TOP TEN STORIES OF THE NEW YEAR
by R J Shulman

SANTA FE, New Mexico (PTSD News) Rather than wait for these stories to break, the Post Times Sun Dispatch with its vast and exclusive resources presents the biggest headlines of the new year:

1. BUSH FINALLY FINISHES “MY PET GOAT,” SAYS SURPRISE ENDING WORTH THE WAIT

2. OBAMA INAUGURATED; SOUTH CAROLINA SECEDES FROM THE UNION

3. TO BALANCE ITS NEWS REPORTING, FOX HIRES MICHAEL SAVAGE, HITLER AND SATAN

4. REVEREND RICH WARREN SORRY HE EQUATED GAYS WITH PEDOPHILES AND BESTIALITY, SAYS HE MEANT TO EQUATE GAY BASHERS WITH PEDOPHILES AND BESTIALITY

5. REPUBLICANS FILIBUSTER EVERY BILL PRESENTED: MEDIA BLAMES DEMOCRATIC DO-NOTHING CONGRESS

6. PALIN CATCHES HUSBAND WITH LIPSTICK ON COLLAR; TODD CLAIMS IT WAS ONLY A PIG

7. HD/DIGITAL TELEVISION FLOPS, TECHNOLOGY OK, PROGRAMMING STINKS

8. PAULSON FINALLY ADMITS WHERE BAILOUT MONEY WENT: MADOFF GOT IT

9. GM PRODUCES ITS FIRST PEDAL CAR, THE CHEVY GRUNT, SELLING FOR $80,000

10. CUBS WIN WORLD SERIES, END IS NEAR

TOP TEN PTSD STORIES OF 2008
by R J Shulman

SANTA FE, New Mexico (PTSD News) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch, which strives to bring you the news that the corporate media chooses to ignore, announces the ten most important stories of 2009:


1. Tuesday, November 04, 2008
OBAMA VICTORIOUS; NORTH FINALLY WINS CIVIL WAR
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) Senator Barack Obama decisively defeated his Republican opponent to become the first American president of African-American descent. “To put this historic event in perspective,” said historian Lowell Baxter of Yale University, “you must look to President Lincoln’s own words. In an obscure passage he wrote, ‘freeing the slaves does not free America. This great nation will be free not when a person born in a log cabin can become president, but when a person born black in a log cabin can become president.’ The North,” said Baxter, “has finally prevailed.”

2. Friday, December 26, 2008
BUSH PROVES TO BE UNITER: JUST ABOUT EVERYONE WANTS HIM GONE
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Making good on his promise to bring people together rather than tear them apart, President Bush has united people in an unprecedented fashion according to a new poll which shows that 76% of Americans and 98% of the rest of the world will be happy to see him leave office. “I always knew I was a unitifyer and not a dividicator,” Bush said upon learning of the new poll results.

3. Thursday, November 13, 2008
PALIN FINALLY GETS HER EX BROTHER-IN-LAW FIRED
JUNEAU, Alaska – (PTSD News) – After a brief hiatus to conduct her campaign for vice president of the United States, Sarah Palin resumed her duties as governor of Alaska. As job one, she completed the task of securing the firing of her ex-brother in law, Mike Wooten. Wooten who was once a state trooper, had been working at Klondike Upholsterers in Anchorage, until last Friday, when he was terminated.

4.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
REP. WESTMORELAND REGARDING HIS “UPPITY” COMMENT ABOUT THE OBMAMAS: “THOSE PEOPLE SURE ARE SENSITIVE”
ATLANTA – (PTSD News) - Representative Lynn Westmoreland (R-GA), who made quite a stir when he called Barack and Michelle Obama “uppity,” defended himself today. “I had no idea,” said the two term congressman from Sharpsburg, Georgia, “that ‘uppity’ would offend darkies. What? Darkies is offensive? The next thing you know, some Jewboy lawyer will try and sue me over it. What? Jewboy is offensive? I just cant believe it. Those PC people are taking away our best language.”

5.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
INVESTMENT BANK CEO’S TO BUY AUTO CEO’S PRIVATE JETS
DETROIT – (PTSD News) – The three big automakers announced that they have sold their executive private jets to Wall Street investment bankers. “After the massive negative reaction we got when we flew our corporate jets on our first trip to Washington, we realized we could never use them again,” said Richard Wagoner of General Motors. “They were useless to us, and we had to take a great loss on them” said Alan Mulally of Ford, “but we got some money and the jets were the only transportation vehicles that Ford was able to sell this month.”

6.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
McCAIN ON GAY MARRIAGE: I BELIEVE MARRIAGE SHOULD ONLY BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A RICH WOMAN
FLORENCE, Ala. ( PTSD News) – Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican candidate for President set forth his position on gay marriage today. “In order to keep the institution of marriage viable,” McCain told a rally at the Florence First Baptist Church of the Flaming Cross, “it should only be between a man and a rich woman.” He stated he would support a Constitutional Amendment that would ban same sex marriages.

7.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
BUSH’S NEW STIMULUS PACKAGE: BRING BACK SLAVERY
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) - President George W. Bush announced a sweeping economic stimulus package to bring the United States back from it’s current woeful economic state by reinstating slavery. “The only way to competicate with all that cheap low-cost inexpensive labor in China is to have even more cheaper labor, and that cheaper labor is slavery.” “Forclosin’ back the land is too slow,” Bush continued, “so I can more immedicate the situation by un-proclomating the emancipation proclamation.”

8.
Monday, February 25, 2008
CHENEY GOES TO HELL
HELL, Michigan – (PTSD News) - Vice President Dick Cheney made a rare trip to the Midwest when he visited Hell, Michigan today. Hell, a tiny town, population 266, located approximately 20 miles northwest of Ann Arbor, welcomed the Vice President with open arms. “We wanted him to feel right at home,” said Mayor George Devlin.

9.
Friday, January 11, 2008
WITH CAMPAIGN FUNDS RUNNING LOW, GIULIANI CALLS 911
BOCA RATON, Florida – (PTSD News) - When Rudy Giuliani discovered that he was low on funds for his Presidential campaign, he first asked his staff to work without pay and then called 911. “He looked at the polls and the money that Mitt Romeny had,” said an unnamed staffer, “and then started screaming ‘911, 911, why the hell can’t I get help from 911?’”

10.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
POLICE SEARCH FOR THIEF WHO STOLE RIFLE FROM CHARLETON HESTON’S COLD DEAD HANDS
BEVERLY HILLS, California – (PTSD News) - Police are searching for the person who removed Charlton Heston’s prized rifle from his body moments after his death. “We walked out of his bedroom for just a moment,” said family spokesman Bill Powers, “and when we returned, some fiend had pried the Remington 30-06 from his hands.” Charlton Heston, an actor who seemed larger than life, is known for his heroic roles in movies of the 50’s and 60’s, and of course for his stand on the rights of gun owners.

MAGIC NEGRO SONG SURPRISE HIT
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) - Little did he know that when he recorded a parody of “Puff the Magic Dragon,” Paul Shanklin would have created a monster hit in its own right. The song, which takes its title from an article in the Los Angeles Times suggests that Obama was chosen by whites out of guilt for the mistreatment of African-Americans and that Obama is an “acceptable” black.

The song was first played on Rush Limbaugh’s show last year, but took off when Chip Saltsman, who is running for chairman of the Republican National Committee sent the song along with other parodies as a Christmas gift. Then the radio picked up an it and the rest, as they say, is history. Billboard magazine lists the song this week as number 3 with a bullet. Hank Slidell, a program director for Clear Channel which owns a thousand radio stations, said the song couldn’t come at a better time. “We had a hole in our playlist ever since we banned the Dixie Chicks for hating America and this fills it rather nicely.”

Not everyone is amused. The song has evoked the ire of several African American groups. “This song has set back race relations a hundred years,” said Trennet Anthony of the NAACP. James Richardson of the Republican National Committee agrees, saying, “the Democrats got 97% of the black vote, now with this song being endorsed by our party, I think we just gave up the other 3%.” However, Ken Blackwell, the only African American vying for leadership in the GOP said, “some people are just too sensitive and should know it is all in good fun like those pictures of a noose that were sent to Obama and McCain/Palin supporters yelling 'kill Obama.' Why can’t we just all get along and have a good laugh?”

Shanklin is already working on his follow-up, a parody of the nursery rhyme “Hickory Dickory Dock, called “Hillary Dillery Doc,” which is all about how Hillary Clinton wants to turn everyone into a socialist lesbian who wants to stop Americans from choosing their own doctors.

BUSH PROVES TO BE UNITER: JUST ABOUT EVERYONE WANTS HIM GONE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Making good on his promise to bring people together rather than tear them apart, President Bush has united people in an unprecedented fashion according to a new poll which shows that 76% of Americans and 98% of the rest of the world will be happy to see him leave office. “I always knew I was a unitifyer and not a dividicator,” Bush said upon learning of the new poll results.

“These numbers are astounding,” said pollster John Zogby,” as the previous most unifying force in history was the fall of the iron curtain, which drew 90% support of the world.” “Even more amazing is that people said that not only would the end to Bush’s presidency be the greatest thing since sliced bread, but 88% would give up all the bread ever sliced if it would get Bush out of office even one day sooner.”

“When it comes to Muslims, Jews and Christians agreeing on anything,” said Sam Molina, a senior analyst for ABC-TV News, “I have never seen so much agreement that Bush leaving office would be good for their respective religions. Bush’s ability to bring people together in agreement is nothing short of astounding,” Molina said. “Apparently he was able to achieved this during his two terms with such tactics as calling the attack of 9-11 a showing of his great ability to protect America, by telling Brownie he was doing a heck of a job while New Orleans drowned, and by saying that freedom was on the march as he shredded the Bill of Rights. This was pure genius, a complete tour de farce, if you will as after almost eight years of this insanity, conservatives, liberals, straights, gays, southerners, and northerners all want Bush out of Washington faster than that famous speeding bullet.”

BILL O’REILLY: ENEMY COMBATANTS COULDN’T STOP CHRISTMAS
By R J Shulman
BETHLEHEM, Pennsylvania – (PTSD News) – General Bill O’Reilly, chief commander of the forces to save Christmas, stood in the central square of this Pennsylvania town known as Christmas City to announce victory over the forces who had declared war on Christmas. “We have lost a few good men,” O’Reilly told the small crowd who had traveled from near and far to be in Bethlehem on Christmas Eve, “such as Mervyn’s and Linens and Things, although the latter was a bit of a sissy as they waved the white sheet like they were French or something. And we can all recall how difficult it was to hear how the Baby Jesus wept when we lost KB Toys. But in the end, the Xmas spirit prevailed.”

“This was a hard fought battle, my friends,” said evangelist Pat Robertson. “We even had to weather the severe storms caused by all those gay people who angered our Lord by trying to get married. We owe a debt of gratitude to General O’Reilly, who surged to victory like General Petraeus Iraq, by surging us to a yuletide victory with his slogan, ‘onward, Christian Shopper.’” Pastor Rich Warren agreed, saying, “If it wasn’t for Bill O’Reilly, Santa Clause would be saying ‘ho, ho, ho. Happy Chanukah.’”

President Bush, who was dressed as a Christmas elf when he lit the White House Christmas tree said, “With the Christmas mission accomplished, I can go into retirecation very happy knowing that our children will not be forced to say Happy Quonset Hut or whatever that holiday is called.”

“I am glad we were able to hold the line at Christmas,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “Because the next thing you know, if they had defeated Christmas, these people would declare war on other holidays such as Easter, Mother’s Day and God help us, National Secretary Day.”

CONGRESS VOTES ITSELF RAISE TELLING COMPLAING AMERICANS THEY SHOULD DO THE SAME
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Congress voted themselves pay raises that will cost the American taxpayer $2.5 million. When confronted by comments from angry Americans, who are suffering from the worst economic downturn since the great depression, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, “I don’t understand the ruckus. Who wouldn’t vote themselves a raise?”

If they didn’t get their raise, they wouldn’t be able to continue to serve the American people,” said Lesley Stringer, a Congressional spokesperson, “and if they weren’t there in Congress, who would be left to tell the auto workers to take a pay cut?”

But not everyone agrees with the congressional pay increase. "Members of Congress don't deserve one additional dime of taxpayer money in 2009," said Tom Schatz, president of the Council for Citizens Against Government Waste. “They have crapped on us again, or my name isn’t Schatz.”

“I certainly dererve a raise,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “it takes a lot of work to defend yourself againt the verbal attacks of all of those people who are jealous of my health care benefits, just because they failed to get themselves into a good plan.”

“This is just another battle of the class war, where those that have earned weath and benefits are being attacked by those that want to spread the wealth around, like that communist Obama,” said Rush Limbaugh. “If these people are so bent out of shape that congress gets a raise, why don’t they get off their drug-addled lazy behinds and run for congress?”

WINEHOUSE, LIMBAUGH AND RICHARDS VIE FOR OBAMA DRUG CZAR POST
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Since its inception 1982, there has never been such a competition for the position of American drug czar as the one that is shaping up today. Sources close to President Elect Obama say it is neck and neck between singer Amy Winehouse, Rolling Stone Keith Richards and talk show host Rush Limbaugh. “This is a three-way horse race,” said veteran Washington observer Wayne Norton, “and all I can say is that someone better check those horses’ urine.”

The fact that there is no legal requirement that the drug czar be an American has opened the door for the two British citizens. “This is a hard decision as these three candidates have such good credentials when it comes to knowing about drugs,” said Obama spokesman Kendall Griffin, “Winehouse knows all about taking the most amount of drugs in the shortest time, Limbaugh knows about denial and the hypocrisy that drug usage can cause, and Keith Richards knows all about survival, because his drug usage should have killed him by 1964. I suspect,” concluded Griffin, “that the drug czar position will go to the one who is most likely to help Barack break his smoking habit.”

Winehouse said she was thrilled to learn that if she takes a government job it means that she won’t have to show up to work on time or sober. Limbaugh was excited to learn that if he gets the job, he can access the mother of all doctor lists, and Keith Richards said he had written a few lines of for his acceptance speech, but unfortunately snorted them by mistake.”

PROPONENTS OF PROP 8 SEEK TO INVALIDATE GAY MARRIAGES AND MARRIAGES THAT PRODUCED GAY OFFSPRING
By R J Shulman
SAN FRANCISCO – (PTSD News) - The sponsors of Proposition 8 have asked the California Supreme court to not only declare invalid the 18,000 same sex marriages that took place before the law banning them passed, but to invalidate any marriages which produced gay children. “"Proposition 8's brevity is matched by its clarity." reads the brief co-written by Kenneth Starr, dean of Pepperdine University's law school and the former independent counsel who investigated President Bill Clinton. “Anything same sex is simply illegal and any married couple who has a gay child clearly has a marriage that is no longer recognized by the people of California as that child could seek to have an illegal gay marriage.” Starr’s brief stops short of calling for the nullification of marriages of people who have gay friends, but does call for marriages to be voided if any songs from Liza Minelli were used in the marriage ceremony.

This suit was in response to three law suits that were filed to invalidate Proposition 8 as being unconstitutional. The Supreme Court could hear arguments as soon as March.

DEVIL SELLS SOUL TO CHENEY
By R J Shulman

MIDDLE EARTH – (PTSD News) – In a surprise hostile takeover, Vice President Dick Cheney has acquired the soul of Satan himself. “It was a matter of brilliant timing,” Cheney said. “My oil and Halliburton profits were at an all time high and Beelzebub was distracted with trying to get Obama to make a mistake.”

“I was feeling pretty full of myself when I got Obama to pick Reverend Rick Warren to give an anti-gay invocation at the inauguration,” the Devil said, “Cheney snuck in and made an offer for my soul that I couldn’t resist. I may be the Price of Darkness, but Dickie boy, you are the King.”

“There is good news and bad news about this,” said Cardinal Mulcahey, “The bad news is that the Church is now going to have to reprint all of our school books to depict Satan as Dick Cheney instead of the old horned one. The good news is that we have a better chance to scare kids straight as Dick Cheney is the much scarier of the two.”


“I am pleased with this turn of events,” Cheney said. “because now anyone who disagrees with me or makes me cross will have hell to pay.” Apparently, the deal has transferred all souls previously owned by Satan to Cheney. “This is going to be a very frightening turn of event for people who sold their soul to Satan and now have to deal with Cheney instead.

GOVERNMENT TO BAIL OUT MADOFF
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Congress today passed an emergency bailout bill to give $50 Billion to troubled Wall Street money manager Bernard L. Madoff. “He was just too big to fail,” said Republican Mitch McConnell, “I am sure glad we were able to stop the auto industry cry babies from taking the money we needed to hand to Mr. Madoff.”

“It would be a real disaster for this country if Mr. Madoff found himself a little short of cash and was unable to buy fuel for his private jet,” said Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson. Madoff is charged with running a giant Ponzi scheme that cost some of the worlds richest to suffer huge losses. President Bush is expected to sign the bill along with a pardon for Mr. Madoff.

JESSE JACKSON, JR. THROWS SHOES AT GOVERNOR BLAGOJEVICH, SHOUTING, "YOU DOG, YOU RUINED MY REPUTATION"
By R J Shulman
SPRINGFIELD, Illinois – (PTSD News) – Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is not just dodging the press these days, he also ducking flying shoes. The governor was retreating from a hoard of reporters gathered in front of his office, when a shoe thrown by Illinois Representative Jesse Jackson, Jr. narrowly missed his head. This was followed by a second shoe and a string of insults.

Jackson, who up until the bribery scandal broke was considered a shoe-in for the Senate seat left vacant by Barack Obama, has had his reputation tarnish by the Blagojevich bribery scandal. “Mr. Jackson’s political career is now laced with controversy,” said William Slate of the Chicago Tribune. “Obama’s successor has some pretty big shoes to fill and now that the governor has stepped in it, he will probably get the boot before he can fill the post.”

Barack Obama has called for calm, saying not rush the selection of his replacement because if the other shoe does drop on Blagojevich, “waiting will correct this problem anyway, because time wounds all heels.”

Some have called for the arrest and detention of Jackson, Jr. who has defended himself by saying, “before you criticize me, you should walk a mile in my shoes.”

RUMSFELD: FLOWERS SHOES, WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE? I KNEW IRAQIS WOULD TREAT US LIKE LIBERATORS
By R J Shulman
SANTA FE, New Mexico – (PTSD News) - Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the recent shoe throwing event in Baghdad has finally vindicated his assertion that Americans would be greeted by Iraqis as liberators. “So I was a little off when it came to what they would greet us with,” said Rumsfeld from his home in New Mexico. “But they did greet us.”

“Can you imagine what would have happened to that journalist if he had thrown a shoe at Saddam Hussein?” Rumsfeld asked. “My God! That poor reporter would have been wrestled to the ground, arrested and tortured in some prison, but now that Iraq is a free country, all that happened to the shoe thrower was that he was wrestled to the ground, arrested and tortured in some prison. That is proof positive that freedom is on the march.”

Rumsfeld said that it was a matter of time before his other pre-war prediction would come true, that Iraqi oil profits would pay for the war. “By my calculation, we should break even sometime in 2525.”

OBAMA SOLD VP SLOT ACCORDING TO FOX NEWS
By R J Shulman
CHICAGO – (PTSD News) – Fox News is reporting that not only did Barack Obama instruct Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to sell his Senate seat, but that Obama sold the vice presidential position on his own ticket. “While he was not heading up the war on Christmas with Bill Ayers and Reverend Jeremiah Wright,” said Bill O’Reilly, “Obama was selling everything in sight including his vice presidential pick. We have it on good authority that Biden with the help of his rich credit card company friends from Delaware made the highest bid to be the vice president.”

“We need a full scale investigation,” said Sean Hannity, “to see what other parts of the American dream that president elite Obama has sold off.” “If Obama is not stopped now,” said Henry Flagg of the Republican National Committee, “he will sell the White House silverware and the Presidential Portraits.” A spokesman for Obama denies the charges and said that if Obama was president for one hundred and forty years and wanted to sell things, he couldn’t match the sell-off that has happened under Bush. “We have become a wholly owned subsidiary of China,” he said.

Matt Drudge, of the Drudge Report said that he is going to report that “Obama will be selling his wife and kids, but not until after he sells your wife and kids and your bibles and guns and bibles that look like guns.” So far, no other news organizations are confirming these stories. “It would be just like the liberal media to miss the story of the great Obama sell-off and waste time reporting about the economy,” said Rush Limbaugh.

IRAQ DID HAVE WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION AS SHOE BARELY MISSES PRESIDENT BUSH
By R J Shulman
BAGHDAD – (PTSD News) – It took his farewell tour of Iraq to find the weapons of mass destruction he always suspected were there, but today, President Bush personally discovered the dangerous missiles in Iraq. “They were size 10 and they were coming straight at me,” said President Bush speaking of the two shoes thrown at him by Journalist Muntadar al-Zaidi. Zaidi tossed his shoes, saying they were a goodbye kiss from the Iraqi people. “They say that Zaire guy called me a dog,” said Bush who ducked just in time, “but everyone else must have dyslexia, because I heard him call me a god.”

Showing a sole of a shoe in the Arab world is generally considered to be a sign of disrespect, however Zaidi who was wrestled to the ground before being shipped off to Guantanimo, said he threw the shoes at the President because, “Bush has no soul and I thought he could use one.” Not since Premier Nakita Khrushchev lost control and pounded his shoe at a UN conference in 1960, has footwear caused such an international incident.

Bush was making a surprise visit to Iraq and then headed for Afghanistan to make his final visit as President to the war torn countries. “Bush was supposed to go to Afghanistan first,” said one unnamed aide, “but like his Presidency, he ended up in Iraq when he should have been in Afghanistan.”

SMELLING VICTORY IN CLASS WAR, GOP SINKS AUTO BAILOUT BILL
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – Sensing they are a near a complete victory in their war on the middle class, Republican lawmakers dashed the hopes of the big three auto makers by killing a bill that would have loaned them $14 billion. “It’s been a long and arduous campaign that started over thirty years ago when Ronald Reagan declared war on wages,” said Jack Dickinson of the Heritage Foundation, “but this latest strike, no pun intended, against the UAW should be the death knell of the unions. In the battle between the rich an poor, chalk on up for the fat walleteers.”

“We could never have achieved this victory without the strategic genius of General Limbaugh,” said Rex Tillerson, CEO of Exxon Mobil. “Rush was able to convince working class stiffs that they should side with the wealthy elite in the war against themselves.”

“With the auto industry in tatters and the unions virtually vanquished,” said Lee Scott, CEO of Wal-Mart, “there will be no one to stop us from overthrowing the tyranny of the 40 hour work week, the yolk of providing a safe work place and the scourge of providing health care and pensions. We should be able to bring back child labor which is a win-win situation. Employers can save on wages and the young people will be so busy working that they cannot join gangs and take drugs.”

“These hollow demands of a living wage are just more of that commie pinko America hating liberal propaganda that tries to strip CEO’s of their hard earned bonuses and billion dollar pay-outs,” said Mitch McConnell, who helped defeat the loan package.

While the bill failed in the Senate, all hope may not be lost, as the Bush administration is contemplating loaning the automakers from the $700 billion slated to be given to banks and wall street investors. “I might put food on the auto guys families,” Bush said, “but first they have to stop selling them big cars with them bumper stickers that show a pitcher of me saying ‘worst president ever.”

Vice President Dick Cheney, who has been a strong supporter of funding for the Iraq war, said he was pleased that Congress had said no to the automakers. “We can’t just throw money at losing causes.” Cheney concluded by saying, “The middle class is in its final throes.”

HALLIBURTON GETS NO BID CONTRACT TO RUN GOVERNMENT
By R J Shulman
DUBAI – (PTSD News) – Halliburton announced today that they have been awarded a $900 trillion dollar contract to run the United States. “The government has really screwed things up,” said Harley Forester, a company senior vice president, “so I expect that we will be greeted with flowers when we come to the rescue.”

“Private industry knows how to trim the fat in the way that government cannot,” said David Lesar, CEO of Halliburton. “We’ll immediately cut 100,000 jobs. We’ll start with Democrats as they are the big spenders.” Halliburton has indicated that they will cut all social programs including welfare. “The American people have suffered long enough watching their tax dollars be given to losers who have messed up their lives when that money should be going to the Wall Street investment bankers who have fallen on hard times,” Lesar said.

Also on the endangered list is social security. “If Americans had listened to George Bush and privatized social security, their retirement would be worth 50 cents on the dollar instead of the practically nothing their 401(k)s are worth today.”

Halliburton also plans to jettison the entire Justice Department as in their words, “no one has any expectation of there being any justice anytime soon.” In addition, the Department of Education, long a target of conservatives will get the ax. “An informed public, is a subversive public,” said Carl Westbrook, a senior Halliburton official. “It’s the egghead elitists who cause all the unrest. All are children need to know is how to drill for oil and kill enemies.” Westbrook said that if anyone doesn’t like Halliburton’s plans, they have modern facilities in Arizona and Texas where these malcontents can stay until they change their minds.

The new Halliburton contract has been a compete surprise, even to former Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney who said that he knew nothing of it. The Vice President said he was pleased, however, saying this turn of events was going to be “a real shot in the face for the American people.”

President elect Barack Obama was perplexed saying, “they just gave me a pink slip. How can you be fired before you begin work?” Governor Rod Begojevich broke his silence by saying, “I wish I thought of selling the whole government instead of just one puny Senate seat.”

Halliburton has tapped Arizona Senator John McCain to head up its new executive department. “I am happy, my friends,” McCain said, “That Halliburton closed down the election branch of government as it was too costly and the results didn’t work the way we wanted anyway.” McCain will be joined by his new deputy director Sarah Palin who was pleased with the new contract, especially upon learning that she and her family will all have lucrative new jobs. “By golly this is great," she said, "from my house, I can see Fort Knox, if you know what I mean.”

BLAGOJEVICH'S ATTEMPTED SALE OF SENATE SEAT SPURS ECONOMY
By R J Shulman
CHICAGO – (PTSD News) – Wall Street responded positively today on the news that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s attempt to sell a vacant Senate seat has started an explosive new trend of government officials and top executives selling open positions to the highest bidder. “When Blagojevich attempted to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat, little did he realize that he has started a major movement which has stimulated the economy like no act has in years,” said Worley Buckholtz of Goldman Sachs. “More top brass has been able to get money into their hands which has restarted the trickle down theory of economics which was such a success for President Reagan. As bribe money starts its downward dribble, dozens of new jobs will be created.”

“I am no hero,” said Blagojevich, “because I cannot take credit for being some kind of financial genius. I saw a vacant Senate seat, my palms began to sweat and I just said, ‘show me the money.’” Other governors have taken bribes for anything from assistant captain of state police to chief dog catcher. In the private sector, CEOs have sold all kinds of positions to the highest bidder from assistant middle manager of central planning to dumpster manager.

“By golly I sure wish that Ted Stevens have won re-election and then gone to jail,” said Governor Sarah Palin. “Because I could have gotten a pretty penny for filling his Senatorial shoes with some rich guy. But I probably would have appointed myself. Baby needs a new pair of shoes, you know and I don’t mean Trig.”

Some in positions of power have made a fortune by threatening to give a job to someone unpopular unless they got a great deal of money. Jon M. Huntsman, Jr., the Governor of Utah, got high six figures to change his mind after he threatened to appoint an openly gay man as the Secretary of Education. Commissioner of Baseball, Bud Selig, got an undisclosed windfall to make sure that President Bush was not named as the new Commissioner.

Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson has set up a committee to study the positive effect on the economy that would be caused by legalizing prostitution, gambling and selling children into slavery. “There sure would be a lot of cash put back into the system,” Paulson said. He indicated he is looking into an urgent request from President Bush who wants to sell pardons for the right price. “There may not be enough money in the system to cover that,” said Jason Weinhardt, an economics professor at Yale.

OBAMA’S CIGARETTE HABIT MAY COST HIM WHITE HOUSE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – For months, President Elect Barack Obama has been ducking the issue of whether he is going to smoke when he is president. “I won’t say anything about not having a cigarette when I am president,” Obama told Tom Brokaw on Meet the Press last Sunday, “but I can say that I will have one smokin’ presidency.”

But Obama’s need for nicotine may have dire consequences for the former Illinois Senator. A powerful group, headed by Philadelphia lawyer, Philip J. Berg has petitioned the Supreme Court to disqualify Obama on the grounds that it is unconstitutional for a president to smoke in the White House now that every area of that building is smoke free. “If Obama cannot legally live in the White House, he cannot legally be president,” Berg said. Justice Clarence Thomas said he is intrigued by that argument and promised that the Court will rule on the case before Inauguration Day.

“What is so disturbing about all this,” said national radio talk show host Michael Weiner, better known as Michael Savage, “is that this affirmative action red diaper doper immigrant loving monster of a presidential imposter, and I am being kind here, is taking over the country in a bloodless coup, puffing like the great Smokey Mountains, blowing the toxic waste in our faces like we are some kind of morons. The nerve of this man knows no bounds. But we all know nicotine is the gateway drug to crack cocaine. I tell you this people, and mark my words, that this man will sell our nuclear secrets to Iran for his next fix.”

“What Americans want to know is if Obama ever bummed a cigarette off of William Ayers,” said Sean Hannity. “Now why isn’t the press investigating this?” “The liberal media is trying to hide just how dangerous Obama’s drug addiction to cigarettes is, my friends,” said Rush Limbaugh. “I can see it now. Obama gets that call at 3 a.m. that Iran has attacked the United States with more bombs on the way and Obama is asked what we should do and he’ll say, ‘just wait fellahs until I finish my cigarette.’”

“He has shown us that he has a dangerous addictive personality,” said Bill Bennett. “Cigarettes are the hardest habit to break, not like an easy addiction to get rid of, like, oh, let’s say gambling. Why, I’ll bet you ten to one that Obama gets burned by his cigarette habit.”

“I never touchicated them cigarettes when I was young and in my youth,” said President Bush. “Getting hooked on cigarettes, beer and cocaine can disqualify you from becoming president, if you don’t have the right daddy, of course”

NAMED TOP GENERAL IN WAR ON CHRISTMAS, BILL O’REILLY CALLS FOR SURGE
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - (PTSD News) – Recently named top general in charge of defending against the War on Christmas, Bill O’Reilly called for the “mother of all crusades to defend all that we hold dear and sacred. Just like the surge won the war in Iraq,” O’ Reilly said, “we need all good Christian soldiers to help vanquish this despicable enemy.”

“Every time you take a Christmas display out of a government building, the baby Jesus weeps,” said Mason Tweedy of the Christmas Coalition, a group dedicated to defend against what they call “the infidels of secular fascism’s effort to kill Jesus again.” “The people responsible for nailing our savior to the cross in holy times,” Tweedy said, “are the same kind of people who now want to tear him down. How hypocritical can you get?”

O’Reilly outlined a battle plan that calls for preemptive strikes against those who he says are “planning to use weapons of mass destruction against everything that is Christmas. So, we will shock and awe those heathens first,” O’ Reilly said, “then stage an invasion to rid neighborhoods of Jews, Muslims, Wiccans and anyone else who doesn’t believe in the deep meaning of Christmas and in our God-given right as Americans to shove the yuletide down their throats. Where do they think they are, Godless Russia?”

O’Reilly admitted that he is especially troubled by home grown insurgents who are trying to convince the American people there is a recession going on that they shouldn’t spend as much this Christmas. “McCain got it right,” O’Reilly said, “the fundamentals of the economy are sound and losing your job, you house and self respect is no reason not to go whole hog and whip out your wallet to show Jesus, Joseph and Mary just how much you believe in the Christmas spirit.”

INVESTMENT BANK CEO’S TO BUY AUTO CEO’S PRIVATE JETS
By R J Shulman
DETROIT – (PTSD News) – The three big automakers announced that they have sold their executive private jets to Wall Street investment bankers. “After the massive negative reaction we got when we flew our corporate jets on our first trip to Washington, we realized we could never use them again,” said Richard Wagoner of General Motors. “They were useless to us, and we had to take a great loss on them” said Alan Mulally of Ford, “but we got some money and the jets were the only transportation vehicles that Ford was able to sell this month.”

Chrysler’s jet was purchased by Goldman Sachs who plans to give it as a gift to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson when he returns to the firm after his term is up in January. “Henry really helped us out,” said Goldman CEO Lloyd C. Blankfein, “we had to do something with all that extra money he got to us, so it’s the least we can do to pay him back. We’ve even added a hot tub and booked several well endowed massage therapists for his maiden voyage.”

Blankfein said he is not worried if the big three automakers fail. “American got along just fine without Packards, Studebakers, Hudsons and Nashes, and will therefore get along fine if there are no Fords, Chevy’s or Chryslers.” Blankfein also said he had no sympathy for all the auto workers who would be out of work as they chose that career. “Hey, nobody put a gun to their head and said, go build a Dodge Ram or else.”

Mulally, who not only sold his jet, but his Ford Escape hybrid, will be bicycling to Washington to continue his talks with Congress to try and get aid for his ailing company. “I want to show we are serious about making changes and sacrifices around Ford,” Mulally said from a Motel 6 in Ashtabula, Ohio after his second day of his bike ride.

FORGET WHAT BUSH WILL DO NEXT, IT’S CHENEY WE SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT
By R J Shulman
CHAPEL HILL, North Carolina – In a new book, Farleigh Williamson III, professor of political science at the University of North Carolina, says that normally the public is interested in what a president will do after their term, but this time it’s the vice president who should have their interest. “We have a reversal here,” says Williamson in his book The Puppetmaster Diaries, “not one gave a rats behind about what Dan Quayle did when he was out of office, but America should pay careful attention to Dick Cheney’s future plans.”

“The media will attempt to distract Americans from Cheney’s chicanery by trying to interest them with what Bush will do next. But no one is going to fall for that. For example, who wants to know about the George W. Bush library full of books he can’t read and memos he didn’t read, like the ones warning him about attacks by terrorists and hurricanes,” said Williamson.

“Without access to Guantanamo,” the book states, “Cheney will have to rely on a fresh supply of detainees. If Cheney is not shooting someone’s face off, he has to watch someone being tortured. Sometimes he needs both. It’s his obsession.” The book describes the secret prisons built in Arizona and Texas by Halliburton and how Cheney will abduct Americans who came up on his list of enemy combatants he obtained from the spying done by the telecommunications companies. The book also notes that Cheney has already chosen organ donors for himself when his heart, liver and other organs finally fail. “Now those people are in for a surprise,” the author says.

Williamson, who is now located in a safe house at an undisclosed location, is the author of the best selling Cheney biography, Drill, Baby, Drill; Kill, Baby Kill.

BUSH FINDS OBSCURE LAW THAT ALLOWS HIM A “DO-OVER”
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – President Bush had mentioned to several friends that in reflecting on his presidency, he would have liked to have done some things differently. Now, thanks to a little known law, his wish may come true.

Attorney General Mukasey, has petitioned the court in Bush’s name to allow George W. Bush to take advantage of an obscure statute, signed into law in 1841 by President Van Buren that allows a president to get a second chance if they meet certain criteria. The law, called the American President Do-Over Act, has been invoked only once in 1923 by President Harding. However, Harding, whose administration was tarnished by scandal and incompetence, died before a ruling by the Supreme Court.

The law, which for some unknown reason never made it into code, states that, “If in the last month of a president’s term, the president invokes the Do-Over Act and can demonstrate by a preponderance of the evidence that actions taken or not taken by the president in his term falls below acceptable standard of conduct of the duties and obligations of the office of the presidency, he gets a do-over for as many years as he has served.” Justice Clarence Thomas said that will take the lead in reviewing Bush’s pleading. “We installed that twerp to begin with,” Thomas said, “so maybe we can redeem ourselves by giving him a change to fix the mess he has made.”

When asked what he would do differently if he is granted the do-over, Bush said, “about the Iraq stuff, I would make sure that when I say mission accomplished, I would wear a larger cod piece under my uniform, and regardicating my preparation for Hurricane Katrina, I would play a different air guitar, maybe a stronger heavy metal telecoaster model, and I wouldn’t have Michael Brown be head of FEMA because I would make him Secretary of Commerce so he could do a heck of a job on foreign trade.”

The Supreme Court has indicated that the inauguration of Barack Obama will be delayed until the Court resolves this matter. They said the delay could be as long as eight years.

AMERICA SHOCKED AS OBAMA PICKS CABINET MEMBERS WHO ARE ACTUALLY QUALIFIED
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – His cabinet not yet complete, yet President Elect Barack Obama is already feeling the heat for making the choices he has. “Our research shows that the American people can't handle government officials who actually know what they are doing,” said Randall Wargo of the Rand Institute.

“Obama is making a terrible mistake,” said Wade Carlisle of the Heritage Foundation. “Everybody knows you pick cabinet members for two reasons. One is to pay back a political supporter and the other is to get someone to further dismantle the government. The best thing is to get someone so unqualified that their department just disintegrates by itself.” So far, Obama has defied conventional wisdom by choosing two highly qualified former rivals, Senator Hillary Clinton and Governor Bill Richardson for his cabinet. In addition, he has kept Republican Robert Gates as Secretary of Defense.

“Obama apparently is keeping his word about change,” said one Washington insider, “this town won’t be the same without no-bid contracts, sweetheart deals, and having industry hacks destroy the agencies that are supposed to regulate them.”

“If people find out that government can actually function,” said Wargo, “they may get so upset, we could have a revolution on our hands.”

FOX: CHAMBLISS VICTORY REPUDIATION OF OBAMA MAKING HIM FIRST LAME DUCK PRESIDENT ELECT
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – (PTSD News) – According to Fox News, the re-election of Saxby Chambliss in the hotly contested Georgia Senate race “is proof of America’s complete repudiation of President Elect Barack Obama’s long standing failed policies.” “This election shows that the American people want the conservative values of guns, bibles and bigotry,” said Bill O’Reilly, “and it’s too bad that all of those liberal left wing political correctness wackos have given bigotry a bad name.”

“We have sent a message to the world,” said a jubilant Chambliss, “that Georgia will not be dragged into the 21st century, heck the 20th century by the evil forces of justice, equal opportunity and enlightenment.” “Obama should just pack up and go home,” said Newt Gingrich, who campaigned hard for his fellow Georgian, “as we can now block everything Obama wants to get done. Our strategy will be that after we filibuster, we will blame the obstructionist do-nothing Democrats.” “So you want change, Mr. Fancy Pants Celebrity President,” said Harley Cransmouth of the Georgia GOP, “when we Republicans get through with you, you’ll be lucky if you can change a tire.”

“Every time them damn Yankees think they can tear us down, the South will rise again,” said Yancy Plough of Rome, Georgia, “and I ain’t whistling Dixie here…well, actually, I am.” “Saxby’s victory is like a deliverance for us Georgians,” said Clay Vincent of Macon, “I must might have to break out my banjo.”

AFTER PRESIDENCY, BUSH WILL BECOME SOMALI PIRATE
By R J Shulman
BOSASSO, Somalia - (PTSD News) – In a surprise announcement, President Bush told reporters, “After my term as President is terminated, I will be a pirate from Somalia. I toldicated the American people that the oceans no longer protect us, and as a Somali pirate I will make prophesy on that, so timber me shivers and hoist up the main deck, it’s a pirate’s life for me.”

“Being a Somali pirate is a natural progression for Bush,” said Blair Sheppard, a professor of applied political science at Yale, “He’ll get to use shock and awe when he invades unarmed boats, steal other people’s oil and say ‘mission accomplished’ on the deck of a large ship. And as a pirate, he can pull off something he couldn’t quite do as president – technically, he will be above the law.”

“Bush won’t have to be bothered with the Fourth Amendment or whether torture is legal,” said Janice Poe, a professor of Constitutional law at Stanford, “as a pirate he automatically can declare anyone else on the high seas an enemy combatant and have his way with them.”

“At first I was worried about his safety when he told me he wanted to be a pirate because he falls off of bicycles and stuff,” said Laura Bush, “but after I realized he was going to be home all day, I ran out and bought this cute pirate hat at Party City.” “All I need is a parrot,” Bush said. “Maybe I’ll get me one of those un-reelected Republican congressmen as they were good at repeating everything I said.”

“I’m well suiticated for this life of a pirate,” Bush concluded, “Bush is my name and that is part of the word ‘ambush’ and ambush is what pirates do.” “He sure did that to the Bill of Rights,” said Chauncy Chambers, a University of Virginia law professor.

WAL-MART ON STAMPEDE VICTIM:WE’RE NOT LIABLE-HE WAS ONLY PART-TIME WORKER
By R J Shulman
BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – (PTSD News) – Giant retailer Wal-Mart defended itself against possible charges in the death of 34 year old employee Jdimytai Damour who was trampled to death during a wild stampede on Friday morning at the retailer’s Valley Stream, New York store. “Mr. Damour’s demise, while regrettable, was not the fault of Wal-Mart,” said Harry Cohen, a lawyer with Goldberg, Leventhal, Popovitch and Stump, “First, Mr. Damour worked only 37.5 hours a week which does not qualify him under the law to a safe working place, and second, since all of Wal-Mart’s merchandise was manufactured in China, Mr. Damour is afforded only the protections of the typical Chinese worker, and we all know what that is. Besides, Mr. Damour assumed the risk by getting between a hoard of hysterical women shoppers and a rack of super bargains that only Wal-Mart can offer.”

Shoppers who stampeded through the Long Island store say they have no responsibility for Damour’s death. “What sue me?” said Wanda Pearlsmith of Syosset, New York, “I should sue him. His body slowed me down just enough to cause me to loose out on getting a pair of size six black pumps for $2.88… OK they were size nine.”

Upon hearing of Mr. Damour’s death, President Bush said, “it’s fabulous to see so many Americans shopping again.” Sarah Palin took a moment from her campaigning in Georgia for candidate Saxby Chambliss and said, “Don’t ya weep so fast for Mr. Damour. He has a funny name and I heard he was palling around with terrorists.”

John McCain said that all of those shoppers willing to fight to get a bargain shows that the fundamentals of the economy are sound. President elect Barack Obama give his condolences to Mr. Damour’s family and said that the tragedy should be studied and that parties should start taking to one another.

“This is a real tragedy,” said Duke Walton, grandson of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton, “you do all you can to bring low prices to Americans and the first thing they want to do is sue your pants off. These people shouldn’t be complaining about working conditions because with this economy, they should be killing for these jobs.”