MITCHELL REPORT TO NAME THE 60 TO 80 MAJOR LEAGE BASEBALL PLAYERS WHO DID NOT TAKE STERIODS
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - The Mitchell Report on drug use in Major League Baseball will name somewhere between 60 and 80 players who did not take illegal performance enhancing drugs. “There are deep problems with baseball,” said former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell who conducted the exhaustive study, “the illegal drug problem has been rampant since the inception of baseball and less than 100 major leaguers in the history of the sport stayed clean.”

“It won’t just be Barry Bonds’ record that will come tumbling down,” said an anonymous source, who had seen the 304 page report. “This means that the new Major League home run record will be belong to Bob Uecker who hit 7 in 1966 with the Philadelphia Phillies, and the batting average record holder will be Mario Mendoza who hit .245 in 1980 with Seattle, but who holds a lifetime .215 average. Mendoza is best known for creating the “Mendoza line,” meaning that players who fall below .200 batting average (which Mendoza did in 5 of his 9 years), should not be playing at the Major League Level.

The use of illegal drugs also has involved umpires, bat boys, announcers and even team mascots. “That chicken wasn’t stumbling around for no reason,” Mitchell said. “I guess the attitude in baseball is ‘Anything to get ahead.’” Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said, “this report is devastating. It not only changes the public’s perception of America’s pastime, but now it’s official - there is crying in baseball.”