HALLIBURTON GETS NO BID CONTRACT TO RUN GOVERNMENT
By R J Shulman
DUBAI – (PTSD News) – Halliburton announced today that they have been awarded a $900 trillion dollar contract to run the United States. “The government has really screwed things up,” said Harley Forester, a company senior vice president, “so I expect that we will be greeted with flowers when we come to the rescue.”

“Private industry knows how to trim the fat in the way that government cannot,” said David Lesar, CEO of Halliburton. “We’ll immediately cut 100,000 jobs. We’ll start with Democrats as they are the big spenders.” Halliburton has indicated that they will cut all social programs including welfare. “The American people have suffered long enough watching their tax dollars be given to losers who have messed up their lives when that money should be going to the Wall Street investment bankers who have fallen on hard times,” Lesar said.

Also on the endangered list is social security. “If Americans had listened to George Bush and privatized social security, their retirement would be worth 50 cents on the dollar instead of the practically nothing their 401(k)s are worth today.”

Halliburton also plans to jettison the entire Justice Department as in their words, “no one has any expectation of there being any justice anytime soon.” In addition, the Department of Education, long a target of conservatives will get the ax. “An informed public, is a subversive public,” said Carl Westbrook, a senior Halliburton official. “It’s the egghead elitists who cause all the unrest. All are children need to know is how to drill for oil and kill enemies.” Westbrook said that if anyone doesn’t like Halliburton’s plans, they have modern facilities in Arizona and Texas where these malcontents can stay until they change their minds.

The new Halliburton contract has been a compete surprise, even to former Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney who said that he knew nothing of it. The Vice President said he was pleased, however, saying this turn of events was going to be “a real shot in the face for the American people.”

President elect Barack Obama was perplexed saying, “they just gave me a pink slip. How can you be fired before you begin work?” Governor Rod Begojevich broke his silence by saying, “I wish I thought of selling the whole government instead of just one puny Senate seat.”

Halliburton has tapped Arizona Senator John McCain to head up its new executive department. “I am happy, my friends,” McCain said, “That Halliburton closed down the election branch of government as it was too costly and the results didn’t work the way we wanted anyway.” McCain will be joined by his new deputy director Sarah Palin who was pleased with the new contract, especially upon learning that she and her family will all have lucrative new jobs. “By golly this is great," she said, "from my house, I can see Fort Knox, if you know what I mean.”