BUSH DISCOVERS THAT HIS RANCH IS NOT REALLY A RANCH
By R J Shulman
CRAWFORD, Texas – President Bush seemed surprised when he was told that his “ranch” in Crawford was not really a working ranch. “No one could have known that a ranch is supposed to have animals that you have to be married to, you know that animal husbandry kind of stuff and also that you have to grow stuff,” George Bush said, “I thought to have a ranch, all you need to do is get yourself a real Texas spread and then clearicate the brush.”

“I didn’t have the heart to tell George that our ranch was, well sort of lightweight,” Laura Bush said, “because he might lose his temper and attack another country like when he invaded Iraq after I told him to eat all his peas.”

“It’s about time that the little hedge plant realized he is just a Connecticut cowboy way out of his league,” said Jed Crawley, who has a neighboring property where he runs 300 head of cattle. “Us Texans have enough people in the world hating us and we don’t need a George Bush to make that opinion unanimous.”

“I can’t believe someone told the Commander in Chief his property is a joke,” said Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff, “now I’ll have to raise the security alert level to red as that little schmuck might do something stupid.”

“What is really most alarming,” said a White House aide who preferred to remain anonymous, “is that I heard the President say that the thought of having all that hard, hard work around the ranch makes him want to get away from it on vacation and unfortunately for the world, he said he is going to spend more time in Washington.