov.org/
posted by R.J. Shulman @ 7:14 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home