IF ELECTED, OBAMA WILL ENFORCE BILINGUAL EDUCATION, ENGLISH AND EBONICS
By R J Shulman
NEW YORK - In a program to air this Thursday, Fox News will report that if elected President, Barack Obama will not only support bilingual education, but will mandate it. “Reliable unnamed sources close to the Obama camp have told us,” said reporter Brit Hume, “that Barack Obama has been on his best oratory behavior during the campaign, but after he takes the oath of office, in the words of the source, ‘thangs gonna change ‘round heah’ as the new President will declare that the new language of the United States is Ebonics.”

Ebonics is a slang language used mostly by urban blacks and white teenagers from the suburbs who fancy themselves rap stars. “When Obama moves into the White House,” said commentator Bill O’Reilly, “that house will be the last thing white about that administration. It’s going to be, “hey, y’all, pass me the MF nukes, I gotta put a cap in Bin Ladin’s ass.”

When Obama talks about change and hope,” said George Will, “you better hope you can understand what the hell they’re be saying when they change to that ghetto speak.”

Fox news has learned that certain phrases the American public has come to love and expect from their President will sound a little different. He are some examples from the Fox report so you can decide:

“I am prepared to be the commander in chief on day one,” will be “I be prepared ta be commander in chief on day one, sho nuff”

“The is a government of the people, by the people and for the people” will be “Dis iz da system ov da peeps, by da peeps and fo’ da peeps, and whatnot”

“I’m the decider” will be “I’m da decidah. Don’t make me come ovah there, bitch”

“The surge is working” will be “Da surge iz woikin’, so what chew trippin’ fo’?”

“Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job” will be “Brownie, you doin’ uh heck ov a job, now doan make me have ta break my foot off in yo ass.”

“It’s going to be a big job to clean up the mess left by George W. Bush” will be “It’s gonna be uh big ass job to wipe out the messy sh*t leff by George W. Bush and you know das right”

“I would like to put food on your family” will be “I wants ta put fried chicken and cornbread all over yo’ family, so brace yo-seff foo’”

“Would your rather fight them over there or over here” becomes “Wud yo’ rather be fightin’ dem over there o’ ovah heah. Now tell Condoleezza to bring her fat ass to poppa.”

The program, which will air 9:00PM Eastern will come with subtitles.