CIA TORTURE TAPES NOT DESTROYED, THEY WERE LOST
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In a stunning announcement, CIA director Michael Hayden stated that the videotape of the interrogation of two suspected terrorists was not destroyed as previously reported, but was just misplaced. “We now know what happened to the video CD we made of the intense questioning of the two men,” Hayden said. “It was erroneously returned to a Blockbuster Video in suburban Bethesda, Md. when mistakenly placed in a Terminator movie video box.” The error was discovered when CIA operatives tried to retrieve sensitive information from the water boarded suspects and instead were confronted by Arnold Schwartzenegger saying “I’ll be back.”

The mistake has been confirmed by Casey Mallard, a Townson, Maryland McDonald’s employee who had rented Terminator. “It was so cool at first when they was drowning that A-rab,” said Mallard, “but then it got boring. There was no plot to it, no cars blowing up and stuff, and then it got real stupid when one of the tortured A-rabs confessed to blowing up a dozen suicide bombs. I mean if he suicided, isn’t he going to be too dead to do it again?”

“We’re not that worried,” said CIA spokesperson, Morgan Bennett, “as our surveillance of Blockbuster shows they last rented it to a person nammed O. Bin Laden somewhere in Tora Bora. We should locate him and the tape shortly.” “This is not our biggest worry,” Bennett said, “as the employee who put the wrong CD in the box also had his work computer stolen out of his car in that Blockbuster lot.” The CIA has since confirmed that there were no really sensitive materials on the stolen government laptop, just the new Santa Fe, New Mexico home address, phone numbers and back accounts of Valerie Plame and Joe Wilson.