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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

By R J Shulman
FAULTLINE, Utah – It was announced today that President Bush will take on a new Presidency once his term of office is over. He has been named as the President select of the Shift of Blame Foundation, better known as the SOB. “George W. Bush has done such an amazing job his whole life of shifting the blame for all of his incompetence and misdeeds,” said SOB founder Henry Kissinger, “that he is a natural for the job.” The top position of the influential conservative think tank has been vacant since it’s last President, Randy “Duke” Cunningham began his prison sentence last year for corruption and bribery.

Past successes of the SOB Foundation included blaming the problems with the Iraq war and occupation on those that didn’t support the surge rather than on President Bush who invaded the wrong country without adequate plans. “It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, it’s how you shift the blame,” said Bill O’Reilly, a member of the board of directors of SOB, “so blaming Hurricane Katrina on gays for their wicked lifestyle is what I’m talking about.”

The foundation is currently in a major campaign to blame Barack Obama for the high gas prices, shifting the blame from greedy oil companies who are raking in record profits to the Illinois Senator for not supporting unfettered oil exploration. “Looks like we have drilled Obama on this one,” said former Secretary of the Interior and founding SOB member James Watt, “as the polls show Americans want to lift the ban on drilling.” SOB is also responsible for the drive to shift the blame from in the mortgage crisis from the lenders who used questionable practices to the borrows who were too stupid to read the fine print.

“We are pleased that we will have such a high profile leader,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, who is now acting SOB Vice President since Scooter Libby had to resign, “With so many of the old guard dying, such as Jesse Helms or attrition due to those leaving for prison like Ted Stevens, we need strong leadership at SOB to recruit our next generation of Shift the Blamers or SOBs. It’s been hard being short of SOBs, especially since there has been so much blame that needs to be moved to others lately. We’ve actually been running out of ideas for blame shifting,” Chaney said, “but I suppose, if you will, when all else fails, blame the Jews.”

President Bush said he was so pleased that he was selected that he will finish writing a new handbook for the foundation called, My Pet Scapegoat. Bush told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “If I could feel humbleness, I would feel the pain on being selecticated to this high post. Who would have thunk that I would be the head of a think tank.”

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

By R J Shulman
PRAGUE, Oklahoma – After failing to make headway with black voters, John McCain is now focusing on securing the support of the Czechoslovakian vote. “My friends of the Slavic persuasion,” McCain told a crowd of 12 in this central Oklahoma town, “I want you to know I fully support the removal of Soviet troops from Czechoslovakia.”

McCain, who spoke at an NAACP function last week, explained to the predominately African American audience why he voted against making a national holiday in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. “The other senators wanted only a day to honor Dr. King,” he said, “but I was holding out to have an entire week in his honor.” “Those people didn’t seem to hear me,” McCain told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “but if they had just put down their crack pipes for a moment, they would have seen that I am not prejudiced.”

McCain supporters note that while Barack Obama is leading with the black vote, he has lost some ground with certain white voters when he said their bitterness sometimes makes them turn to the bible and to guns. As Dwayne Perkins of Latrobe, Pennsylvania said, “when that Barack fellah said them things about me and my kin getting bitter, it made me so sour I just wanted to grab the Good Book and start shooting.”

In addition to McCain’s announced Czechoslovakian strategy, his aides say he will target the Yugoslavian vote and will also seek support from people who use slide rules and typewriters. Disputing criticism that he is behind the times, McCain said, “I’ll just jump on the old telegraph and let everyone know that I am one hep cat.”

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Longtime Republican Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was indicted today for failing to disclose that he received gifts worth $250,000 from an energy company on whose behalf he intervened in Congress. Steven said he was surprised by the indictment saying, “I was sure we made it legal for those of us in Congress to take gifts and money from people we wanted to help out with our votes.”

Stevens is accused of lying on his Senate disclosure form by failing to disclose that he had received over $250,000 in gifts and services from Veco, an Alaskan oil company. Most of the gifts were in the form of renovations to Stevens home.

Senator John Warner, a Virginia Republican said, “Stevens is a true American who wanted to help the oil company which could help with our energy crisis. What’s wrong with that?” “If Stevens loses his ability to vote in Congress, it will be a big disaster for the bridge construction industry,” said Wayne Strong, of KBR Construction. Strong was referring to Stevens’ support of a $400 million dollar bridge to Gavinia Island in Alaska, a project that became known as the “Bridge to Nowhere.”

At first, Stevens denied that there were any improvements in his home by saying all he noticed that it looked a little cleaner. However, he finally admitted there was extensive work done which was paid for by Veco. Stevens, who is 84 years-old, is the oldest Republican in the Senate. “We are losing our American Values,” Stevens said, “just how socialist have we become when you can’t even take a fair and square bribe?”

Monday, July 28, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW MILFORD, Connecticut – Flush from his well received speech about his European policy at a German restauran in Columbus, Ohio, Senator John McCain will unveil his latest immigration policy at a Taco Bell in this western Connecticut town. “John will show he is a man of the people,” said Rick Davis, a senior member of the McCain campaign, “unlike Obama who will talk about coddling illegal immigrants when he speaks to thousands, John will be doing essentially a one-on-one with customers who come for a Gordita or new cheese roll-up.” McCain strategists note that while many in Obama’s audience will be illegal aliens, McCain will be speaking to real American citizens only, as illegal aliens wouldn’t be cause dead eating Taco Bell food.

McCain’s “What America Eats and What’s Eating America” tour will then move to the Golden Palace Chinese Restaurant in Decatur, Illinois where the Arizona Senator will talk about his proposed trade policies with China. He will then unveil his plan to bomb Iran at Kasra, a Persian Restaurant in Richardson, Texas. “While the kitchen will be preparing me a Zereshk Polo with Chicken,” McCain said, “I’ll be preparing a few daisy cutters for their countrymen.”

McCain will discuss his Southern Strategy at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Tuscaloosa, Alabama and his energy policy on alternative fuels at The Greasy Spoon Restaurant in San Diego. “Eat your heart out Obama, I’m taking a bite out of your lead in the polls,” McCain said from a Long John Silvers in Joplin, Missouri. “Obama will be wasting his time talking about world relations at the United Nations,” McCain said, “but, my friends, I’ll be straight talking to you, about America’s place in the world right here at this International House of Pancakes in beautiful downtown Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

By R J Shulman
PHOENIX - As part of his stepped up campaign against Barack Obama, John McCain announced that he challenged the Illinois Senator to a duel. “Back in my day that’s what you did,” McCain said. “So in my quest to bring back traditional American values, I have done the honorable thing and made this manly challenge to my opponent. I’ll even let him choose the weapon.”

“We think that McCain with his military experience is ready on day one for this duel,” said Rick Davis, McCain Senior Campaign Manager. “I think it’s going to be quite unfortunate for Obama as he has been so consumed with his quest for peace that he has probably never used a weapon.” “I am getting me a front row seat in the front,” said President Bush, “I want to see just how far Obama’s kumbayas will get him against an angry McCain who can really go off like firecrackers on Labor Day.”

Pundits originally predicted that Obama would turn down the duel, however, Obama announced that he will accept the challenge. “We are surprised as we thought Obama would reject the duel, said Karl Rove, “and then we would have attacked him relentlessly over his lack of manhood.” “Since I have a choice of weapon,” Obama said, “the weapon I choose will intellect and the duel will be the debates.”

The Post Times Sun Dispatch attempted to contact Senator McCain to get his comments on Obama’s acceptance, but was told by a McCain spokesperson that the Arizona Senator would be unavailable for comment. Apparently when McCain learned of Obama’s choice of weapon, he flew into rage and destroyed a hotel room with a cache of military weapons.

Friday, July 25, 2008

By R J Shulman
DENVER – Dismissing criticism that he had mistakenly attributed success to the troop surge for “the Anwar Awakening, which occurred before the surge began,” McCain told a group of veterans that the surge has been an important part of keeping America safe. “The troop surge in Iraq helped us with North Korea, won World War II and was instrumental in our greatest victory, Viet Nam. In fact,” McCain said, “if it wasn’t for the troop surge in Iraq, our brave revolutionary patriots could never have beat back the British Red Coats on the border between Vermont and Georgia.”

McCain has chided his rival, Barack Obama for not being fit to be commander in chief because he failed to support the troop surge. “While Obama is at a photo op showing off to 200,000 Germans if front of some Communist gate,” McCain said, “I am talking to 20 real Americans in a German Restaurant over here in Ohio explaining to them my five point plan on why they should be afraid of Obama.”

An Obama spokesman, Marcus Griffin said he thought that McCain has not only lost touch with Americans but lost touch with reality. “The next thing you know,” Griffin said, “McCain will say the surge had something to do with Jesus.” McCain will leave Denver for San Antonio where he will address Rev. John Hagee’s congregation with a speech entitled, “The Surge and our Savior: Why Obama’s opposition to the surge would have put the baby Jesus in grave danger.”

Thursday, July 24, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – New York Times Opinion Page Editor David Shipley defended his decision to reject Senator John McCain’s editorial entitled, “The Blitzkrieg is Working.” “We thought that was a bit over the top,” Shipley said, “especially when he said, ‘today Iraq, tomorrow the World.’” McCain responded by saying, “I was shocked an awed by the rejection and when I am President I will show the Times that we have ways of convincing them to print certain things as they don’t want to be labeled traitors to the Fatherland.”

Shipley pointed out that the Times has rejected many editorials from Presidential candidates as well as from sitting Presidents. “They rejecticated my book report on My Pet Goat,” said President Bush. “They said it was five years tardy and had stuff in my report that was not in the book like the goat saying that the surge was working. Besides they claim I spelled goat wrong.”

The President said he would send Dick Cheney to the Times office to convince them to print his piece. However, the Times recently rejected Cheney’s editorial, “If I Shot My Hunting Buddy in the Face, Here’s How I Did it.” “We thought O J Simpson’s proposed book along the same lines was tasteless,” said Shipley. “After all,” Shipley continued, “We are the New York Times and people expect the highest caliber of uncompromising journalism, so we want to make sure that whatever we print has the integrity of Judith Miller’s work on why we should have invaded Iraq.”

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

By R J Shulman
WILKES BARRE, Pennsylvania – After months of frustration about what they see is an unfair and fawning media coverage of Barack Obama, John McCain’s campaign went on the offensive by announcing that not only will McCain be making an announcement of his Vice Presidential choice on Friday, but he will follow it by announcing Barack Obama’s VP choice. “And he will follow up those blockbuster announcements,” said McCain advisor Mark Salter, “by stating that the world is coming to an end. If that doesn’t interrupt the media from kissing Obama’s fanny and pay attention to John, I don’t know what will.”

“You didn’t see the press follow McCain around Baghdad as he was protected by the hundreds of armed troops and fully loaded helicopters saying Baghdad was as safe as Phoenix,” said Brad Hoffman, a McCain spokesman. “But when Obama talks about plans for peace and stability in the region it’s like we are witnessing a be-in from the 60s and you would have thought the press was covering the marriage between Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton. I mean, since when is it news for Americans to be loved by foreigners instead of hated and feared?”

The new McCain campaign strategy, called “Hey, Look Over Here!” is a new concerted effort to win back McCain’s original base, the press. “They used to love him,” said Rick Davis of the McCain campaign, “but now we have to practically hit them over the head to get them interested. I mean how many gaffes, fired advisors and comments about Americans being a country of whiners do we have to have to get noticed around here.”

News anchors for the major networks were contacted by the Post Times Sun Dispatch to comment on the new strategy by John McCain to get their attention. Only one responded, Brian Williams of NBC who said, John who?”

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

By R J Shulman
PHOENIX – Taking advantage of the absence of Barack Obama, who is on a tour of the Middle East, presumptive GOP Presidential candidate John McCain is wasting no time making his own headlines back home. “Frankly, John needed this uninterrupted time to catch up on a few things,” said McCain spokesman Ron Duff.

In addition to the highly publicized story that McCain had taken his first visit to the internet, the Post Time Sun Dispatch has learned that the Arizona Senator has tried his hand at a video game. “That pong is sure a fast paced game,” said an out of breath McCain. “That was almost as fascinating as when I rubbed two sticks together yesterday and got some smoke and eventually a jumping bit of light that gave off heat. My aids called it fire.”

McCain also marveled at how easy it was to move objects or travel from place to place if you employed large round objects. “Ha, ha,” McCain said, “I’m gonna be a big wheel someday.” McCain plans to end the week with a whirlwind trip to Colorado, a key swing state,where he will visit Dinosaur National Park and then go to Denver where he will buy himself a Fossil watch.

Monday, July 21, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained official classified documents that are currently being used by the Bush Administration to determine who should be classified as terrorist. The documents issued by the Office of Homeland Security list 543 different indicators that a person is an enemy combatant and subject to immediate detention.

The top ten indicators, according to the list are:

1. Believing that peace is preferable to war. Extra problems if you ever sang along to “Peace Train” by Cat Stevens.
2. Ever having a bad thought about Dick Cheney, special attention should be paid to anyone who sees any similarity between Cheney and Darth Vader
3. Believing that impeachment should be on the table and not swept under the rug
4. Saying “nu-cle-ar” in stead of “nu-cue-ler”
5. Thinking that Bush is capable of making a mistake and may even have made one
6. Not wearing a flag lapel pin at all times
7. Not laughing when McCain sings “bomb, bomb, bomb, Iran”
8. Thinking 24 is a TV drama and not a documentary and that Jack Bauer is a fictional character and not a real life hero
9. Opposing drilling for oil anywhere at anytime
10. Having Hussein as a middle name
11. Anyone thinking the Bill of Rights pertains to them
12. Anyone who has evolved enough to reject creationism as science

(note: there are twelve indicators listed because President Bush told Homeland Security Director, Michael Chertoff, “I want you to list the top ten bad guy reasons they are terrorists, you know list me a dozen.”)

The memo, entitled “If In Doubt, Weed Them Out” instructs agents and law enforcement officials to round up anyone who might fit the terrorist profile. The terrorist list also includes investigative reporters who make documents like this list public. The reporter who leaked this story under condition of remaining anonymous, responded by citing that the First Amendment guarantees free speech and a free press. “That puts him on the list right there,” said an unnamed Homeland Security official.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

By R J Shulman
BAGHDAD, Iraq – The capital of this war torn country is getting ready for the big event, the arrival of Barack Obama and his ever growing Posse, which now includes the news anchors from the major television networks. “Dis tour gonna outdo anything I done,” said rapper Kanye West. “Forget the east coast rappers versus the west coast rappers,” said record mogul Sean “Puffy” Combs, “the no coast rappers from the Midwest, like Obama is hittin’ everybody upside the head.”

“The bias of the liberal media is astounding,” said John McCain at a rally in Flint, Michigan. “All the reporters are hovering around Obama like he is something shiny and new and all about hope and change instead of coming here to cover me as I tell bad jokes to these out of work auto workers and explain to them that I don’t know anything about the economy. I would just like to get my hands on the idiot who gave Obama the idea to go to Iraq. Why, I’d punch him in the…ooops, I told him to go to Iraq.”

When asked why she was leaving New York to go to the middle east to cover Obama, CBS anchor Katie Couric said, “I want to be there in case they need someone perky, you know, for the video.” Obama’s historic journey to the Middle East is expected to get wall to wall news coverage, except for Fox New, who will continue to run footage of Reverend Wright saying “god-damn America.”

Friday, July 18, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush and Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki have agreed to set a “time horizon” for reducing U.S. forces in Iraq. “This is not a timetable or timeline for unsurging our troops,” said Bush. “It is a time horizon, like horizon wireless where you have a minutes limit but you can go over it if you need to.”

After citing a decrease in violence in Iraq in the last month, Maliki had expressed a strong desire to set a time table for US troops to leave and allow his government to take over. “I was insisting on letting us run our own country,” Maliki said, “but I got, how you say, an offer I could not be refusing from the esteemed Vice President Cheney.” “We did have a little face off after we went hunting for some common ground” Cheney said., “of course, it wasn’t going to be my face off.”

In a secure video shown on Youtube, Myspace and Facebook, Bush and Maliki agreed that there could be discussions of reducing the number of US troops when, as Bush stated, “the propaganda has succeeded in telling us that we no longer need such a large troop surgery over there.” “There will be no arbitrary time set for removal of US troops,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino. “Any troops will be removed only when the decider decides.”

Thursday, July 17, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – The Bush Administration has come under fire for planning talks with Iran after stating that such a meeting was like appeasing the Nazis before World War II. “Those folks who see this as an apeasication are erroneously wrong,” said President Bush, “The people who we are trying to apeasify are the liberal press who say we should talk first before we shock and awe them, so it is our domesticated criticizers for who we will perform this appeasiotomy.”

“The Bush Administration is giving these talks every opportunity to succeed” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino, “so we’re sending John Bolton and Hulk Hogan to talk some sense into the Iranians.” When asked why she would not join the discussion, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said, “what would be the point? They don’t make very good shoes over there.”

Presumed Republican Presidential candidate John McCain, who has scoffed at talking with Iran, said, “talk is cheap, I wish gas prices were. That’s a little joke,” he told a suddenly silent crowd in Colorado Springs, “Look, my friends, what I mean is why bother to have a conversation with them when our bombs will be doing the talking in Iran for at least a hundred years.”

“By staging these talks first,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “we will always be able to say, we tried before they died.”

Topics that Bush says will be discussed will be who should have won American Idol, whether Hulk Hogan’s wife is a bitch and how Iran will meet the deadline of next Thursday to name George W. Bush the “Decider for Life.” “Nuclear proliferation was originally on the table,” said a White House spokesperson, “but Nancy Pelosi just yanked back that table saying it now may be needed for impeachment.”

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

By R J Shulman
ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico – When it comes to Latino voters, Senator John McCain has become an equilibrista or tightrope walker. “I need the damn Hispanic votes,” McCain said, “but the Republican voter base hates Latinos, so if I say anything good about them, I’m screwed.” So far on the campaign trail, McCain has been telling Latino groups he still supports his original position of humane immigration reform, while assuring his Republican base voters that he despises the disease-ridden free loaders who don’t want to learn English.

“We have been concentrating on placing advertising on Spanish radio and TV stations which says Jonn supports their concerns,” said Rick Davis, McCain’s campaign manager, “I call it the no diga a Gringo approach, that is I, John McCain support you, but don’t tell whitey that I want to help you. At the same time, we will pound the traditional media with his new stand on how much he wants to have the illegals sent back to wherever they came from, after they vote for him, of course.”

“It pays to be bilingual and bi-positioned,” McCain said. “Sounds more like McCain is bipolar,” said Howard Dean Chairman of the Democratic National Committee.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - Controversy continues to surround the New Yorker cover cartoon that depicts Obama as a Bin Laden loving Muslim and his wife a black militant who perform a terrorist fist bump in delight as an American flag burns. “I have never seen such blatant unfairness in a magazine cover,” said Fox’s Bill O’Reilly, “as they left out Obama saying ‘pass me the MF Presidential Seal.’” “This cartoon is a liberal media attempt to mislead the American people,” said Rush Limbaugh, “as it doesn’t show how Obama plans to turn women into crack hos.”

Barack Obama has called the cartoon tasteless and will deliver a major policy speech on cartoon relations in America. Senator John McCain told reporters from his campaign stop in New Mexico that he was shocked and saddened by the cover. “Now just how fair is it of the press,” McCain said, “to give the cover to a guy who never served in the military instead of showing me pulverizing our enemy as I bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.”

The New Yorker has stood by their decision to print the cartoon, saying that it was simply satire. They have however promised to investigate rumors that the cartoon was tampered with by a Danish Cartoon Terrorist.

Monday, July 14, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In the Annual Running of the Bull, many people were injured as they tried to flee from the bull emanating from the Nation’s Capital. “This is the most bull I’ve ever witnessed,” said Tony Clarendon of Teaneck, New Jersey who was on vacation, “I was admiring the Lincoln Memorial when some bull about the reason we invaded Iraq was to bring them democracy just about knocked me off my feet.”

Clarendon’s tale is not a singular one. “The bull that the surge is working pined me up against a wall,” said Brian Dorsey, a DC resident who was treated for cuts and bruises. “When all that bull about there being no global warming bore down on me, I thought I was a goner,” said Ralph Diamond of Grayson New Mexico. “This bull denying climate change has badly gored the planet,” said former Vice President Al Gore.

While there were hundreds of injuries, the most seriously hurt was the Constitution. “Freedom of the Press took it in the shorts,” said Henry Betancourt, Professor of Media at Columbia University. Also taking direct hits were the Fourth Amendment when the bull from the Bush White House said, “we don’t need no stinkin’ warrants,” and the Sixth Amendment’s guarantee of right to a fair trial, knowing what your are accused of, and right to an attorney got trampled by the massive bull from Guantanimo.

The Running of the Bull dates back to the founding of the District of Columbia but came to prominence ion 1973 when Richard Nixon said, “I am not a crook.” The last fatality in the Running of the Bull was The Truth, which died on September 11, 2001.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – It was announced today by the real President, Dick Cheney that George W. Bush will get to throw out the first bomb in the 79th annual Invasion Classic. “It was a toss up,” said Cheney, “between Bush and McCain. McCain was the dark horse, but his singing of ‘Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran’ made this one close. In the end, George showed an unwavering dedication to mayhem and an uncanny ability to not take responsibility if anything should go wrong.”

“I am honored and humbled if I were someone who could be humbled,” Bush said, “to be able to throw out the first bomb for the invasions of Afghanistan, Iraq and now Iran. This certainly makes up for the only mistake I may have made in my life, trading Sammy Sosa to the Cubs.”

Senator Barack Obama has been roundly criticized for saying he never supported this Invasion Game, most attacking him as anti-American. McCain has said that he supports the Game even if it lasts for 100 innings. The Invasion Game is scheduled sometime before the next election, probably as an October Surprise.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – Conservative commentators have come out in support of the controversial comments made by top McCain economic advisor Phil Gramm, that the recession was mental and that the US had become a nation of whiners. “Anyone who is negatively effected by this economy,” said Bill O’Reilly, “is effected because they want to be. Me and my friends are doing well, thank you, and no one can dispute the truth that all these naysayers are nothing more than terrorist loving America haters.”

“Gramm is right,” said Rush Limbaugh, “thanks to liberals, Americans complain about all kinds of things that aren’t real. It’s all in their minds that oil prices are high, parents have imagined their sons and daughters have died or were wounded in Iraq and people have illusions that the banks are in a conspiracy to take their homes. These ungrateful feminazis should have real problems like I have,” said Limbaugh, “such as an oxycontin shortage.”

Gramm, a former Texas Senator and currently UBS Investment Bank vice chairman, has been criticized for being out of touch with the American people. “I reject that notion that I am not a man of the people,” Gramm said from his private leer jet, “I stand to lose money too when those whiners who took out mortgages they couldn’t afford lower the stock prices on my personal holdings. Those whiners should have made sure they had the health care and pension that I have after I retired from the Senate. It’s not my fault they chose poverty.”

John McCain, stumping in economically hard hit Michigan, said “I’ll say that I vehemently disagree with Phil’s comments since he got a negative response from the whiners out here, but I need his support because I know nothing about economics, so I’ll keep him on as my economic advisor. Now how is that for straight talk? Oh, I almost forgot. Bomb Iran.”

Friday, July 11, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - Senator John McCain said Wednesday that Denmark’s continued testing of anti-American political cartoons shows the need for an effective cartoon defense shield system while rival Senator Barack Obama said we need aggressive diplomacy combined with sanctions, if necessary. For the second day, Denmark has tested several new cartoons, poking fun at the Bush administration and America. “It was OK when the Danes aimed their cartoons at the Islamofascists, but now they have sided with the terrorists and are preparing weapons of mass cartoons against us,” said Wayne Parsons, a Pentagon spokesman.

“We must unite the world against Denmark’s cartoon threat,” McCain said, “even if we have to continue the Cartoon war for a hundred years.” Obama, who has been criticized for being soft on cartoons by wanting to negotiate with cartoonists, said he will push for an incentive package that seeks to deter Denmark from its cartoon goals.

“There’s something rotten in Denmark,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “and we may have to go to the dark side, if you will, so that cartooning will be in its final throes.”

Danish Cartoons have become a major campaign issue, however neither candidate voted on a March 2008 resolution calling on the Bush administration to call the Danish Cartoon Guild a terrorist organization, a measure that some members of Congress believed could lead to war.

“We need to take an aggressive stand against this world threat,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “because would your rather read the cartoons over there or read them over here.” President Bush said, “I don’t worry about the cartoons so much anymore. I kinda like them cartoons cause they’re easier to read than memos about Bin Laden planning attacks. Now if My Pet Goat had more cartoons I could have read it faster and reaticated to 911 more quicker and had time to use that cod piece in my pants when I bullhorned my way to ground zero to speak to the American people.”

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Senate Democrats today echoed the action of their party members in the House by voting passage of a controversial intelligence and surveillance bill that grants retroactive immunity to the telecom companies who illegally spied on the American people at the request of the Bush Administration. “We are happy with this compromise,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “the compromise being that we vote for the bill and the Bush Administration will not reveal our personal secrets to the press.”

The bill will essentially end dozens of active lawsuits brought by private citizens against the telecom companies claiming their Fourth Amendment rights have been violated. Critics have warned that this will effectively sweep under the rug any public airing of the nature of the illegal spying done by Bush on Americans.

“I are pleased the Democrats have come over to the dark side in our valiant fight in the war on terror,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “even if it means I have to forgo the pleasure of releasing to the press some smokin’ hot pictures of certain Senators.” “I am happy to vote for this compromise bill,” said Senator Feinstein, “as it balances the need for national security surveillance with the need for privacy, my privacy to be exact.”

“As the candidate of hope and change,” Barack Obama told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “the only hope I have to be President is for me to change Bush’s mind not to release certain phone calls of mine that would become a 24/7 loop on Fox news. So I voted for the bill.” I know we had to massage the bill a little to make it palatable for us,” said Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean, “as it is better to massage the legislation than disclose the names of a certain patrons of a massage parlor.” “I voted for the bill because of the terror alert being raised to red,” said another Democratic Senator, “that is the terror of the disclosure of my dealings in the red light district getting into enemy hands.”

“Senators do the darndest things,” said Karl Rove. “I sure liked hearing them phone calls and having phone records read to me,” said President Bush, “but the pictures were the best as you know what the Chinese say in Tokyo, a picture is worth a thousand votes.”

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush announced today that he will not be attending the Republican National Convention in September due to prior commitments. “I must make the ultimate sacrifice,” Bush told reporters, “and AWOL the Republican Convention in the twin cities, Minneapolis and St. Peter, as I will be on a secret national security mission of having to clear brush at my ranch on those days.”

“We thought we could sneak him in disguised in a Ronal Regan mask,” said RNC co-chairman Jo Anne Anderson, “but if he opened his mouth, yikes!” “The difficult burden for the Republicans this year,” said GOP strategist Tom Fleming, “is that America thinks it wants change. We don’t want to change our successful Republican values such as greed, pillaging, drilling, killing and spilling, but we think we can sell the American public that we are the party of change by giving them a candidate in John McCain who will change positions whenever necessary.”

“There is a nasty rumor being spread by the Democrat Party and other terrorists,” said Karl Rove, “that the reason the President will have to miss the convention is that Republicans are desperately trying to distance themselves from Bush due to his low poll numbers, but nothing could be further from the truth about our good friend, George W. Pariah.”

The President, who in late August will start clearing the brush on his ranch, most of which has been freshly delivered by Vice President Dick Cheney, said that he looks forward to “all this brush clearing mission accomplished. I will make sure for the sake of the safety of the American people that I will not try to read My Pet Goat as whenever I try and read it, bad stuff happens.”

Monday, July 07, 2008

By R J Shulman
DENVER - Barack Obama will accept his party’s nomination before nearly 76,000 people as the venue for his speech has been moved from the Pepsi Center to Invesco Mile High Stadium. “By bringing the last night of the convention to the people, we will be showcasing Obama as a man of the people,” said Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean, “beside if you scream into the microphone like I did in 2004, it sounds a lot better in a big stadium.”

By contrast, John McCain has announced that he will move his party’s acceptance speech from the Xcel Energy Center in Minneapolis on September 4th to the Larry Craig Memorial Bathroom at the Minneapolis International Airport. “We like the more intimate setting of the bathroom than the largeness of the Xcel Center,” said RNC co-Chairman Jo Ann Davidson, “besides it will save on global warming as the bathroom has only six lights, as opposed to the Center’s hundreds of thousands, and McCain can speak directly to an important part of the Republican base, closeted homosexuals who hate themselves.”

“He will be able to tap into the wide stance he takes on the three most important issues facing Americans today,” said Senator Craig. “which are how I am not gay, I never have been gay and how much I love my wife.”

Sunday, July 06, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK – In a her new book Denial is a River in America, author Ruth Treal compares the American public with a dysfunctional family deep in denial. “There is this big elephant in the living room,” Treal says, “and no one wants to admit it’s there. What is so shocking,” Treal contends, "is that this is not just an elephant, but a big bad one who lies the American family into war, promotes greed and favoritism, supports torture and tramples all over Constitutional rights, yet everyone pretends everything is OK.”

As an example, the book points out that more Americans were upset when their favorite contestant on American Idol was eliminated than when this big elephant eliminated their right to privacy. “Those that point out the elephant’s existance are ridiculed,” Treal says, “and are made to feel like real donkeys.”

Not everyone is ignoring the elephant. Senator Obama said its time to change the elephant. Senator McCain spoke at a political rally in Jackson, Mississippi where he said he couldn’t remember what was in the living room, but was in favor of the elephant, even if it was in the living room for a hundred years. President Bush said that “since I’ve stopped drinking, I’ve haven’t seen an elephant, just the Lord who tells me which countries to invaded next.” “It’s a testament to the success of our war on global terror,” said Vice President Dick Cheney,” that Americans are not upset by the crushing of their rights and economic opportunities by a so called elephant, which of course is just propaganda from the terrorists who want to hit us and hit us hard. I would like to have a discussion with Ms. Treal about her theories, oh, let say if you will, on a private hunting trip.”

The book released this weekend is Ms. Treal follow up to Who Cares? America’s Lack of Concerned about Apathy.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

by R J Shulman
WASHIGNTON – President Bush announced today that in his final days as President, he will urge Congress to add at least five new states to the union. “Them old Europeans have banded together,” Bush said, “so in order to keep the USA number one, we need to out-state them. Under my administration, there have been some states that have been growing and it is time to make these states official.”

“First,” Bush said. “we should addicate the State of War. This has become a powerful territory that has helped me and my buddies and deserves to be crowned the mantle of Statehood. Next is the great State of Fear, very important to the governing of this great nation, without it where would I be?” Other states the President will propose to be added are the State of Confusion, State of Depression and his personal favorite, State of Paranoia.

“If Congress fails to add these deserving all-American states to the union,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “I may have to travel over to the dark side to make it happen.” Congress has not commented on the President’s proposal as they are all vacationing in another proposed addition to America, the State of Denial.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - The Office of Homeland Security announced yesterday that they have officially removed former South African President Nelson Mandela from the national terrorist watchlist. “Mandela just turned 90 years-old, so we think he has mellowed out a tad,” said Jarvis Freidman of Homland Security. Friedman hinted that some other high profile persons such as Dr. Martin Luther King and Jesus Christ might be removed from the list of terrorists.

“Dr. King may be able to be removed,” Freidman said, “because no one takes his message of peace seriously anymore, and Jesus may not really be an anti-American terrorist after all, as our Christian friends tell us Jesus would have supported the surge in Iraq, thought poor people were poor because they wanted to be and hated homosexuals and hippies with beards and long hair who wore sandals. But don’t think we are going to remove Cat Stevens from our terror list,” Friedman said, “we can’t have Americans being terrified 33,000 feet above the earth due to the unauthorized singing of “Peace Train” breaking out on board.”

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

By R J Shulman
CRAWFORD, Texas – In an exclusive interview with the Post Times Sun Dispatch, President George W. Bush reflected his Presidency as it nears its end. “Reflecticating back on my years as the decider,” Bush said, “there have been some high moments and some that seemed not to be so high, but were in fact successful failures. Now, first off,” Bush said, “People say I am concerned about my legacy. Now I don’t know why they call it a legacy, as a leg is not that important as you can be down one leg and still kick someone, but a head is more important as you can’t kick someone if you are missing your head, so it shouldn’t be called a legacy, but a headicy.”

“Now some naysayers say that Katrina wasn’t handled well by me,” Bush continued, “but now they can build luxury high rise hotels in place of the old blight and Trent Lott gets a new porch, which is a good thing as his old none wasn’t holding up too good and could have collapsed on some of them dogs he keeps under there. Now, the American people must understand that Brownie really did do a heck of a job as we were able to aid a third world country, New Orleans with some trailers that had a little extra naugahyde in them.”

The President also addressed criticism that he has received for announcing that the mission in Iraq was accomplished when the bulk of the death and destruction followed that statement. “Now on this mission accomplished thing,” Bush explained, “it really was accomplished. See, the mission was for me to be a war president, and how could I be one if the war ended lickity split, so the mission was not to win the war in Iraq but to keep it going so I could be a war president for a long time.”

Bush also reflected on his accomplishments with the economy. “It’s a good thing that the economy is rough on the middle class,” Bush said, “because when the going gets tough, the tough get to do things. It’s important for Americans not to get too lazy and take a lot of vacations on their ranches clearing brush, no, they have to do it the old fashioned way by earning it and I would like to say more but my daddy’s friends have a big surprise for me at some fancy hotel ballroom.”

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - In a program to air this Thursday, Fox News will report that if elected President, Barack Obama will not only support bilingual education, but will mandate it. “Reliable unnamed sources close to the Obama camp have told us,” said reporter Brit Hume, “that Barack Obama has been on his best oratory behavior during the campaign, but after he takes the oath of office, in the words of the source, ‘thangs gonna change ‘round heah’ as the new President will declare that the new language of the United States is Ebonics.”

Ebonics is a slang language used mostly by urban blacks and white teenagers from the suburbs who fancy themselves rap stars. “When Obama moves into the White House,” said commentator Bill O’Reilly, “that house will be the last thing white about that administration. It’s going to be, “hey, y’all, pass me the MF nukes, I gotta put a cap in Bin Ladin’s ass.”

When Obama talks about change and hope,” said George Will, “you better hope you can understand what the hell they’re be saying when they change to that ghetto speak.”

Fox news has learned that certain phrases the American public has come to love and expect from their President will sound a little different. He are some examples from the Fox report so you can decide:

“I am prepared to be the commander in chief on day one,” will be “I be prepared ta be commander in chief on day one, sho nuff”

“The is a government of the people, by the people and for the people” will be “Dis iz da system ov da peeps, by da peeps and fo’ da peeps, and whatnot”

“I’m the decider” will be “I’m da decidah. Don’t make me come ovah there, bitch”

“The surge is working” will be “Da surge iz woikin’, so what chew trippin’ fo’?”

“Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job” will be “Brownie, you doin’ uh heck ov a job, now doan make me have ta break my foot off in yo ass.”

“It’s going to be a big job to clean up the mess left by George W. Bush” will be “It’s gonna be uh big ass job to wipe out the messy sh*t leff by George W. Bush and you know das right”

“I would like to put food on your family” will be “I wants ta put fried chicken and cornbread all over yo’ family, so brace yo-seff foo’”

“Would your rather fight them over there or over here” becomes “Wud yo’ rather be fightin’ dem over there o’ ovah heah. Now tell Condoleezza to bring her fat ass to poppa.”

The program, which will air 9:00PM Eastern will come with subtitles.