BUSH: USA NEEDS MORE STATES
by R J Shulman
WASHIGNTON – President Bush announced today that in his final days as President, he will urge Congress to add at least five new states to the union. “Them old Europeans have banded together,” Bush said, “so in order to keep the USA number one, we need to out-state them. Under my administration, there have been some states that have been growing and it is time to make these states official.”

“First,” Bush said. “we should addicate the State of War. This has become a powerful territory that has helped me and my buddies and deserves to be crowned the mantle of Statehood. Next is the great State of Fear, very important to the governing of this great nation, without it where would I be?” Other states the President will propose to be added are the State of Confusion, State of Depression and his personal favorite, State of Paranoia.

“If Congress fails to add these deserving all-American states to the union,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “I may have to travel over to the dark side to make it happen.” Congress has not commented on the President’s proposal as they are all vacationing in another proposed addition to America, the State of Denial.