7.6 QUAKE IN VIRGINIA CAUSED BY JEFFERSON TURNING IN HIS GRAVE
by R J Shulman
CHARLOTTESVILLE, Virginia – The large earthquake which shook the Eastern Seaboard yesterday was not caused by a new fault, as originally believed, but was the result of Thomas Jefferson turning in his grave. “We think Jefferson found out what the Bush Administration has done to the country he helped found,” said talk show host and Jefferson scholar, Thom Hartmann, “notably, decidedly un-American acts like vote stealing, torturing prisoners, starting wars, trashing the Bill of Rights, robbing the treasury and destroying the good name of America.”

“What is so shocking,” said Winslow Gustafson, of the University of Virginia, “is not that Jefferson’s reaction was so violent, but that it took so long. It could be that like many Americans he was getting his information from Fox News and had no idea what was really going on.”

The quake, which was felt from Boston to Atlanta rattled windows and shook buildings in Washington DC. “I think we were lucky that no one was hurt,” said Todd Clarkson of George Mason University, “But we may not be so fortunate when Washington and Madison learn what has happened to the country that they loved.”