CUBS IN FIRST PLACE, END OF THE WORLD NEAR
By R J Shulman
CHICAGO – With the Chicago Cubs not only in first place in the National League Central, but with the best record in baseball, global experts are predicting the end of the world. “Things got bad enough when the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004 and again three years later,” said Karl Meiner, Professor of Geology at Yale, “there were tornadoes, typhoons and earthquakes. But if the Cubs win, it’s all over for planet earth. Scientific studies show that within hours of a Cubs victory the North Pole will begin to boil.”

“I’m not worried at all,” said Tinker Chance a long-suffering Cubs fan. “Those guys will find a way to choke.” Vice President Al Gore plans a visit to Wrigley Field next week to talk to the team’s management. “I’ll try and convince them to get rid of their good players before the trade deadline,” Gore said, “to prevent the mother of all global warmings.”

“I’ve never been a Cubs fan, but I am one now,” said Reverend James Goodfall of the United Assembly of God’s Bloody Warrior Church of Corpus Christi, Texas. “If Chicago wins the World Series, Lord have mercy, here comes the four horses of the apocalypse. I can’t wait for Jesus to take me home.”

The Cubs have a record of 32-21. The last time they were in first place on June 1st was in 1908, the year they last won a world series. Just under six years later, World War I broke out.