BUSH REJECTED AS WAL-MART GREETER
By R J Shulman
BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – Wal-Mart announced today that it will reject George W. Bush’s application to become a store greeter after his term as President has expired. “We can’t afford to besmirch our good name,” said Clyde Biggins, a Wal-Mart executive, “by hiring a greeter with such a low approval rating.”

“We don’t want to have a situation where a customer comes in with a defective toaster they got at our small kitchen appliances section,” said Margie Hinckley, a Wal-Mart Manager, “only to have the greeter decide to tell this customer to make a preemptive strike on women’s lingerie. Besides, we need someone to be there at the door and not have them wander off at the drop of a hat to clear brush around the store parking lot.” “I don’t think we could accommodate his vacation schedule,” said another Wal-Mart official, “anyone else taking that much time off would be fired.”

In a related story, Dick Cheney’s bid to become a ticket taker at the Frontier Six Movie Theatre in Cheyenne, Wyoming was also rejected. “Not all of our patrons come to this theater to see a horror show,” said manager Jerry Rowland, “and they don’t need no ticket taker to give them a coronary.”