BLAGOJEVICH'S ATTEMPTED SALE OF SENATE SEAT SPURS ECONOMY
By R J Shulman
CHICAGO – (PTSD News) – Wall Street responded positively today on the news that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s attempt to sell a vacant Senate seat has started an explosive new trend of government officials and top executives selling open positions to the highest bidder. “When Blagojevich attempted to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat, little did he realize that he has started a major movement which has stimulated the economy like no act has in years,” said Worley Buckholtz of Goldman Sachs. “More top brass has been able to get money into their hands which has restarted the trickle down theory of economics which was such a success for President Reagan. As bribe money starts its downward dribble, dozens of new jobs will be created.”

“I am no hero,” said Blagojevich, “because I cannot take credit for being some kind of financial genius. I saw a vacant Senate seat, my palms began to sweat and I just said, ‘show me the money.’” Other governors have taken bribes for anything from assistant captain of state police to chief dog catcher. In the private sector, CEOs have sold all kinds of positions to the highest bidder from assistant middle manager of central planning to dumpster manager.

“By golly I sure wish that Ted Stevens have won re-election and then gone to jail,” said Governor Sarah Palin. “Because I could have gotten a pretty penny for filling his Senatorial shoes with some rich guy. But I probably would have appointed myself. Baby needs a new pair of shoes, you know and I don’t mean Trig.”

Some in positions of power have made a fortune by threatening to give a job to someone unpopular unless they got a great deal of money. Jon M. Huntsman, Jr., the Governor of Utah, got high six figures to change his mind after he threatened to appoint an openly gay man as the Secretary of Education. Commissioner of Baseball, Bud Selig, got an undisclosed windfall to make sure that President Bush was not named as the new Commissioner.

Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson has set up a committee to study the positive effect on the economy that would be caused by legalizing prostitution, gambling and selling children into slavery. “There sure would be a lot of cash put back into the system,” Paulson said. He indicated he is looking into an urgent request from President Bush who wants to sell pardons for the right price. “There may not be enough money in the system to cover that,” said Jason Weinhardt, an economics professor at Yale.