BUSH WILL MISS REPUBLICAN CONVENTION DUE TO PRIOR NATIONAL SECURITY ENGAGEMENT
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – President Bush announced today that he will not be attending the Republican National Convention in September due to prior commitments. “I must make the ultimate sacrifice,” Bush told reporters, “and AWOL the Republican Convention in the twin cities, Minneapolis and St. Peter, as I will be on a secret national security mission of having to clear brush at my ranch on those days.”

“We thought we could sneak him in disguised in a Ronal Regan mask,” said RNC co-chairman Jo Anne Anderson, “but if he opened his mouth, yikes!” “The difficult burden for the Republicans this year,” said GOP strategist Tom Fleming, “is that America thinks it wants change. We don’t want to change our successful Republican values such as greed, pillaging, drilling, killing and spilling, but we think we can sell the American public that we are the party of change by giving them a candidate in John McCain who will change positions whenever necessary.”

“There is a nasty rumor being spread by the Democrat Party and other terrorists,” said Karl Rove, “that the reason the President will have to miss the convention is that Republicans are desperately trying to distance themselves from Bush due to his low poll numbers, but nothing could be further from the truth about our good friend, George W. Pariah.”

The President, who in late August will start clearing the brush on his ranch, most of which has been freshly delivered by Vice President Dick Cheney, said that he looks forward to “all this brush clearing mission accomplished. I will make sure for the sake of the safety of the American people that I will not try to read My Pet Goat as whenever I try and read it, bad stuff happens.”