McCAIN AND OBAMA TO DROP OUT OF PRESIDENTIAL RACE; CHENEY TO RUN ON BOTH TICKETS
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Sources close to Vice President Dick Cheney have told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that sometime in late October Senators John McCain and Barack Obama will suddenly drop out of the Presidential race. The source, who wished to remain nameless as well as faceless, due to a recent hunting accident, said that McCain will develop a heart irregularity and leave to spend time with his family while Obama will resign as the Democratic nominee after a sudden attack of conscience regarding the awesome power needed to be an effective President. “This will leave a void that only Dick Cheney can fill,” the source said, since having a heart and a conscience is a hindrance to being President.”

“With Cheney being at the top of the ticket for both the Republicans and Democrats,” said James Easterbrook, a political analyst with Blackstone and Associates, “the American people will know who will be the next President and in these troubled times certainty is priceless.”

“Me being the standard bearer for both parties is a win-win situation,” Cheney said. “Those that want a strong leader to fight terrorism will feel secure that I am at the helm, and those that hear my name and get violently ill, can take solace that on one of the tickets, I will be the loser.”