NEW STUDY SHOWS CHENEY NOW MORE SCARY TO KIDS THAN CLOWNS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - In this year’s study on who scares children the most, the Federal Office of Children’s Health announced that the number one most frightening person is Vice President Dick Cheney. “The number two most scary figure has changed over the years,” said FOCH spokesperson Dennis Chambers, “you know one year it’s a dentist, then Khrushchev, the boogie man or even Santa. This is the first time since this survey began 55 years ago that anyone has been scarier than a clown.”

“When the picture of Cheney was shown, there was so much crying, screaming and peeing that we had to stop the test,” said Francine Manelli, a survey facilitator, who told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “we may have to rethink doing this study all together.” “I should have known not to agree to have my Tommy tested,” said a parent who chose to remain anonymous, “because any government that thinks torture is OK, would have no problem scaring the beJesus out of our little ones.”

FOX NEWS REPORTS THAT TOP STORY OF 2007 WAS THAT WHITE GIRLS GO MISSING IN ARUBA
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Fox News just release a list of the ten most important stories of 2007. The number one story was that all Americans should be afraid that white girls will go missing in Aruba. “That chilling story was the years block buster,” said Brit Hume of Fox news, “a story that effects the fabric of the lives of all Americans."

The other top Fox stories included,
2 “Who was Anna Nicole Smith’s baby’s father,”
3 “What in the heck is wrong with Britney Spears?”
4 “All the good news from Iraq”
5 “Is Hillary really a lesbian?”
6 “Should John Edwards be allowed to have a $400 haircut?”
7 “Black people can be civil in restaurants”
8 “More good news from Iraq.”
9 “Celebrity cellulite – who has it and who doesn’t”
10 “The softer side of Dick Cheney”

Notably missing from the top ten list were:

1. The unstable situation in Pakistan and the Middle East
2. Torture becoming an American family value
3. The destruction of the American Constitution
4. The American economy and the credit crunch
5. The destruction of the American middle class
6 The destruction of the planet due to global warming and just plain greed.

DEMS PREFER CAGE FREE VOTERS
By R J Shulman
TOPEKA, Kansas – Democratic leaders in Kansas have come out in support of cage-free voters after the Kansas Republican party issued a statement, boasting of their support and success in “caging” voters. Caging votes is a process where a political group uses processes such as returned voting flyers to challenge those voters when they show up to cast their ballot on election day. A political group will attempt to get an advantage by targeting voters in districts that strongly support the opposing party.

“We feel that cage free voters are happier voters,” said Clem Michaelson of the Kansas Democratic party, “people who are not allowed to vote can become bad eggs, if you know what I mean.” Michaelson’s statement was in response George Stout of the Kansas Republicans who said in an earlier statement, “we are happy at our success at caging votes, because if we let just anyone vote, we wouldn’t be able to elect someone like George W Bush who strongly believes that democracy should be on the march.”

CHENEY TO STAR IN NEW VERSION OF “IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE”
By R J Shulman
HOLLYWOOD – Danton International Pictures announced today that Vice President Dick Cheney will star in a remake of the 1946 Frank Capra classic It’s a Wonderful Life. “He plays the main role in this new modern realistic version,” said Sid Kleinsteinowitz, President of DIP Studios, “In this version the hero is actually master banker, Mr. Potter, who is able to consolidate all the banks in New Bedford and helps keep the poor people poor, because everybody knows now that poor people are poor because they want to be poor.”

“It’s about time that Hollywood stopped all that liberal communistic propaganda and shows American values for what they really are, that the rich and powerful should be obeyed and do-good suckers should get their just deserts,” said Cheney, “and with the release of this film, if you will, I believe philanthropy is in it’s final throes.”

The role of nice-guy small savings and loan banker George Bailey, who in this modern version actually does drown to no big fanfare, has not been cast, although the studio is leaning toward either Al Gore or Jimmy Carter. “We want someone who today’s audience can identify as a futile misguided character who can be mocked and ridiculed,” said Kleinsteinowitz.

PRESIDENT BUSH NAMES HIS TOP BOOKS OF 2007
By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - President Bush named his favorite books of the year today in a press release. Making the list was My Pet Goat, Mensa for Dummies, My Pet Goat – large print version, The Art of War Presidents, Mi cabra del animal doméstico - My Pet Goat-Spanish Version and How to Clear Brush on Your Ranch When the World is Going to Hell.

TANCREDO PRESIDNTIAL BID TANKS
By R J Shulman
DES MOINES, Iowa – Presidential hopeful Tom Tancredo, the Colorado congressman who ran on an anti-immigration platform that often targeted Mexicans has ended his Presidential bid amidst charges of a vast scheme against him. “Those name calling Islmofascist Mexican loving Democrats have blocked me at every turn,” he told loyal supporters early today at a suburban Des Moines shopping center. “No matter whether it was Mason City or Cedar Falls, I could never get a clean sheet at a hotel, or a clean plate at a restaurant. What made matters worse was how can you run a campaign if your nannies keep leaving you high and dry?”

Tankredo pointed out that no one would check him out at the Wal-Mart when he tried to buy some Salsa made in New York City. “This is part of the vast Clinton conspiracy against me to keep the real issue of illegal immigrants off the discussion table.” Tankredo was last seen outside of Lincoln, Nebraska trying in vain to get a tow truck driver to move his broken down “Anti-Immigration” van to a gas station.

PRESIDENT VETOES PEACE AND GOODWILL BILL
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush has vetoed a bill passed by Congress in time for the Christmas holidays that would have granted peace and goodwill not only to all men but to all women and children. “This legislation was filled with too much fatty pork,” Bush said, “peace and good will are expensive enough for men, let alone adding every Tom, Dick and Harriet, so it has fallen on me to have to be the responsible one, therefore I'm negitating such irresponsive spending like a drunken sailor in china shop.”

“The President is doing the right thing,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “because the last thing we need is socialized peace and good will. If some anti-Americans are so anxious for peace and good will to cover everyone, they can move to Canada or Sweden.”

“I believe,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “that sometimes to get peace and good will among men you have to go to the dark side, if you will, and trying to provide peace and good will to women and children who have not earned it would be a waste of time in the dark side, even for me.”

“I guess peace and good will are just like the Chicago Cubs,” said Senator Feingold of Wisconsin, “we’ll just have to wait ‘till next year.”

WAR ON CHRISTMAS INTENSIFIES AS YULTIDE NEARS
By R J Shulman

NEW YORK - With just one shopping day left in this Christmas season, the War on Christmas has escalated beyond initial projections. “The surge in working,” said acting General Bill O’Reilly of Fox TV, who has spearheaded a last minute increase in the fight to preserve Christmas. “This is all about the baby Jesus,” O’Reilly said, “and how the Savior can be saved with some healthy Christmas shopping.”

“The anti-Christians are in their final throes,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “and if Americans don’t support us and say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays, we will be hit by the enemy forces and hit hard.”

“What the American people must understand,” said President Bush, “is that the decider, which is me, has decided that in order to protecticate the American way of life, anyone saying Happy Holidays, Happy Chunakah or especially Happy Quanset Hut, will get some of that interrogation of the enhanced kind.”

“We were hoping to have the mission completed,” said a White House spokesperson, “but it looks like our troops will not be home for the Holidays, oops, I mean Christmas. Come on guys, it was an honest mistake…no, put that thing down… Don’t taze me bro! AHHHHH!”

BUSH SAYS HE WILL NOT COMMENT ON DESTRUCTION OF CIA INTERROGATION TAPES UNTIL THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT COMPLETES ITS INTERROGATION
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In a press conference today, President George W. Bush said he couldn’t comment on the legality of the destruction of the CIA interrogation tapes. “Before I can make any commentations on these tapes that are missing in action,” he said, “we have to let our investigators get to the bottom of the barrel to see who has been springing leaks to the New York Times about what I was supposed to have remembered to have forgotten. This is a very large administration,” he continued, “and the American people must understand it will take some time to get out a report as our investigators are drowning in paperwork.”

While the CIA has acknowledged that the tapes have been destroyed, the Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned in an exclusive interview with a reliable source that the destruction may have been inadvertent. Under a promise of anonymity, a highly placed source said the graphic interrogation tapes became unusable after they were viewed one too many times by Vice President Dick Cheney. “”Cheney was watching the TV and howling with laughter,” the source said after being promised entrance into the witness protection program, “I thought he was watching something funny like a Seinfeld episode, but it was a show about some foreigner who fell into a pool while being strapped to a board on his back and yelling for someone to help him out. What’s so funny about that?”

MYSTERIOUS FIRE BREAKS OUT IN GOVERNMENT BUILDING
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - Early this morning, a fire broke out at the Eisenhower Executive Building near the White House. The building houses government offices including the ceremonial office of the Vice President. While the fire was quickly put out, the cause of the blaze is still unclear.

One report says the cause of the flames was when some clothing caught fire. “One minute that pretty lady, Dana Perino was in the building writing to the New York Times that the Bush Administration didn’t know anything about the destruction of CIA tapes,” said Wilma Johnston, a government worker, “and the next thing you know the pants from her pants suit just bust out in flames.”

One unconfirmed report said the fire broke out in Dick Cheney’s office after workers detected the smell of sulfur. “It smelled like hell in there,” said janitor Jose Smith, “then poof!”

Another unconfirmed report said that it was an electrical fire caused when the circuits got overloaded. “Don’t blame me,” said Brewster McDill a White House staffer, “they told me to plug in and turn on the humongous new Shredmaster 3000 and that’s when the lights dimmed. Shoot, you could lose an arm in that baby.”

“I believe the fire started in an electrical closet,” said one reliable source. “With my own eyes I spotted Senator Larry Craig coming out of that closet and he said to me, ‘I am not flaming. I have never been flaming.’”

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that authorities are now looking into the possibility that the fire was caused by workers trying to burn an old audio tape of President Dwight D. Eisenhower that told Americans to beware of the Military Industrial Complex.

IN COST CUTTING MOVE, BUSH CANCELS 2008 ELECTION
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In a step to lessen the national deficit, President George W. Bush announced today that he has called off the Presidential elections of 2008. “Elections cost mucho money and a lot of expensive pork,” Bush told reporters, “especially having to count the votes they way we want to. Besides,” he continued, “elections are where people vote with a ballot box to decide on a decider, but what the American people must understand is that I’m already the decider and I’ve decided that their previously decided decider, which is me, has already been decided and being that there is no reason to re-decide, I’ve decided to call the whole thing off.”

“The money that would have to cover preparing and holding the election,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “is better spent fighting terrorists over there in Iraq rather than in talking about terrorists over here in Presidential debates.” “People don’t really care if Romney is a Christian, Hillary is a lesbian or if Giuliani is a human,” said Wylie Connors of the American Heritage Foundation, “Americans are more interested in voting in the next American Idol.”

After hearing that the President had cancelled the upcoming election, Vice President Dick Cheney who was hunting with friends, lowered his rifle and said, “it is clear, if you will, that the insurgents are in their final throes.” “I was glad they told Dick when they did,” said hunting buddy Lawrence Frazer, a Dallas attorney, “as the President’s announcement turned out to be a real face saver.”

NEW JERSEY KILLS DEATH PENALTY
By R J Shulman
TRENTON – New Jersey became the first state to abolish the death penalty when Governor Jon Corzine signed a new bill into law. The bill was passed due to recent exonerations due to DNA testing and the belief that the death penalty was not applied fairly and evenly among certain segments of the population.

This bill passed the New Jersey legislature despite stiff opposition. “Now murderers will flock to New Jersey,” said Otto Meisner, of the Keep Killing Koalition, staunch supporters of the death penalty. “So if some guy from New York feels the urge to kill, all he has to do is take the short ride through the Holland tunnel and murder someone in Jersey City.” “The tragedy of this decision,” said William Stanton, also of the KKK, “is that best way to show killers that killing is wrong is to kill them and this bill kills that possibility.”

MITCHELL REPORT TO NAME THE 60 TO 80 MAJOR LEAGE BASEBALL PLAYERS WHO DID NOT TAKE STERIODS
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - The Mitchell Report on drug use in Major League Baseball will name somewhere between 60 and 80 players who did not take illegal performance enhancing drugs. “There are deep problems with baseball,” said former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell who conducted the exhaustive study, “the illegal drug problem has been rampant since the inception of baseball and less than 100 major leaguers in the history of the sport stayed clean.”

“It won’t just be Barry Bonds’ record that will come tumbling down,” said an anonymous source, who had seen the 304 page report. “This means that the new Major League home run record will be belong to Bob Uecker who hit 7 in 1966 with the Philadelphia Phillies, and the batting average record holder will be Mario Mendoza who hit .245 in 1980 with Seattle, but who holds a lifetime .215 average. Mendoza is best known for creating the “Mendoza line,” meaning that players who fall below .200 batting average (which Mendoza did in 5 of his 9 years), should not be playing at the Major League Level.

The use of illegal drugs also has involved umpires, bat boys, announcers and even team mascots. “That chicken wasn’t stumbling around for no reason,” Mitchell said. “I guess the attitude in baseball is ‘Anything to get ahead.’” Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said, “this report is devastating. It not only changes the public’s perception of America’s pastime, but now it’s official - there is crying in baseball.”

FOX NEWS SURVEY: CONSTANT COVERAGE OF CIA INTERROGATION TAPES BY MEDIA IS TORTURING AMERICAN PUBLIC
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - A new Fox TV News poll indicates that America does not want to hear any more about the CIA torture tapes, destroyed by the CIA, but want to hear about all the progress and good news happening in Iraq. “The erased tape” said Brit Hume, “was nothing more than a story about storage. The CIA had to delete tapes to make room for tapes of all the important data they got from interrogating terrorists.”

“I am upset that the media are busy yakking about the CIA tapes,” said Wally Frumpkin of Peoria, Illinois, “when they should be informing the American public about which blonde girls may be in danger in Aruba.” “I’d like to expound all about the hypocritical dope-smoking Democrat liberals and their media,” said commentator Rush Limbaugh, “but I have to review this new doctor list I’ve just been handed.”

President Bush was pleased with the results of the Fox survey. “I suspecticated that the liberal media was trying to catapult the propaganda about the CIA’s surfboarding tapes,” the President said, “so what the American people must need to understand is that besides me being the decider, I am the forgetter and the not knower and that I have decided to forget what I didn’t know.”

CIA TORTURE TAPES NOT DESTROYED, THEY WERE LOST
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In a stunning announcement, CIA director Michael Hayden stated that the videotape of the interrogation of two suspected terrorists was not destroyed as previously reported, but was just misplaced. “We now know what happened to the video CD we made of the intense questioning of the two men,” Hayden said. “It was erroneously returned to a Blockbuster Video in suburban Bethesda, Md. when mistakenly placed in a Terminator movie video box.” The error was discovered when CIA operatives tried to retrieve sensitive information from the water boarded suspects and instead were confronted by Arnold Schwartzenegger saying “I’ll be back.”

The mistake has been confirmed by Casey Mallard, a Townson, Maryland McDonald’s employee who had rented Terminator. “It was so cool at first when they was drowning that A-rab,” said Mallard, “but then it got boring. There was no plot to it, no cars blowing up and stuff, and then it got real stupid when one of the tortured A-rabs confessed to blowing up a dozen suicide bombs. I mean if he suicided, isn’t he going to be too dead to do it again?”

“We’re not that worried,” said CIA spokesperson, Morgan Bennett, “as our surveillance of Blockbuster shows they last rented it to a person nammed O. Bin Laden somewhere in Tora Bora. We should locate him and the tape shortly.” “This is not our biggest worry,” Bennett said, “as the employee who put the wrong CD in the box also had his work computer stolen out of his car in that Blockbuster lot.” The CIA has since confirmed that there were no really sensitive materials on the stolen government laptop, just the new Santa Fe, New Mexico home address, phone numbers and back accounts of Valerie Plame and Joe Wilson.

BUSH: DON’T BLAME ME FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS, UNTIL LAST WEEK, I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS PRESIDENT
By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – Just days after a report from the CIA stated that in 2003 it was known that George W. Bush was the worst President in history, President Bush said until he read the CIA report he was unaware he was the President. “Last year,” Bush said, “Mike or was it John McConnell came to me to tell me he had news about the Presidency. He didn’t tell me what the news was about and I didn’t ask.” “I knew my father and his friends on the Superb Court made me the decider and commander guy,” Bush continued, “but I thought you had to actually win an election to be President.”

“Because he was unaware that he was the President,” said White Press Secretary Dana Perino, “he can’t be blamed for Presidential misdeeds whether they were starting illegal wars, outing CIA agents, running up the deficit or running down America’s reputation.” Since the last President who knew he was President was Clinton” said a White House spokesperson, “all of the disasters, treason and Presidential power grabs of the past seven years have all been Clinton’s fault.”

RATINGS WEAK FOR AMERICA’S MOST SMARTEST TOP MODEL PRESIDENT OF OUR PEOPLE REALITY SHOW
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Despite being on all the major TV networks, ratings for the reality show America’s Most Smartest Top Model President Of Our People, better known as POOP, has fallen below that of The Runway, Top Chef, Tela Tequila’s Shot at Love and even America’s Next Top Beautician. “I think people are just sick of watching POOP on their TV all day,” said Lila Iltis of Daily Variety, “which is a shame for the show as the finale is still so far away.”

The show pits candidates from a red team and a blue team against each other until the winning member from each team competes in a grand finale in November 2008. “Part of the reason for the show’s poor showing,” said Wayne Gibbons,” of TV Guide, “is that the field, especially on the red team is so lame.”

Early red team front-runner Rudy Giuliani has been slipping lately as it becomes apparent that he lacks good judgment and that his own family does not support him. Mike Huckabee is making great progress, but it is doubtful that he will survive once it becomes known he is an ordained evangelical reverend who does not believe in evolution and thinks serial rapists should be let out of jail to make room for those who test HIV positive. John McCain, the oldest candidate has clearly been suffering from flashbacks to a time when he was relevant. Tom Tancredo is convinced that illegal aliens will soon be entering the race, while Mitt Romney seems to be willing to say anything to win.

The blue team is scarcely better. Front runner Hillary Clinton has been slipping in popularity, with some thinking she is really a spy from the red team. “I don’t like Barack Obama’s chances,” said Fox TV commentator Bill O’Reilly, “as I am not sure American is ready for a black man who dresses well, is articulate and hasn’t said to my knowledge, ‘pass me the MF tea.’” John Edwards is on his second try, having lost in last season’s finale, Bill Richardson comes from New Mexico, which may not even be a real state, while Dennis Kucinich has the weird notion that being honest will get him the victory.

“I want to know more about white girls missing in Aruba,” said Clem Stump, a 43 year old pipe fitter from Cleveland, Ohio who echoes many who have tuned out POOP. “I don’t care about POOP either,” said Willard Schmotz who works with Stump, “just give me a show that explains to me what happened to Anna Nicole Smith’s hooters after they buried her. I'll watch that.”

MITT ROMNEY ON HIS RELIGION: I AM NOT MORMON, I NEVER HAVE BEEN MORMON

by R J Shulman

DES MOINES, Iowa - In a prepared speech, former Massachusetts Governor and GOP Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney addressed the issue of his religious beliefes by denying that he is a Mormon. The issue of his faith as come into question by many Evangelicals who make up a significant part of the Republican base of support.

"The confusion about my faith," Romney said, "is because I have a wide stance. I was praying in a Baptist church, but one of my legs ended up in a pew in a Mormon church next door." Romney's statements directly contradict the claims of several men who say they prayed with Romney in the 80s and 90s in several Mormon churches.

"Look," said Romney, "If I was a Mormon with this much money, would I have just one wife?" Romeny concluded by stating, "I'm not saying all this to pander for votes from the religious right. I just want to know if I have a prayer to be able to convince the flock to get a vote of confidence that when elected President, that they'll know I'll perform my duties religiously."

WHERE WAS GEORGE W. BUSH WHEN HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE NATIONAL GUARD? NEW REPORT SAYS HE WAS IN MANCHURIA
By R J Shulman

CHANGCHUN, CHINA – A 35 year-old document released for the first time may shed some light on the controversy surrounding the whereabouts of young George W. Bush in 1972 when he was supposed to report for duty in the Alabama National Guard. The documents released by the Chinese government indicate that Bush spent a few weeks in a cave near this picturesque Manchurian city.

“He was undergoing some top secret training,” said James P. Montgomery of the State Department. “Apparently, the Manchurians thought he’d make a good candidate for a future mission. They put him under sedation,” Montgomery continued, “and fed him the same phrases over and over again.” The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned that some of the phrases that were drilled into Bush’s brain were “stay the course,” “mission accomplished,” and “would you rather fight them over there or fight them over here.”

“What we have little to go on as to what the training was for,” said Willard Chasen, a government official who helped translate the documents, “we know it had nothing to do with the Viet Nam war which was raging at that time, because Bush learned absolutely nothing from that conflict.”

“Come to think of it,” said the President’s mother, Barbara Bush, “he did seem different when he came back home that summer. Before he left he got such pleasure out of setting stray cats on fire. When he returned, he kept saying something about setting the world on fire.”

BUSH ON INTELLIGENCE REPORT THAT IRAN HAD SUSPENDED NUKE PROGRAM IN 2003: THEN THEM WMDs WERE IN IRAQ ALL ALONG
by R J Shulman
WASAHINGTON - A recently released National Intelligence report indicates that Iran has suspended their nuclear weapons program in 2003. The report released Monday by Director of National Security John McConnell repudiated the Bush Administration's recent position that, "we have to worry about the smoking cloud and mushroom gun because World War III is just around the corner store."

"It doesn't mean," Bush said, "that I was fabricating false lies that were untrue, it's that I am on a need to know basis and what I need to know is for you to know and for me to find out." "Besides," he said, "I knew them weapons must have been secretly hidden in a secret hiding place in one of them I-rab countries, so when they were found to be absently gone from Iran, then my lie was right all along that the mass weapons were in Iraq the whole time."

CALIFORNIA GOP PLANS TO TURN ELECTORAL COLLEGE INTO AN ANIMAL HOUSE
By R J Shulman
SACRAMENTO, California - As the signature deadline nears, a group trying to put an initiative on the California ballot to change the winner take all nature of the Presidential electoral college votes appears to have enough signatures. “We are going to tell the voters that this is a good way to have their vote counted without the egg head electoral college stealing their votes on a technicality, said Dave Guiliard of the initiative, “but the real reason we are doing this in California, a state that goes Democratic, is to basically get about 20 electoral votes for the Republicans that we would not normally get. Of course for this collegiate prank to work, we have to make sure that in Republican states like Texas and Georgia, Republican majority states, that the winner-take- all will be kept in place.”

“With this new strategy,” said Karl Rove, “who needs to steal a Florida or Ohio again?” “Even though this strategy is surly unconstitutional,” said an unnamed GOP spokes person, “we have the votes on the Supreme court to fix that little technicality, too.” “Why,” continued the spokesperson, “ should Russia be winning the race to have the most sophisticated fixed elections? America needs to be able to continue to hold its head up as being number one.”

FOX NEWS MAKES ERRONEOUS REPORTS REGARDING CLINTON HOSTAGE CRISIS
By R J Shulman
ROCHESTER, New Hampshire – Those who were watching Fox News when the story broke about a possible hostage situation at Senator Clinton’s campaign headquarters in Rochester, New Hamphire got a headline that read: Hillary Clinton Holds Bill Clinton Hostage. Then Brit Hume announced that Hillary was holding her husband hostage until he “came clean about Monica Lewisky.”

“As it turned out, that report was highly inaccurate,” said Ford Mayfair, media consultant. “We retracted it right away,” said Wayne Clarke, a Fox spokesperson. “The problem,” continued Mayfair, “was that Hume corrected the report by saying that it was Bill Clinton who was holding Hillary hostage until she “fessed up about being a lesbian." When asked why Fox had made such major errors on the story, an unnamed Fox spokesperson said, “we got it from the Drudge report, but later said, “this is Fox. We report, you decide.”