Find A Lawyer
Find A Lawyer Counter


The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Monday, December 01, 2008

By R J Shulman
BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – (PTSD News) – Giant retailer Wal-Mart defended itself against possible charges in the death of 34 year old employee Jdimytai Damour who was trampled to death during a wild stampede on Friday morning at the retailer’s Valley Stream, New York store. “Mr. Damour’s demise, while regrettable, was not the fault of Wal-Mart,” said Harry Cohen, a lawyer with Goldberg, Leventhal, Popovitch and Stump, “First, Mr. Damour worked only 37.5 hours a week which does not qualify him under the law to a safe working place, and second, since all of Wal-Mart’s merchandise was manufactured in China, Mr. Damour is afforded only the protections of the typical Chinese worker, and we all know what that is. Besides, Mr. Damour assumed the risk by getting between a hoard of hysterical women shoppers and a rack of super bargains that only Wal-Mart can offer.”

Shoppers who stampeded through the Long Island store say they have no responsibility for Damour’s death. “What sue me?” said Wanda Pearlsmith of Syosset, New York, “I should sue him. His body slowed me down just enough to cause me to loose out on getting a pair of size six black pumps for $2.88… OK they were size nine.”

Upon hearing of Mr. Damour’s death, President Bush said, “it’s fabulous to see so many Americans shopping again.” Sarah Palin took a moment from her campaigning in Georgia for candidate Saxby Chambliss and said, “Don’t ya weep so fast for Mr. Damour. He has a funny name and I heard he was palling around with terrorists.”

John McCain said that all of those shoppers willing to fight to get a bargain shows that the fundamentals of the economy are sound. President elect Barack Obama give his condolences to Mr. Damour’s family and said that the tragedy should be studied and that parties should start taking to one another.

“This is a real tragedy,” said Duke Walton, grandson of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton, “you do all you can to bring low prices to Americans and the first thing they want to do is sue your pants off. These people shouldn’t be complaining about working conditions because with this economy, they should be killing for these jobs.”


Post a Comment

<< Home