BUSH: IF DARWIN WAS RIGHT, I’LL BE A MONKEY’S UNCLE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush announced today his new initiative to make sure that Creationism is given equal time in public schools when compared to Darwin’s theory of evolution. “I don’t believeicate in that Darwin’s stuff,” Bush said, “I didn’t start out as a stupid wild disorderly monkey and then become the decider of the free world, that’s just non-sensical. My Presidency was created by my father and his friends who Supreme Courted me into the Oval Office of Hail to the Chief. That proves Creationism.”

“I am glad our President is taking a bold stand to crack these egg-head theories,” said Fox’s Bill O’Reilly, “because these are the same name-calling wacko liberal hate-mongers who took Christmas out of the schools and are trying to tell our impressionable youth that it is no longer OK to stone gay students to death, even though it is clearly called for in the Bible.”

“Bush’s Presidency is further proof that Darwin’s evolution theory has big holes in it,” said Presidential Press Secretary Dana Perino. “Monkeys are aggressive, attack their neighbors for no reason, steal from the entire group and give the stolen booty to certain friends, all while pretending to know what the heck is going on. The President has conducted his administration nothing like that.”