BUSH THREATENS ARABS, VOWING TO SHOVE DEMOCRACY DOWN THEIR THROATS
By R J Shulman
SHARM EL-SHEIK, Egypt – On the last day of his tour of the Middle East, President George W. Bush sternly lectured Arab nations to embrace democracy. “Too often the Middle East has leaders who repress the opposition by putting them in jail and using extreme interrogation methods," Bush told his Arab hosts, "you run countries whose leaders spy on their own people, leaders who empty their coffers to give corrupt contracts to their friends and leaders who don’t trust the will of their own people.”

Back on Air Force One, a reporter, who has since disappeared, asked the President if he had any comments about his speech being ironic in light of Bush's own approval of torture of prisoners in Guantanimo and other detentions centers and his continuous spying on Americans. The President replied, “I don’t want to open Pandora’s can of wax, but if it's some irony you want me to talk about, I promise the American people I will talk about Iron Man after I see the picture next Tuesday.”

“The President is a man of integrity who is not swayed by opinion polls or the will of the people,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. ‘Which is why he is sending American democracy over to the Arabs to rid us of the pesky trappings of democracy over here. I mean, would you rather fight the democratic will of the people over there or have to fight it here?”