REPUBLICANS SAVE BIG OIL FROM GOING THE WAY OF THE DINOSAUR
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – In a heroic move, Senate Republicans fought back Democratic attempts to impose windfall profits taxes and take away billions of dollars in tax breaks from big oil companies. “We are proud of our stand to defeat a cheap Democrat election year ploy to distract the American people from the real issues of gay marriage and fear of Spanish speaking immigrants with the phony issues of high oil prices,” said Republican leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky who was instrumental in defeating the proposed measure. “These oil companies have earned the right to gouge the American people and don’t need big government to interfere in the most sacred of all American rights, the right to unfettered greed.”

“It was a tough fight,” said Pete Domenici (R-NM), “but we were able to defeat the powerful Meals-on-Wheels lobby who have spent literally dozens of dollars to try and unfairly attack these important oil corporations. If those old people want a hot meal, maybe they should have planned for a better retirement like the one I’ll be getting as a member of Congress.”

The big oil companies have been frequent targets of the Democratic controlled Congress these days. So far, oil executives have been called twice to testify as to the high cost of gasoline, which has now moved past the $4 per gallon mark for the first time in history. “We need all these excess profits,” said Clarence Stengal of Exxon/Mobile, “If congress taxes us for excess profits, we would have to pass that along to consumer as we couldn’t think of lowering our profits, as lowering profits, just like the impeachment of our friend George W Bush, is simply off the table.”

“How can you expect a regular guy to make an honest buck if big government is unfairly attacking him with some il-advised Robin Hood scheme,” said J.J. Mulva, CEO of ConocoPhillips. Mulva earned 12 billion dollars in salary last week. “It is clear as the water in Prince William Sound [site of the massive Exxon Valdez oil spill], that the high cost of energy could be solved if the government would allow us to drill for Alaskan oil,” said Wayne Schneider of Shell Oil, “Just how twisted are the priorities of the Democrats who think it is more important to protect the caribou than to put gas in the Malibu.”

When told that due to the high price of gas, some Americans are being forced to choose between buying gasoline or buying bread, Laura Bush said, “That’s easy. Let them eat cake.”