BUSH ADMINISTRATION CAUSES SEVERE WOOL SHORTAGE
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Due to the unprecedented use of wool by members of the Bush Administration, a severe and irreversible shortage, called “peak wool” may have occurred. The Government Accounting Office reports that the massive supplies of wool have been used to “pull the wool” over the eyes of the American people. “Bush and friends have devastated the wool industry,” said Fred Nestrom of the GAO, “the amount of sheep shearing needed just to handle the issue of why the US went to war in Iraq was staggering.” In places like Scotland and New Zealand, herds of angry naked sheep roam the countryside.

Gilmer Winslow, a scientist who just finished a report on the myth of global warming, is working with the Bush administration to search for a new supply of wool. “Since the American people act so much like sheep,” Winslow said, “we think with a little effort we can have Americans grow their own wool.” “If that proves unsuccessful, plans are underway to create a permanent winter blizzard,” said Karl Rove, “you know, to snow the public all year long.”

One of the more promising solutions to the wool crisis, comes from the military. The President will introduce a bill to fund a Star Wars Cloaking System, a three trillion dollar project that proposes to be able to hide the truth using rays from space. “I want to be able to pushicate a button,” President Bush said, “and have the American people instantly believicate me when I say that their Constitutional rights are still in tact.”